Backing my wife when I know she is wrong

[codewarrior]

As the husband of my wife and the man of the house, I know it is my responsibility to provide my wife and future kids with security. Our household is the one place she should be able to find herself in a safe environment. My wife is struggling with extreme insecurities due to her childhood, although she will not admit to it, and does not see the need for counseling. Because of this, it is even more important for her to know that I have her back.

Also, due to her childhood, she is not completely "house-broken". Although she has improved tremendously over the past 3 years of our marriage, she still lacks some basic social skills. Because of this, she has a way of either hurting people, or making them very angry, and she just fails to see why, believing those people are being unreasonable. Some basic examples would be:
- She speaks very disrespectful to elder people: An older lady might ask her what work she's doing, then she will disrespectfully mumble that she is studying and not working. When I talk to her about this behavior, she has this attitude that they (other people) have no right asking her this type of questions.
- Her tone during communication seems a little harsh. She recently had a disagreement with a doctor's admin lady (that doesn't seem computer literate) regarding a proof of payment. Her reply to the lady was "it is sad that you don't think it's required to send proof of payment to your clients, ..., therefore I am canceling my next appointment."
- She is very accusative, saying things like "Sorry that you think I was harsh", instead of a softer, less accusative "apologies for coming forth as harsh" or something similar. She will tell people (other than myself) in their face things like "I know you don't like me but you MUST still respect me".

The problem is that she is making a lot of enemies. People that I really like, people that I find pleasant. I don't like hurting people, but she seems to be blunt about it. It is as if she just doesn't know, or just doesn't care. Recently my parents also fell victim to this, and since then my relationship with my parents took a huge knock.

In so many situations I know that she is wrong, but it is my duty to have her back and protect her in these situations. But she is not open to listening to me when I raise my concerns regarding her behavior afterwards. She will accuse me of taking "their" side.

What to do? She will only see a counselor with me under the pretext of "marriage counseling", but she told me that if she has to discuss her past, she will walk out. She is not my daughter, I cannot teach her the basic life skills.

I know there is no definite or correct answer, but I need some opinions from knowledgeable people, maybe someone who went through this and overcame it.

 

[Ken Rank]

Based on what you have shared (and this is only your side) it sounds to me like she has a good man for a husband, she might not even realize how good. That said.... two things came to mind when reading this, neither might be good but I thought I would share them. Sometimes in doing so even a bad idea can generate a little rabbit trail that actually ends up with something useful.

So... the first thing would be to pay attention to others and when you see somebody acting like her, don't tell her "hey babe, you two are like peas in a pod," but rather, point out the behavior and ask what she thinks of it. Don't make it look like you think it is how she acts, but make sure she sees it and bank that away for a moment you'll undoubtedly have in the future where you can then say, "Hey, remember that woman in WalMart and how she treated that sales clerk, well.... ." Time is everything, as I can see you already know. Nothing will change over-night. The other thing that came to mind was a roll reversal, something some counselors might do in certain situations. You take her roll (where you want to be accurate but not as harsh as you might want to portray it) and she takes yours. She might not, probably won't.... accept how you view her NOW... but again, over time it will likely sink in.

I will lift you up in prayer regardless.

 

[EmmaCat]

I'll be praying for both of you.

All good things
Emmy

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello, codewarrior, and welcome to CF.

First, you have my prayer.

Several things could be going on here. And by the way, I agree that she has an outstanding husband. I hope you are able to build bridges, especially with family, and ask for their patience so that relationships are not destroyed in the meantime.

If she truly has no empathy, that is extremely difficult to deal with. You might need to consider seeing that therapist yourself if she won't go, to at least try to develop a toolkit of your own to help her. I hope that's not really the case though. But it's worth making distinctions about what you're dealing with.

I can relate to some of what you say. My husband had a difficult background with some traumas in life, and he is also from a different culture (Asian). I had put his idiosyncrasies and social awkwardness down to mostly culture, because he was fine alone with me. But it has caused difficulties with making friends and also sometimes with family members, so I can relate somewhat. Your situation sounds a little different and more difficult though, to be honest.

I have asked my husband (we've been married 7 years) at times if he wanted a little coaching on certain things. I did NOT make a big deal out of it. He accepted on small things, though it hasn't made a big difference. Maybe I'm not that good a coach.

With practice and modeling he has improved a little.

I see more difference over time as he heals from some of those traumas. Some things we have talked about. It is a slow process. He also seems to trust himself more the more he accomplishes (he's very capable in many things) .... sometimes success in an unrelated area kind of flows into a different problem area.

And to be honest, there is a lot of essentially therapy and healing in the theology of my Church. Over a few years of practicing what I've been taught, I've become much more whole, and as a result - two things. I'm able to love him much more genuinely, which he does take notice of. (I suspect this works even better husband to wife.) And I've been very gentle but actually I respond to some of his tendencies very lovingly, but I don't let him "get away with it" anymore, nor do I let it upset me (generally it's directed at me). The fact that it doesn't upset me was hard for him to believe, but when he realizes I'm not getting angry, but speaking calmly, but both gentle and firm about not allowing his statements to go unchallenged - well, he says I'm "parenting" him, and it feels that way, but it works. The foundation of love and respect is essential though. I hope that makes sense. I'm afraid I'm not willing to give examples, as I've probably said too much against respecting him already, but my desire is to help.

Again, seeing the therapist on your own may help. And you deserve some honor for treating your wife so well and loving her in this way.

Once again, welcome to CF. I'm praying for you. And God be with you both.

 

[archer75]

I know this is difficult from both sides. Very difficult when somehow has such problems that are not really their fault. When I say both sides I meant I have dealt with some and had them myself. There are already advice-responses better than any I can offer, just wanted to say I hear you. God bless.

 

[akmom]

They say you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but I have not actually found that to be true. People who crave kindness seem to respond well to it, but most people don't really care. Their bottom line is making money and avoiding inconvenience, and they only go out of their way when it's a social investment - so if you're a friend, colleague, or family member. Blowing up at someone (vinegar) or being friendly (honey) gets you about the same number of flies. Being matter-of-fact, professional and confident seems to get the most flies, in my experience, because it appeals to people's desire to "avoid inconvenience."

Basically, it doesn't hurt to be friendly, but I wouldn't be too pushy about it with your wife because there's a very good chance she won't reap the benefits everyone promises and it'll just make her more jaded about people. Encourage calmness and composure instead. Ken Rank is onto something. Point out examples of blunt, highly reactive people versus calm and collected ones... it's not hard to see the "problem" when it's someone else!

If certain triggers keep coming up, it's a good idea to plan a response. That way she isn't left "mumbling," or fumbling for a response in frustration, which typically produces rude and snippy answers, and the recipient won't know why. For example, I consider family planning to be private. Lots of people don't. I frequently get asked whether I'm planning on having more children. Rather than trying to decide, on the spot, whether to say "yes," "no," "I don't know," "We'll see," or "It's private" - which all involve answers or implications I have no desire to give - I have my standard response of "We are enjoying having four." It's not an answer, but it is a polite response. The "work" question is often a sensitive one, because it *feels* judgmental. Like... the questioner is basically saying they expect you to work by asking it, when in fact it is really just an icebreaker that means, "I'm interested in getting to know you." Answer accordingly.

 

[eddified]

This is extremely difficult. My mother is somewhat similar. She has boundary issues and says/does things that alienates others. My father had such a hard time with her that he separated from her for a few years. She needs counseling badly but thinks she doesn't need it. She pretty much never admits to any wrong doing. It's maddening. She is not teachable because she isn't humble. What my dad did to "back her when she is wrong" is to constantly play the role of peacemaker. It may be the best thing to do. My father will communicate with others about her behind her back, saying that he understands that she is difficult and trying to smooth things over. When he speaks behind her back, he doesn't do it in a gossipy manner, he does it in this way: "I don't agree with everything she says/does, I'd like to apologize for her behavior because she has some mental health issues. I understand she said something that offended you, but I can assure you that she means well. She doesn't understand why it was wrong to say what she did."

I'm not a therapist, I don't know what is best but perhaps there is something here you can use. God bless.

 

[look4hope]

Simply put, you're being a kind and loyal husband. Something to be proud of.
Sounds like a tough predicament you are in, sir.
There are some great replies above. Seeing a therapist, even if it's you only can help maintain sanity during.
Totally understandable that your wife most likely can't seem to show basic gentle human connection. But reminders by a loving and patient husband can have a great effect.

Stay strong. Keep us posted

 

[Daniel Marsh]

As the husband of my wife and the man of the house, I know it is my responsibility to provide my wife and future kids with security. Our household is the one place she should be able to find herself in a safe environment. My wife is struggling with extreme insecurities due to her childhood, although she will not admit to it, and does not see the need for counseling. Because of this, it is even more important for her to know that I have her back.

Also, due to her childhood, she is not completely "house-broken". Although she has improved tremendously over the past 3 years of our marriage, she still lacks some basic social skills. Because of this, she has a way of either hurting people, or making them very angry, and she just fails to see why, believing those people are being unreasonable. Some basic examples would be:
- She speaks very disrespectful to elder people: An older lady might ask her what work she's doing, then she will disrespectfully mumble that she is studying and not working. When I talk to her about this behavior, she has this attitude that they (other people) have no right asking her this type of questions.
- Her tone during communication seems a little harsh. She recently had a disagreement with a doctor's admin lady (that doesn't seem computer literate) regarding a proof of payment. Her reply to the lady was "it is sad that you don't think it's required to send proof of payment to your clients, ..., therefore I am canceling my next appointment."
- She is very accusative, saying things like "Sorry that you think I was harsh", instead of a softer, less accusative "apologies for coming forth as harsh" or something similar. She will tell people (other than myself) in their face things like "I know you don't like me but you MUST still respect me".

The problem is that she is making a lot of enemies. People that I really like, people that I find pleasant. I don't like hurting people, but she seems to be blunt about it. It is as if she just doesn't know, or just doesn't care. Recently my parents also fell victim to this, and since then my relationship with my parents took a huge knock.

In so many situations I know that she is wrong, but it is my duty to have her back and protect her in these situations. But she is not open to listening to me when I raise my concerns regarding her behavior afterwards. She will accuse me of taking "their" side.

What to do? She will only see a counselor with me under the pretext of "marriage counseling", but she told me that if she has to discuss her past, she will walk out. She is not my daughter, I cannot teach her the basic life skills.

I know there is no definite or correct answer, but I need some opinions from knowledgeable people, maybe someone who went through this and overcame it.

I went through that myself. Sometime, when everything is clam and you both are alone, talk about taking a Dale Carnegie course --- relate it to getting ahead in life and work or anything She is into. The methods of public speaking will indirectly address many of the problems. It also, looks great on Resumes. A second possibility, is Toastmasters International Club. If there was an drinking problem in Her or Your Family, then join an al-anon group. Check with social groups for other possibilities.