Dating and Sex

[Endeavourer]

I re-read post #149 and I can say it's going to be tough for him unless he broadens his horizons. The sort of very conservative religious worldview he is enmeshed with doesn't ammend itself well to people in his situation- I was in an even more conservative church with even more strictures, so I know about that. Most conservative evangelicals idealize marrying young and have extremely rigid ideals about intimate relationships. If he thinks kids or people from other religious backgrounds are a burden, he's asking for a tall order.

I hear you, and am from a similar background. It was part of my life's journey to sort out the Pharisaism taught by the group vs personally sincerely held beliefs. Also, fear of man vs fear of God. It's a lifelong pursuit, isn't it?

I'm so much the more enriched spiritually for being forced to start that journey due to circumstances in my life which exposed conflict with the group think vs the spirit/context of passages. It sounds like you've experienced this type of transition, too.

Perhaps Emosoundlogic's life experiences have started him on the journey of recognizing everything doesn't fit into the neat little boxes tied in bows that we're taught they do. I still see a boxes in his thought (perhaps we all still have some), but I think recognizing they are there is much of the solution. The rest comes with time and more life experiences. Certainly hardships, whether emotional or physical, often launch us on that journey. Those times bring new meaning to the verse "it was good for me to be afflicted." Not that it was good you suffered to grow your character (which is what I initially thought it meant) but without the suffering you wouldn't have grown in spiritual wisdom.

 

[FireDragon76]

I hear you, and am from a similar background. It was part of my life's journey to sort out the Pharisaism taught by the group vs personally sincerely held beliefs. Also, fear of man vs fear of God. It's a lifelong pursuit, isn't it?

Yes. In my case I had to really strike out with some confidence that I had a God of love and that what the religious community had said about what human intimate relationships were ultimately about (biological baby factories making more little holy people) was not the final word.

I'm so much the more enriched spiritually for being forced to start that journey due to circumstances in my life which exposed conflict with the group think vs the spirit/context of passages. It sounds like you've experienced this type of transition, too.

Yes I have, and it actually was a profound gift in the end. If I had stayed where I was... my life would have been so much more impoverished. I had to go from being a highly conservative, liturgical Christian in an ancient religious tradition to being a mainline Protestant and learning to rub shoulders with people who had very different notions of what Christianity should look like. Fortunately, I had a pastor that hung with me through it all, and probably endured alot more pointed questions about the significance of the Christian life than he had ever heard before.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

OK, @Emosoundlogic, here are a few questions that will help me help you write a profile. I want to identify to type of woman that would be compatible with you and then write a profile to appeal to her, truthfully describing intersections of interest you might have with her.

Read the article I linked for you about compatibility and then answer the following questions. It's at: Choosing the Right One to Marry - Letter #2 (Marriage Builders®,...

There are no wrong answers. This is just to understand the way you are in certain areas so you can find someone who is similar.

a) Intelligence: Roughly what was your GPA in high school? In college? What are the last 5 books you read and how long ago did you read them? What types of things do you do to nurture your intelligence?

b) Energy. OK, so you're an energy addict. Does that mean you go to the gym or a fitness activity 4x a week, or does that mean you have constant ants in your pants and need to burn off energy for three hours every evening and all day Sat/Sun? What type of vacations do you take? Reflecting very honestly, what level of energy goes into relaxing while on vacations? What would you like to do to relax at home? What do you actually do to relax (if its different than what you would like to do)?

c) Social. Are you an introvert or extrovert? Do you crack jokes often? Dry humor or conventional humor? How often are you the focal point of a group?

d) Cultural background. I have the idea on this, but how flexible can you be? Please read my posts #149 and #150. Could you enjoy/extend that level of flexibility with your beliefs?

e) What values do you have on your day to day life that are non-negotiable? Values that you continue to observe even if it would hurt your spouse? Church every Sunday? Brazillion jo-jangles? Raising your kids in a certain faith? Reading your Bible? .... etc... try to think of everything that you would do even at the expense of your spouse due to strong beliefs you might have. The point of this question is to make sure she shares those values so you "needing" to do them at her expense is not a possibility.

A)

So, I literally cheated my way out of high school, I hated school. I never applied myself because I was too busy getting bullied, stabbed, beaten, etc etc. School was what I had to endure until I could get home and play games every day. So, I'd say my GPA from high school? Like a 2.5 lol.

Fast forward to college, well, that was different. I got lucky and my first algebra remedial teacher spoke my language. I aced all of her tests and got the highest GPA in the class. I completed my core with a 3.8 GPA.

When I went to University, I got destroyed. I thought I was gonna be an artist, lol I dropped out after the first semester because let's just say, I'm NO artists. I am 9th percentile in openness to experience, so I have like 0 interest in art or drama / plays etc etc.

That being said, once I found an online university that specialized in computers, I literally aced my way through, everything except coding, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] was that a struggle, please don't ever ask me to code again God! I graduated with a 3.0 all said and done. So I guess you could say I am like a B student, when I apply myself?

I'm not a for fun reader, I love to research so I read constantly, but I don't enjoy sitting down reading fiction. I've read the entire Harry Potter series twice, the Bible (like 80% or more), Family Swiss Robinson when I was in high school, and I've listened to the entire GOT series on Audiobook and a few others, but I don't think that really counts?

B)

So, I do BJJ right now 5 nights a week for 2 hours. Fri/Sun are my rest days. I can easily sit still for long periods as I sit all day for my job and all night for my entertainment, but I cannot stand being bored or unchallenged, it literally makes me angry and I start to get very grouchy.

Traveling wise, aside from a few small trips (Vegas when I was 8, Nebraska when I was 9, Maryland when I was 12), I've only ever been to New York once on a real vacation. I live in Texas. I absolutely hated the experience. I was there for work for the week, and I probably slept 16 hours the entire week, I had massive anxiety and couldn't relax at all, even though I was doing hard lifting workouts every night trying to tire myself out. The plane ride there and back was agony, I find it very difficult to entertain myself with just books or movies.

I spent the weekend in manhatten and I walked for probably the entire time I was there. I saw every major tourist attraction, ate at a ton of recommended areas, tried some of the clubs etc, but it was mostly boring, I approached the entire trip like a check list of getting pictures. I lost 10 lbs in 1 week on that trip and when I got home it took me 2 days to recover, along with sleeping medication just to be able to get back into my normal rhythm. Needless to say, I don't think traveling is my thing.

C)

So, this is where I have somewhat of a split personality. When I don't know people in a room, or it's a professional setting, I choose to sit in corners or be on the outside looking in and don't say anything unless called upon or I have a very good point to make. It takes me a while to get comfortable in new groups to the point that I will engage in open conversations.

However... Once I do get to know someone or I feel safe to speak, I basically don't shut up. I find myself falling into depression when I'm alone and I feel like sleeping most of the time. But, being apart of a group I even marginally enjoy is better than being alone...

So, I would say I'm a reluctant extrovert, makes no sense but that's me, that being said if everyone in the room is quiet and no ones talking, I get uncomfortable and will usually try to break the ice with a comment or something like anyone know what the weekend weather is going to be like?

D)

So, I would say I am definitely a republican. I'm pro-life, pro-strong military, anti-big government, pro-strong immigration security/boarders. Pro-guns. I think we need to completely re-do education. I think college will be mostly free, probably just a subscription really, in the near future because it will all be online.

Religiously I was raised fundamental baptist which I find to be almost insane, I prefer non-denominational, erring on the side of grace over law, I don't have a problem with speaking in tongues or casting out spirits etc, I just find it to be uncomfortable area for me due to a brief church I attended that got weird for me.

Up until recently, I would say no I couldn't be flexible, but God seems to be telling me rather loudly that I need to learn to flex or at least not be combative about differences, which is hard for someone so low in politeness lol.

E)

So this is where stuff gets wack...

There's almost nothing that I would absolutely HAVE to do over my wife so long as she continued to be faithful to me, aside from obviously I'm not giving up God. I would be stubborn about changing jobs, unless she could convince me that it was a good financial decision, I would be extremely scared of loosening my dietary restrictions due to weight gain. I could give up BJJ or lifting and that stuff, so long as she replaced it with something that we could do together that kept me in shape. Same thing with gaming.

So, I guess something that keeps me in shape and God would be my deal breakers. Everything else is negotiable but this is where I start to feel clingy and like a door mat. My mother RAN my dad's house, she was the boss and the princess, I swore I'd never marry a woman that made me her silent provider while she made all the decisions, but it seems rather natural to me unfortunately. I am naturally very stubborn and need logical convincing of things though.

So, if she decided we needed to move to California because it's the best place in the country etc etc... She'd have to convince me that it was a logical move financially, and in the best interest of our future, not that I would be automatically against it, just I'm not doing anything that isn't well thought out and planned.

Let me know if I didn't explain something well enough.

 

[Endeavourer]

I am naturally very stubborn and need logical convincing of things though.

So, if she decided we needed to move to California because it's the best place in the country etc etc... She'd have to convince me that it was a logical move financially, and in the best interest of our future, not that I would be automatically against it, just I'm not doing anything that isn't well thought out and planned.

Let me know if I didn't explain something well enough.

Great run down!! That was helpful.

So, let's talk about this, since it is flashing **!!PROBLEM!!** with neon wrecker lights.

Are you open to stipulating at the start of a discussion that a wife of similar intelligence as you has equally intelligent logic? Would you be able to shift your focus on these conversations to brainstorming to find an intersection in your separate (equally valid) logic rather than running down who's logic is actually more logical?

Edited to add: this is why similar intelligence is so important.... one spouse stepping into the smarter than you/educating role is death to staying in love.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

I know you have all three. And let me tell you, drugs and alcohol are hard addictions to beat... But you beat them by not doing them anymore and getting help to avoid them and the people who supply them. When you are ready, you rejoin your life on your terms with a carefully cultivated environment you control.

Food? Exercise? Your body? You can't escape those. Every meal, every trip to the gym, every time you stand in front of the mirror, there is an opportunity to relapse. You can't go without food or exercise until you feel ready to face a world of never doing it again... You are forever reliant on your addiction and have to try to make peace with it instantly, going from destructive to moderation overnight.

So alcohol and drugs may be a worse addiction to have in the sense that you're one OD away from dying, but food, body image, and exercise is just as hard (and in many ways harder). You get help, then a few hours later you are immediately tested and expected to face your trigger. And, given enough time, those things will kill you too... Just not quickly.



Friend, I'm very, very confident that you will find that by being brave enough to get help with these issues from a person who ACTUALLY knows what they're doing, you will find that you are closer to a lot of inner and outer peace than you know. Like I said, you can't expect yourself to have a good, trusting relationship if you don't even have that with yourself.

I mean, you gotta understand though... I've been told and seen it play out MANY times, that if I don't keep myself in the best possible shape I can, then I am not valuable on the so called sexual market. It may not be Godly but it's reality. Women are much more attracted to a ripped body than a fluffy one. Just as men are much more attracted to a healthy female body instead of a fluffy one, although men seem to have a lot more wiggle room in that area. I know men that love BIG women, men that don't really care, men that only like small girls, but women seem to have a type. Basically that brad pitt in fight club body, not too built, but lean and of course that handsome face and height.

My metabolism is slower than average by a lot, my history of being very over weight means I have more fat cells than average by a LOT, they're just really shrunk down now, so when I have a "cheat" meal, my body sucks it all up like it's not going to live until tomorrow. I've gained 30-40 lbs in 3-4 months, it's really really really easy for me to go from where I am now to looking like I don't even workout...

My very structured meal plans make it easy to guarantee my calories and macro / micro nutrients are in check, my workouts ensure that I burn the excess calories due to my slow metabolism. If I give on either, I lose. Yeah, if I knew a girl I liked didn't mind if I was fluffy, sure I could let go, but I'd be a hypocrite because I would resent her for doing the same...

So, not only am I locked here due to wanting to attract a mate, I'm locked here in order to maintain that mate and like I said contractual agreement to myself even if she's unaware of it.

I don't see a way I could just accept being average again, because I'm not attracted to average, and I feel like that would literally doom me to a life of misery. So, yes, eating like I do and working out all the time isn't always fun, although I do enjoy it mostly, it's the lesser of two evils to me.

Are we really calling that a mental illness? If so, I mean, lol, not that this isn't said by every addict ever but I don't think there's any helping me, I'm beyond repair, that's like 20+ years of psychological brainwashing I'd have to somehow undo...

 

[Emosoundlogic]

My husband, who is an incredibly perceptive and intelligent man, used to think sea glass was naturally occurring. He thought it was a shell or broken off a reef. When I found a huge chunk that was obviously an old Coke bottle, he asked me why I was keeping "garbage." I looked at him kind of dumbstruck and said "... Because finding a chunk of sea glass this huge and distinctive is a really amazing find...?" I literally watched as he tried to process this, then he said "So it's not from nature? Sea glass is... Trash...? We have been picking up garbage all these years?? That stained glass you made with sea glass was really a window made with TRASH?" He was completely incredulous. I was completely stunned that for all these years he just thought nature made sea glass.

Meanwhile, one day I told him I wanted to eat at our local pub because I was craving some of their amazing dipping sauce. My husband loves to cook and so do I, so he was kind of surprised to hear they had a sauce that I liked that I couldn't recreate at home. So he asked me, what sauce? I said that brown dipping sauce they serve with the Scotch Eggs. The mustard sauce? Nope, I said, the other one. The brown one. He looks at me and says "The A1 Sauce?" I insisted, no, it was the house sauce. Turns out, it is A1. I had gone 20+ years craving a sauce that I thought was a house sauce but was really A1. For my birthday, he got me a bottle and crossed out the A1 and wrote "secret magic sauce."

Point is, we are all smart people who say and do really dumb things sometimes. When you're with somebody as long and as frequently as your spouse, you're going to say and do dumb things in front of each other.

Lol, nah, that's cute I get it, and I think one of my MAJOR impediments is that I'm so poor with communication. That's not at all the kind of stuff I would be demeaning about, obviously that's endearing.

 

[FireDragon76]

I mean, you gotta understand though... I've been told and seen it play out MANY times, that if I don't keep myself in the best possible shape I can, then I am not valuable on the so called sexual market. It may not be Godly but it's reality. Women are much more attracted to a ripped body than a fluffy one.

It really depends, that's more of a stereotype. And at any rate, those are the least important things to successful relationships. Getting in bed with somebody, maybe, but an enduring relationship? No.

If a person is willing to put themselves out there, sex isn't that hard to get, even for a someone who isn't in such great shape. It might not comport with your particular ethical standards, and you might not exactly be sleeping with folks that check off all your own boxes, but that's another issue altogether. This stuff that the incel crowd makes up about sex being unobtainable is more a reflection of their immaturity, generalized fear of intimacy, and rigid ideals. Only in a small percentage of cases is it genuinely true (people that are disabled for instance, are often indeed desexualized).

Just as men are much more attracted to a healthy female body instead of a fluffy one, although men seem to have a lot more wiggle room in that area. I know men that love BIG women, men that don't really care, men that only like small girls, but women seem to have a type. Basically that brad pitt in fight club body, not too built, but lean and of course that handsome face and height.

Sounds a bit homoerotic, to be honest (in the sense of a man projecting what he thinks a man ought to be sexually), compared to what women really want. Women are much more flexible in that department. Mostly they don't want a man to treat them as an expendable sex object.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

To be honest, dating and such isn't all rainbows and sunshine for us ladies either. I myself have chosen to just stay single for a good long time after my experiences with dating men (and most of them were good friends with me before dating which just made everything worse).

My advice: Don't go looking for a woman to date/marry just because you want to have righteous sex as soon as possible. We are no glorified sex objects for men to merely lust after. If sex is the only thing you can think of then it sounds like you need therapy more than you need a wife.

So, my personal belief, while not discrediting yours, is that women have very little understanding of how men view sex, generally speaking. It is a drive that I would say out weighs even hunger for us. So I think that passage that paul is talking about burning with desire, it's VERY fitting because it is a constant continuous flame that is never extinguished, at least until we age and our testosterone declines naturally and we get fat and it drops further and then we basically stop really caring as much, I hear.

But, I think it's very cruel to expect men to just "control themselves" for years and years. That's what leads to men doing desperate and regrettable things. That's why so many men cheat on their wives when the sex stops, or they get divorced etc. Imagine if you couldn't experience emotional gratification without a romantic partner, and couldn't experience it WITH that partner until you were married. I think you'd have a very different perspective, my two cents.

 

[FireDragon76]

So, my personal belief, while not discrediting yours, is that women have very little understanding of how men view sex, generally speaking. It is a drive that I would say out weighs even hunger for us. So I think that passage that paul is talking about burning with desire, it's VERY fitting because it is a constant continuous flame that is never extinguished, at least until we age and our testosterone declines naturally and we get fat and it drops further and then we basically stop really caring as much, I hear.

But, I think it's very cruel to expect men to just "control themselves" for years and years. That's what leads to men doing desperate and regrettable things. That's why so many men cheat on their wives when the sex stops, or they get divorced etc. Imagine if you couldn't experience emotional gratification without a romantic partner, and couldn't experience it WITH that partner until you were married. I think you'd have a very different perspective, my two cents.

I think its more complicated than that. I lived a celibate life for years... it's doable to a certain extent but involves asceticism, a serious commitment to spirituality, and community support. Whether that tradeoff is worth it is a personal judgment based on your values. Most evangelicals frankly don't have religious communities that are good at supporting that sort of vocation.

 

[Endeavourer]

Lol, nah, that's cute I get it, and I think one of my MAJOR impediments is that I'm so poor with communication. That's not at all the kind of stuff I would be demeaning about, obviously that's endearing.

Actually, you communicate very well on here, so it's not that.

Perhaps your behaviors during communication are poor, or some methods of communication are less effective for you than others, but you are capable of communicating very well.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

Great run down!! That was helpful.

So, let's talk about this, since it is flashing **!!PROBLEM!!** with neon wrecker lights.

Are you open to stipulating at the start of a discussion that a wife of similar intelligence as you has equally intelligent logic? Would you be able to shift your focus on these conversations to brainstorming to find an intersection in your separate (equally valid) logic rather than running down who's logic is actually more logical?

Edited to add: this is why similar intelligence is so important.... one spouse stepping into the smarter than you/educating role is death to staying in love.

I mean that I need more than I just feel this is right babe... Or, this would make me feel better. To be convinced. I can't negotiate with feelings, they're just emotions, they have a basis and if you can't articulate what that basis is to me, how am I suppose to understand it?

 

[Endeavourer]

I mean that I need more than I just feel this is right babe... Or, this would make me feel better. To be convinced. I can't negotiate with feelings, they're just emotions, they have a basis and if you can't articulate what that basis is to me, how am I suppose to understand it?

So this ^^ would feel extremely disrespectful to anyone who was trying to negotiate with you towards an agreement. It is assuming their "logic" is just feelings/emotions and therefore not as valid as yours. It's a huge lovebuster.

Do you know it's easier to change behaviors than it is to change feelings? Marital success is heavily dependent upon each person being able to adapt their behaviors around not hurting the other person's feelings, and even better, towards behaving as a person your spouse wants to stay in love with.

Could you negotiate towards finding intersections in your separate desires (whether you call them feelings, logic or emotions) instead of analyzing who has the superior grounds for their position?

 

[Endeavourer]

Men like you who have a contractual logic to their personalities rank among the best husband material out there.

Their problem is not the underlying trait, it that these men struggle to apply it in a productive way with appropriate behaviors.

Knowing what behaviors to adapt is the biggest part of the battle. Once you can categorize good vs bad behaviors, they are easy to learn and to change. Behaviors will make the difference between joy and misery.

 

[Endeavourer]

Here's a section of an article (link pasted below) that I think will appeal to your personality:

My background as a psychologist taught me that learned associations trigger most of our emotional reactions. Whenever something is presented repeatedly with a physically induced emotion, it tends to trigger that emotion all by itself. For example, if you flash the color blue along with an electric shock, and the color red with a soothing back rub, eventually the color blue will tend to upset you and the color red will tend to relax you.

Applying the same principle to the feeling of love, I theorized that love might be nothing more than a learned association. If someone were to be present often enough when I was feeling particularly good, the person's presence in general might be enough to trigger that good feeling - something we have come to know as the feeling of love.

I could not have been more correct in my analysis. By encouraging each spouse to try to do whatever it took to make each other happy, and avoid doing what made each other unhappy, that feeling of love would be restored. The first couple I counseled with this new approach fell in love and their marriage was saved.

From that point on, every time I saw a couple, I simply asked them what the other could do that would make them the happiest, and whatever it was, that was their first assignment. Of course, not every couple really knew what would make them happy, and not every spouse was willing to try it. But as I perfected my method, I began to understand what it was that husbands and wives needed from each other to trigger the feeling of love. And I would help them identify what each of them needed. I also became more effective in motivating them to meet whatever need was identified, even when they didn't feel like doing it at first. Before long, I was helping almost every couple fall in love again and avoid divorce. My method proved to be so successful, that I quit teaching psychology, and started counseling full-time.
​

So successful marriages are more mathematical than most people realize. People with contractual logic like yours, once good vs bad behaviors are identified, tend to be more pragmatic in engaging in good behaviors and avoiding bad behaviors. This is a huge part of the battle for a successful marriage.

So, knowing these behaviors for the dating process is crucial, also. Dating is an interview for marriage. How well you can adapt your behaviors to the woman's needs will determine whether she falls in love with you. How well her behaviors fit your needs will determine if you fall in love with her. This ability is far more important than appearance or money or any external conditions you can offer.

**It has been my experience that any two people who are mostly compatible in the 5 areas in the article I listed earlier can be in love and have a fabulous marriage - if they will both adapt particular good and avoid particular bad behaviors.** This can even be the case if initially there was no physical attraction, although that is not the best way to start off.

How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages (Marriage Builders®,...

 

[Emosoundlogic]

Actually, you communicate very well on here, so it's not that.

Perhaps your behaviors during communication are poor, or some methods of communication are less effective for you than others, but you are capable of communicating very well.

Well, what I mean is that I can't communicate who I am very well, as you've seen.

 

[Endeavourer]

No, I have not seen that. You are communicating who you are exceptionally well.

Your marketing effort on selling yourself in 300 words or less fell flat, but that's OK. Most people have a hard time selling the multiple dimensions of who they are on a flat piece of paper in a few words.

I'm in sales and marketing but creating a resume after 15 years at the same company was still a tall challenge for me. It took many revisions and outside opinions.

 

[Endeavourer]

Perhaps your best medium of communication when you are discussing difficult issues would be email. That's OK.

My husband and I give each other the liberty to pick whatever communication method would best help us navigate a conflict. Sometimes we need 24 hours to think about what/how we will communicate the problem. That's part of communicating, too... taking the space you need to do it right.

Maybe your best dating approach would be to stick to email for two or three weeks before you meet the person live. That will give you some groundwork with really nice communication so the two of you will be more connected/ invested by the time you meet live, and she will be more likely to see through things that you might not verbally phrase the best at the moment.

Remember those quotes I put into a comment a while ago and asked you why that man didn't show up for your profile? A lot of women would easily fall in love with that man.

 

[Endeavourer]

Perhaps your best medium of communication when you are discussing difficult issues would be email. That's OK.

What about looking for someone who is approx 100 - 500 miles away so the getting to know each other would be mostly via email exchanges and the in person experiences would then tend to be long dates of doing something together?

Maybe your forte is not the meet and greet dinners. Written communications are forte of yours.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

Here's a section of an article (link pasted below) that I think will appeal to your personality:

My background as a psychologist taught me that learned associations trigger most of our emotional reactions. Whenever something is presented repeatedly with a physically induced emotion, it tends to trigger that emotion all by itself. For example, if you flash the color blue along with an electric shock, and the color red with a soothing back rub, eventually the color blue will tend to upset you and the color red will tend to relax you.

Applying the same principle to the feeling of love, I theorized that love might be nothing more than a learned association. If someone were to be present often enough when I was feeling particularly good, the person's presence in general might be enough to trigger that good feeling - something we have come to know as the feeling of love.

I could not have been more correct in my analysis. By encouraging each spouse to try to do whatever it took to make each other happy, and avoid doing what made each other unhappy, that feeling of love would be restored. The first couple I counseled with this new approach fell in love and their marriage was saved.

From that point on, every time I saw a couple, I simply asked them what the other could do that would make them the happiest, and whatever it was, that was their first assignment. Of course, not every couple really knew what would make them happy, and not every spouse was willing to try it. But as I perfected my method, I began to understand what it was that husbands and wives needed from each other to trigger the feeling of love. And I would help them identify what each of them needed. I also became more effective in motivating them to meet whatever need was identified, even when they didn't feel like doing it at first. Before long, I was helping almost every couple fall in love again and avoid divorce. My method proved to be so successful, that I quit teaching psychology, and started counseling full-time.
​

So successful marriages are more mathematical than most people realize. People with contractual logic like yours, once good vs bad behaviors are identified, tend to be more pragmatic in engaging in good behaviors and avoiding bad behaviors. This is a huge part of the battle for a successful marriage.

So, knowing these behaviors for the dating process is crucial, also. Dating is an interview for marriage. How well you can adapt your behaviors to the woman's needs will determine whether she falls in love with you. How well her behaviors fit your needs will determine if you fall in love with her. This ability is far more important than appearance or money or any external conditions you can offer.

**It has been my experience that any two people who are mostly compatible in the 5 areas in the article I listed earlier can be in love and have a fabulous marriage - if they will both adapt particular good and avoid particular bad behaviors.** This can even be the case if initially there was no physical attraction, although that is not the best way to start off.

How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages (Marriage Builders®,...

Okay, so yeah, all of that makes sense, kind of like the love languages thing, I get it. I'm totally down, my only issue is... I don't think there's a manual for (Women need X to be happy...) While, the reverse is 100% true... For the longest time that saying of Feed me, X me, and stop nagging me has always been the way to make a man happiest... Really, for men we are SIMPLE. Women, are complicated as all get out, and men aren't very intelligent when it comes to understanding y'all, at least I don't think many have figured y'all out.

So, yes, IF I could be given a rough idea of do X for her, DO NOT do Y, and whalla that's your best bet. Hell, I'd be MR X and never MR Y all day long, that's simple and easily repeatable for me.

Can you help me define that?

 

[Emosoundlogic]

What about looking for someone who is approx 100 - 500 miles away so the getting to know each other would be mostly via email exchanges and the in person experiences would then tend to be long dates of doing something together?

Maybe your forte is not the meet and greet dinners. Written communications are forte of yours.

I mean... I don't think my issue is medium, I think my issue is delivery. I call it charisma, it's the difference between Obama and George W Bush... I'm on the Bush end of the spectrum... Fool me once shame on me! I fumble when it comes to showing who I really am regardless of the medium. People who take the time to get to know me, or have LONG drawn out conversations, realize lol you're nothing like you describe, but how the heck do I change that? The only way I know is to get a translator lol!

My brother has said many times if I just had him go on dates with me, he could explain "my name ese" to them, and I'd probably fair a LOT better.