Preparing now for the love-bombing I’m going to face after I leave. THEN I’ll see the cards and the calls and the texts and the “we miss you.” Is anybody familiar with love-bombing? Let’s say you’ve finally driven somebody to the point of walking away; they’re done with you; they’ve had it. Only then do you start treating them like gold. Showering them with everything they’ve ever wanted from you. Promising you’ll make it up to them. Bringing on the flowers and the candy and the serenades. Not to mention the tears and the apologies and the pleading. Until you succeed in winning them back again. At which point you slowly but surely go back to your old ways of treating them.
Of course, not falling for the love-bombing is a sure-fire way to be accused of being unforgiving and having no love in your heart. You’ll get all kinds of sermons and lectures about how if you don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive you, etc. You’ll be made to feel like a crumb if you stay away, which is why it’s a favorite technique of abusers.
When it comes to my family, from whom I walked away years ago, pastor and the church would tell me that forgiveness isn’t the same as reconciliation, and I can forgive them without ever seeing them again. I wonder if the standard will change now that it’s them I’m walking away from.
How would you deal with the love-boming?
Though you may anticipate "love" (bombing); don't anticipate that will be what happens. It didn't happen with us.
I'm a widow now and I have a developmentally disabled young adult son. We'd gone to an OPC church for 10 years. From the time my son was 6 until he was 16. In those 10 years a lot happened. We'd been in a catastrophic car accident (which left me permanently mobility impaired), my husband had had two affairs and left, later committing suicide. All this happened in the time span we were at this church.
I'd made some friends there (they still are my friends and I still maintain contact with them) but the backbiting, gossip, politicking in that church was just absolutely nuts-so crazy!
Having a son with autism and epilepsy; obviously he didn't always behave well. He was 8 years old when the accident happened and by the time he was 11 or 12; he'd deteriorated psychologically pretty seriously. He'd become frustrated and was throwing his Legos around the back of the church. So I took him into the "cry room" which no one was using and was told the second week we were in there by a woman who was on the "body life committee" that we couldn't be in there.
We spent the next 4 years in the church basement. And "ironically" that wasn't a problem until the session realized one of the other members was bringing communion down to me. Then all the sudden we "weren't participating". So we came back up stairs (but still couldn't use the empty cry room). So there were several session meetings trying to decide what to do with us; and finally they stuck us upstairs in the church library with a radio. I couldn't take communion though unless I went into the sanctuary.
The real issue though was that they would not give my son communion. And they would not give him communion because they would not baptize him because he refused to get up in front of the whole church to "formally join" to be baptized. At 16 he was baptized at an annual Christian music festival in an amusement park's hotel swimming pool by a local pastor who aided the ministry in baptizing people who wanted to be baptized. My son was OK with that, because everyone else who was there was also there to be baptized.
The church we were attending "recognized" this as a legitimate baptism; but still would not let him take communion because he wasn't a member. (Yet they let other non members take communion.) And the session; having met with the kid came to the conclusion that they believed he had genuine faith - but he still couldn't take communion; so figure that one out!
That was the point I decided it was time to leave!
Now my circumstance is a bit different than yours because I am the head of my household and my son is under my leadership authority. Whereas you and your husband have to work out between yourselves as to what you are going to do. I have the God given authority as the parent to make a unilateral decision. "We're going somewhere else."
My son is also resistant to change; but the necessary changes made have been good for him.
We'd switched churches about a year and a half ago and low and behold, discovered that if we just put a rocking chair in the back of the sanctuary for him; he could sit through a service. Currently he's having medical issues that he falls asleep. Which being 6 foot and 180lbs he runs the risk of injury if he falls out of the chair; so I bought him an appropriate rocking chair that he won't fall out of.
Something so simple though; that the lack of love and politicking from this other church would not even consider. (Compare to your own experience and we'd both have to say: "Wow; just wow people. Your "christian" love is just killing us!")
So yeah, I think you are correct in it's time to find another church and just because household member who has difficulty dealing with change doesn't want to leave; doesn't mean the move would not be good for them! Even though I'm in a different circumstance than you as far as "authority in the family" position goes.