Are there any women/men out there who stay with their partner no matter what?

[jacquidube]

I dont want to be a doormat to anyone but are there any man or woman that stays in their marriage no matter what?

I believe I am one of those people. My husband has hurt me in so many ways through unfaithfulness, neglect, physical abuse and playing mind games, just messing my head up.

Can a marriage work if you believe it can. Does God really want a marriage to work no matter what.
I find it difficult to be intimate with my husband because of his behaviour and how he has treated me over the past 8 years of marriage.
He has contacted so many women at the beginning of our marriage and for 2 years after. Im not sure how many women he has met or even slept with. He beat me for 4 years of our marriage but doesnt anymore. He never takes me out but he goes out with friends from work and rugby.
I just feel absolutely worthless. I dont understand why Im with him to be honest.
I do love him but when we are intimate I cant touch him. I dont know why and i cant explain the reason why to him. He says that he wants me to touch him and kiss him but I always shy away from him. Is it because of what he has done to me? Would you find it difficult? We have sex every 3 weeks or so and I only enjoy it because of the frequency. He cant understand why I wont kiss him or touch him and so he said that he doesnt want to have sex with me again. Im not too bothered if he doesnt really but I still love him. What is it thats holding me back, is it fear he may hurt me again?
He says I have a problem and that I should forgive him for his wrongdoing. He said love should allow everything into the marriage, meaning if he does something wrong then the love we have should overcome that but it shouldnt give him a licence to do whatever he wants because he thinks because I love him then I should forgive him. He says I am jealous because he checks out other women when we go shopping on rare occasions and I tell him not to do it when I am with him. Its just embaressing on my part and it hurts.
I believe in marriage so much. I dispise men or women who destroy their own marriage because they cant keep their hands to themselves and this pain hurts other people in the family such as the children. I am strongly against it and it makes me very unhappy. As far as I am concerned he has destroyed our marriage yet I stand by him and because he knows I stand by him he turns the other cheek and carrys on with his life. I feel so neglected. I am so fearful of him hurting me again and thats why I think I cant be intimate with him.
I stay with him because marriage is so important to God. Do I just live this way and try and make the most of it even if the pain is unbearable?
If my marriages works then everything else will work. If he made space for me in his life then again things may change. I may want him in the bedroom if he shows an interest in me.

Do you know of anyone that has stayed in a marriage through thick and thin?

Many Thanks guys.

 

[GuidanceNeeded]

Good morning Jacquid

I am definitely one that can relate to your situation; the only difference between your situation and mine, is I don't love my husband.. I have the same issues with my husband. I know he has been unfaithful to me, with how many I have no clue.

Our sex life started to dwindle over 9 years ago. We stopped having sex almost 3 years ago. I just couldn't do it anymore. Every time we had sex I felt dirty and literally sick to my stomach.

I stay for several reasons, one out of obligation; I go back and forth with what God would want me to do. But mostly I stay for my girls and our financial situation. I always say I am just doing my time.

Unfortunately some men are just totally oblivious to what it does to a woman when trust is lost.

I am still working on forgiving my husband but I will never forget. It's funny because over Christmas break I was considering working things out (I kept this to myself). He was off for 2 weeks and he was like a totally different person (almost like when we first met). Well upon his return to work he is back to texting his "girl" friend ROFL. Some men just never change.

So as far as advice on what to do, I truly have none. But I wanted to let you know you are so not alone.

God Bless
Melissa

 

[joy2daworld]

I have been with my husband for 21 years now. The first 17 were horrible. My husband had an affair with a mutual friend of ours while I was pregnant. His controlling behaviors, his verbal, emotion, and physical abuse tore our marriage apart. But I knew deep down inside he didn't want to be that way. He had learned those behaviors from his alcoholic father, watching how he treated my husband's mother and step mother. Many times I said to myself that I needed to change things, whether that be by leaving or by helping him see the damage he was causing himself and our children. To this day, I'm not sure my 18 yr old daughter will have healthy relationships with boys/men. She has seen too much of what went on with her own parents.

But I'm still here because I love my husband, I believe in marriage as being "til death do us part", and my husband had a willingness to stay and make things right. As long as you allow him to treat you this way, he is only going to continue. No child of God should be made to feel worthless. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD!!! Yes, marriage should be a forever union, but, read Matt. 19:8-9. It says, 8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." He has been and is being unfaithful to you. And if he does not recognize this as a sin, you have God's permission to step out of the marriage.

Please think about this. I have been in your shoes and I know exactly how you feel. I didn't want to be intimate with my husband either, but sometimes, there was no choice. He wasn't going to someone else to have that need met, so the arguments and fights ensued until I gave in. For many years I felt like a piece of worthless trash. But I told him how I felt and what I thought caused it. It took a lot of time, a lot of soul searching, and a lot of marriage counseling with a Christian counselor, but I'm learning to be intimate again. It's been a long road. My husband made his turn around in the 17th year of marriage but it wasn't until almost the 19th year that I was able to say I truly wasn't waiting for the other shoe to fall and I was content to be with my "new" husband". I still have intimacy issues. I often don't have any desire to be with him. But we do touch each other and I enjoy kissing him again. I'm no longer afraid of him and his behaviors don't send me running the other direction.

Please, please think about the relationship as a whole. God tells you that you may divorce for marital unfaithfulness and abandonment. He also tells you just what love is. Read Cor. 13 If your husband does not fit this description, I doubt he loves you as he says. I will be praying for you. Your relationship is not healthy and needs some serious attention. Don't let it remain in this state.

 

[jacquidube]

Good morning Jacquid

I am definitely one that can relate to your situation; the only difference between your situation and mine, is I don't love my husband.. I have the same issues with my husband. I know he has been unfaithful to me, with how many I have no clue.

Our sex life started to dwindle over 9 years ago. We stopped having sex almost 3 years ago. I just couldn't do it anymore. Every time we had sex I felt dirty and literally sick to my stomach.

I stay for several reasons, one out of obligation; I go back and forth with what God would want me to do. But mostly I stay for my girls and our financial situation. I always say I am just doing my time.

Unfortunately some men are just totally oblivious to what it does to a woman when trust is lost.

I am still working on forgiving my husband but I will never forget. It's funny because over Christmas break I was considering working things out (I kept this to myself). He was off for 2 weeks and he was like a totally different person (almost like when we first met). Well upon his return to work he is back to texting his "girl" friend ROFL. Some men just never change.

So as far as advice on what to do, I truly have none. But I wanted to let you know you are so not alone.

God Bless
Melissa

Hello and thankyou so much for your reply. Even though I love my husband I feel like you when we try to have sex also. I feel sick to the stomach. I stay because of financial issues too, without him I tell myself I wouldnt cope with less money but you know deep inside I know I will. I also feel like I am doing 'time' of which I tell myself I deserve. Why do I deserve it? because my husband tells me so? It all sounds so pathetic. How are we to enjoy our lives the way God intended if all we can do is live for someone else. I feel my whole life evolves around my husbands needs, not mine, his. I could cry knowing he allows this an dknowing many women are going through this. Im just too weak, feeling worthless and that nobody will want me but thats just me telling myself that. Go tells me different. We all have freewill and we have to use that freewill wisely. Im hurting my children through all this, especially my youngest who feels its ok to kick me when her dads around because she has seen him do that to me.
I also have no trust hun. Why do we do this to ourselves?
My husband walks round with a smug look on his face all the time, thinks all the women fancy him and thinks the world owes just him something.
We do have sex but half the time I want him to get it done quickly. He said I am like a sack of potatoes just lying there. He said many times he has wanted to walk away from the marriage but why hasnt he, I have never stopped him and I wouldnt.
I have to admit, I am afraid. Afraid of him, afraid of being on my own, afraid of having to scrimp and save when i know i cant. I am even afraid he may meet someone else and be happy with her and treat her how he should of treated me.
What has he done to me. I used to be the life and soul of any party now I am even afraid to speak up for myself. I cant keep a job because I have been made to feel useless. I look at my body and I hate it because he has wanted other women who dont look like me. Women who have large boobs and big butts, I am small and petite and athletic but its not good enough for my husband whom he says 'God put us together' Im questioning if He did.
I feel really sorry for what you are going through. I have had moments where my husband was wonderful to me for a week like when we first met but then i find out he is talking to another women, talking sweet nothings to her on his phone like he used to do to me. How do you really cope with this? I get angry with myself because I havent the courage to tell him to leave me.

 

[overit]

Oh dear heavens jaqui you are STILL with this vile man???? What will it take??? DO you think you're benefiting your children in some way by being a martyr??? Guess what when men abuse their wives you wont' WANT to be intimate with them....probably ever...it will always be a battle.

There's an important component here that people who are so "till deat do me part" seem to forget...the INSTITUTION of marriage is NOT-I repeat, is NOT more important then the two individuals that MAKE the marriage.

God values the INDIVIDUALS life, sanity, safety MORE then the INSTITUTION of marriage. Sit on that for some time...Marriage is NOT the perfect state to be achieved and preserved at ALL costs at the detriment of your sanity, safety and emotional well being for you and your kids.

YOU, your CHILDREN are MORE IMPORTANT then your marriage.

 

[GuidanceNeeded]

Hello and thankyou so much for your reply. Even though I love my husband I feel like you when we try to have sex also. I feel sick to the stomach. I stay because of financial issues too, without him I tell myself I wouldnt cope with less money but you know deep inside I know I will. I also feel like I am doing 'time' of which I tell myself I deserve. Why do I deserve it? because my husband tells me so? It all sounds so pathetic. How are we to enjoy our lives the way God intended if all we can do is live for someone else.

It was because of that sick feeling I had to stop having sex. I just couldn't put myself through it anymore.

It's funny because not only do I look at my money situation, but I also look at his. I have written down (probably a million times) our bills separately and not only can't I afford to live on my own (with 2 girls) but either can he (alone). Some days I do worry about him being able to take care of himself, other days I could care less if he lived in a cardboard box.

I don't enjoy my days very much or life. When I am at home and my girls are at school, I sleep A LOT! I feel I am sleeping my life away just so I don't have to deal with or think about anything. I find sleep very peaceful.

I still struggle with feeling of "I deserve this". Hmmmm maybe I do. Although I hate the saying, it's something along the lines of "you made your bed, now you must lay in it". So many times I have thought, maybe if I had been a different person.

I know the feeling of feeling pathetic, but hearing this come from someone else, it's not being pathetic, I think it's more like being lost. We are lost. It's living between a rock and a hard spot. And I don't think this is how God intended for His children to live.

I feel my whole life evolves around my husbands needs, not mine, his. I could cry knowing he allows this an dknowing many women are going through this. Im just too weak, feeling worthless and that nobody will want me but thats just me telling myself that. Go tells me different. We all have freewill and we have to use that freewill wisely. Im hurting my children through all this, especially my youngest who feels its ok to kick me when her dads around because she has seen him do that to me.

My life now evolves around my children. They are truly my whole world. I don't ask my husband for anything and I don't offer anything in return. If I want something done I do it myself (it gets done right and a lot more quicker that way anyways LOL).

I am so sorry your youngest feels that way. But that is something I would try to nip in the bud real quick. We need to teach them as much as we deserve respect, so do others.

My daughters are 14 and 16; unfortunately they have seen way to much as well. Several years ago, both of my daughters had asked, "Why don't you just leave him?" I haven't hid anything from them as far as our marriage goes. They both know we are only together for financial purposes. I don't or didn't want them to be blindsided if I had ever got up the nerve to actually leave. Maybe I was wrong, but I feel I did the right thing.

My oldest is most sympathetic, but this is because she has seen and has heard him on the phone with someone. But even before she heard anything. My worse fear is they too will never trust anyone. I'm not sure how to stop the pattern or even if you can.

I started a diary the other day and it's funny you say you are just to weak. I just asked myself (or I guess my diary ) "when did I become so weak?". I have always thought of myself of a strong person. But lately I felt more alone than ever and I hate the feeling.

I also have no trust hun. Why do we do this to ourselves?
My husband walks round with a smug look on his face all the time, thinks all the women fancy him and thinks the world owes just him something.
We do have sex but half the time I want him to get it done quickly. He said I am like a sack of potatoes just lying there. He said many times he has wanted to walk away from the marriage but why hasnt he, I have never stopped him and I wouldnt.

I have always had an issue with trust and I told my husband this when we met. He promised me he would never do anything to hurt me, I believed him. I had more trust in him than I think I have ever had in anyone. Well now I absolutely, positively have no trust for anyone. I don't think I ever will.

My husband doesn't have the smug look. He is more like the quiet innocent man that does nothing wrong, which makes me so very nauseous.

I'm sure my husband thought that of me as well (sack of potatoes). How do you become intimate with someone that you have no trust for? When having sex, I could never stop thinking "who is he thinking about", so thats what I thought about for the entire 2 minutes.

Why don't they leave? Thats a good question. My answer (at least for my husband) is that he would actually have to grow up and take on some responsibility (i.e. paying bills, cleaning the house, cooking, shopping). So I think he stays out of pure laziness. The man is actually having his cake and eating it too. No place like home, huh?

I have to admit, I am afraid. Afraid of him, afraid of being on my own, afraid of having to scrimp and save when i know i cant. I am even afraid he may meet someone else and be happy with her and treat her how he should of treated me.

I am so very sorry you are afraid of him. That is one thing I am not, is afraid of him. I have held my own with him in the past, not that he had beat me, but we have been in some physical altercations in the past.

I too am afraid to be on my own. I will not let my girls girls suffer my mistake. They will not grow up how I had to grow up. I just refuse to that to them.

That is one thing that does hurt. Thinking of him treating someone else the way I should have been treated.

What has he done to me. I used to be the life and soul of any party now I am even afraid to speak up for myself. I cant keep a job because I have been made to feel useless. I look at my body and I hate it because he has wanted other women who dont look like me. Women who have large boobs and big butts, I am small and petite and athletic but its not good enough for my husband whom he says 'God put us together' Im questioning if He did.

This I believe is a common thing with wives who have cheating spouses. What if I looked like her? Would he still want me instead of her? I honestly think they would still go after the other one they are flirting with. I think its more of a thrill seeking act. With affairs they don't have to worry about commitment (well my answer to that is, Well then why the hell did the man get married then?). Affairs they get what they want then leave. I guess, I don't know.

I feel really sorry for what you are going through. I have had moments where my husband was wonderful to me for a week like when we first met but then i find out he is talking to another women, talking sweet nothings to her on his phone like he used to do to me. How do you really cope with this? I get angry with myself because I havent the courage to tell him to leave me.

You know the thing that bothers me the most? The least he could be is consistent LOL. Honestly, we have a very civil relationship. But the 2 weeks he was off, he was just extremely nice (helped clean up, did laundry, dishes, ask if I wanted a drink, etc) So what was with the nice act? I mean we hadn't had sex in almost 3 years so he definitely wasn't going to get any (from me at least) so it just threw me. Then I started thinking well maybe he is trying to change, shame on my for not giving him the benefit of the doubt ROFL, yeah shame on me for thinking, period!

So where to go and what to do? I so wish there was an easy answer. I honestly just live one dat at a time and pray a lot. I guess I am just waiting for God to guide me as to where to go.

 

[moonkitty]

My husband walks round with a smug look on his face all the time, thinks all the women fancy him and thinks the world owes just him something.
We do have sex but half the time I want him to get it done quickly. He said I am like a sack of potatoes just lying there. He said many times he has wanted to walk away from the marriage but why hasnt he, I have never stopped him and I wouldnt.

Well I can tell you why he hasn't walked away--why should he? Very few other women would have his sorry butt and he knows it. He has it pretty darn good, he has you so far beat down that you don't know which way is up.

 

[daughterofzion]

Have you considered instead of just breaking it off - leaving maybe to a shelter or family etc? I know this seems extremely scary and so many things can come up from to keep us from changing/stepping out. Fear namely!

If he still shows no real interest or care to change ( if you do decide to separate make clear and know yourself what you expect from him before youll even consider returning) after you leave - than it may be time to consider/pray about divorce.

You are not bound to a lifetime of pain and being treated as if you were nothing.

Does he respond to anything you do for him? Whatever his needs may be - sex, a special note/cards, special dinner, gifts - anything etc?



I assume this is something youve attempted to communicate to him about multiple times?



(sorry if i missed something in a prior post)

 

[sdmsanjose]

Jacquitdube

From what you wrote you only have two choices. Stay with this guy and have your life go down even more, if that is possible, or get a plan and stay with it until you are strong enough to start getting a much better life.

I know the women on here will do a very good job of giving you a woman’s point of view and that is needed. I am a man and this is how I see your situation:

You have been beaten down so badly that you need help to get up. I am not just talking about a counselor; I am talking about getting someone, a friend, a family member, a church sister, someone that will help you daily if needed to form a plan and stay with it.

The Plan

I don’t know all the details of your life so I am going to list a few things that I think should be in your plan.

First
Like your Christian sisters did on this thread you need to have constant reinforcement of the valuable person that you are. Find somebody (Woman) in your area that you can see touch, feel, etc. I want to add before I go on that you are to be admired for taking such abuse and not turning bitter and hateful. There is a lot more you are to be admired for but I want to continue with a suggested plan.

Second
Be DILIGENT about pursuing your plan and NEVER give up. There will be times that you think you cannot go on. That is where your support comes in; you may have to just live off their hope and encouragement for a while.

Third
You need to realize that your fear about making it on your own is a phantom fear. Of course you have to get ready and plan but you live in America and you are a child of God. You have the most powerful entity in the universe that cares about you and has made you some promises about your basic needs. Your country, America, is probably the best country to be in considering your position.

There are people on this forum that can elaborate on God’s promises better than I can so I will talk a little about the women in your position that I have seen for years. I am somewhat of a social worker and I have seen women for 39 years that have more children than you, have been beaten down by their men, cannot even speak the language of English, and have no working skills and no education. I have seen them OVERCOME!

There is one woman in particular that her husband beat her, was a drug user, was in prison, and then exported out of the country. She has three children and had to go on welfare, food stamps, state health Insurance for the poor, and was diligent and patient enough to get Federal housing assistance. After 7 years she is now the social director for Salvation Army, her oldest daughters are in college and one just came back from a mission to South Africa and the boy is still in Junior high school. Was it hard? YOU BET! But she is no longer being stepped on and is a MUCH happier woman. I have known this woman since she was an elementary school girl. One other thing that I will add about her she is a person that will diligently seek our help and has perseverance.

I hesitate to say some of these things because you are such a wounded soul but I will try to be gentle. YOU ARE VERY WEAK because of the treatment you have endured. PLEASE believe these women that say that you are valuable and are loved by God! Furthermore, get a person(s) that can hold you and build you up until you are strong again.

Do not think that you cannot get a LOT better. If you want I will give you a real life example of a woman that had it rougher than you and with God, help from others, and her efforts she became such a JOYFUL person from age 34 to her death at age 90. I am not talking theory I am talking about my grandmother who could not speak English and had to raise 5 children in the depression of the 1930s with NO SOCIAL services. My grandfather was an alcoholic that ran to another country because he was wanted for attempted murder.

Get a plan that will take at least lots of months or years, build your self up with God and other Christian sisters, persevere, be diligent, hold on when you have to and never give up. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REMAIN IN FEAR AND DEPRESSION!

Your ONLY concern right now is for you and your children! Do not deviate from working on you and your children because your children only have you and God, but that is enough!

Stan

 

[overit]

Stan...as a survivor myself-I have to say your post was beautiful, insightful, full of mercy and grace, wisdom, support, encouragement and very spot on.

I think God just used you

Jaqui...as a poster here of years I can't TELL you how heavy on my heart you have been. PLEASE take this advice-you WILL need help.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Jacqui~

I'm going to say to you the same thing I said to Bubbles in the personal topics area. Thank you for taking the time to try to find out the right thing to do. I think it shows some courage to come on and let other people know what's going on in the privacy of your home, and it helps us a lot to be able to give you a wiser reply to your question. Just to summarize, you are married to your husband but throughout all the years of your marriage, he has broken the marriage vows repeatedly by contacting and having at least emotional relationships with other women. In the past he has physically abused you. You are a Christian, and you don't say if your husband "claims" to be a christian although you do mention that he says G*d would forgive him, and that love would allow all things in a marriage (BALONEY! ). There are actions he does that you've described here that really hurt you, so that you are afraid and find it difficult to have sex with him. You feel worthless, neglected and sick to your stomach at the thought of touching him. And you're wondering if the bible says you should stay with him through thick and thin, or if you should separate from him--maybe even divorce him. Have I pretty much gotten the situation?

The very first thing I would point out to you is that as a beloved daughter of the most high G*d, that He LOVES you and wants you to guard yourself and protect yourself.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Luke 12:7
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Psalm 37:28
For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;
2 Thessalonians 3:2-3
And pray that we may be delivered from wicked and evil men, for not everyone has faith. But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.

So see? In both the Old and New Testament, over and over, G*d tells us that we are precious to Him, valuable, and He wants us to protect ourselves and be safe. He also makes it pretty clear that He HATES violence. One of the most often quoted verses about divorce is funny because people quote "part one" and entirely forget "part two." Look what the whole verse says:

Malachi 2:16
"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself (and his household) with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."

I do realize that you have hope that some day your partner might come to his senses, stop treating you the way he treats you, and become a godly Christian Believer. I think that's wonderful that you care for him that much. But can you see that as much as G*d loves him, He also loves YOU and wants you to be safe and at peace?

When I go over what you posted, I realize that is your version (and his may be different), but from what you wrote he scares you, puts you down, forces you to have sex, threatens you, threatens the children, blames you, uses your beliefs against you, and minimizes your opinions and thoughts. Now politely I ask--does that sound even close to "loving" to you? Does someone who loves you treat you in a way that scares you? How about blaming you for their bad behavior or calling you names? Don't you think that maybe someone who loved you would lift you up and encourage you rather than put you down? Finally just one last question to kind of think about--does he treat his boss at work this way or his friends this way? If he answer is "no" then that means that he CAN control it around certain people--he just chooses to treat you that way! Doesn't that blow your mind?

Based on the fact that you are a Christian and he is may not be (due to the way he acts); based on the fact that G*d finds you valuable and wants you to protect yourself; based on the fact that G*d hates violence--I would definitely suggest that leaving the situation to protect yourself is a wise idea. You don't need to divorce him immediately. In fact, I'd suggest that you just live apart, stay single, and pray for him while caring for yourself. It's a noble thing to have hope for someone and hope they will be saved and come to G*d. However, just so you know, he will most likely try every trick in the book to get you to move back (from crying to saying he's trying to threatening you). Please be patient and here's what it looks like when he's serious:

1) he will admit on his own that he has a problem (he might say "an issue with anger" or something like that but he says it on his own). NOTE: he'll say it's HIS issue and not mention you at all--taking personal responsibility.
2) he will make the arrangements to get to some kind of counseling--including scheduling it and getting himself there.
3) he will do the work that's assigned by the counselor willingly even though it's hard.
4) he will practice what he's learning and not minimize you or your opinions.
5) he will demonstrate over an extended period of time an ability to keep you safe.

I know all that sounds like a pretty tall order, but that's what it will look like. Until you see that kind of change in him, he'll just gradually go back to the cycle of abuse: Hearts&Flowers to get you back--then some time of tension (I call it walking on eggshells)--then the explosion--then hearts&flowers again to get you to come back--etc on and on! So, while you're apart, keep praying for him, going to church, reading your bible...surround yourself with wise, godly, Christian women and let them help you and minister to you. L ook for some counseling for yourself. For example, it may be a wise idea to start learning about Verbal Abuse at Dr. Irene's website. She's not a Christian per se, but her site is friendly and people there are helpful and kind (and also I see help for both men and women, abusers and those who were abused).

What Stan was saying about a plan is REALLY good advice. Making a move like this can be really big and scary, but it won't be so overwhelming if you start to plan and just take a day at a time. Here are a few sites that have good "fill-in-the-blanks" plans just so you can get started and begin thinking about it. Safety Planning and A SAMPLE SAFETY PLANNING TOOL These links will help you just get started in seeing a way to being safe. You don't need to divorce right away, but it is wise, godly, and loving to guard yourself, Jacqui, because you are a wellspring of life to us here on CF.

Faithfully,


FaithfulWife

 

[joy2daworld]

Amen, Stan.

Overit, you said what was on my heart. Thank you.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Blind post.

Oh dear heavens jaqui you are STILL with this vile man???? What will it take???

This says it all for me. I thought the exact same thing when I opened this thread.

It's such a shame you are still with him. I think it's also ashame how many people will probably try to encourage you to stay with him in such a dire situation (As I've followed your posts far back)... I hope that doesn't happen. I hope people lift you up and help to show you the way out of what is, as I recall from posts long ago, a down right dangerous situation, rather than encouraging you to risk yourself and your children by staying.

I don't know though... a part of me screams If you haven't left by now, I don't know if you ever will. It's such a sad situation for you and your kids that it makes me ache. You need to get away. I have to admit that I have lost hope that you ever will. I hope that you have not lost hope in getting away though.. because what I think doesn't matter.

Prayers for your situation go up...

 

[McScribe]

You have already gotten some very good practical advice here. I will only add in this therefore: the basis everyone is speaking from here is that you are a woman who is cherished by God, so much so that He gave his only begotten Son that you might have eternal life. So God isn't going to want you to be treated like trash. I really encourage you to be built up, lifted out of your struggles in your spirit so that you will see that you don't have to just stand there and take it anymore. My prayers go out to you tonight: that you are strong in the Lord and in the power of His might, and that you are fully aware of how much God longs to save you and bring you to a better safer place in this world than you are in now, that you will feel wisdom and clarity as the Holy Spirit touches upon your heart and mind and will be able to put wise counsel to good use, in Jesus' Name.

 

[jacquidube]

Stan...as a survivor myself-I have to say your post was beautiful, insightful, full of mercy and grace, wisdom, support, encouragement and very spot on.

I think God just used you

Jaqui...as a poster here of years I can't TELL you how heavy on my heart you have been. PLEASE take this advice-you WILL need help.

Yes it was a wonderful post, thankyou so much. I think im that wounded that I have no idea which way to turn now. Why do I think I deserve this, why cant i get that thought out of my head. This freaks me out, how I cant think any other way. I was abused sexually as a child for several years by my step-father and my mother and since then I have no idea how to say NO to people, even men who abuse me or have abused me. I think everything that happens to me happens because i must not be a good person. My husband thinks im crazy just because i was sexually abused, how can that be, it wasnt my fault, i was too young to know any different. I never told a soul about my abuse, not even my teachers or my closest friends.
Do I actually believe I deserve to be treated like this by anyone. Is there something wrong with me.
I have 3 children, one to my husband, she is 7 years old. She loves me to bits, I can just tell. I also have 2 other children to my previous marriage, a son 22 and a daughter 18 and they love me too, so much that they are both still living with me. I have never hurt any of them. I have never slapped or pushed my seven year old daughter like some mothers i see doing at schools. My older children have never been hurt either, by me anyway. I know what its like to be hit by someone who is meant to love you and it really confuses the mind.
My mother died almost 4 years ago. I know she is dead but I dont feel she is dead, strange I know. My step-father is still living but i keep my distance and only visit once a year if that.
I am a very loving person and I love everyone, even strangers i meet when i go shopping. I am a people person. I see so much sin in this world and you know its no ones fault really, we cant help the way we are and im guessing thats how i see others shortcomings. The pain my husband has caused me maybe because he has struggled with something in his life or been hurt from no fault of his own, but i know its just an excuse to excuse him from what he has done. If God is a forgiving God why cant I be a forgiving wife. I feel I have had a rough ride in life and even asked God to take me one night but He didnt, I still woke up the next day and told myself that maybe God wants me on earth for something. I know the love God has for me and thats unconditional, the same feeling I have for my kiddies whom I love unconditionally too. Its a great love and I love God with all my heart. I actually cant thank Him enough just for giving me life, its not His fault I took the wrong path.
Beyondashes No I have not lost hope. Me and my husband have not slept in the same room now for 3 years or more. I still have a life and my kiddies and their love for me. I do keep going even though I should. I always believe God will intervene at some stage and I know He has but we both chose to ignore it. I think I may be pretty arrogant trying to beat the odds of a failed marriage. I live in the real world right here but I also want to live in God's world or how it should of been. We dont have to conform to the way of the world just because thats how it is. Im a realist and I dont follow other peoples paths too lightly even though it looks like im following my husbands path, but im not, im trying to beat the odds like i said. Maybe thats niave i dont know. It has been going on for along time now. I am sure with the power of the Holy spirit things will change if i allow the change. I am positive God will intervene in my husbands life eventually. Patience here is the key, especially for me. People in the Bible waited years for God to help or speak to them. I think thats why people think I am crackers because Im still living with my husband who obviously doesnt care about me at all. Thanku hun for your input, x

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

i think there are some woman who get something from being with a man like this,
whether it be understanding, insight etc etc...
I also think it's hard for a woman who's done the sacrificial giving in her life, to be told that she has to stop that and start thinking of herself. that makes no sense in a world where no-ones thought of your needs before..
it is undoing a deep-set belief for a woman to change course, just like it's hard for the abuser to change course...sometimes it takes something really bad, other times, they just both eventually mature and acting a little better??

 

[fairygailie]

oh wow... you women who are giving advice are GREAT. i just posted a thread this week in the divorce area called "is there a mature way to divorce?" i'm not there yet because of my 16 yr old son, but i'm gonna be in a year.

everything said here is true. every post can be one i wrote.

i have such apprehension and fear about leaving when my son goes to college, but i haven't had a real marriage practically since he was born. my husband is totally emotionally shut off and has been that way for all of our marriage, really. i can't stand it. plus, every good thing i've ever accomplished on my own, he's put me down for.

but yea.... i'm gonna keep coming to this website. it's a joy to be around other women who know what other's are going thru because they've been there.

as far as sex? what's that? when there is no close emotional connection outside the bedroom, it is impossible to have meaningful sex. having sex with an object would be just as fulfilling, because objects have no feelings either. wow... how sad is that? sad, but true. been 3 yrs for me, and i don't miss it one bit. can't miss something you don't enjoy.

i'm raising my son to be totally opposite his dad, and i've done a great job so far. i'm raising him to be the man i wish i had. someone who can feel their emotions, someone who is empathetic and caring of all people. someone who can converse. someone who is christian. he's the only reason i'ved stayed. so we're both taken care of as far as shelter.

i'm building a plan in my mind of when i leave so that i know i can survive. i'm putting pictures in there for myself that are good ones, not negative.

 

[fairygailie]

PS: the one thing that bothers me tho... as christians, we are supposed to LOVE our enemies. so to leave him would mean i have given up (which both of us have anyways) but i'd feel badly i think filing for divorce. i don't love him, but i don't wanna hurt him either because that's not christianlike.

 

[tiredwalker]

Jesus never put up with this kind of thing. Look at what he did with the money changers and how he acted towards the Pharasees. He demanded that people do the right thing, and he didn't allow them to control his life.

I would never put up with that from any man. I dearly love my dh, and he respects me...because I expect it. No, I don't expect him to bow down to me, but I would never tolerate any behavior like that. Putting up with it simply justifies it in the eyes of the doer. If I were in this situation, I would leave mostly because I owe it to my child. My child deserves to be raised by a mother who has high standards as to how people treat her. Otherwise, she'll end up being a doormat too.

Jesus never equated love with "nice" and doormat. Love is rightness and kindness. You can love a person and be kind to them and still demand to be treated well all in the same note. I had a roommate that tried to step all over me. I told her, "I love you. You've been a good friend, and I will always be happy to call you so, but I am distancing myself from you because you have treated me unkindly. I won't let you continue with that." We didn't see each other for several years, but happily we reconnected, and she's treated me with nothing but kindness.

 

[fairygailie]

you make alot of sense, tiredwalker. too bad i didn't demand to be treated like a decent human being right at the start, the first time he spit in my direction because he was upset with me and couldn't verbalize it. (my son was 1 then). then i took his weekly drunken rages every weekend for a few years. then i took his putdowns. now i endure silence. no, silence is not golden.

my son told me last night that he'd be glad if we divorced. at least i won't have any guilt in that area. i really don't know how my son is so mature in this area after witnessing so much hostility between his parents.

i just hope i can find a decent job and support myself. i'll be 55 in june, and feel like 35, so that's in my favor. i've never had any health problems, so that's good too.