Hello, please don't jump on me and tell me I am a fool. Leaving at 62 after 35 years is not easy. I am trying to be a good Christian, but I don't know how much the Lord expects of me.
This thread is about sex and deception
I have been married 35 years. We work well together, for the most part. Our sex life has almost always been boring and let's just say we are well below the average for frequency. When we were young, it was easy. You both want sex, you have sex, everyone is quickly satisfied. As we aged, I needed more - intimacy, a feeling that I was being loved, exploration into intimacy that was not simply the sex act. My husband would begrudgingly agree to the idea of something simple (for example, I once bought him silk underwear and asked him to wear them), but he would never do any of the things I requested. Foreplay was always predictable and was clearly just so he could get to the "main event". "Lovemaking" never existed.
My husband and I separated about 10 years ago for 2 years. He came to the Lord while we were separated and there was a real change. Leading to the separation, he dated. (I had no idea due to his work schedule) I suspect there was an affair, but I am not sure. The separation was with the under the agreement we would not see other people. He had affairs in this time. I found all this out after the fact. He was coming home and saying how much he loved me and how he did not understand what he had done to make me move out. (his behavior had become intolerable).
We reconciled, attended counseling, went to church together. Then he got transferred for what he thought would be an 18 month stint. It turned into 5 years. His work became increasingly stressful - you've no idea. Never since we reconciled has he initiated sex.
A side note - he repeatedly over the years had trouble with his personal hygiene and I would have a serious, medical reaction after sex. Apparently, he had trouble cleaning after using the bathroom and, he was all about getting to the sex act, I was never in the area to know there was a problem. When I confronted him, he said he did not know. At one point I insisted he shower before sex. He complied. Time went by. He stopped taking care of his hygiene again and I had such a reaction and was so hurt I told him I would not have sex with him again. We became sexless for about 2 years. He never asked for sex or tried to talk about having sex in that time. I finally needed something, and went to him. He did not say no, never has, but he never initiates.
Ok, so, my husband had prostate cancer at one point. He struggles to get and maintain an erection now, and he has never allowed me to "help" him. He has never been open to a new way of having intimacy. I, of course, at this point am 62 and have not had penetrative sex for about 6 years. Things are not working so well for me, either, but I have tried to introduce something other than PIV sex. No dice.
He had some type of personal breakdown the other day. He realized what family has told him, work colleagues have shown him - that he can be difficult and argumentative. It hit him like a ton of bricks. He keeps saying how he can't live with "all the things" he has done. He has been saying this for a while, actually. I've assumed it has been because he can't even tolerate his mother or the lies from the affairs or things he had to do at work.
It turns out, he confessed, that he has had a inappropriate content addiction and has been masturbating "obsessively" (in his words, due to stress) during our entire marriage. I had NO idea. There is no financial trail. He admits it has been to the exclusion of sex within out marriage. He masturbates in the middle of the night, in the shower, when he says he is going to the bathroom. I thought I was unattractive. I am not beautiful. I thought I was fat (I am not and have never been). I though I was not girly enough because I an engineer. I thought he thought I was too much like my family (several of my siblings are on the autism spectrum, I am not, I had myself tested as an adult). I have thought a thousand things about myself. I've struggled because he does not listen to me when I tell him my needs. I thought I was showing him the resentment that was building up, and so he was justified. It is all so warped.
I can not ever trust this man again. He has been a good provider and basically a good man, but this area of our lives is such a betrayal to me. I have to leave. We just relocated and bought our dream retirement house. Literally 6 months ago. I just can't take it anymore.
This thread is about sex and deception
I have been married 35 years. We work well together, for the most part. Our sex life has almost always been boring and let's just say we are well below the average for frequency. When we were young, it was easy. You both want sex, you have sex, everyone is quickly satisfied. As we aged, I needed more - intimacy, a feeling that I was being loved, exploration into intimacy that was not simply the sex act. My husband would begrudgingly agree to the idea of something simple (for example, I once bought him silk underwear and asked him to wear them), but he would never do any of the things I requested. Foreplay was always predictable and was clearly just so he could get to the "main event". "Lovemaking" never existed.
My husband and I separated about 10 years ago for 2 years. He came to the Lord while we were separated and there was a real change. Leading to the separation, he dated. (I had no idea due to his work schedule) I suspect there was an affair, but I am not sure. The separation was with the under the agreement we would not see other people. He had affairs in this time. I found all this out after the fact. He was coming home and saying how much he loved me and how he did not understand what he had done to make me move out. (his behavior had become intolerable).
We reconciled, attended counseling, went to church together. Then he got transferred for what he thought would be an 18 month stint. It turned into 5 years. His work became increasingly stressful - you've no idea. Never since we reconciled has he initiated sex.
A side note - he repeatedly over the years had trouble with his personal hygiene and I would have a serious, medical reaction after sex. Apparently, he had trouble cleaning after using the bathroom and, he was all about getting to the sex act, I was never in the area to know there was a problem. When I confronted him, he said he did not know. At one point I insisted he shower before sex. He complied. Time went by. He stopped taking care of his hygiene again and I had such a reaction and was so hurt I told him I would not have sex with him again. We became sexless for about 2 years. He never asked for sex or tried to talk about having sex in that time. I finally needed something, and went to him. He did not say no, never has, but he never initiates.
Ok, so, my husband had prostate cancer at one point. He struggles to get and maintain an erection now, and he has never allowed me to "help" him. He has never been open to a new way of having intimacy. I, of course, at this point am 62 and have not had penetrative sex for about 6 years. Things are not working so well for me, either, but I have tried to introduce something other than PIV sex. No dice.
He had some type of personal breakdown the other day. He realized what family has told him, work colleagues have shown him - that he can be difficult and argumentative. It hit him like a ton of bricks. He keeps saying how he can't live with "all the things" he has done. He has been saying this for a while, actually. I've assumed it has been because he can't even tolerate his mother or the lies from the affairs or things he had to do at work.
It turns out, he confessed, that he has had a inappropriate content addiction and has been masturbating "obsessively" (in his words, due to stress) during our entire marriage. I had NO idea. There is no financial trail. He admits it has been to the exclusion of sex within out marriage. He masturbates in the middle of the night, in the shower, when he says he is going to the bathroom. I thought I was unattractive. I am not beautiful. I thought I was fat (I am not and have never been). I though I was not girly enough because I an engineer. I thought he thought I was too much like my family (several of my siblings are on the autism spectrum, I am not, I had myself tested as an adult). I have thought a thousand things about myself. I've struggled because he does not listen to me when I tell him my needs. I thought I was showing him the resentment that was building up, and so he was justified. It is all so warped.
I can not ever trust this man again. He has been a good provider and basically a good man, but this area of our lives is such a betrayal to me. I have to leave. We just relocated and bought our dream retirement house. Literally 6 months ago. I just can't take it anymore.
