Endeavourer
Well-Known Member
- Aug 30, 2017
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I don't think there's a manual for (Women need X to be happy...)
Well, you're in luck because yes there is.
Can you help me define that?
Yes I can.
My own marriage operates with that manual. My husband and I are in the 4th year of the glow of a honeymoon that only keeps getting brighter and better. Yet we had to blend families, including 4 teenagers, (notoriously difficult and the reason why most 2nd marriages fail) and a change of agreement in one of those nonnegotiable areas to overcome. We did all of that without a single fight because we refused to indulge in lovebusters.
Start with this link for an overview:
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts (Marriage Builders®,...
On the right you'll see a link for Lovebusters. Those are several simple categories of behaviors that are most likely to destroy a relationship. You can become a pro in identifying those behaviors to the point that avoiding them is instinctive. I studied the marriagebuilders 101 section on his forum voraciously where you can see his advice about these behaviors being applied to real life situations. I've probably studied every thread on that section, lol. I've trained myself to be unable to commit a lovebuster unless I do so intentionally. So that makes it easy.
You'll also see a link for emotional needs. These describe simple categories of behaviors that deposit units into the other person's love account. Those are way less difficult to absorb so you don't have to study as much.
Finally, the link about the Policy of Joint Agreement is key, but first read the link with the Giver and Taker to have the correct framework of understanding. My husband and I never need to argue over anything because we both know that, per that policy, we'll both be enthusiastic about whatever outcome is decided. This elimnates emotion about whether we're getting our way or whether the other person's position is stressing us out because we're worried we'll be coerced into it. We actually enjoy negotiating conflict because we do it within a framework of loving respect, and we both know that the outcome is something we'll be enthusiastic about, so we don't get attached to any particular option. We know that we'll be enthusiastic about the end option. Again, studying the marriagebuilders 101 threads on the forum was really helpful in seeing the application in real life situations.
So that's an overview of the manual. Becoming instinctive about recognizing lovebusters is your first vital step.
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