I’m sorry. Your honest concern deserves more that a two word response (see above).
I was a Baptist from childhood to mid-teens; and then - for just over forty years - a Catholic. I was a professed Carmelite (Third Order) for some fourteen years; and - in pursuit of a vocation - spent just over a year with the Carmelites Friars at Hazlewood Castle in West Yorkshire (now a hotel!) and a year with the Cistercians at Mount Saint Bernard Abbey in Leicestershire (UK). I came to realise that my ‘vocation’ was to be as dad and granddad.
Throughout the Carmelite/Trappist years I studied the usual stuff; and had excellent teachers. I also came to know - and to love - many first-rate Christians.
My son became a Muslim in 2005; studied Classical Arabic at Leeds University and, before graduating in 2006, married a Moroccan. After graduating he moved to Morocco to further his studies. Since then he has worked as a translator and copy editor on several scholarly projects, including most recently working extensively on a multi-volume exegesis of the Qur'an, as well as translating and editing for Sunni Publications in the Netherlands. His areas of interest are Islamic History, Qur'anic Exegesis, and Sufism.
Having gained a Muslim family I thought it best to learn all I could about Islam. That was when my ball of Christianity began to unravel. It started with doubts over the doctrine of Redemption (‘origin sin’ and such) and ended, some eight years later, with the realisation that I could no longer accept the doctrine of the ‘Trinity’. This was a long - and painful - process.
I appreciate what you are trying to do; but it is not the best use of your time. In all conscience, I cannot go back to how things were.
Very best regards.
I do empathize with your situation. You must be really proud of your son's accomplishments. Any father would be. In that regards, it would be a difficult place to be in when it comes to spiritual matters. I'm not going to go picking apart your history within the Catholic church...I'm not Catholic, and throughout my own studies, prayers, talks with God, have had glaring things revealed to me about that particular said "denomination", but that's neither here nor there, just showing that I can relate to the walk. I was raised Baptist. Saved when I was 8, took the long way around through my teens and twenties to really get close to God. Studied every religion, work, myth, pyramid, geometry, you name it. Through all of it, the one thing I can look back at among all my own mistakes, was that God was always there and never left me, nor forsook me as he promised. I can relate to being curious about different viewpoints about Christ. I've probably asked the same questions you have. I do read. I am not naïve about a lot of things. The best use of my time, is to show my brother that the greatest love a man can show is that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 6:67-68 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.
If I may relay my own testimony, then I will leave you be....
I, as I said grew up in a Baptist church. Saved when I was 8, continued with church with my stepmom and dad until we just kind of stopped going...(longer story) So anyways, we were out of church for a long time. I graduated high school with honors, went to college three times, even denounced God a few times, had a ton of jobs, smoked pot, drank alcohol til I was in my 30's. My life was miserable. I had no direction, always searching for what I was meant to do. Like, Why God? Why did you make me,?? I'm intelligent and stuff, but I'm lazy and worthless. But somehow I always held on to the fact that God was always there, even when I had my tiffs with Him. I searched for some intellectual way to connect with Him. Studied everything I could. Nothing. So in my early 30's I was working for a fast food place, met a girl with two kids who was related to a co-worker, who turned my life upside down. I thought it was love. Really. I saw my life fall apart before my eyes. My family, friends, everything. She got pregnant with a little boy who I am not even sure is my son. She was sleeping with someone else. So here I am pouring my heart out for her kids, and it destroyed me. I had a car loan out, I was working at McDonald's giving her all my money, and sleeping in my car. Winter happened to be really bad, a blizzard in fact, and I got really sick. I went to the hospital with sinusitis, and bronchial pneumonia, and was undernourished. I was in bad shape. I thought no one in the entire world, let alone God, loved me. I was crying my eyes out all the time, and in this one specific night, I was praying and crying at the same time. I couldn't even understand what I was saying, let alone know what to do to get out of the hell I was in. I felt this warm like flood wash over me. And in my heart, I could see how I had been such a jerk, and knew how much my dad had loved me, how much he sacrificed for me. He gave up a 30 year marriage for me. I saw the Father's love for his Son through my dad and the way he felt for me. I saw this because of the kids I cared for. I saw the Holy Spirit work in this same way. Like a grandpa, father, and son. A trinity. In my heart, I felt how it was true. Not through words from a book, not from some teacher, not a pastor. God himself put that in my heart. In my life. From then on, it's been a tough uphill climb that keeps getting better. I've gone back to church and found an entire congregation of people who love me, and even people online who I have conversed with who share the same spirit. So I went from feeling no love, to an enormous amount of people. It feels like a fountain overflowing within, a lot.
Scholastically, I've seen in scripture where God made man in his own image... man is a trinity. Mind, body, and soul. I've asked that same thing about the trinity. Regardless what has happened to me, or what I have done, God never left me. He never left you. God is truth. His words are everlasting life. A merciful God would not have you guess as to whether or not he loves you. He would give you assurance.
I would implore you, from a real life standpoint, realize that your ball began to unravel, when you gave the doubt a place in your life. God is approachable through his Son. That means you can talk to Him.
However "unbelievable" it is that Jesus died for our sins, or that the Father could love us that much... there is a very real power that still exists. A power that rose him from the grave. Those are not empty words. Doubt will make you think that you can't ever talk to God.
With Love, your brother in Christ,