Lack of Confidence, Women, and Looks (Advice Please)

[Saucy]

Wait...I actually have to listen to her?

 

[Plenipotent]

Wait...I actually have to listen to her?

Oh, what a shame.

 

[ReesePiece23]

This is a great post! Thank you! I got a lot out of it!

You're welcome, I've always had time for you.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Wait...I actually have to listen to her?

I tend to switch off when they start talking about reality television, or the dress that some nobody wore at their best friends cousin's wedding.

Sure, I'm a listener. But there IS a limit - haha

 

[Niels]

One cool thing about realizing that a lack of confidence is holding you back is the realization that it's in your head.

The problem I keep seeing is that men seem programmed to follow stupid formulas these days, whether that be through listening to peers, or ten a penny "dating gurus" online, which I believe is not only wrong, but is 100% to blame for the misunderstandings, and this "ghosting" pandemic that seems rife within the 18-30 range.

So-called dating gurus are awful. At best they can tell you what works for them, but if they were any good at dating it's unlikely that they would take that role. The fact of the matter is that they enjoy the sense of power they get from telling others what to do, along with the clicks and money it brings.

If somebody is intent on getting input from others, rather than looking to a so-called dating guru, they should consider hiring
a professional matchmaker. At least then they stand a chance of finding someone with whom they already match, rather than becoming a fraudulent version of themselves in a vain attempt to impress people who wouldn't like them otherwise.

 

[Plenipotent]

Calling them "relationship gurus" seems a bit of a stretch. I'd say they're more like "pick-up artists" at best. Plus, what might work like a charm on one person may not have the same effect on someone else when it comes to picking up women.

Last week, I had this guy trying to hit on me while I was taking a break at work, through the fence separating our dock from the rest of the marina. He was super confident, probably just like those guru types preach. Confidence is great, but it means zilch if you can't read body language or take a simple "No, thank you." for an answer. I bet they also teach never giving up, but let me tell you, you should definitely give up when a girl tells you no. Even if she's playing hard to get, which I know some girls do, you should walk away. No sane person should waste their time on someone who wants to be chased like they're prey. This guy kept asking for my name, and I kept politely refusing, but he insisted he just wanted to know me better.

Instead of giving him any information about me, I asked him if he knew God, and he responds with, "Baby, I am a god." My initial thought wasn't, "Ooooo, so confident!" It was, "Wow, that was disgusting. This guy's full of himself. Did he really think that would work?" But I'm sure on some women, it would.

Then he started laying it on thick, saying I was a goddess, he loved my energy, and went on about how kind and polite I was, and how he liked that I was straightforward. I told him he wasn't seeing my energy, what he was seeing is called the Holy Spirit and that if that's the kind of energy he likes, then maybe if he picked up a Bible he'd find what he was looking for. And then I cut my break short because I was revolted by his presence and went back on my ship.

His approach might have worked on someone else. I can think of a few people in my life who would've fallen for that nonsense. So, I get how these "gurus'" advice might have its "uses", but probably not for building long-term, stable relationships. But I think the people who are desperate enough to need that kind of advice, aren't really interested in that in the first place.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

It's really not. It's completely and utterly worldly advice that only strengthens Saucy's insecurities (that we all face to some extent) by furthering the attitude of basing his value on appearance. That thing that's completely and utterly worthless.

"let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" -1 Peter 3:4
"beauty is vain"-Proverbs 31:30

Saucy we're all going to end up old and wrinkly and if a persons looks doesn't matter 500 years from now then they don't matter now. Congratulations on entering ministry, congratulations on losing the weight. Both of these things are monumental but the latter serves the former. Your Father loves you independent of your appearance or external circumstance and if you do your best to do the some for others you will find a partner because you won't be basing their value on things that will become dust. Keep praying and always remember that our God wasn't lying when He said "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him.".

Hi there I'm sorry for how my post came across. I read your post and agree full heartedly with your advice! However, I still stand by my own post. I reread it and feel I probably could have worded it better. I didn't mean that attractiveness is the only thing that matters. We live though in a worldly time where even though it shouldn't matter, it does. Thankfully though, attractiveness comes in all shapes and forms like I described in my post. It could be something tiny as in a crook of their mouth, or their arms, the way they laugh. It's not about whether they're the hottest person in the room. God made beauty, and it's completely okay (in my opinion) to find someone attractive. It is not okay however for that to be your only/main focus.
I noticed you said it rules out the disabled. I'm curious as to why you feel this does? I'm in a wheelchair and have never had an issue with someone finding me attractive.

 

[Niels]

Calling them "relationship gurus" seems a bit of a stretch. I'd say they're more like "pick-up artists" at best. Plus, what might work like a charm on one person may not have the same effect on someone else when it comes to picking up women.

Last week, I had this guy trying to hit on me while I was taking a break at work, through the fence separating our dock from the rest of the marina. He was super confident, probably just like those guru types preach. Confidence is great, but it means zilch if you can't read body language or take a simple "No, thank you." for an answer. I bet they also teach never giving up, but let me tell you, you should definitely give up when a girl tells you no. Even if she's playing hard to get, which I know some girls do, you should walk away. No sane person should waste their time on someone who wants to be chased like they're prey. This guy kept asking for my name, and I kept politely refusing, but he insisted he just wanted to know me better.

Instead of giving him any information about me, I asked him if he knew God, and he responds with, "Baby, I am a god." My initial thought wasn't, "Ooooo, so confident!" It was, "Wow, that was disgusting. This guy's full of himself. Did he really think that would work?" But I'm sure on some women, it would.

Then he started laying it on thick, saying I was a goddess, he loved my energy, and went on about how kind and polite I was, and how he liked that I was straightforward. I told him he wasn't seeing my energy, what he was seeing is called the Holy Spirit and that if that's the kind of energy he likes, then maybe if he picked up a Bible he'd find what he was looking for. And then I cut my break short because I was revolted by his presence and went back on my ship.

His approach might have worked on someone else. I can think of a few people in my life who would've fallen for that nonsense. So, I get how these "gurus'" advice might have its "uses", but probably not for building long-term, stable relationships. But I think the people who are desperate enough to need that kind of advice, aren't really interested in that in the first place.

Yikes.

The problem is, even when the pick-up game is effective it doesn't necessarily work for marriage-minded people. It's naive to assume that one can change somebody's character by winning them over with charm. Unless a guy is just looking to hookup it's a waste of time at best. Others are free to make bad decisions if that's what they want to do, but I'd rather not.

Which reminds me of a scene from Almost Famous that has nothing to do with dating:

 

[Plenipotent]

Yikes.

The problem is, even when the pick-up game is effective it doesn't necessarily work for marriage-minded people. It's naive to assume that one can change somebody's character by winning them over with charm. Unless a guy is just looking to hookup it's a waste of time at best. Others are free to make bad decisions if that's what they want to do, but I'd rather not.

Which reminds me of a scene from Almost Famous that has nothing to do with dating:

I agree completely.

Also...

 

[Sketcher]

The problem I keep seeing is that men seem programmed to follow stupid formulas these days, whether that be through listening to peers, or ten a penny "dating gurus" online, which I believe is not only wrong, but is 100% to blame for the misunderstandings, and this "ghosting" pandemic that seems rife within the 18-30 range.

The men who do are desperate for help and follow people who sound like they know what they're talking about. Unfortunately, these people are often full of advice that is not suited to them or their relationship goals. I really wish the church was better at helping these men. Within the church, you get advice that works for some people but not everybody, and those whom it doesn't work for are left in the dust. The "dating coaches" at least acknowledge why that original advice doesn't work, but they merely use it as a hook to sell their books or programs which are not for a God-honoring approach. So the guys within the church who need the help, after all that bad advice has been burned through, have nothing.

So, I get how these "gurus'" advice might have its "uses", but probably not for building long-term, stable relationships. But I think the people who are desperate enough to need that kind of advice, aren't really interested in that in the first place.

Every one of them I have looked into has essentially had the same type of relationship in mind - get to fornicating as fast or as reliably as you can. Which gets people practiced at finding and attracting women who are down for that, but women who are wife material are the opposite of that. And the more people do that, they adapt to that lifestyle which is the opposite direction of being better adapted to a monogamous relationship. Again, promises of being able to use this for a monogamous relationship are part of the hook to sell books and workshops, but when they're not even interested in having these relationships, their uses are limited at best.

But what you're running into is the salesman-like approach that they push, make a hundred offers and you might get one yes. I'm sure you can draw the parallels between these guys and bad salesmen who are tying to sell you anything else.

 

[TheLastGeek]

Wait...I actually have to listen to her?

Sorry, what?

 

[TheLastGeek]

I tend to switch off when they start talking about reality television, or the dress that some nobody wore at their best friends cousin's wedding.

Sure, I'm a listener. But there IS a limit - haha

I mean, I'm a girl and I tune that nonsense out whenever my fellow females start with it, lol. I really do not understand the whole gabby thing with most women. I just stay in my corner.

 

[Lost4words]

OP, you are an awesome person! I applaud you with what you have done in your life. You are a real inspiration my friend.

You will find the love of your life! How? Because God hears you. He will guide you.

Pray and dont worry. Be persistent in prayer. Be confident that God knows your heart and your desires. He wants you to be happy.

God bless you friend.

 

[TheLastGeek]

It's crucial to remember that every person is different. Every person - both male and female - will be attracted to different things. Sure, there are some general guidelines that apply to just about everyone. Common sense things like, have good personal hygiene, don't be an abuser, etc. But there's a wide, wide spectrum of traits for human beings. And each person will find a unique combination of them attractive in other people. There is no one "formula" for all men or all women. There just isn't.

One man of my acquaintance who I find utterly and wholly attractive, does not fit into the ridiculous "what ALL women want!" tripe. He is very quiet, reserved, and humble. He doesn't flaunt anything about himself or seek attention from anyone. He's an honest, hard worker. He's intelligent, studious, and enjoys learning new things and improving his mind. He is profoundly kind and generous to those he loves. His sense of humor is subtle and rarely shared publicly, and is absolutely endearing. He is thoughtful, uplifting, encouraging, compassionate.

Other women may prefer men who are outgoing, ambitious, athletic, sociable, charismatic, gregarious, etc, etc, etc. And that's totally fine.

Don't try to become like other people in order to be attractive. Try to become the best version of YOU.

 

[Saucy]

It's crucial to remember that every person is different. Every person - both male and female - will be attracted to different things. Sure, there are some general guidelines that apply to just about everyone. Common sense things like, have good personal hygiene, don't be an abuser, etc. But there's a wide, wide spectrum of traits for human beings. And each person will find a unique combination of them attractive in other people. There is no one "formula" for all men or all women. There just isn't.

One man of my acquaintance who I find utterly and wholly attractive, does not fit into the ridiculous "what ALL women want!" tripe. He is very quiet, reserved, and humble. He doesn't flaunt anything about himself or seek attention from anyone. He's an honest, hard worker. He's intelligent, studious, and enjoys learning new things and improving his mind. He is profoundly kind and generous to those he loves. His sense of humor is subtle and rarely shared publicly, and is absolutely endearing. He is thoughtful, uplifting, encouraging, compassionate.

Other women may prefer men who are outgoing, ambitious, athletic, sociable, charismatic, gregarious, etc, etc, etc. And that's totally fine.

Don't try to become like other people in order to be attractive. Try to become the best version of YOU.

Thanks so much

 

[Saucy]

OP, you are an awesome person! I applaud you with what you have done in your life. You are a real inspiration my friend.

You will find the love of your life! How? Because God hears you. He will guide you.

Pray and dont worry. Be persistent in prayer. Be confident that God knows your heart and your desires. He wants you to be happy.

God bless you friend.

Thank you! I appreciate it!

 

[Saucy]

Part of this whole thing that I didn't adequately convey is doing ministry alone. I guess what I've been struggling with is that being a pastor is much more than just preaching and teaching. I'll be counseling and helping people through the most difficult parts of their lives. I'm going to be doing that...then I'm going to go home and be alone. No one to help me unburden. No one to serve with.

I don't know why this is so hard on me. I was fine being single for the longest time. All of a sudden, this crushing loneliness hit me. It's hitting me again tonight. I know I've been joking around lately, so that's been nice, but I've been in a funk. I apologize if I've gone too far with the joking.

 

[timewerx]

I don't know why this is so hard on me. I was fine being single for the longest time. All of a sudden, this crushing loneliness hit me. It's hitting me again tonight. I know I've been joking around lately, so that's been nice, but I've been in a funk. I apologize if I've gone too far with the joking.

Have you been seeing more people lately and seeing more couples, seeing how they seem comfortable and starting to long to be a couple as well making you feel empty inside?

It may be gift of discernment or something else but I'm getting deeper understanding of people just by looking at their faces.

Most couples when I see them and I mean including Christian couples, I see emptiness and unhappiness. They have a void that could not be filled. Sure they attend church, get into ministry, have accepted the Lord Jesus but the void remains.

I also feel the same thing when I see single men and women. Both Christians and unbelievers.

They put up a false facade of happiness, contentment, and prosperity but I sense strong insecurity and emptiness within them.

To those who are somewhat happy, their happiness is based on something temporary. Take it away and they'll be just as miserable as everybody else. They dread the day it's taken from them. They fear the end of their life.

I myself is dealing with big, heavy things but nothing related to being single.

Now I think to myself, if everyone's miserable, what's the point then?

 

[TheLastGeek]

Part of this whole thing that I didn't adequately convey is doing ministry alone. I guess what I've been struggling with is that being a pastor is much more than just preaching and teaching. I'll be counseling and helping people through the most difficult parts of their lives. I'm going to be doing that...then I'm going to go home and be alone. No one to help me unburden. No one to serve with.

I don't know why this is so hard on me. I was fine being single for the longest time. All of a sudden, this crushing loneliness hit me. It's hitting me again tonight. I know I've been joking around lately, so that's been nice, but I've been in a funk. I apologize if I've gone too far with the joking.

You haven't gone too far. Humor is how we deal with the darker parts of human existence sometimes.

Most people are not meant to be alone forever. Many people go through seasons of singleness and are perfectly content. But another season comes, and they crave companionship, and this is absolutely, totally normal, natural, and healthy. It is not a weakness, it is not a spiritual failing. It is how we are designed as human beings. God saw it wasn't good for man to be alone. SOME people have a special calling to remain alone for the sake of ministry, but MOST people do not.

I have no doubt that you will find someone to share that future life with, Saucy. If you are patient and steadfast and hopeful. Avoid the traps of bitterness, envy, desperation, the "p" word, and other forms of escapism. If you are completely certain that you're called to be a minister, then chase that life with all of your passion, and remain in a state of "hopeful expectation" for your bride to cross paths with you at the appointed time. You'll know her when you find her <3

 

[peaceful-forest]

...I'm going to be doing that...then I'm going to go home and be alone. No one to help me unburden. No one to serve with.

I don't know why this is so hard on me. I was fine being single for the longest time. All of a sudden, this crushing loneliness hit me. It's hitting me again tonight. I know I've been joking around lately, so that's been nice, but I've been in a funk.

There's nothing wrong with your desires. I think I struggle with loneliness in my 30s more compared to my 20s.

You have a God-given desire that is not being fulfilled and it's taking a toll on you.

I've prayed for you.