29 & Never Dated

[DragonFox91]

It's not necessarily something that you would be doing consciously. It's just a "vibe" (for lack of a better word) that people can have when they want a relationship badly. Women do it unconsciously as well, I think.

You'll have to explain it clearer, but I don't think that's coming across.

On the second part, you might be better off if you asked out a woman without getting to know her too well first. Lest you hit the dreaded "friend zone". I know there's a lot of debate about whether or not such a thing exists, but it's possible. Best not to take chances. Totally understand about the shy part, though. I have the same problem talking to men I like so they often don't "get" it and think I hate them instead. lol

I've been friend zoned before. It tones down my desire a whole bunch b/c I'm at least in a friendship w/ a woman. Me getting friends w/ women who aren't a lot older is rare, so when it does happen, I don't complain about it.

The next girl I'd like to date, I do want to try asking her out fairly early, just to see what happens.

Why would they think you hate them? I could understand them thinking you're not interested in them, but hate?

 

[DragonFox91]

I am doing well today. It's still at the back of my mind, but I'm happy.

 

[DragonFox91]

It sucks, doesn't it? I blame my anxiety and the fact that I was homeschooled from grade 3 all the way to grade 9. Homeschooling wouldn't have been a problem if it weren't for the fact that I was already shy beforehand and my parents are homebodies, so we weren't like some homeschooling families visiting with friends and attending events 24/7. Not that I'm resentful towards my parents for making that decision. Maybe it was better for me in the end.

My parents were homebodies as well. I wonder if that had an effect on me.

Bleh, anxiety's the worst!!!!! Not sure how bad your's was, but we can't know what it would've been like if you weren't homeschooled so we can't dwell on it.

I love the idea of homeschooling, but I worry that same thing could happen. (Although a lot of homeschooling parents say there's still extra-cirriculars children can participate in) If not that, I'd send them to a Christian school.

Usually when I meet a girl I like, i just start hanging around them, and it gradually goes from friendship to relationship, though you have to have “the conversation” eventually. But the last few times it’s happened, I ended up just completely dropping most communication with them, and there’s an inexplicable loss of interest. That was before I knew that I tested highly in the depression category, so maybe that explains it. I guess introverts go about it differently.

How do you transition to the 'hanging around them' & 'friendship' stages?

I have trouble w/ this. W/ men it's easy. W/ women, I'm clueless.

I guess transitioning from group settings? How would you do that?

 

[Isaiah 2:22]

You'll have to explain it clearer, but I don't think that's coming across.

I'm not sure I really can explain it clearer. It's just an intuition thing. Something I can sense rather than something palpable. But I believe you if you think you're not putting out those "vibes" (I actually hate this word so much, dunno why I keep using it).

Why would they think you hate them? I could understand them thinking you're not interested in them, but hate?

Because I tend to clam up and avoid them. If I like them a lot. So they think I dislike them. I've actually had a guy ask me why I hate him. LOL I didn't have the courage to tell him the real reason I was avoiding him. Just told him some guff about he was imagining things.

Bleh, anxiety's the worst!!!!! Not sure how bad your's was, but we can't know what it would've been like if you weren't homeschooled so we can't dwell on it.

Pretty bad. But it's only social anxiety. My brother has generalized anxiety. His is very bad. There were times when he wouldn't leave the house for literally months. I think it's called agoraphobia? He was doing a lot better, but the pandemic has got him down again, sadly.

I love the idea of homeschooling, but I worry that same thing could happen. (Although a lot of homeschooling parents say there's still extra-cirriculars children can participate in) If not that, I'd send them to a Christian school.

It wouldn't. If you are diligent and make sure your children socialize a LOT. Especially if they are already shy. There are many, many events and activities for homeschoolers out there. At least there were where I grew up. I still see some of my old homeschooling friends. One of them has remained a very dear friend for the past 20 years. I just talked to her the other day.

 

[TenthAveN]

My parents were homebodies as well. I wonder if that had an effect on me.

Bleh, anxiety's the worst!!!!! Not sure how bad your's was, but we can't know what it would've been like if you weren't homeschooled so we can't dwell on it.

I love the idea of homeschooling, but I worry that same thing could happen. (Although a lot of homeschooling parents say there's still extra-cirriculars children can participate in) If not that, I'd send them to a Christian school.


How do you transition to the 'hanging around them' & 'friendship' stages?

I have trouble w/ this. W/ men it's easy. W/ women, I'm clueless.

I guess transitioning from group settings? How would you do that?

Basically, I did everything that I could to tell them that I liked them just short of telling them that I liked them.

If there’s mutual attraction, don’t do what I did and find the smallest imperfection about them, and push them away. What I did was shallow and wrong. Maybe depression played a small part, but as far as I know it was just my shallowness.

 

[DragonFox91]

I'm not sure I really can explain it clearer. It's just an intuition thing. Something I can sense rather than something palpable. But I believe you if you think you're not putting out those "vibes" (I actually hate this word so much, dunno why I keep using it).

Hmm, as you suggested, can any other woman give perspective on this? Not when a man's being pushy, but just something screams desperation.

Because I tend to clam up and avoid them. If I like them a lot. So they think I dislike them. I've actually had a guy ask me why I hate him. LOL I didn't have the courage to tell him the real reason I was avoiding him. Just told him some guff about he was imagining things.

Solve that, you're gonna do big things.

Pretty bad. But it's only social anxiety. My brother has generalized anxiety. His is very bad. There were times when he wouldn't leave the house for literally months. I think it's called agoraphobia? He was doing a lot better, but the pandemic has got him down again, sadly.

Social anxiety is what I really struggled w/. I've come a long ways, but as I said, there's still psychological scars & my social network probably isn't where it should be.
Aww, that sounds horrible for your brother. So he has the desire to improve at least, then right? Sometimes the desire isn't always there. Is your anxiety a lot better then what it used to be?

It wouldn't. If you are diligent and make sure your children socialize a LOT. Especially if they are already shy. There are many, many events and activities for homeschoolers out there. At least there were where I grew up. I still see some of my old homeschooling friends. One of them has remained a very dear friend for the past 20 years. I just talked to her the other day.

One of the things that concerns me about homeschooling activities, is they're designed for children who have the same dreams, goals, hobbies, interests, etc. Whereas if you're not homeschooled, I think you'd be exposed more to social circles & groups that aren't the child's type, which is really, really helpful. Maybe the homeschooled-child needs to be challenged to try extracurricular activities that may not be their favorite?

 

[DragonFox91]

Basically, I did everything that I could to tell them that I liked them just short of telling them that I liked them.

If there’s mutual attraction, don’t do what I did and find the smallest imperfection about them, and push them away. What I did was shallow and wrong. Maybe depression played a small part, but as far as I know it was just my shallowness.

I think next time I just need to ask them if they want to hang out.
Usually I can't develop a spark, but there have been instances where I have but we never transitioned out of a group setting.

 

[Inkwell81]

It's horrible. If you've never been in a relationship but have wanted one your whole life, & don't know what it's like, you have no idea what that feeling is like. I've maybe had 2 girl friends my whole life. Both ended. I don't even know what going on a date is like. I don't know what kind of woman would be interested in me. Right now it's none. It hurts. Whether it be school, work, or church groups, nothing. God's silent on it.

I know exactly what it's like. I'm 39 and going through exactly the same situation.

More agonizing than the loneliness is God's absolute silence. I don't believe I have ever heard from him. My pleas have gone unanswered regardless of subject. I believed he would guide me in my life and am only realizing now what a fool I've been.

 

[DragonFox91]

I know exactly what it's like. I'm 39 and going through exactly the same situation.

More agonizing than the loneliness is God's absolute silence. I don't believe I have ever heard from him. My pleas have gone unanswered regardless of subject. I believed he would guide me in my life and am only realizing now what a fool I've been.

Are you sure he's silent on it? He may not be as silent as you think.

I think he's silent on it for me too, but sometimes I try thinking & praying on it of experiences where he could be preparing me or trying to keep me optimistic about it, & he may be talking louder than I sometimes think. Also, are you doing everything you can? He's probably not just going to throw one in our laps because he wants us to grow too & has other purposes for us besides just being for a woman.

 

[Inkwell81]

Are you sure he's silent on it? He may not be as silent as you think.

I think he's silent on it for me too, but sometimes I try thinking & praying on it of experiences where he could be preparing me or trying to keep me optimistic about it, & he may be talking louder than I sometimes think. Also, are you doing everything you can? He's probably not just going to throw one in our laps because he wants us to grow too & has other purposes for us besides just being for a woman.

He doesnt respond to my prayers in any measurable way. Yes ive done all i can slight plastic surgery.

 

[DragonFox91]

He doesnt respond to my prayers in any measurable way. Yes ive done all i can slight plastic surgery.

I used think about plastic surgery for my nose

You've never had even short-lived female friends or acquaintances on the occasion? You don't work w/ women? You don't get to interact w/ women? You don't meet them at church? (although I do understand that's not as easy as people think ) Chances where you could've if you had put in a tiny more effort? Women you yourself 'rejected'? Etc. etc.

It's definitely not easy, but if you've had some of the above, it very well could be a kind of answer.

 

[TenthAveN]

I think next time I just need to ask them if they want to hang out.
Usually I can't develop a spark, but there have been instances where I have but we never transitioned out of a group setting.

Everyone has their own methods. I think mine worked for me because of where I was at.

 

[Inkwell81]

I used think about plastic surgery for my nose

You've never had even short-lived female friends or acquaintances on the occasion? You don't work w/ women? You don't get to interact w/ women? You don't meet them at church? (although I do understand that's not as easy as people think ) Etc. etc.

I work for myself. Im not interested in having female friends. Ive only ever hung around tom boys. The women at church, when i went didnt give me the time of day.

 

[Agnos]

I feel like a loser especially tonight b/c I feel like it's out of my control. Not that I'm a bottom on the ladder (tho I do get that feeling in regards to romance) but that I'm totally powerless w/ this situation.

Ugh, I feel miserable again today. This is a rough week. I can't live like this. I feel like a loser b/c I can't get my dream, I lose at it.

I do build treasure in heaven. It never leads to gf. Tonight I feel lonely & like a loser. I think my destiny is to be single my whole life, never having one date.

Dude. You're not a loser for not having a gf yet. I hope you realise that.

Fix your attitude. You don't need a romantic relationship in order to be happy.

Be secure and find peace in solitude before you look for someone else.

Don't expect another person to turn your world upside down.

Avoid self-pity and work towards your goals instead.

Do today what your future self will thank you for.

There are plenty of people online. I would recommend actually forming friendships instead of whining. Because this type of repeated behaviour certainly does not help you:

Spoiler

i want to cry so much

I hate this so much. Why is finding interested woman so hard? Why am I so hopeless w/ this? I make zero progress, have literally made zero progress w/ this my whole life. I want it to be over.

now I feel horrible. Just hopeless & helpless. I hate this so much

I guess I'll have to think on it. I am sad. It's sad & lonely. I have always wanted gf, way back to when I was little. When I reached 5th, 6th grade, I knew I was going to struggle w/ it & it wasn't going to come easy. It still hasn't.

this isn't good. I am crying. I feel so alone. I hate this so much. I am so lonely. I'm going to be alone my whole life

I think I should pray against my dream, that all wants of it be banished, just gone & wiped out completely, that I wake up one day & I'm happy & content & if any sign of my dream emerges, I say no to it, I'm in control that way. I'd have more luck with that, no? That's basically what everyone's telling me anyways, just get rid of the want. I'm gonna take the dream & throw it away. It's useless. I don't want it anymore. It hurts me. I thought it was a good thing but it's not. As I was praying the other night, it piereces my hands. It just makes me sad & upset. I can't be happy wanting the dream. Just distract myself, live in life's other joys. I'm single, I knew from the start I'd be, time to accept it.

Why would I want a woman when they've all rejected me anyways, or God hides them from me. I get there's a pandemic, but shouldn't women be compelled to go to church like I am? I guess that's too much to ask. I hate my dream. I might as well dream of being president or something else silly. That'd be more likely to happen. So many men have the same dream. They try, some so much harder then me, & they don't get their dream either. Why should I be more blessed then them? That'd be selfish of me. Who else wants my dream. I'll give it to you if you want it. I wanted my dream. I didn't want to give up on it. I don't feel I have a choice now.

I don't think it's from God. He doesn't even throw me a bone or give me a sign she's coming. I understand I'm not in the best spot, but this week has been hard. They're not all like this. I've come so far already, but it's not enough, it's never enough. I get closed doors. I open the doors but nothing's in them. The hall is long. It's neverending.

I woke up today really sad. I want to cry. I hate this.

Today I can't help but thinking God doesn't want me to have one & get married, that I've made too many mistakes.

Not gonna lie, I'm very frustrated today. I'm not even meeting single women It's like I'm just spinning my wheels.

I'm not even meeting single women, just men, married women, & single women either far older or far younger. It's like God is keeping single women I could date away from me!

I am sad Why is this so hard? I want to cry. I can't do this my whole dumb life. I don't know what I have to do. I don't know how & everything I try doesn't work I can't be alone my whole life

I've waited so long. I do those things, but nothing

I am so frustrated
I can't do this my whole life

Bleh, this is so frustrating. If God wants me to be a boyfriend/husband, I wonder what he's waiting on? Do I have to advance my career more? I guess I'll wait & see if my current position is going to be permanent from home, if so, I'm out.

I can't do this my whole life. I feel so frustrated & hopeless. It needs to end

I am hurt today. It feels so hopeless.
I am so over this.

Very frustrating. I hate this so much.

I am sad. Will it ever happen for me?

i lost Oh, no, I'm crying I'm done w/ everything I lost

Yes I read everything and I wish you the best. - Agnos

 

[DragonFox91]

I work for myself. Im not interested in having female friends. Ive only ever hung around tom boys. The women at church, when i went didnt give me the time of day.

If you're not interested in female friends, that's a problem.

"The women at church when I went....." So you don't go? You should. For spiritual health at minimum. Plus you're probably not gonna meet any women at home. Although for sure it's hard meeting women at church then what people make it how to be. How long did you try meeting them there?

What's wrong w/ tomboys?

Dude. You're not a loser for not having a gf yet.

What if I have a dream & lose at it? But yes you're right, I do have value to people & God (the flying spaghetti monster in your tongue)

 

[MehGuy]

I used think about plastic surgery for my nose

Hey.. nothing wrong with a roman nose. I have one, and besides maybe wanting to trip a slight bump on the side profile.. I think they can make men look masculine. Although might depend on the rest of the face too. I have a pretty large head, so the nose is more in proportion. Regardless, there are women out there who love long noses.

 

[pc_76]

It seems like to be successful, especially more if you are a man, is only possible when the woman gives a clear reciprocal affirmation.

And especially with the environment society finds itself in today, I think the obsession or focus on chastity before marriage might be contributing to more harm than good. Sure, those standards were ideal, but back in those days pre-marital chastity was followed mutually by pretty much everyone. Society's interaction is very different today and while it is less ideal, pre-marital chastity has become a burden and guys feel like in order to get their dream their only choices is to fall to their "sin" or be alone forever.

Why doesn't God understand that part or he does know but doesn't care anyway?

 

[Isaiah 2:22]

And especially with the environment society finds itself in today, I think the obsession or focus on chastity before marriage might be contributing to more harm than good.

Huh? Are we living in the same year of 2021? I don't think humanity has ever been more obsessed with sex than it is now. Premarital or otherwise. If anything, there is too much emphasis on licentious behaviour in the modern world. Which is probably part of the reason there are so many more single people than there used to be. Why get married and have a meaningful relationship if you can just bonk people and dump them when they become inconvenient instead. This results in those who maybe aren't as outgoing or attractive getting left behind. Because who wants to have a relationship with them if there are so many other choices out there? I don't know if you realized it, but you actually have the solution right there within your post. The solution is not more premarital sex. It is a return to tradition. Every man has a wife and every woman a husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2 How would it be beneficial for Christians to become even more worldly, if worldliness has shown itself to be a false god which merely makes our lives more difficult?

pre-marital chastity has become a burden and guys feel like in order to get their dream their only choices is to fall to their "sin" or be alone forever.

But it seems like the OP of this thread wants a meaningful relationship, not what you are suggesting. So how would this be helpful to him? Or are you speaking more for yourself?

Why doesn't God understand that part or he does know but doesn't care anyway?

To be blunt, God is not a vending machine where you can press a button and He dispenses what you most desire at any one time. He doesn't bend to your wishes and whims. His laws are eternal and unchanging. The world changes constantly. Sometimes some of His laws are made more difficult to follow by the different weaknesses humanity finds itself embroiled in at different times. But we are still asked to obey and trust Him.

 

[Isaiah 2:22]

Social anxiety is what I really struggled w/. I've come a long ways, but as I said, there's still psychological scars & my social network probably isn't where it should be.
Aww, that sounds horrible for your brother. So he has the desire to improve at least, then right? Sometimes the desire isn't always there. Is your anxiety a lot better then what it used to be?

He did have the desire to improve. But I think he got tired of the hard work involved, and everything this past year came down on him like a ton of bricks. My anxiety is miles better than it used to be for sure.

One of the things that concerns me about homeschooling activities, is they're designed for children who have the same dreams, goals, hobbies, interests, etc. Whereas if you're not homeschooled, I think you'd be exposed more to social circles & groups that aren't the child's type, which is really, really helpful. Maybe the homeschooled-child needs to be challenged to try extracurricular activities that may not be their favorite?

Not always. There's a lot of co-ops and groups that just meet for the kids to play and/or learn together. They usually plan different activities for each meeting, so there's always variety and the children get exposure to different sports, games, hobbies, etc. There are also teaching co-ops, especially for older children. So one of the ones I was at, we learned history, literature and creative writing from different parents of other pupils. It was very helpful for my mom to be released from some of her responsibilities when we got older and subjects became more intense.

 

[DragonFox91]

Huh? Are we living in the same year of 2021? I don't think humanity has ever been more obsessed with sex than it is now. Premarital or otherwise. If anything, there is too much emphasis on licentious behaviour in the modern world. Which is probably part of the reason there are so many more single people than there used to be. Why get married and have a meaningful relationship if you can just bonk people and dump them when they become inconvenient instead. This results in those who maybe aren't as outgoing or attractive getting left behind. Because who wants to have a relationship with them if there are so many other choices out there? I don't know if you realized it, but you actually have the solution right there within your post. The solution is not more premarital sex. It is a return to tradition. Every man has a wife and every woman a husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2 How would it be beneficial for Christians to become even more worldly, if worldliness has shown itself to be a false god which merely makes our lives more difficult?

But it seems like the OP of this thread wants a meaningful relationship, not what you are suggesting. So how would this be helpful to him? Or are you speaking more for yourself?

Yep to all this.

I do think he's talking about himself, how Christians' emphasis on chasity is doing him more harm than good. If that is what he means: that's a good thing. I know many believers, they don't believe in that rule. They don't want to fight it. They want the good things from God but don't want to listen & follow him. You must be in the company of good believers, or you must understand what God's desire for us is.

To be blunt, God is not a vending machine where you can press a button and He dispenses what you most desire at any one time. He doesn't bend to your wishes and whims. His laws are eternal and unchanging. The world changes constantly. Sometimes some of His laws are made more difficult to follow by the different weaknesses humanity finds itself embroiled in at different times. But we are still asked to obey and trust Him.

Yep.