How do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

LovebirdsFlying said:

I think hubby almost is on the point of being willing to leave with me. He doesn’t care about the age of the congregation or the mean-spirited “only joking” that goes on. He’s desensitized to the political backbiting. But the total lack of response to his cousin’s death—now, that got to him. “Legitimate concern,” he called it.

As I observed this morning when we discussed it, sometimes I am quicker to pick up on these things than he is. If, for example, it’s a television series that starts taking subtle digs at God or Christians, I’ll stop watching it but he may continue for a while. Then eventually that show will come out and say something more than subtle against God or Christians, or be outright blasphemous, and that’s when HE stops watching it. I see it coming from farther away than he does, but eventually he will see it. Same with the church. I’ve been uncomfortable there for years. He’s only just now getting to that point.

So, without even knowing about this thread, he has tasked me with the church scouting. He’ll stay put while I explore other churches and report back to him. But he does say he doesn’t want to leave without telling the pastor why.

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LovebirdsFlying said:

I've decided I'm going to go to a different church this coming Sunday, although my husband most likely won't be joining me. Unfortunately he's already blabbed to the pastor that I plan on leaving, and I would rather have broken that news on my own terms. Now the pastor is going to feel bad, because hubby has a tendency to miss patterns of behavior and think in terms of only the most recent incident. So he thinks I want to leave over just one little problem, instead of problem after problem after problem after problem.

Which means now I *have* to have a confrontation with the pastor.

And the most recent incident is this: Hubby's cousin had passed away only hours before the Sunday morning service. Because of social distancing, pastor had done away with altar calls but says to see him after service if anyone is in need of prayer. I was sitting near the pastor during the special music, and I let him know we would be meeting with him after service because of a death in our family. He heard and acknowledged me.

After service, then, hubby and pastor and I had barely started talking when pastor was distracted by somebody else walking by. He flagged her down to make sure she had turned all the lights off, and then actually walked away from us to show her where a certain light switch was. Wouldn't you think a death in the family is slightly more important than making sure the lights are off? Then he continued talking to this person and that person, just chatting, and meanwhile I gave up and just went out to the car. Hubby followed a few minutes later. I let him know what I thought of how that just played out. Hubby's defense was, "Well, he thought you were finished." Lame excuse. We hadn't even prayed. And praying was the whole point of telling him about it! Hubby then went back inside the church and returned with the pastor. We had a brief discussion beside our car, but as for the praying, it was *hubby* who ended up initiating and leading it. And he was the one who needed praying for! Total lack of support. Pastor 100% dropped the ball there. I don't know what his mind was on, but it wasn't on our need.

There's more. Pastor had been sending out what he calls covid updates. I'm not sure why he calls it that, specifically. It's sort of an email newsletter. He's discussing how his week has gone, and how service is to be handled with covid going on. Because Wednesday night prayer service has been cancelled, I didn't know of any other way to submit a prayer request and get it communicated to everybody. So I piggybacked on the pastor's circulated email to ask the congregation in general for prayer. Well, it turns out there is a prayer text system in place, but I hadn't been told about it. The only responses I received were from two deacons and the wife of a third, all telling me about that prayer text system, but NOT ACTUALLY RESPONDING to the need I stated. Furthermore, one of the deacons who told me about it noted that he has specifically asked people not to respond to the prayer requests to say they are praying, because he doesn't want his phone blowing up with texts while he's at work.

As I said, not a single solitary "sorry for your loss" from anybody, including members of the congregation who saw my piggyback email. Nobody, but nobody, but nobody has reached out.

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LovebirdsFlying said:

That’s what I was saying. So concerned about procedure and logistics that there isn’t enough space in there to respond to the spiritual need. The deacons too, since all I got from them after I reached out was, “Hey, you reached out using the wrong method.”

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LovebirdsFlying said:

My husband and I have been going to this church for some 12 years. Honestly I haven’t felt like it’s my home for most of that time. I go only because my husband goes, and I want to be with him. He is change-resistant due to social anxiety and doesn’t like to get used to new people.

Lately I’m thinking that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Church is for worshipping Jesus Christ, and my husband cannot be more important to me than He is.

One major concern is that we are among the younger members, and we’re in our 50’s. To the rest of the congregation (which was small even before the virus) we are absolute kids, and some of them talk down to us accordingly. Too many of them have a penchant for making hurtful, mean-spirited remarks and passing them off as “jokes.” There is a lot of political discussion that goes on, and they say the nastiest things about politicians they disagree with. And call that having a Christian attitude.

Over the years I’ve watched the most wonderful people move out of state, change churches themselves, or pass away. This is what is left. Young people occasionally trickle in but they don’t stay. There are no children or youth. Hubby agrees with me that the church is dying but says he doesn’t want to hasten its demise by leaving.

Pastor does preach sound doctrine from the pulpit. That’s the only thing the church has going for it. However he does frequently cite urban legends to back up his points, believing they are true stories. That might leave people thinking he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and aren’t these Christians gullible?

Plus he comes off rushed and distracted when we need him as a pastor. I would talk about the most recent thing, what happened after my husband’s cousin passed away over the weekend, but this post is getting too long. In a nutshell, too distracted by procedure and logistics, and not one “sorry for your loss” from pastor, deacon, or congregation.

So that’s where things are. Again, how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

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LovebirdsFlying said:

My husband and I have been going to this church for some 12 years. Honestly I haven’t felt like it’s my home for most of that time. I go only because my husband goes, and I want to be with him. He is change-resistant due to social anxiety and doesn’t like to get used to new people.

Lately I’m thinking that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Church is for worshipping Jesus Christ, and my husband cannot be more important to me than He is.

One major concern is that we are among the younger members, and we’re in our 50’s. To the rest of the congregation (which was small even before the virus) we are absolute kids, and some of them talk down to us accordingly. Too many of them have a penchant for making hurtful, mean-spirited remarks and passing them off as “jokes.” There is a lot of political discussion that goes on, and they say the nastiest things about politicians they disagree with. And call that having a Christian attitude.

Over the years I’ve watched the most wonderful people move out of state, change churches themselves, or pass away. This is what is left. Young people occasionally trickle in but they don’t stay. There are no children or youth. Hubby agrees with me that the church is dying but says he doesn’t want to hasten its demise by leaving.

Pastor does preach sound doctrine from the pulpit. That’s the only thing the church has going for it. However he does frequently cite urban legends to back up his points, believing they are true stories. That might leave people thinking he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and aren’t these Christians gullible?

Plus he comes off rushed and distracted when we need him as a pastor. I would talk about the most recent thing, what happened after my husband’s cousin passed away over the weekend, but this post is getting too long. In a nutshell, too distracted by procedure and logistics, and not one “sorry for your loss” from pastor, deacon, or congregation.

So that’s where things are. Again, how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

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HelenScot said:

It can be very discouraging in your walk with the Lord when you experience these types of issues at church; however, remember that there is no perfect church out there! Ultimately it is God who should make it clear to you if you should leave or not, but if there is no other church nearby at present, with sound teaching, then my advice is to stay put.

How do you know that God hasn’t set you in that church to show His love, kindness and mercy through your witness?

Pray for strength to keep honouring Him and for a change to the wrong attitudes of these people. God may be waiting to show you answers to your prayers in respect of these issues.

Try to keep setting a good example and in doing so, heap coals of fire upon their heads, and the LORD shall reward thee (Proverbs 25:22, KJV).

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NothingIsImpossible said:

Depends for me. If I see a church that appears to be dying, in some chaos and has all kinds of issues like people leaving, people being "clicky"... I leave. Problem is finding a new church. To many today have the same problem of everyone being part of a click. You may feel welcome as a guest, but past that the people you would like to spend time with are busy with their click at the church.

One church we went to had elderly members (around their 70s) and pretty much everyone was leaving because they were set in their ways and didn't want to make changes. Changes as in doing missionary work, trying to get new people in...etc. The church ended up closing down.

The church we go to now is one we went to long ago for about 12 years. We loved the church but left (I was a teen) because people were battling for positions and "I should do my ministry!" and stuff like that. Going back to it a few years ago its settled back down. And now its more diverse than ever. Young, old, black, white...etc.

There is still some click stuff going on but its not super bad.

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