Struggling with thought of ex moving on

Ben Collyer · Jun 29, 2017

Hello all, so the other day day I made the decision to split with my girlfriend because I realised I wasnt in love with her and I didnt want to marry her...we were sortof together for 4 years

now, there is just one main thing that is tormenting me about it, the thought of her giving her love to someone else.

imagining her being intimate with someone and forgetting about me...makes me feel sick...my mind is constantly filled with thoughts of her on that first date with someone new...etc

I really feel this is going to be THE biggest barrier to me moving on completely.

I know there may be posters out there who think "well, shes not your girlfriend anymore, its nothing to do with you" but thats not going to help me or her, this is a real life situation, please be compassionate

Thankyou for your help ...

LilShepherdBoy · Jun 29, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
I know there may be posters out there who think "well, shes not your girlfriend anymore, its nothing to do with you" but thats not going to help me or her, this is a real life situation, please be compassionate

There's a simple solution. Have compassion for her too and marry her. Most women gradually lose their looks beyond age 30. And as they get older, the guys available out there gets smaller and smaller. Bottom line is it gets harder and harder for them to find someone. Four years of her best life just went down the tube.

Some guys need 20 years to fall in love. When they reach their 40's the estrogens (yes, guys can produce estrogen at a later age, which causes us to see things women knew all along) starts to kick in and they begin to realize a woman's inner qualities they never knew before. Guys are no longer consumed by outward appearances anymore.

Ben Collyer · Jun 29, 2017

LilShepherdBoy said:
There's a simple solution. Have compassion for her too and marry her. Most women gradually lose their looks beyond age 30. And as they get older, the guys available out there gets smaller and smaller. Bottom line is it gets harder and harder for them to find someone. Four years of her best life just went down the tube.

Some guys need 20 years to fall in love. When they reach their 40's the estrogens (yes, guys can produce estrogen at a later age, which causes us to see things women knew all along) starts to kick in and they begin to realize a woman's inner qualities they never knew before. Guys are no longer consumed by outward appearances anymore.

Yeah maybe 4 years of her life have been "wasted" (God can redeem our situations?) but thats not a reason for me to enter a 50 year unhappy marriage

tdidymas · Jun 29, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
Yeah maybe 4 years of her life have been "wasted" (God can redeem our situations?) but thats not a reason for me to enter a 50 year unhappy marriage

You're asking advice on little to no information. What exactly would make your marriage unhappy? Have you even discussed it with her? Obviously you are possessive/jealous about her - what makes you think you are not in love with her? What faults does she have that you cannot forgive?
TD

LilShepherdBoy · Jun 29, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
Yeah maybe 4 years of her life have been "wasted" (God can redeem our situations?)

Well it's because God is telling you to do the right thing. It's why you're constantly thinking about this.

Ben Collyer said:
but thats not a reason for me to enter a 50 year unhappy marriage

You're not getting it yet. It's the guys job to make her happy. Than God and she will make you happy. Jesus told us guys to love the wife, He never told the woman to love her husband. You're the guy, you're the leader. You lead by example just as Christ did. Love her first, make her happy first, find and fill all her needs first, and she will follow and exceed all your expectations. Do this and she'll follow you to the ends of the earth and go where ever you want to be. She'll make you more happy than you can possible imagine. All you have to do is do it first......like Christ did first for the church.

You never heard a happy wife is a happy life?

Do you know where to find the wife in Proverbs 31:10-31?

Proverbs 31:10 New King James Version (NKJV)
Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

She's the woman in front of you. She's every woman out there. A man needs to bring this out of her by doing exactly those things I wrote above.

Now if she's neglected, this is the wife the guy ends up with. Proverbs 21:9, Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 25:24.

Ben Collyer · Jun 29, 2017

tdidymas said:
You're asking advice on little to no information. What exactly would make your marriage unhappy? Have you even discussed it with her? Obviously you are possessive/jealous about her - what makes you think you are not in love with her? What faults does she have that you cannot forgive?
TD

I think im not in love with her because

1. I dont get a surge of emotions or excitement when i think about seeing her.
2. the thought of spending my life with her does not excite me
3. whenever I attempt to commit to her I get a nausea feeling or a 'pit' in my stomach
4. im not full of those 'blissful' feelings when we are together

etc

I believe what would make our marriage unhappy is the fact I do not have these feelings. how can a marriage survive when the thought of buying her a gift for her birthday feels like a task rather than a delight? everything feels like a task. as for her faults? she has very few faults

Ben Collyer · Jun 29, 2017

LilShepherdBoy said:
Well it's because God is telling you to do the right thing. It's why you're constantly thinking about this.

You're not getting it yet. It's the guys job to make her happy. Than God and she will make you happy. Jesus told us guys to love the wife, He never told the woman to love her husband. You're the guy, you're the leader. You lead by example just as Christ did. Love her first, make her happy first, find and fill all her needs first, and she will follow and exceed all your expectations. Do this and she'll follow you to the ends of the earth and go where ever you want to be. She'll make you more happy than you can possible imagine. All you have to do is do it first......like Christ did first for the church.

You never heard a happy wife is a happy life?

Do you know where to find the wife in Proverbs 31:10-31?

Proverbs 31:10 New King James Version (NKJV)
Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

She's the woman in front of you. She's every woman out there. A man needs to bring this out of her by doing exactly those things I wrote above.

Now if she's neglected, this is the wife the guy ends up with. Proverbs 21:9, Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 25:24.

hey, read my reply to Tdidymas, it might give you more context, then tell me if you think your advice still applies

God bless

LilShepherdBoy · Jun 29, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
I think im not in love with her because

Ben, when you get older, these are a few things you're gonna find out someday.

A boy becomes a man when he can finally say to himself "okay, I'm just gonna love her no matter what."

A guy goes from carnal to spiritual when he realizes that loving a woman first is a test from God.

This is all a test! Good luck Ben.

tdidymas · Jun 29, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
I think im not in love with her because

1. I dont get a surge of emotions or excitement when i think about seeing her.
2. the thought of spending my life with her does not excite me
3. whenever I attempt to commit to her I get a nausea feeling or a 'pit' in my stomach
4. im not full of those 'blissful' feelings when we are together

etc

I believe what would make our marriage unhappy is the fact I do not have these feelings. how can a marriage survive when the thought of buying her a gift for her birthday feels like a task rather than a delight? everything feels like a task. as for her faults? she has very few faults

Sounds to me like you are throwing away a perfect opportunity with a great woman for what? a whim?

OK, so your desires have waned. Survey 100 men who have been married for more than 1 year, and find out how their feelings changed over time. What makes you think that love requires blissful feelings all the time? What makes you think that blissful feelings don't require work and commitment to be maintained?

Now I am going to get brutally honest: I'm surprised that she hasn't seen through your facade already. Your response tells me that you are self-centered, and your "love" is all about your own pleasure. If you did truly love her, then your own blissful feelings would take second place to paying attention to her interests.

Christ commanded us to love as God loves, which means doing what is right for others, regardless of the way you feel about it. When you walk down that path, you begin to discover that you have power over your own feelings, and that you can make yourself feel the love you practice.

Before you make any rash decisions, at least try one thing: on a sheet of paper divided by a vertical line, write all the advantages and disadvantages of being with her and being without her (arrange it in a way that's most understandable to you - you might have to redo it several times). Then examine it carefully; but I suspect you'll make your decision long before you're done.
TD

Petros2015 · Jun 29, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
I made the decision to split with my girlfriend because I realised I wasnt in love with her

Your decision was correct, and it was an act of love for you to do so.

Ben Collyer said:
imagining her being intimate with someone and forgetting about me...makes me feel sick...my mind is constantly filled with thoughts of her on that first date with someone new...etc

This is evidence of that, it is not love. It is obsession/jealousy/selfishness/possessiveness. It is not from God or of God. Ask for it's removal.

Ben Collyer · Jun 29, 2017

Well, another thing is, even when you do find a Godly christian woman, and even are in love with them...unless God calls you to that marriage without a doubt then you should not marry them

Ben Collyer · Jun 29, 2017

tdidymas said:
Sounds to me like you are throwing away a perfect opportunity with a great woman for what? a whim?

OK, so your desires have waned. Survey 100 men who have been married for more than 1 year, and find out how their feelings changed over time. What makes you think that love requires blissful feelings all the time? What makes you think that blissful feelings don't require work and commitment to be maintained?

Now I am going to get brutally honest: I'm surprised that she hasn't seen through your facade already. Your response tells me that you are self-centered, and your "love" is all about your own pleasure. If you did truly love her, then your own blissful feelings would take second place to paying attention to her interests.

Christ commanded us to love as God loves, which means doing what is right for others, regardless of the way you feel about it. When you walk down that path, you begin to discover that you have power over your own feelings, and that you can make yourself feel the love you practice.

Before you make any rash decisions, at least try one thing: on a sheet of paper divided by a vertical line, write all the advantages and disadvantages of being with her and being without her (arrange it in a way that's most understandable to you - you might have to redo it several times). Then examine it carefully; but I suspect you'll make your decision long before you're done.
TD

does it get easier to love selflessly with practice? at the moment im really trying to wrestle against the flesh by praying about this situation but its so difficult ...i keep occilating from peace/joy and jealousy/anxiety

I mean, I prayed for her to find a husband earlier today and felt a moment of peace/joy which quickly was ousted by fleshly feelings

tdidymas · Jun 30, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
does it get easier to love selflessly with practice? at the moment im really trying to wrestle against the flesh by praying about this situation but its so difficult ...i keep occilating from peace/joy and jealousy/anxiety

I mean, I prayed for her to find a husband earlier today and felt a moment of peace/joy which quickly was ousted by fleshly feelings

I think you need to talk this out with a therapist, or at least join a Celebrate Recovery group to talk it out with other people who have similar issues (Locator). Confession face-to-face with other Christians tend to bring clarity and healing to your troubled soul.
TD

Aleksandros · Jul 1, 2017

I have struggled with this exact issue - the possessiveness, the obsessive thoughts all the time.

I even used to pray for her to find a man - and feel peace about it or like I /want/ her to. These thoughts, images, etc would keep bothering me all the time, daily. Even had dreams about it recently.

Keep praying through it; it gets better. Make sure you're obeying the Lord, keep in communion with Him and ask Him to point out your wrongs to you.

Try to avoid the opposite. One danger when you have such an issue is that you'll 'flip' to the opposite side, and WANT her to get someone else, etc.

Pray for her to get over the pain and trouble instead, and for her to have peace. Is she a believer? Then pray for her to grow closer to the Lord.

Aleksandros · Jul 1, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
does it get easier to love selflessly with practice? at the moment im really trying to wrestle against the flesh by praying about this situation but its so difficult ...i keep occilating from peace/joy and jealousy/anxiety

I mean, I prayed for her to find a husband earlier today and felt a moment of peace/joy which quickly was ousted by fleshly feelings

Don't wrestle against the flesh in your own power. Try to ask the Lord to show you how to rely on His Spirit when troubled.

Ben Collyer · Jul 1, 2017

Aleksandros said:
I have struggled with this exact issue - the possessiveness, the obsessive thoughts all the time.

I even used to pray for her to find a man - and feel peace about it or like I /want/ her to. These thoughts, images, etc would keep bothering me all the time, daily. Even had dreams about it recently.

Keep praying through it; it gets better. Make sure you're obeying the Lord, keep in communion with Him and ask Him to point out your wrongs to you.

Try to avoid the opposite. One danger when you have such an issue is that you'll 'flip' to the opposite side, and WANT her to get someone else, etc.

Pray for her to get over the pain and trouble instead, and for her to have peace. Is she a believer? Then pray for her to grow closer to the Lord.

whats wrong with wanting her to find someone?

Aleksandros · Jul 1, 2017

Ben Collyer said:
whats wrong with wanting her to find someone?

Oh no, there's nothing inherently wrong about it. I only wanted to point out to you that obsessions can often flop over into their extremes. In your case I think it is alright; but may I know if your girlfriend was a believer?

NothingIsImpossible · Jul 1, 2017

I'd also point out sometimes couples wait to long to marry and after years have gone by sometimes they are so used to each that the love dies down. Such is the case with some many married couples. The honeymoon phase is amazing. But after a year or so the same effort put into the love can slow down as you are now married and the "warm and fuzzy" feelings may diminish. Likewise its why being in a relationship so long can fizzle out. Though in your case there was other issues so its best to move on.

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