[911 edit] Married men and sex (2)

[JanniGirl]

I don't see anyone saying that no joy is to be expected in return. I see them saying that that should not be a requirement each and every time.

Wow! I guess this is where the disagreement really lies. The fact that women shouldn't expect joy in their sex each and every time. If the purpose of sex isn't joy -- and is, instead a "simple" household chore -- it's no wonder that many, many women object to the antibiblical viewpoint. It turns them into prostitutes or mere unpaid "labor" and turns sex into a chore devoid of the bonding and intimacy that it should confer on both parties.

It's sad.

 

[chaz345]

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[McScribe]

The lady I'm seeing right now wants more physicals affection and more endearments than I am accustomed to giving. So I give them. I don't feel what she does when I do, but because I do it in a spirit of giving she feels appreciated and cared for. To be honest, I don't see why I need to call her every night when we will see one another in three days, but I find as I do it that my attitude increases my affection for her. I hold hands with her more than I might otherwise because I know it makes her happy. There are times when talking to her for an hour before bed is not what I'd rather do, but I do it cheerfully.

When I was with my ex there were times (rare) when she wanted sex and frankly I wasnt into it. I made love to her with a lot of love and tenderness because I wanted her to feel that I found her attractive and enjoyed being with her.

For me I'd say if that spirit of things doesn't exist in a marriage I'd ask myself why.

 

[JRSut1000]

The purpose of sex is intimacy. Sometimes the ultimate physical pleasure ("O") happens, sometimes it doesn't. What does the really old couple do when their bodies just don't work the way it used to? They still do their best to 'perform'.

I don't always get extreme physical pleasure from sex and I've said this multiple tmes, but I do get the pleasure of being near the one I love whether I achieve the big O or simply intimacy.

Sex is an act of love.

 

[JRSut1000]

LoL, McScribe your lady and I would prob get along great! I'm miss hugs and affection and call me every night kinda person. My husband isn't naturally very affectionate, but he's been trying more and more because he loves me even if he doesn't 'get off' from it. He just does it cuz he loves me and it brings us closer together when both of us are getting our 'needs' met.

But even on those days when he just doesn't show affection and goes straight to the heart (well, maybe heart is the wrong body part to use, lol), I still love him and want to see him happy.

I think it was you McScribe who talked about the natural ebb and flow of things. Who has to keep score? Like I said before, just do what you know to do for love's sake and quit worrying so much about whether you are treated exactly how you feel you deserve (even though legit).

 

[Tannic]

The lady I'm seeing right now wants more physicals affection and more endearments than I am accustomed to giving. So I give them. I don't feel what she does when I do, but because I do it in a spirit of giving she feels appreciated and cared for. To be honest, I don't see why I need to call her every night when we will see one another in three days, but I find as I do it that my attitude increases my affection for her. I hold hands with her more than I might otherwise because I know it makes her happy. There are times when talking to her for an hour before bed is not what I'd rather do, but I do it cheerfully.

When I was with my ex there were times (rare) when she wanted sex and frankly I wasnt into it. I made love to her with a lot of love and tenderness because I wanted her to feel that I found her attractive and enjoyed being with her.

For me I'd say if that spirit of things doesn't exist in a marriage I'd ask myself why.

Feels good to know that she cares like that. I know the feeling.

Anyhow like McScribe some men don't have a slightest clue as a reason why some women want this but we do it. To keep them happy we do it and in the long run things change.

 

[McScribe]

LoL, McScribe your lady and I would prob get along great! I'm miss hugs and affection and call me every night kinda person. My husband isn't naturally very affectionate, but he's been trying more and more because he loves me even if he doesn't 'get off' from it. He just does it cuz he loves me and it brings us closer together when both of us are getting our 'needs' met.

But even on those days when he just doesn't show affection and goes straight to the heart (well, maybe heart is the wrong body part to use, lol), I still love him and want to see him happy.

I think it was you McScribe who talked about the natural ebb and flow of things. Who has to keep score? Like I said before, just do what you know to do for love's sake and quit worrying so much about whether you are treated exactly how you feel you deserve (even though legit).

I think that was one of the ladies. I think what I said is something that mirrored it, but it was a good thought. If a relationship has a lot of disrespect in it or lack of good communication then sex could become an issue as well.

 

[His Wife]

Is there a similar obligation on the husband? Is a husband obligated to ensure his wife has good, satisfying sex in order to stop her from being tempted? Should he offer to pleasure her in other ways while she's on her period and penetrative sex is not on the table?

I know this wasn't directed at me, but I wanted to answer it.

Of course the husband should pleasure the wife! Mutuality is the key. What applies to one spouse, applies to the other. Even if it's not completely sex related(like when she's on her period and things are...messy), there are many things that both spouses can do to each other to strengthen that intimate, passionate bond.

I think the reason why I don't get you is because you seem to be presenting this view of sex as something a woman does for a man for his pleasure, rather then something done for each other and for mutual pleasure.

I could be wrong about this(and maybe she's already answered this...I'm a bit behind on posts), but, personally, I know of very few men who don't have a natural desire to please their wives sexually. They may not know how to, but I think most men have an intense desire to sexually satisfy their wives. Personally(and this is based on my perceptions alone), I see women as having the harder time wanting to satisfy their husbands sexually.

 

[His Wife]

As a woman who takes pleasure in marital relations I must say I am not confounded at all.

I completely understand what she is saying...she is saying its not always about us. Sometimes it can be about blessing our dhs with sex without thinking "What has HE done for ME lately?!".
The blessing comes from our willingness to allow ourselved time to get interested, because (maybe I am alone here) my body doesn't desire the act as much as my dh's, BUT I enjoy being with him and the act of sex (even on the off time of no [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] for me).

Not one person has said there is no joy expected in return...there is great joy in being a blessing to the one you love most in the world. There is joy in feeling your body warm under his touch, and there is joy that comes from the act its-self.

This is what I saw being said as well.

 

[His Wife]

Wow! I guess this is where the disagreement really lies. The fact that women shouldn't expect joy in their sex each and every time. If the purpose of sex isn't joy -- and is, instead a "simple" household chore -- it's no wonder that many, many women object to the antibiblical viewpoint. It turns them into prostitutes or mere unpaid "labor" and turns sex into a chore devoid of the bonding and intimacy that it should confer on both parties.

It's sad.

If that's what had been meant, yes, it would be sad indeed. But that is not at all what I saw being said.

I don't always reach the big "O" every time we have sex, nor do I need to. There's physical pleasure to sex beyond just a climax. If the climax was the goal, we'd only be in bed for five minutes. In fact, for both my husband and myself, the climax is a perk to having sex, not a reason to have sex. So, even if I don't climax, there is a substantial amount of emotional and physical satisfaction that comes through sexual relations. Even if the physical pleasure isn't there(on the rare occasion that it's not), there's still an emotional satisfaction that can't be compared to anything else in life.

That is what I saw. That sex should not be all about the physical, even though the physical aspect is fantastic. It should be about the bond, the oneness between a husband and wife. Sometimes the wife may not always have a mind blowing sexual experience with her husband, but there is still joy and satisfaction because they are with each other, enjoying each other. Sometimes a husband may not have a mind blowing sexual experience with his wife(like if she's on her period and other forms of stimulation are used, or maybe, there's no stimulation at all...just a lot of closeness and touching), but there's still joy and satisfaction because they're with each other, enjoying each other.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Wow! I guess this is where the disagreement really lies. The fact that women shouldn't expect joy in their sex each and every time. If the purpose of sex isn't joy -- and is, instead a "simple" household chore -- it's no wonder that many, many women object to the antibiblical viewpoint. It turns them into prostitutes or mere unpaid "labor" and turns sex into a chore devoid of the bonding and intimacy that it should confer on both parties.

It's sad.

I would adjust chaz' statement just a bit and say that personal joy (as in physical climax) is not a requirement each and every time. But, joy received from meeting our spouse's needs (speaking male or female here) is sometimes the greater joy received during an intimate encounter.

Sometimes, it's all about hubby. Sometimes, it's all about me. A majority of the time, it is about both of us. To me, there is nothing unhealthy about that. I don't feel like I'm performing a chore and/or being treated like a prostitute. I enjoy giving pleasure to my husband - plain and simple. Likewise, he enjoys giving pleasure to me.

 

[dallasapple]

Well from my standpoint?I dont want my husband to 'sacrifice" by talkign to me..no thanks..I can fidn soemone else who ENJOYS my conversation ..he is free to go do whatever else he likes instead..even if thats staring at a blank wall..I dont want "fake" and I dont want him to sacrfice on that personal of a level with me..same with holding hands..if he reaches out to hold my hand and I accept..if he ever told me he really doesnt enjoy that I would NOT accept it..I dont like putting him out..Im not into to that..ESPECIALLY if thats all a ploy ..to when its time to have sex he cans say well 'I TALK to you when I dont feel like it"..NO thanks..Im even steven on that..I do not expect him to just do what I want..for me..even if he doesnt enjoy it other than hes placating me ..so later I'll have unwanted sex with him.

Dallas

 

[Chaplain David]

Gentle people,

I've read some warm and interesting things in the past few pages but there is still too much critisizing of other posters. Please address the topic and not the poster in a critical way. Please do not critisize or reprimand another poster for any wrong you perceive in their posting style. We have been saying this so that everyone should know not to do it. If we show Christian compassion, love and tolerance toward each other it is likely to be reciprocated. If it is not, we have still done the right thing. God bless

 

[chaz345]

I would adjust chaz' statement just a bit and say that personal joy (as in physical climax) is not a requirement each and every time. But, joy received from meeting our spouse's needs (speaking male or female here) is sometimes the greater joy received during an intimate encounter.

Sometimes, it's all about hubby. Sometimes, it's all about me. A majority of the time, it is about both of us. To me, there is nothing unhealthy about that. I don't feel like I'm performing a chore and/or being treated like a prostitute. I enjoy giving pleasure to my husband - plain and simple. Likewise, he enjoys giving pleasure to me.

Exactly. In my opinion, having sex be like a chore or feeling like a prostitute is almost entirely a choice in the attitude with which one approaches it.

 

[His Wife]

I would adjust chaz' statement just a bit and say that personal joy (as in physical climax) is not a requirement each and every time. But, joy received from meeting our spouse's needs (speaking male or female here) is sometimes the greater joy received during an intimate encounter.

Sometimes, it's all about hubby. Sometimes, it's all about me. A majority of the time, it is about both of us. To me, there is nothing unhealthy about that. I don't feel like I'm performing a chore and/or being treated like a prostitute. I enjoy giving pleasure to my husband - plain and simple. Likewise, he enjoys giving pleasure to me.

Exactly.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Well from my standpoint?I dont want my husband to 'sacrifice" by talkign to me..no thanks..I can fidn soemone else who ENJOYS my conversation ..he is free to go do whatever else he likes instead..even if thats staring at a blank wall..I dont want "fake" and I dont want him to sacrfice on that personal of a level with me..same with holding hands..if he reaches out to hold my hand and I accept..if he ever told me he really doesnt enjoy that I would NOT accept it..I dont like putting him out..Im not into to that..ESPECIALLY if thats all a ploy ..to when its time to have sex he cans say well 'I TALK to you when I dont feel like it"..NO thanks..Im even steven on that..I do not expect him to just do what I want..for me..even if he doesnt enjoy it other than hes placating me ..so later I'll have unwanted sex with him.

Dallas

You're entirely entitled to that opinion, as your perception is your reality. You don't have to agree or be on board with what anyone else is saying - but, that doesn't mean it doesn't work for them and isn't genuine and meaningful, rather than being/feeling fake or like it's a ploy like it does to you. Does that make sense?

IOW, I don't understand why/how that would feel fake or like a ploy to you, but I accept that is your reality. Likewise, if someone (you, or anyone else) doesn't understand why/how it doesn't feel fake or like a ploy to me or another member, it can still be accepted as our reality.

 

[JRSut1000]

It's not a crime that my husabnd isn't a big talker, so him taking the time to listen is appreciated and welcomed, even if he's not a great conversationalist. No, he's not always interested in what I have to say and no I'm not always interested in sex. But we both appreciate the sacrifice on each other's part because we know it's done in love. Who could ask for more?

 

[dallasapple]

Oh and on the phone calls?Im sure its different when your dating..I wouldnt know I barely got a chance to 'date" before I was serious and then married at 20...

But for me..if my husband wasnt going to be home for 3 days..and he didnt WANT to call me once a day ..and just catch up ..even briefly like how are you everything O.K..If he said "whats the point..we will see each other in 3 days'..I certainly woudlnt want him to call me like an obligatory robot..just to temper me so I wouldnt get upset..or to appease me..But i would want to know..WHY would he not want to talk to me for 3 days..that would be an issue for me that he would be fine not even saying hi for 3 days..

If it was becasue he just "logically" didnt think it was necessary?I would accept that..however odd I would think it is..I guess becasue in my case it WOULD be odd for him to feel that way..it would throw up a huge red flag..When he has been out of town he has called me many times a day..When I went out of town same thing..we called each other..I never got the feeling he was doing it for "me'..we BOTH wanted to talk to each other..If he really didnt want to..I wouldnt want him to.

Dallas

 

[JRSut1000]

Every guy and marriage is different and comes along with its own set of expectations. In my dating days, I would have been highly offended if my man didn't call (or want to call) every day. In fact, there were many times I was a total b[rat] for lack of better b words, lol. But since then I think I've grown up a bit.

Now it's a bit different. I see many men just don't think that way and it's not necessarily bad, it's just different from my 'wants' and expectations. But I guess deployment kind of changes my expectations and demands.

 

[CarrieAnnC]

I am grateful for my romantic, charmant husband. This is how he has always been and remains so.