Being Single: Gender Perspectives

[peaceful-forest]

After a conversation came up in the "What's on your mind?" thread (What's on your mind?) I think we can have a discussion from both genders about our experiences being single (whether positive or negative).


I'll start with my experience:

I was saved when I was 19. There was only one single guy at church. Long story short, he picked someone else. I've tried online dating. It was unsuccessful and I am repulsed by it now.

I will admit that I was clueless and foolish back then on what I wanted in a guy. I focused on looks instead of personality, values, and beliefs. That's one of the reasons why I wasn't able to get a man back then.

It's hard to find single men at church. They date young and marry young. Even though I was young myself, I had missed the boat on getting a man (however I do believe God has someone special for me in the future, so it's not a permanent thing). I know some churches are against having a singles group for various reasons. The last church I was a member of, their explanation was "we have more important things to focus on". This was coming from a big and rich church. I tried another church that did have a singles group, but stopped going due to a non-Biblical teaching they promoted in a sermon.

I did date a guy that was not a Christian last year. I know that's wrong. We had started out as friends then slowly crossed the line of being more than friends. I regret being with him and I have repented. As of now I am not dating.

 

[Jonaitis]

I've always attributed my own singleness to my location. In a state of 500,000 people, there are very few Christian women around my age that aren't already married or attend churches. I've tried online dating once, and I almost hit it off with someone through phone calls and video chat, but she was too insistent on frequent visitations (she lived in Florida) and wanted to get married within six months. I haven't had any luck after that.

I have dated non-Christian women in the past, but I do not entirely recommend it.

 

[LoveDivine]

I think this is a good idea for a thread discussion.In my case, I had several opportunities to get married, but I never felt comfortable or right about the person. I never dated any non-believers, but unfortunately, the Christian guys I did get to know did not seem to have any real spiritual interest. I think you need to have some confidence in a person. I never felt that. I am still very much open to the possibility if I meet the right person. I have tried online dating. I think it is good to put yourself out there however you can to increase your chances of meeting a good match. Our ideal match might not live in our community. I think marriage is a very practical thing: you need someone who is a good match for you on a natural and spiritual level. Some of us may just not live in areas that have a lot of Christians or Christians who are a good personality match. I do think logistics is a problem or issue for a lot of single Christians.

I want to add that I don't think my experiences have really anything to do with "men" having issues or being a certain way or anything negative like that. I think in general, it is difficult to meet committed Christians of either gender and I am sure my experiences would have been the same if I had been a guy looking for a wife.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I am 33, single. Spent most of middle and high school being rejected. I was always told I was not their type. Never once had an explanation what they meant and what their type was. I fell into some medical issues that turned out to be MS among a few other things later that made my last 2 years of high school not so great. Never went to homecoming, never went to prom. I volunteered at church between operating and shading cameras. Never spoke to anyone in the church except through headset. Stopped going after being burned out by it all. Tried attending other churches only to get that dreadful feeling of being alone and being surrounded by families and couples that made me feel alone. I always got the weird stares from them and just quit going. None of them even had singles groups as one member explained that there were not enough to warrant such a group. I'm not even a Chreaster (Christian who only attends Christmas and Easter church services) anymore. Being single kinda stinks in a lot of aspects but I honestly prefer it. If I had a really big issue with it, I'd have hopefully fixed it by now. My health has made certain things challenging and I realize I am just not the type that is desired by women. I'd probably be active in a church or community if I was in a relationship. Being a single male at 33 starts to raise suspicion from people, especially if kids are around. I don't want that stigma.

In the words of a favorite Mark Knopfler song of mine, "it is what it is"

 

[Citanul]

I was a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in dating at high school, and when I went to university my focus was on my studies and I didn't spend a lot of time getting to know people. That's people of both genders as I'm a textbook definition of an introvert and I have a tendency to keep to myself a lot, arguably too much.

As a result, I only went on my first date in my 30s. That was through online dating, which has been the only way I've managed to actually get dates, although it's has at times been rather frustrating with periods of no interest from anyone and my longest relationship was about 3-4 months.

At the same time I embarked on online dating I started making an effort to be more social, and I discovered Meetup, which can be a good way of discovering activities to do, although it is one of those things that can be very area dependent. I haven't gone to any meetups with the specific intention of meeting women as that's a bit creepy, but obviously putting yourself out there does improve your chances.

But while I have found met new people, there seems to be a dearth of women my age (late 30s/early 40s). Many of the events I've attended have been mostly women, but they tend to be early 30s/younger or over 50. Single women in my target age range do exist because I see them on dating apps, but they don't seem to be hanging out in the places I find myself.

As for church, I still attend the church I grew up in... kind of. It's a church which caters to an area that tends to be somewhere where you settle down with a family. It's not the most affordable for single people, and so as people grow up and leave home they tend to end up living elsewhere and attending churches that are either closer to where they live and/or have more people their own age.

I'm still living in the area, so I've stayed at the church, in a big part because the thought of venturing to another church and encountering people I didn't know was very daunting and I was never brave enough to step out of my comfort zone. But I also got involved in playing in the worship band, so by staying I was able to do something which I enjoyed and also served a larger purpose. However, it has meant that dating options were pretty much non-existent, and even fellowship opportunities have been limited.

Going back to the "kind of" part, my church closed during COVID, and while I have been back a few time since it reopened, it's really only the older folk who are still attending and I haven't spotted any of the handful of younger people who had been attending previously, and I've become rather discouraged about attending. I know that I should be trying to find another church, but I'm not really sure where I should try, and the not wanting to walk into a place with a bunch of strangers thing has been too dominant. I also don't want to be going to church purely to meet women, but I'll concede that may just be me trying to find excuses not to get off my butt and make some effort.

 

[timewerx]

Always poor luck. Sometimes, I think my misfortunes are either God or the devil wanting me to remain single for the rest of my life.

I used to be confident and many other things but lost it. I did almost got into long term relationship and possibly marriage with a really nice lady my age who really likes me and also Christian. We're in our early twenties that time.

Since then I never came across another where we had mutual attraction.

 

[DragonFox91]

The church I went to in high school was small. 6 girls. All super-hyper (not really my type) plus didn't take their faith seriously, if they even had it.

Church in college in regards to choices was better. The girls were very faithful. But I was content w/ being their freinds during church activities, I couldn't see myself w/ any of them, plus I was still working on being comfortable in my own skin (something I struggled w/ in high school & before).

I graduated 9 years ago. Now church groups I've attended multiple times skew 10 guys to 2 girls. I've all but given up church-shopping believing there will be a girl for there for me to date & now just attend church w/ family.

I have been single & wanted to get married since I was little.

 

[Lost Witness]

I've been single off and on throughout life, but I've never sought relationships they happened when they happened but to be fair,
I've always been an 'equal opportunist' when it came to relationships for the most part,
which hadn't changed till recently after coming Back to the LORD.
Now I know I'd Prefer to be single Unless the LORD has something else in Mind.
I've never really had a "type"
the "types" i did have, i realized one day just weren't practical.
i wasn't going to date a supermodel that reminded me of Lydia Deetz

 

[mojoboy31]

I think this is a good idea for a thread discussion.In my case, I had several opportunities to get married, but I never felt comfortable or right about the person. I never dated any non-believers, but unfortunately, the Christian guys I did get to know did not seem to have any real spiritual interest. I think you need to have some confidence in a person. I never felt that. I am still very much open to the possibility if I meet the right person. I have tried online dating. I think it is good to put yourself out there however you can to increase your chances of meeting a good match. Our ideal match might not live in our community. I think marriage is a very practical thing: you need someone who is a good match for you on a natural and spiritual level. Some of us may just not live in areas that have a lot of Christians or Christians who are a good personality match. I do think logistics is a problem or issue for a lot of single Christians.

I want to add that I don't think my experiences have really anything to do with "men" having issues or being a certain way or anything negative like that. I think in general, it is difficult to meet committed Christians of either gender and I am sure my experiences would have been the same if I had been a guy looking for a wife.

I can say that the lack of Christians in certain areas is legit. Supposedly I live in the most "Godless" area in the U.S. Unsurprisingly, I have had trouble meeting Christian women xD
My issues though, go beyond that of course.

I was a very late bloomer to the working world, was very much a shut-in until I was 26. Homeschooled, not many friends growing up, and the friends I did have were just as socially awkward as I was. The churches we attended were small, and our fellowships never seemed to last very long as they would support things that weren't biblical, and were against God's Word.
So I never had many church friends or church crushes.

I was just suddenly thrown to the sharks in the deep end on Overnight shifts at Walmart. Where people came in with no sleep, full of rage and energy drinks, and yall just hoped no one would die

My only dating experience to that point was an online relationship with a Christian girl I met on a forum, and exchanged novel length messages with daily for about 3 years before she pushed things in a romantic direction. She wasn't the right one, and after I told my family about our relationship and our plans to eventually move to the same place someday, she dumped me for another guy she had been seeing on the side.

So socially, I didn't know how to talk to girls at all. I mean at all. I would think I was doing "okay", then I'd hear from others how they think I'm the most awkward man on the planet

It was really hard, being so far behind everyone else's life stages, being tossed in the deep end, and basically just playing sink or swim.
It's hard to have any self-esteem when you don't feel like you're on equal footing with anyone. And self-esteem is so important in dating.

I would say my biggest issue, apart from being somewhere that has a low population of Christians: is self-esteem. I've always had pretty low self-esteem.
I'm getting better, and I've gotten much better than back then. I'm really so much better now than I was.

My other problem is having high standards. Some would say too high. For me, Christian is a requirement, but not just, oh I wear a cross necklace, and say my prayers sometimes. . . I want someone as "in it" as I am. I want their walk with The LORD to be the most important thing in their life, as I strive to make it mine.

I want someone kind, smart, strong, hardworking, and patient, etc. Looks and shallow things aren't very high on my priorities, but the things I do make a priority are rare, and hard to find. And this is where self-esteem feeds the problem: if a girl like that exists, she's gotta be taken by now, and if by some miracle she isn't taken, what in the world would she want with someone like me?

It took me way too long to figure out, the best thing I can do, if I'm struggling to find a mate, is to trust in God's plan, amd to focus on improving myself, and enjoying my life as is. We only get one life to walk on this Earth, should we really waste it, by being all mopey and depressed because of this one thing we lack? Should we really forsake other joy and the immense comforts he gives us?

My singleness is not caused by "wicked worldly women", or feminists, or what have you.

 

[Miles]

I've been single for most of my adult life. Although I had several female Christian friends in college, they didn't have particularly active dating lives either. One was a mutual crush, but I suffered an injury that put a damper on my social life. Not just dating but other social activities. My focus then turned to my studies. Unfortunately, I was in my early 20s at the time. I was out of it for a few years before making a full recovery. Then came adult responsibilities, a career, etc. I've only met a few remotely compatible Christian women over the years and I'm in my mid 40s now.

Most I've dated either tried to move too fast, came from families with disturbing dynamics (that they expected to continue), or otherwise wanted very different things in life. If they're not a reasonably good match, I'd rather remain single. I can wait. My parents and most others in my extended family have good marriages so maybe I'm spoiled. They tended to meet by their mid 20s or early 30s, however, so I may have missed the boat. I'm still healthy, active, and want a like minded partner who is a sweetheart if I'm to marry at all.

I don't care for the dynamics of the contemporary dating scene, including dating sites and apps, so I mostly avoid that sort of thing. Occasionally chatting or having coffee with women if they seem interesting enough, but I'm not actively looking. Not that this happens often, as I work in a field overrun by men and atheists and rarely meet random women at the grocery store or wherever people expect to meet organically these days.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

but unfortunately, the Christian guys I did get to know did not seem to have any real spiritual interest.

Could you elaborate on this please?

Anyways, here are sometimes me and Christian women clash.

Though, I want a Christian woman...I find I clash in certain areas. For instance, I had went to a convention and had taken photos of people in a Christmas horror costumes. Like Krampus or a werewolf wearing festive attire, which was kind of fun looking

This Christian woman I was getting to know, saw these posts on my Facebook and realized we wouldn't be compatible based on that. Somehow I was...I dunno...promoting demonic content on my page. I tend to be a sci-fi/horror geek (more sci-fi than horror). I see it as pure entertainment, but she saw it as..how she put it, "Makes her run into the arms of Christ!"

I was thinking "Man, don't be so dramatic!"

I find that my interests in the geek world is off-putting to Christian women. Where I'm sure some wouldn't have a problem with it.

I also have a female friend that took her Christianity to the next level to the point where we no longer were movie buddies we once were, due to the content in said movies. Threw me for a loop. Although, she had some issues going on with an ex, when she found out he re-married. It hit her pretty hard and ramped up her spiritual situation...taking it to the next level. So that may had something to do with it, too.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I was a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in dating at high school, and when I went to university my focus was on my studies and I didn't spend a lot of time getting to know people. That's people of both genders as I'm a textbook definition of an introvert and I have a tendency to keep to myself a lot, arguably too much.

As a result, I only went on my first date in my 30s. That was through online dating, which has been the only way I've managed to actually get dates, although it's has at times been rather frustrating with periods of no interest from anyone and my longest relationship was about 3-4 months.

At the same time I embarked on online dating I started making an effort to be more social, and I discovered Meetup, which can be a good way of discovering activities to do, although it is one of those things that can be very area dependent. I haven't gone to any meetups with the specific intention of meeting women as that's a bit creepy, but obviously putting yourself out there does improve your chances.

But while I have found met new people, there seems to be a dearth of women my age (late 30s/early 40s). Many of the events I've attended have been mostly women, but they tend to be early 30s/younger or over 50. Single women in my target age range do exist because I see them on dating apps, but they don't seem to be hanging out in the places I find myself.

As for church, I still attend the church I grew up in... kind of. It's a church which caters to an area that tends to be somewhere where you settle down with a family. It's not the most affordable for single people, and so as people grow up and leave home they tend to end up living elsewhere and attending churches that are either closer to where they live and/or have more people their own age.

I'm still living in the area, so I've stayed at the church, in a big part because the thought of venturing to another church and encountering people I didn't know was very daunting and I was never brave enough to step out of my comfort zone. But I also got involved in playing in the worship band, so by staying I was able to do something which I enjoyed and also served a larger purpose. However, it has meant that dating options were pretty much non-existent, and even fellowship opportunities have been limited.

Going back to the "kind of" part, my church closed during COVID, and while I have been back a few time since it reopened, it's really only the older folk who are still attending and I haven't spotted any of the handful of younger people who had been attending previously, and I've become rather discouraged about attending. I know that I should be trying to find another church, but I'm not really sure where I should try, and the not wanting to walk into a place with a bunch of strangers thing has been too dominant. I also don't want to be going to church purely to meet women, but I'll concede that may just be me trying to find excuses not to get off my butt and make some effort.

Funny you mentioned Meetup. I missed Meetup in the heyday where there were very few groups that existed, and people routinely showed up. Now it's saturated with a lot of groups, where half or more the people that RSVP are no-shows or people come and go from these groups before you can get any kind of familiarity with them.

So Meetups are more of a revolving door. I have to laugh at some of the people in these groups, they join over a 100 of them, and they probably barely set foot in 2.

Some check out the pictures on the RSVP list and if no one is cute enough, they won't attend.

 

[Sir Robbins]

Could you elaborate on this please?

Anyways, here are sometimes me and Christian women clash.

Though, I want a Christian woman...I find I clash in certain areas. For instance, I had went to a convention and had taken photos of people in a Christmas horror costumes. Like Krampus or a werewolf wearing festive attire, which was kind of fun looking

This Christian woman I was getting to know, saw these posts on my Facebook and realized we wouldn't be compatible based on that. Somehow I was...I dunno...promoting demonic content on my page. I tend to be a sci-fi/horror geek (more sci-fi than horror). I see it as pure entertainment, but she saw it as..how she put it, "Makes her run into the arms of Christ!"

I was thinking "Man, don't be so dramatic!"

I find that my interests in the geek world is off-putting to Christian women. Where I'm sure some wouldn't have a problem with it.

I also have a female friend that took her Christianity to the next level to the point where we no longer were movie buddies we once were, due to the content in said movies. Threw me for a loop. Although, she had some issues going on with an ex, when she found out he re-married. It hit her pretty hard and ramped up her spiritual situation...taking it to the next level. So that may had something to do with it, too.

some people take things way too seriously. I LOVE horror films and have many collectable figures of iconic villians from the likes of Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and so on. I also love Iron Maiden, my favorite band. 2 of my tattoos are of their mascot. I would just be guessing that I too would suffer your fate if I met these kind of women. I knew a woman who would not let her kids play pokemon back in the 90s because it literally translated to pocket demons. Her kids never saw one of the greatest Christmas films of all time either, Gremlins because they were monsters. I feel sorry for these kids when they move out on their own and face the world without their mother's protection. She has likely made their adult lives a nightmare

 

[Lost Witness]

this Christian woman I was getting to know, saw these posts on my Facebook and realized we wouldn't be compatible based on that. Somehow I was...I dunno...promoting demonic content on my page.

idolatry of evil Halloween is a Pagan Holiday after all
Some Of Us Just Take things the way we're brought to taking them after being Born Again.
At least that's what my experience was

 

[Lost Witness]

some people take things way too seriously.

Not sure why someone wouldn't take their soul or the LORDS sacrifice Seriously?
Or even a potential wife or in her case husband?
I think what's important here is that each of us follow the LORD in the way he's intended as we're called to do

 

[Sir Robbins]

Not sure why someone wouldn't take their soul or the LORDS sacrifice Seriously?
Or even a potential wife or in her case husband?
I think what's important here is that each of us follow the LORD in the way he's intended as we're called to do

Not sure how watching a movie and dressing up for fun and entertainment will tarnish someone's soul but, you are entitled to your opinion. Remember, Christianity is a relationship, not a religion. I agree that everyone has their interpretation and follow the way they believe they should. Nothing wrong there. I just think many people throw away oppurtunities when they become narrow and close-minded to others.

 

[Lost Witness]

narrow

Road

 

[ThisIsMe123]

some people take things way too seriously. I LOVE horror films and have many collectable figures of iconic villians from the likes of Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and so on. I also love Iron Maiden, my favorite band. 2 of my tattoos are of their mascot. I would just be guessing that I too would suffer your fate if I met these kind of women. I knew a woman who would not let her kids play pokemon back in the 90s because it literally translated to pocket demons. Her kids never saw one of the greatest Christmas films of all time either, Gremlins because they were monsters. I feel sorry for these kids when they move out on their own and face the world without their mother's protection. She has likely made their adult lives a nightmare

Yeah, being from the 80s, remember when Dungeons and Dragons was considered some kind of demonic stuff? They even made a movie "Mazes and Monsters" starring Tom Hanks (one of his first flicks), demonizing the game.

Now it's more widely accepted.

I go to these conventions a lot. I used to chuckle at the San Diego Comic Con where Christians are holding up signs outside for those attending. Of course, I cant remember if it's a protest or a recruitment attempt?

 

[Sir Robbins]

Yeah, being from the 80s, remember when Dungeons and Dragons was considered some kind of demonic stuff? They even made a movie "Mazes and Monsters" starring Tom Hanks (one of his first flicks), demonizing the game.

Now it's more widely accepted.

I go to these conventions a lot. I used to chuckle at the San Diego Comic Con where Christians are holding up signs outside for those attending. Of course, I cant remember if it's a protest or a recruitment attempt?

I remember the days of the Westboro Baptist church protests that they always put on. It had 37 members back then and the media made them look like a big deal. They protested everything, even men cooking instead of their wives lol

 

[DragonFox91]

So a lot of guys (a few at least) say a lot of the women they know are in relationships. So my question to the women on here is (besides yourself) would you say that’s a fair assessment of girls you know, like your girl friends & others?