Emotional Affair or friendship?

[Job 33:6]

I have a question for everyone, I'm seeking advice.

I am married. Happily married. For over 10 years. I love my wife dearly, I have 0 issues or concerns with our marriage. I'm very happily married. And I can't stress that enough.

I have a coworker, and she is single, younger than my wife (as these stories usually go), in social media terms, she could be said to be attractive. We already see where there may be trouble. From a purely objective observational discernment stance, this single, younger coworker.

This coworker has many life struggles. Poverty. Difficulty with their career growth. Difficulty in their own relationships. Family struggles in poverty, difficulty making friends because of their emotional trauma. Historically abusive family, one very sick and the other passed away parent.

There is a huge lists of challenges that this single woman, coworker, has in life.

So naturally, as a well-to-do and established, confident, older man, I sought to support this woman as a friend. Financial advice, being a friend to hear or to listen to those struggles. Physically I'm stronger so I could help with poverty related housing issues etc. just, trying to be a good friend. I did not initiate the relationship, but as most Christians do, we seek to help those who call for help.

But I soon realized that, I was emotionally and physically attracted to this coworker or at least in the beginning stages of seeing her differently than just a friend as I initially had. To my surprise it snuck up on me it seemed. As if our friendship grew.

So, I've taken steps to move backwards. Limiting communication. Limiting time around this coworker. And I feel much better now.

But a still have remaining questions. How can I be a friend, that can help others, if my emotions get in the way? There was no flirting. No inappropriate talks. No touching, or anything. And yet, something still felt inappropriate, my emotions. I could take 1,000 male coworkers out for lunch. And not in the slightest way feel out of place. But just this one woman, for some reason I can't even imagine doing the same out of concern that my emotions would grow.

Is it possible to support someone as a friend in a Godly way, if you had at any time in the past, felt attraction for that person, while in a faithful monogamous relationship?

Is it inappropriate that I even hold casual conversation in a supporting way, with this person, given my emotions? What if it's purely professional and in a public place?

And an even more specific question, and this one is unique. Is it inappropriate to do things such as, spending a half hour work-break, maybe just one or two times a month, in a public space, talking with this person? Such as over a lunch break-time? As a friend?

Or, is it impossible to really be a supportive friend at all to someone of the opposite gender, if there is emotional attraction?

What should I do? Do I cut off all communication and leave the coworker to her own devices in poverty and anguish to protect my own marriage? Or how do I walk this uncomfortable line of trying to be helpful, while also remaining distant? How close is too close? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

And what boundaries can I put in place to protect myself and my spouse?

 

[tampasteve]

My honest answer, as a man who is also married, but also would apply to non-married men - men and women can't be close friends. Friendly, sure. Surface level "friends" or acquaintances, sure. But not close intimate friends. It seems that one is always in reality desiring more than a friendship, or at minimum would let it go past being just friendship if the other would allow it, and for a married man that is very dangerous.

If you wish to be a supportive friend to a woman, your wife needs to be involved in the "relationship" with this person as well, or at bare minimum needs to be appraised that there is a friendship and able to view conversations with said friend. If you wish to keep it separate from your wife, well, there is your answer - it is inappropriate.

 

[sandman]

your wife needs to be involved in the "relationship"

Ditto ... 100%

 

[WolfGate]

Some men and women can be close friends and just friends, but there are also men and women who cannot be just close friends. Realizing that danger exists is key to making sure you move away if a friendship starts to become over attached. If someone feels like they could never slide into an emotional affair, the risk that they will goes up by orders of magnitude.

A spouse does need to be involved in the relationship, certainly at the level where you do not hide anything from them. If you find yourself resenting or not wanting your spouse to know the contents of emails, texts, voicemails, then you are already outside the guardrails. Other than very specific exceptions, such as seeking advice on a gift for your spouse, there should be no topic that you don't want your spouse to know about.

If any emotional attraction exists, you need to keep space. Casual conversation in group settings only, ideally with your spouse there. The good news is, despite that movies would have us believe people fall in love totally out of their control, you do have the ability to adjust and control emotional attraction. It may take quite a bit of time, and perhaps you'll never get there, but it is possible.

 

[WolfGate]

I have seen too many Godly men fail .... don't do it!

He asked a lot of questions. Which one is your "it" referring to?

 

[eleos1954]

I have a question for everyone, I'm seeking advice.

I am married. Happily married. For over 10 years. I love my wife dearly, I have 0 issues or concerns with our marriage. I'm very happily married. And I can't stress that enough.

I have a coworker, and she is single, younger than my wife (as these stories usually go), in social media terms, she would physically be considered more attractive than my wife by media standards of beauty. We already see where there may be trouble. From a purely objective observational discernment stance, this single, younger coworker, most would consider her to be physically attractive.

This coworker has many life struggles. Poverty. Difficulty with their career growth. Difficulty in their own relationships. Family struggles in poverty, difficulty making friends because of their emotional trauma. Historically abusive family, one very sick and the other passed away parent.

There is a huge lists of challenges that this single woman, coworker, has in life.

So naturally, as a well-to-do and established, confident, older man, I sought to support this woman as a friend. Financial advice, being a friend to hear or to listen to those struggles. Physically I'm stronger so I could help with poverty related housing issues etc. just, trying to be a good friend. I did not initiate the relationship, but as most Christians do, we seek to help those who call for help.

But I soon realized that, I was emotionally and physically attracted to this coworker or at least in the beginning stages of seeing her differently than just a friend as I initially had. To my surprise it snuck up on me it seemed. As if our friendship grew.

So, I've taken steps to move backwards. Limiting communication. Limiting time around this coworker. And I feel much better now.

But a still have remaining questions. How can I be a friend, that can help others, if my emotions get in the way? There was no flirting. No inappropriate talks. No touching, or anything. And yet, something still felt inappropriate, my emotions. I could take 1,000 male coworkers out for lunch. And not in the slightest way feel out of place. But just this one woman, for some reason I can't even imagine doing the same out of concern that my emotions would grow.

Is it possible to support someone as a friend in a Godly way, if you had at any time in the past, felt attraction for that person, while in a faithful monogamous relationship?

Is it inappropriate that I even hold casual conversation in a supporting way, with this person, given my emotions? What if it's purely professional and in a public place?

And an even more specific question, and this one is unique. Is it inappropriate to do things such as, spending a half hour work-break, maybe just one or two times a month, in a public space, talking with this person? Such as over a lunch break-time? As a friend?

Or, is it impossible to really be a supportive friend at all to someone of the opposite gender, if there is emotional attraction?

What should I do? Do I cut off all communication and leave the coworker to her own devices in poverty and anguish to protect my own marriage? Or how do I walk this uncomfortable line of trying to be helpful, while also remaining distant? How close is too close? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

And what boundaries can I put in place to protect myself and my spouse?

We are to avoid temptation ... you know the temptation is there ... is your wife aware of this temptation that occurred?

I would suggest you seek a female friend for her ... once a relationship becomes more than friends (emotional attraction) then best to walk
away from it (the temptation)

Men and woman can be friends without an emotional attachment .... but it also can turn into something else ... if it does then the best thing is to flee from it. I have serval male friends and do not have an emotional attachment to them ... and they have never done or said anything to make me think they do either. I did have one male friend that did .... and I broke that relationship/friendship .... he is a member of a group of my friends so am still around him somewhat ... but he is not a friend ... more so an acquaintance.

In marriage a true friend does not form an emotional attachment with another. In that regard you are not being a true friend to her.

Temptation ... always avoid it.

Avoid it, do not pass by it; turn away from it and pass on” (Proverbs 4:14–15). If you do find yourself in danger of sin, get out of there quickly! As a Christian, you are to “flee immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18) and to “flee from youthful lusts” (2 Timothy 2:22).

May the Lord give you the strength to flee from temptation always. Amen.

 

[mourningdove~]

From a woman (me!) who has worked with many men in her working career:

Find a way to remove yourself from this relationship while you still can.

I have seen this scenario play out in offices ...
and it never ends well.

The fact that you appear to be in turmoil over this situation tells me that you are already too emotionally involved with this woman.

These things often start out innocently, but turn into disaster.

As a married man, it is not your 'job' to fix this woman.

Given her background, this woman is naturally going to be attracted to a man of your stableness.
And she has nothing to lose, by getting involved with you.
But you? You stand to lose everything.

... I hope you don't.

 

[Job 33:6]

From a woman (me!) who has worked with many men in her working career:

Find a way to remove yourself from this relationship while you still can.

I have seen this scenario play out in offices ...
and it never ends well.

The fact that you appear to be in turmoil over this situation tells me that you are already too emotionally involved with this woman.

These things often start out innocently, but turn into disaster.

As a married man, it is not your 'job' to fix this woman.

Given her background, this woman is naturally going to be attracted to a man of your stableness.
And she has nothing to lose, by getting involved with you.
But you? You stand to lose everything.

... I hope you don't.

How might you recommend I remove myself from this "relationship"?

One concern that I have, is that if I walked away cold turkey, it would feel immoral (support is needed more than ever in challenging times). I would have a hard time doing such a thing, even with respect to male friends of mine. To simply cut someone off, completely and abruptly. Blocking cellphone numbers etc. Even if I could somehow manage that kind of pain, I would feel like a terrible person.

Are there ways to safely remove myself without it being abruptly devastating to my coworkers social support system?

I've setup more guard rails (lessening the number of interactions in a month), have added more space and become more distant. I've also spoken to my wife. My wife knows me better than I do and already knew my words before I spoke them, she knows that I'm attracted to this coworker. Am I really that easy to read? Thankfully she is forgiving and simply gave me a frank warning. She's trusting me to resolve the issue.

I should note that though I suspect that this coworker may be attracted to me as well, the coworker has been very respectful of my marriage, wife, and has shown no effort to undermine my marriage. I don't think I'm being naive here. The issue of attraction could very well be one sided and purely my own issue and nothing that the coworker has done.

I like the above ideas that involve keeping my wife consulted and aware. While also setting up guardrails to prevent any further escalation, and to continue to de-escalate in a way that is respectful to my coworker that my wife is comfortable with.

If everyone could hold me in their prayers, while I navigate this, I would be greatly thankful.
-John

 

[Oneofhope]

I have a question for everyone, I'm seeking advice.

I am married. Happily married. For over 10 years. I love my wife dearly, I have 0 issues or concerns with our marriage. I'm very happily married. And I can't stress that enough.

I have a coworker, and she is single, younger than my wife (as these stories usually go), in social media terms, she would physically be considered more attractive than my wife by media standards of beauty. We already see where there may be trouble. From a purely objective observational discernment stance, this single, younger coworker, most would consider her to be physically attractive.

This coworker has many life struggles. Poverty. Difficulty with their career growth. Difficulty in their own relationships. Family struggles in poverty, difficulty making friends because of their emotional trauma. Historically abusive family, one very sick and the other passed away parent.

There is a huge lists of challenges that this single woman, coworker, has in life.

So naturally, as a well-to-do and established, confident, older man, I sought to support this woman as a friend. Financial advice, being a friend to hear or to listen to those struggles. Physically I'm stronger so I could help with poverty related housing issues etc. just, trying to be a good friend. I did not initiate the relationship, but as most Christians do, we seek to help those who call for help.

But I soon realized that, I was emotionally and physically attracted to this coworker or at least in the beginning stages of seeing her differently than just a friend as I initially had. To my surprise it snuck up on me it seemed. As if our friendship grew.

So, I've taken steps to move backwards. Limiting communication. Limiting time around this coworker. And I feel much better now.

But a still have remaining questions. How can I be a friend, that can help others, if my emotions get in the way? There was no flirting. No inappropriate talks. No touching, or anything. And yet, something still felt inappropriate, my emotions. I could take 1,000 male coworkers out for lunch. And not in the slightest way feel out of place. But just this one woman, for some reason I can't even imagine doing the same out of concern that my emotions would grow.

Is it possible to support someone as a friend in a Godly way, if you had at any time in the past, felt attraction for that person, while in a faithful monogamous relationship?

Is it inappropriate that I even hold casual conversation in a supporting way, with this person, given my emotions? What if it's purely professional and in a public place?

And an even more specific question, and this one is unique. Is it inappropriate to do things such as, spending a half hour work-break, maybe just one or two times a month, in a public space, talking with this person? Such as over a lunch break-time? As a friend?

Or, is it impossible to really be a supportive friend at all to someone of the opposite gender, if there is emotional attraction?

What should I do? Do I cut off all communication and leave the coworker to her own devices in poverty and anguish to protect my own marriage? Or how do I walk this uncomfortable line of trying to be helpful, while also remaining distant? How close is too close? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

And what boundaries can I put in place to protect myself and my spouse?

Involve your wife. If you're unwilling to involve the advice of your wife, then it should become clear as to your true motives. Here's an idea, why don't you copy and paste your post to your wife and see what she says.

 

[The Righterzpen]

I've had a similar relationship to what you describe. Was friends with the pastor of the church I attended for many years. I literally saw him as the biological brother I "never" had. (I have a biological brother who's a pedophile - so... I don't actually have a biological brother.) Myself and this pastor spent many hour talking about theology.

And to my knowledge; neither had any interest whatsoever in the other person. Though I suspect there were issues in his marriage. There were certainly issues in mine. My husband had several affairs; left myself and his developmentally disabled son; and after 6 years of separation; he filed for divorce and than committed suicide after his girlfriend broke up with him. Messed up scenario; for sure. And this pastor did the sermon for his memorial service.

Now the issue, honestly wasn't with us; as much as it was with other people in the church. There was a certain elder (probably more than one) who looked at me as "the temptress" ROFLBO. I'm a very conservative dresser. Many people think I'm a Muslim. (The "temptress in a burka - yeah!)

And besides; peeps - he AINT Jesus! (Don't worry about it. The one I'm "tempted" to want is far above your pay grade!)



So besides theology; we also talked about history, wars and the military. (I'm a veteran and I've also done historical interpretation for the National Parks Service; so I know quite a bit about the 18th century.) I'd tell him about my latest findings of history or Bible study. Told him about things that have happened in my life. (I did clean up after Desert Storm; so had some war stories to share.) Also the effects of trauma. My own conversion story and how God's grace had profoundly changed my life. I did talk about the ramifications of sexual abuse on my perception of self; other survivors I've encountered and research studies I'd done for college course work on homosexuality and other topics related to trauma, war and childhood abuse. (I've read a LOT of research studies; as well as having done my own.)

He was aware of the issues I had with my husband. My husband, self and son were in a catastrophic car accident and I'm permanently physically disabled. I'm in a wheelchair and use crutches. This pastor and myself also talked about "hospital adventures" related to my son. My son has an unusual form of refractory epilepsy.

In the end, there were a lot of problems in this church. There was a click group of women (pastor's wife was kind of one of them) and I was one of the targets. But also so was one of the women I was friends with. (She has since died. She came down with an aggressive kidney cancer at the start of the pandemic.)

There were a lot of issues I think he tried to diplomatically intervene. (For what ever reason; the session would not agree to him baptizing my son at a mutual friend's house. She was a member of the church and so were several of her family.) My son knew her well, because she was his tutor when he was out on medical leave in 8th grade; and from 10th - 11th grade, I'd hired her as a homeschool tutor for him.

We left that church finally when they refused to give him communion after they wouldn't baptize him. Thus he was baptized in a hotel swimming pool at a Christian music festival; we'd regularly attend. The person who did the baptism was a fairly "run of the mill" evangelical baptist preacher. He'd received a baptismal certificate and the church we were attending accepted the baptism as "valid". The church session heard his testimony and decided he had a "credible profession of faith" but still wouldn't give him communion because he would not stand up in front of the entire church and formally join as an adult. (Which was not a requirement of the denomination either!) He was 16 at the time. Under the "authority" of my household; whom I was a formal member of this church. (It was an OPC church.) My son is currently developmentally maybe 13 to 14 years old. Chronologically, he's 21; almost 22.

So myself already being a member of that church and he's a permanently disabled dependent of mine; there was no reason he had to stand up in front of the entire church and join as an adult. For a church that believed in "covenant theology"; they didn't even follow their own denominational guidelines in this matter. And I'm sure I just made myself more of an advisory by pointing out their own hypocrisy to them. One other elder and the pastor basically agreed with me. But again, here is an example when churches don't discipline members of their own congregation for their sin of gossip, back biting and targeting people.

So we left. I maintained some degree of contact with the pastor for a little while. (I was still technically a member; through I was looking for another church.

But the thing that struck me as "man something is REALLY wrong here; is when my son finally got Medicare and we were headed to another state in search of the option of brain surgery to treat his epilepsy. I called the pastor; left a message. Told him were we were going. What we were looking at and asked him to pray for my son, myself and the doctors.

And NEVER heard back from him!

Frankly that just blew me away. If Mark had contacted Paul and asked: "Would you please pray for my kid; he's about to have surgery". I'm sure Paul would not have ignored him; despite the difficulties they had. I'm sure Paul would have said: "Of course I'll pray for your son."

So in relation to your circumstance? I WOULD NOT advocate for "cold turkey" cutting this person out of your life. (You're right; that would be immoral.) Absolutely bring your wife on board. Also, you could bring another colleague, or a church elder to be part of her life too. I would have been very happy if that had happened with this church; but it didn't. I was "spoiled goods"; no one wanted to "stand in the gap" and help me or my son; except this pastor and a few of the church members who are still my friends even today.

It was very sad; and to this day impacts my son. I've gone to several other churches; and he won't come, because he doesn't want to go through the pain of having to leave again. Despite the cognitive and developmental disabilities he has; he's got more faith than I had at his age!

So, I will definitely pray for you; but the best thing you can do is to bring other people into this woman's life to help her build a support network! After all; that's what the church is SUPPOSE to do!

 

[mourningdove~]

How might you recommend I remove myself from this "relationship"?

One concern that I have, is that if I walked away cold turkey, it would feel immoral (support is needed more than ever in challenging times). I would have a hard time doing such a thing, even with respect to male friends of mine. To simply cut someone off, completely and abruptly. Blocking cellphone numbers etc. Even if I could somehow manage that kind of pain, I would feel like a terrible person.

Are there ways to safely remove myself without it being abruptly devastating to my coworkers social support system?

If you are your coworkers sole 'support system', then I would agree ... you've gotten yourself into quite a bind.

If everyone could hold me in their prayers, while I navigate this, I would be greatly thankful.

I believe God will show you what to do.

 

[mourningdove~]

So, I will definitely pray for you; but the best thing you can do is to bring other people into this woman's life to help her build a support network!

A counsellor, pastor, Christian woman (or women) who can minister to her, etc. ...

 

[com7fy8]

If you are attracted to her, this can affect how you are relating with her. So, pray for God to change you so outward appearance and outward charm do not have power over you.

"I will not be brought under the power of any," our Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12.

And she possibly can tell, and we want to be good examples of how God has us love. Women have way too many men who do not know how to love them!!

God is no respecter of persons. And we need to be able to love like God does. I understand that God does not let outward appearance and outward charming affect how He sees and relates with each of us; so you need to change into how God has you loving people without outward attraction having power in it.

She is not the problem, then.

Possibly, various other people, men but also women these days, can have a similar problem with her. We don't want to kick her out of society because she's attractive, do we? Who knows how many others also could be imperfect like you?

But you can change so it's not a problem. But ease up, not being so close to her, I would say, while God is changing you and you are discovering how you can better love her and other women who are attractive. Then you can care better, including in prayer as your first response for attractive women and for others. Then you can be a better example for them, and minister to her in a more real way, deeper.

And yes definitely see if and how you can help her to share with Christian people who are good for you.

I am doing better with this, I would say. Today, I saw a woman searching aisles. I asked if she was looking for something and she was strikingly beautiful, I discovered after she turned to me. But I quickly checked signs and told her I did not know, instead of joining her in a longer search like attraction might have me doing.

But I can still spend too long gazing at and checking women, but I enjoy talking and sharing with various not so cute ones, giving them caring attention, and this feeds me to be this way with the attractive ones so looks don't get to me so much.

Praying helps. Prayer for correction, prayer of caring for each woman and man.

 

[Job 33:6]

I've had a similar relationship to what you describe. Was friends with the pastor of the church I attended for many years. I literally saw him as the biological brother I "never" had. (I have a biological brother who's a pedophile - so... I don't actually have a biological brother.) Myself and this pastor spent many hour talking about theology.

And to my knowledge; neither had any interest whatsoever in the other person. Though I suspect there were issues in his marriage. There were certainly issues in mine. My husband had several affairs; left myself and his developmentally disabled son; and after 6 years of separation; he filed for divorce and than committed suicide after his girlfriend broke up with him. Messed up scenario; for sure. And this pastor did the sermon for his memorial service.

Now the issue, honestly wasn't with us; as much as it was with other people in the church. There was a certain elder (probably more than one) who looked at me as "the temptress" ROFLBO. I'm a very conservative dresser. Many people think I'm a Muslim. (The "temptress in a burka - yeah!)

And besides; peeps - he AINT Jesus! (Don't worry about it. The one I'm "tempted" to want is far above your pay grade!)



So besides theology; we also talked about history, wars and the military. (I'm a veteran and I've also done historical interpretation for the National Parks Service; so I know quite a bit about the 18th century.) I'd tell him about my latest findings of history or Bible study. Told him about things that have happened in my life. (I did clean up after Desert Storm; so had some war stories to share.) Also the effects of trauma. My own conversion story and how God's grace had profoundly changed my life. I did talk about the ramifications of sexual abuse on my perception of self; other survivors I've encountered and research studies I'd done for college course work on homosexuality and other topics related to trauma, war and childhood abuse. (I've read a LOT of research studies; as well as having done my own.)

He was aware of the issues I had with my husband. My husband, self and son were in a catastrophic car accident and I'm permanently physically disabled. I'm in a wheelchair and use crutches. This pastor and myself also talked about "hospital adventures" related to my son. My son has an unusual form of refractory epilepsy.

In the end, there were a lot of problems in this church. There was a click group of women (pastor's wife was kind of one of them) and I was one of the targets. But also so was one of the women I was friends with. (She has since died. She came down with an aggressive kidney cancer at the start of the pandemic.)

There were a lot of issues I think he tried to diplomatically intervene. (For what ever reason; the session would not agree to him baptizing my son at a mutual friend's house. She was a member of the church and so were several of her family.) My son knew her well, because she was his tutor when he was out on medical leave in 8th grade; and from 10th - 11th grade, I'd hired her as a homeschool tutor for him.

We left that church finally when they refused to give him communion after they wouldn't baptize him. Thus he was baptized in a hotel swimming pool at a Christian music festival; we'd regularly attend. The person who did the baptism was a fairly "run of the mill" evangelical baptist preacher. He'd received a baptismal certificate and the church we were attending accepted the baptism as "valid". The church session heard his testimony and decided he had a "credible profession of faith" but still wouldn't give him communion because he would not stand up in front of the entire church and formally join as an adult. (Which was not a requirement of the denomination either!) He was 16 at the time. Under the "authority" of my household; whom I was a formal member of this church. (It was an OPC church.) My son is currently developmentally maybe 13 to 14 years old. Chronologically, he's 21; almost 22.

So myself already being a member of that church and he's a permanently disabled dependent of mine; there was no reason he had to stand up in front of the entire church and join as an adult. For a church that believed in "covenant theology"; they didn't even follow their own denominational guidelines in this matter. And I'm sure I just made myself more of an advisory by pointing out their own hypocrisy to them. One other elder and the pastor basically agreed with me. But again, here is an example when churches don't discipline members of their own congregation for their sin of gossip, back biting and targeting people.

So we left. I maintained some degree of contact with the pastor for a little while. (I was still technically a member; through I was looking for another church.

But the thing that struck me as "man something is REALLY wrong here; is when my son finally got Medicare and we were headed to another state in search of the option of brain surgery to treat his epilepsy. I called the pastor; left a message. Told him were we were going. What we were looking at and asked him to pray for my son, myself and the doctors.

And NEVER heard back from him!

Frankly that just blew me away. If Mark had contacted Paul and asked: "Would you please pray for my kid; he's about to have surgery". I'm sure Paul would not have ignored him; despite the difficulties they had. I'm sure Paul would have said: "Of course I'll pray for your son."

So in relation to your circumstance? I WOULD NOT advocate for "cold turkey" cutting this person out of your life. (You're right; that would be immoral.) Absolutely bring your wife on board. Also, you could bring another colleague, or a church elder to be part of her life too. I would have been very happy if that had happened with this church; but it didn't. I was "spoiled goods"; no one wanted to "stand in the gap" and help me or my son; except this pastor and a few of the church members who are still my friends even today.

It was very sad; and to this day impacts my son. I've gone to several other churches; and he won't come, because he doesn't want to go through the pain of having to leave again. Despite the cognitive and developmental disabilities he has; he's got more faith than I had at his age!

So, I will definitely pray for you; but the best thing you can do is to bring other people into this woman's life to help her build a support network! After all; that's what the church is SUPPOSE to do!

Thank you. That's part of the problem too. Church community could collectively help 100x what I could. In every capacity. But unfortunately she seems to be concerned about things like the problem of evil and issues related to patriarchy in local church circles. The social structure in conservative circles appears to have given a bad church impression and thus, though she professes to believe, she is not of any church community. I have been trying this angle regularly.

For me, it seems like an obvious solution. But for some, who may have had not the best past experiences, it doesn't seem clear to them.

 

[Job 33:6]

A counsellor, pastor, Christian woman (or women) who can minister to her, etc. ...

I'll try this again.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

How might you recommend I remove myself from this "relationship"?

One concern that I have, is that if I walked away cold turkey, it would feel immoral (support is needed more than ever in challenging times). I would have a hard time doing such a thing, even with respect to male friends of mine. To simply cut someone off, completely and abruptly. Blocking cellphone numbers etc. Even if I could somehow manage that kind of pain, I would feel like a terrible person.

Are there ways to safely remove myself without it being abruptly devastating to my coworkers social support system?

I've setup more guard rails (lessening the number of interactions in a month), have added more space and become more distant. I've also spoken to my wife. My wife knows me better than I do and already knew my words before I spoke them, she knows that I'm attracted to this coworker. Am I really that easy to read? Thankfully she is forgiving and simply gave me a frank warning. She's trusting me to resolve the issue.

I should note that though I suspect that this coworker may be attracted to me as well, the coworker has been very respectful of my marriage, wife, and has shown no effort to undermine my marriage. I don't think I'm being naive here. The issue of attraction could very well be one sided and purely my own issue and nothing that the coworker has done.

I like the above ideas that involve keeping my wife consulted and aware. While also setting up guardrails to prevent any further escalation, and to continue to de-escalate in a way that is respectful to my coworker that my wife is comfortable with.

If everyone could hold me in their prayers, while I navigate this, I would be greatly thankful.
-John

Either you are in denial or you subconsciously don’t know yourself and have bad self-awareness get her some help from Godly women you know and distance yourself from her you are walking into adultery and don’t even realise it. The fact that your attracted to this woman and emotionally growing with this woman is a bad sign already( The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak ) if you don’t keep your distance you gonna find yourself in a situation you regret.

 

[The Righterzpen]

Thank you. That's part of the problem too. Church community could collectively help 100x what I could. In every capacity. But unfortunately she seems to be concerned about things like the problem of evil and issues related to patriarchy in local church circles. The social structure in conservative circles appears to have given a bad church impression and thus, though she professes to believe, she is not of any church community. I have been trying this angle regularly.

For me, it seems like an obvious solution. But for some, who may have had not the best past experiences, it doesn't seem clear to them.

That's a real hard thing (and very valid thing too) for many of us. If "the church" as an active community within the larger society; was doing what it was suppose to be doing; this kind of thing would be less of an issue. Even as an actively seeking person who's put themselves out there. How many churches have I been to; trying to find a place that I felt... welcome?

I'm a 52 year old widow with a developmentally disabled adult son who I'm pretty well grounded in Scripture and love to yack about theology. I'm not looking for a husband. I personally don't really want to get married again. I'm very independent and have a wide variety of skills. I was a heavy equipment operator in the military and I think I've helped Habitat for Humanity build about 6 houses at this point. I'm a home owner in a rural small town / working class / primarily immigrant neighborhood. We have a good income. I'm 100% service connected disabled veteran and my son gets SSDI on his dad's record. We're financially stable.

You'd think all of those wouldn't be a problem in a church; but for what ever weird reason it seems to be.... with me? Particularly with the theology aspect. I guess I'm not supposed to know so much? I could probably teach theology on a college level; but "patriarchy" has its issues with women like me too. Yet most churches who are more toward the egalitarian position; don't hold the same doctrinal positions I do either. So what does God do with someone like me who's a "church community outlier" in so many ways.

I've been to probably a dozen churches in the past 30 years. But I have pretty specific doctrinal specifications in my "deal breakers"; which has narrowed the list of potential candidate churches pretty significantly. (The church needs to be Calvinistic / doctrines of grace as far as their understanding of redemption and firm cessationist.) That's been pretty hard to find without people falling off on the side of legalism and running into pastors who are "lone wolf / "lord over the flock" type of personalities. I've already "been there / done that / got the T-shirt to prove it."

Thus I've also looked at secular support options. I've gotten to know my neighbors. My son is part of a martial arts dojo. I've gotten to be good friends with the senseis over there. Also, the last couple of months I've been in a program for social support / mental health support for veterans through the VA. I'm a National Parks volunteer; so I got friends through the fort. I have friends through Habitat. And people I've collected as friends and "colleagues" of sort across the breadth of volunteerism and the "work" world.

My other support outlet is the Internet. That's where I've found most of what I'd call my "intellectual / academic friend group". And not all of them are Christians either. Although some of them I think are "closet Christians". LOL. But they are a group of people who are able to discuss a variety of subjects (religious, political, social within a moral framework) without "getting offended". (Those types of people are hard to find these days too.)

But what I've listed here too are other options for this woman to build a support network. Which is hard. It takes energy and the willingness to "put yourself out there". My one friend is in a Rotary club and has been a library volunteer. Another option I've heard (which is a good idea) if one needs food resources; is to volunteer at food bank. One thing I'd noticed at points when I needed donated food; was that people who use these services regularly, tend to not want the organic / high nutrition value food. And as someone "on the inside" of some of these community service groups. I'd take that stuff home. (Because that's the kind of food we eat.)

So yeah, you'd stated that for her "poverty" is an issue. But there's lots of ways around poverty. Resources are out there; but you have to look for them and develop some community connections to "find" them. You can get some good "inside scoops" being members of community service organizations.

So there's some other suggestions. Does she do Internet groups? Is she on "social media" sites like this one? Not all social media is bad. You can find some solid people. My son has done the same thing. A lot of friends (his own age) who've helped him through some really difficult things; he's met on the Internet.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

Thank you. That's part of the problem too. Church community could collectively help 100x what I could. In every capacity. But unfortunately she seems to be concerned about things like the problem of evil and issues related to patriarchy in local church circles. The social structure in conservative circles appears to have given a bad church impression and thus, though she professes to believe, she is not of any church community. I have been trying this angle regularly.

For me, it seems like an obvious solution. But for some, who may have had not the best past experiences, it doesn't seem clear to them.

Well unfortunately that’s her problem direct her to a good Godly church you know or could find. She’s probably playing around saying that too so she can keep you around she most likely wants you. You gotta protect yourself at this point because your going down a bad direction.

 

[mourningdove~]

But what I've listed here too are other options for this woman to build a support network. Which is hard. It takes energy and the willingness to "put yourself out there".

You continue to offer some good suggestions.
However, it's appearing more and more to me like this woman does not want to help herself.

Consciously or not, I think this woman is looking for someone to save her ... to 'rescue' her .... from her problems.

... And it does not appear the 'hero' she is looking for is Jesus, or else she would at least be willing to address her issues in a godly way.

Leaning on another woman's husband is not the godly way.

 

[Oneofhope]

This is all very simple. The OP has come here to admit his guilt, which is something that I do not understand. We all know what Jesus Himself said:

Matthew 5:28 NKJV - 28 "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

The OP will admit this sin to us, but he will not admit it to his wife.

To the OP - You are not only playing with personal fire, but you are also planting these ideas into the minds of others and that shouldn't be. You need to keep this to yourself and discontinue the idea that you can somehow justify the continuance of this evil circumstance in your mind.

Stop all of this . . . today. Be a good example to the children around you, for if you have children of your own, you need to be the adult that you want your children to become.