Are there sure fire signs of an affair....or is it just exhaustion?

[TrueHope]

My husband and I have been married 7 years. We never had a honey moon due to situations at hand. He is the most selfless, overgiving person I have ever met...but it has caused problems because he gives too much. This past 3 years, he has had 2 different jobs out of the country. He smokes almost 3 packs of Half smoked cigarettes every day, doesn't sleep at night, and we haven't slept in the same bed for almost 3 years. We have been one as a couple, by my initiation, perhaps 3 times in over 2 years. I try to rub his back, hold hands...I am always the initiator. The first 4 years, he was so loving and active...is this behaviors of an affair...or sheer exhaustion as his job is very difficult and stressful. He is top manager. Also he is Christian and takes God's word very seriously...but also in the past 3 years, he has taken to more drinking...not regularly...but because he is not at home most of the time, and it is a foreign country...(I too am in a foreign country and it has been a struggle with us) He swears constantly now, (Which he had NEVER done before) and he barely looks at me when I approach him in a loving manor. Normal conversation, ok. It hurts so much, and deep inside I feel he is faithful, but the devil is a liar to all, and I wonder if he is being lied to....as well as me.

And another thing, as this is very strange to me. He has become almost completely anti-social...and wants me not to have contact with any "New" people. As well as our children. It's like he wants to cut us off from the world completely. Not in an abusive way, he demands it out of frustration. Including my church friends and priest.

I know I have a ton to work on...I am controlling, because I need to feel some kind of order in my life....but I am not overboard. And I am probably extremely selfish, because I want my family to grow up with the right values and morals, which I feel is quickly slipping through the cracks here. Is he reacting to my trying to hold on the the God way of life, versus letting everyone do anything they want? We used to be in agreement with so much...now we are total strangers being polite to each other. Has anyone else gone through something similar? There is far much more to this, but I can never put it on-line. Which only adds to both our stress levels. I don't know...I just want to give up so many times. I told him yesterday that it was only for God that I am still here, in this marriage, in this world. Because as I see it, there is not much here for me at all...this is where I feel selfish!!!! I am trying...it is so hard when everyone is disrespecting me...including him by not even acknowledging me. What is this teaching the children?

Any ideas? It hurts so much, and the kids see our distance...we must look rediculous!

 

[SabrinaFair]

It is hard to say, it could be an affair, but the description could also apply to porn, or depression.

What has caused you both to be in separate bedrooms?

 

[momofone]

There are medical conditions that may cause a man to lose interest. Low testosterone, depression, heart problems. And stressful jobs don't help any of them. Don't automatically jump to the conclusion that it's an affair, but do try hard to find out what really is going on.

 

[TrueHope]

What has caused you both to be in separate bedrooms

This is what I have been trying to figure out for so long. I wish I knew!!!!!! Every time I mention it about him sleeping on the couch, he rolls his eyes or doesn't acknowledge the statement at all.

Once he said it was tv...so I put the tv in our room....still not here.
I know he is physically and mentally exhausted, but this is rediculous. I try to be a good wife, and it is hard putting on the happy act when I feel so abandoned.

 

[SabrinaFair]

Would he be willing to go to counseling to help your marriage?

Have you ever read the book "Love and Respect"? You might find it has some good insight on how to approach this issue with your husband. Also it has good suggestions for things that may help you reach out to him.

Do you know what his love languages are? Do you try to express love to him in those ways each day?

Perhaps you could start praying aloud good things into his life, and letting him hear you thank God for a Godly, loving husband? Build him up whenever you can, lift him up to God in prayer if he has had a bad work day, or pray for favor if there is some challenge at work?

Is the focus on what he is doing wrong and where he is falling short? It sounds as if his job is wearing him thin, will he talk about the things that have him so stressed? Does he feel like he is failing in most areas of his life and can't seem to make anyone happy?

Do you and he ever go places together? Do you have a date night where someone keeps the kiddos and you are able to get away? Does he have any hobbies, any ways (other than vegging in front of the TV) to unwind and remember how to have fun and enjoy life- something to help him find joy? Can you encourage him to explore his interests and let him know that his happiness really is important to you?

I know that these are a lot of questions, but seriously take a look at your individual lives, chances are you are both miserable right now- no one really wants to live in a limbo state of roommatehood with someone they can't relate to anymore. Perhaps if you and he can find the joy of life again, and if you and he can reconnect in positive ways, then maybe the hearts will begin to mend and bring you closer together again.

 

[If Not For Grace]

this is where I feel selfish!!!! I am trying...it is so hard when everyone is disrespecting me...including him by not even acknowledging me. What is this teaching the children?

Honey I know u are hurting, but put on your thick skin cause:

Drinking, smoking, out of the country and no sex--but it's a good marriage--read your own post-that's roommates not a marriage.

He's already left you. You are not being selfish you are being selfless and if you keep it up you will wind up a big fat 0. Other people will not respect you unless you respect yourself. This man made vows to you and has a responsibility to his children. Set some boundaries--He has to do more than just "be" there.
But you must be ready--
Ready to suffer the consequences of any ultimatum you give.
Can you support yourself? If not Go to school, get a job or do what it takes to be self supporting cause
If he is not interested in saving the marriage nothing can be done. Even God gives us free will which includes making stupid mistakes.

He must be willing to talk--if not to you to someone else--but so for he has just been full of excuses, TV? Horsefeathers!, excuses. If you are tired of excuses take action.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting a different result. Nothing changes if you don't.

 

[TrueHope]

One of the problems is that we do communicate on a normal level, but on a personal level, he feels there is no need for counselors etc. In fact, he thinks they are all fakes. So there goes that idea.

It is like a roomie situation, and I have actually stated that out of pain on several occasions. With no response.

Here is the scoop. I am a foreigner in His country. There are things that need to be done before I can make any moves, which are a bit difficult to do. I do not ever plan on leaving him, it's not an option. We have gone through hell and back together....and I know he loves me, I am just tired of this behavior that I am dealing with.

He is working out of His country because the income here is pathetic, you cannot house and feed 5 on 1500.euro's a month. Which is the average income. (For a professional) and we rent....so him working here is not an option as he is a professional and very good at what he does. His problem is he spoils materially...which is LAST of my wants. And the kids suffer for this because they have gotten spoiled by him, and I don't do that. (making up for not being here....his father did the same thing)

I understand the sex issue, as I know he gets serious pains, and refuses medical care....for years now. He is very stubborn and does so many things backwards thinking HIS way is the only way. (Argh)

The houses here are small...even the big ones, unless there are doors blocking the hallway to the bedrooms, there is no privacy.

So
intimacy with teens and elementary age around is difficult. We have no babysitters...I am the babysitter. We have very little family here, who are far away, and no-one reliable for when he comes. We do go out alone, for dinners or coffees, but it's not considered a date. He says it is, but it's not. Maybe he tries, but forgot how...because I can't react so well anymore either. Maybe I don't know when he is trying. All I know is that I keep praying for him and my kids and I feel I am under complete attack. Like my voice doesn't matter at all anymore. And part of that attack is the lack of intimacy.

There could be signs of affair...but he could say the same about me...because I am here toughing it out alone. Everyone in the area knows he is away, gossip is full force here. And he married out of his culture. His family has been trying to break us up from the start.
And they love that I can't fully understand the language, and have to do it "Alone" here. And believe me, when we discuss this...He gets so angry at them.

I just can't understand this part.....are there any men reading this who can give me some insight? Maybe from His point of view. Is it stress, exhaustion? Travelling back and forth? My distance added with it all?

sorry...am rambling.

Thanks for all the responses!
God Bless you all!!!!

 

[IKTCA]

Since you are asking for men to say something, here I am. 1) Please tell me how old your husband is.
2) I don't think he loves you. To a man, loving is both physical and emotional. I cannot imagine a man who loves his wife refusing to lie in the same bed with wife. A healthy man refusing to lie with his wife just because he is tired? Even when wife wants to lie with him? Doesn't make sense.
3) You are suspicious of cheating. Do you know how much your husband makes and how much he brings home? Cheating costs money. Wife must know how much man makes. It is marriage 101.
4) Apparently, he feels obliged to support you and the children. That's good. I mean very good.

Rupert

 

[momofone]

3) You are suspicious of cheating. Do you know how much your husband makes and how much he brings home? Cheating costs money. Wife must know how much man makes. It is marriage 101.

This is so true!!!! One of the signs that my husband was cheating was that his paychecks weren't matching the hours he said he was working. He also tried to hide his income, how much he was making, and what he was spending. He made sure I had the money to pay they bills, but I had NO clue where the rest of the money was going! I'd see him with $1000 in his wallet, he'd give me the $400 I needed towards bills, and the next day he'd only have $120 left!!! I mean, where'd the other $480 go in one day!

Blessings and love,
Shell

 

[TrueHope]

Well, that is not a worry. As he brings it home, and I am in charge since he tends to be an overspender.

Well. Early this morning...4 a.m. to be exact, I approached him with what can I do to make him happy. His response shocked me. He said, I do make him happy. He feels he has ruined all our lives. We lived in the States. I am his 2nd marriage. His first marriage they had several houses, getting rents and had good money. (No kids) We have 3 kids. And we rent. He feels that he gave everything to his first wife, whom he didn't care half as much as he does for me and feels like a failure. He works out of the country to make good money. When he left for this last job, his father came down with brain cancer. And we have paid over 50% of the medical bills, and recently the funeral. When his father was notified of the cancer, my husband had stopped talking to him about 2 months before and moved us out of their area. (We were 10 min. walking distance) to over an hours drive away. He is extremely overwhelmed. (Which I knew...but he never talks)

He feels since we moved out of my country to his, that he knows how difficult it is for me, and knows the sacrifices etc. He thought he was going to give us a better life...and from the first year here, we went through so much, financially, family wise...(With his family as they are against him marrying out of his culture...they hated his first wife, but I am not Greek, so...I am worse...and I came with no dowry...where at least the "Monkey who bit her nails and smoked all day gave my son houses!") So he had to battle alot here...as did I. And now we rent a beautiful house, but it's not ours...and this is true...everytime we get money saved..something happens and we have to spend it....emergency. (Medical...things for his parents etc.)

He felt he came here with a family who would help support me, by helping me...with babysitting, emotionally, etc...and he got the exact opposite. And with MY reactions...as I got extremely depressed...not once, several times...he felt he failed me...so it appears the more I got depressed, the more he felt hopeless and it was he who thought I wanted out of the marriage, but felt trapped.

Interesting. It appears we both got depressed about the same things, and didn't explain anything to each other.

I think I had one of my prayers answered this morning. We shall see how it goes.

 

[momofone]

TrueHope,

His feelings that he let you down explain a lot! Taking the step to ask him may be just the thing you needed to do to get back on track!

Blessings and love,
Shell

 

[SabrinaFair]

Well, that is not a worry. As he brings it home, and I am in charge since he tends to be an overspender.

Well. Early this morning...4 a.m. to be exact, I approached him with what can I do to make him happy. His response shocked me. He said, I do make him happy. He feels he has ruined all our lives. We lived in the States. I am his 2nd marriage. His first marriage they had several houses, getting rents and had good money. (No kids) We have 3 kids. And we rent. He feels that he gave everything to his first wife, whom he didn't care half as much as he does for me and feels like a failure. He works out of the country to make good money. When he left for this last job, his father came down with brain cancer. And we have paid over 50% of the medical bills, and recently the funeral. When his father was notified of the cancer, my husband had stopped talking to him about 2 months before and moved us out of their area. (We were 10 min. walking distance) to over an hours drive away. He is extremely overwhelmed. (Which I knew...but he never talks)

He feels since we moved out of my country to his, that he knows how difficult it is for me, and knows the sacrifices etc. He thought he was going to give us a better life...and from the first year here, we went through so much, financially, family wise...(With his family as they are against him marrying out of his culture...they hated his first wife, but I am not Greek, so...I am worse...and I came with no dowry...where at least the "Monkey who bit her nails and smoked all day gave my son houses!") So he had to battle alot here...as did I. And now we rent a beautiful house, but it's not ours...and this is true...everytime we get money saved..something happens and we have to spend it....emergency. (Medical...things for his parents etc.)

He felt he came here with a family who would help support me, by helping me...with babysitting, emotionally, etc...and he got the exact opposite. And with MY reactions...as I got extremely depressed...not once, several times...he felt he failed me...so it appears the more I got depressed, the more he felt hopeless and it was he who thought I wanted out of the marriage, but felt trapped.

Interesting. It appears we both got depressed about the same things, and didn't explain anything to each other.

I think I had one of my prayers answered this morning. We shall see how it goes.

That is wonderful news! Sounds like some really good communication going on in that conversation and a lot of potentially healing revelations. Praise God!!

Praying God shows you both how you can use this breakthrough to heal you both and draw you closer than ever before.

 

[TrueHope]

Amen! I just hope he actually gets a little relaxed. He doesn't wind down easy! I deep praying!!!! Thanks for your support! It gave me that extra push I needed!!!! God Bless!!!!

 

[nowhereville]

Well to avoid being too graphic, check his underwear for signs of sexual activity. That's the one thing men never think to do - cover up their underwear. It's pretty obvious if there has been.

I learned WAY too much about my spouse that way.