Being Single: Gender Perspectives

[LoveDivine]

So a lot of guys (a few at least) say a lot of the women they know are in relationships. So my question to the women on here is (besides yourself) would you say that’s a fair assessment of girls you know, like your girl friends & others?

I would say so. Mind you, I am 38. It could be different for younger women. Almost all my female friends or coworkers are married or in relationships. I work in a very female dominated profession and it is seems that most have boyfriends/ spouses. Some have been divorced etc and are actively looking to meet a guy.

I wouldn't get discouraged though. I think you just need to be strategic with your approach. There are plenty of singles on dating sites, etc. I would spend your time looking for connections with women who you know are definitely single: ones that have dating profiles, post in singles forums or groups, attend singles events, etc. If they are doing that, you also know that they are hoping to start a relationship. It might take awhile to connect with someone, but at least your efforts have some chance for success. I hope that helps.

 

[GodBeMercifulToMeASinner]

I don’t believe in the term ‘gender’ as it is a heterophobic, oppressive, manphobic, and womanphobic slur used by people of the queernormative secular humanist demisexual non-binaryarchy. That was a joke, sort of. There’s man, woman, marriage, and sodomy. That is all. And to any ladies out there who discriminate against unvaccinated males as potential partners..I identify as vaccinated. I also identify as double boosted..so we’re good.

Kind of joking aside, I was raised in a Pagan/cultural Christian in name only type upbringing. So a bad start. I absolutely loved sin. Engaged in many. The first girl I ever dated was a product of manmade corporate denominationist religion and an unbiblical CEO modern pastor. Unfortunately to this day I still drive past that same building all the time LOL. I will not get into what denomination, but I will say however, after converting and doing research, it explains a lot. I was very young, very stupid. Was pressured by her friend at school (who I actually really liked) to go out with her. So I gave in wanting to make her happy. Then I sort of fell for her I suppose, and well things just didn’t turn out quite well. So that was one of the events in my life that made me shun manmade denominational religion. Here I’m thinking oh this is a nice, proper, chaste Christian girl, what a fine catch for me..nope.

With the majority of people, I was always cautious..selective of who I consort with particularly dating-wise. So before and after the first girl I dated I pretty much avoided other opportunities. Then one day, through some other girls who wanted to date me, I met what I was hoping to be my future wife. Turns out they all lied to me from the start but I for whatever reason liked this girl and thought she really liked me too. But the longer we were together I became quite unsure..I loved her and all, but there was things which made me wonder if it was right to marry her..plus I was an unestablished person with no worldly success to my name, I felt it would be best to be established and all before marrying. Even as an unrepentant sinner in full defiance to God, I was quite sickened by her view on a particular subject due to a few late periods. Something about ‘if either me or so-n-so (her BFF) get pregnant we made a deal to hit each other in the stomach with baseball bats). Wow! And I was about as satanic as could be at that time in my life and wanted to puke. So perhaps she really wasn’t ever this warm loving person she and her friends and her family wanted me to believe she was. Or maybe she was just well meaning and highly indoctrinated into the world system, likely a bit of both.

I was also stuck in lowly jobs which I hated, and going to college for something I had no interest in..was railroaded into it by others around me, because mUh mOnEY aNd MuH bEnEfItS pACkAgE aNd mUh 401k tHo. We were together 8 years, and as previously with the other gal..things did not end well. When she tried getting back in contact with me I just ignored her and it was a good 2 years or so before I even showed any interest in a woman. Was heavily into escapeism/hobbies and what not in that time. Couldn’t be bothered.

Then I met someone who was another product of the manmade religious system. But wow, she was beautiful and seemed so sweet. I couldn’t believe she even showed any interest in me. Things seemed too good to be true. And our first date was one of the few days in my life where literally everything went perfectly. But it turns out she had recently dumped someone who wasn’t quite ready to let go and this poor dude was always blowing up her phone when I was with her and even as an unsaved heathen living like the devil I sort of felt bad for that guy. And turns out she wasn’t as sweet as I had thought and hoped. But that didn’t end so badly, she will always have a friend here, but I started to sort of give up on ever finding someone.

Then came the biggest mistake of my life as far as dating/relationships go. This one really fooled me also. She was into the New Age way of life; and even as an unsaved person loving all my sin to the fullest..I thought that New Age stuff she was into was the biggest load of nonsense I had ever heard in my entire life. I really liked her at first. But the more time I spent with her, well..let’s just say when things ended I didn’t really care. And now I thank God they did. He really was having mercy on me even as a chief of sinners. Turns out she was quite arrogant, self-important, a complete drunk. She gave me this book with all this New Age garbage..it was like reading a bunch of fortune cookie papers arranged in paragraphs..I threw it away and lied about having read it LOL. I remember how she just always kept going on and on about how great she was and how great her life and career were going to be and all her really cool friends from college and her really cool professor who hung out and got drunk with his own students. I remember saying to her “I don’t know what is so great about that guy..he never left school; never moved on to real life, those are the biggest losers of all.” I’ll never forget how she looked at me when I said that LOL..but I know that is one of the things she liked about me is that I was quite a bit different than what she was used to. Eventually I just got tired of her and started to wish I never met her. Plus all this new age garbage she tried getting into just gave me a headache. I pretty much gave up on finding anyone after that, wasn’t having much a good time or success. Became involved in escapism/hobbies even more and just didn’t really care.

Then, by the mercy of God He reached down and allowed for me to take my first step out of the sewer one spring evening a few years back. I converted, and sort of had some hope in the beginning would be in a relationship again. I was on fire for God but fell into the devil’s backup plan for new converts..false teachers. As a new believer I was lacking heavily in wisdom and discernment..struggled with understanding. I became confused as to all these various doctrines of various denominations and whatnot. I regularly prayed for wisdom, discernment; to be led to sound doctrine proclaimed by Godly men. But I let the flesh win out. I only heard what I wanted to. Was encouraged by these deceivers to let my guard down, eventually returned to multiple sins which I repented of. How I like to put it, for me the carnal desires are like a fire; and soft, weak, sin-enabling doctrines of man spewed by modern CEO pastors is like pouring gas on that fire.

Then things would happen, usually pretty lousy situations that would cause me to turn back and beg God for His forgiveness. He pulled me out of multiple sins/vomit which I had returned to. One night I had a dream which involved an ex I was with the longest. Would happen from time to time, no big deal. Never cared. But this time it sort of bothered me..had me wondering was I even over this person? I was also in much sin at the time. I turned back to God, repented of the sin I was involved in, and sought to finally deal with this relationship ending via His word, rather than escapism and hobbies like I did in the past. I was genuinely confused. I thought I was totally over this person long ago, not long after things ended. I was wondering if I did right by ignoring her attempts to contact me years ago. She was barely a thought in my head over the years. But God’s word encourages us to not look back. Plus she held many feminist views and highly ungodly ways. Despite what she may have believed, we both deserved each other LOL, being Christ rejecting, worldly, sinful people in a sinful relationship. So I prayed for the ex because I remembered she had a pagan view of telling me ‘you’re a good person you’ll go to heaven’ which horrified me. Of course things did not end well but that’s over and done with I wouldn’t want even my worst enemy to spend a second in hell. I told God I forgive her as I wish to be forgiven as well. I even considered trying to contact her in order to give her the true gospel rather than the manmade denominational version which she is likely to have heard, out of genuine concern for her soul. I genuinely felt awful having engaged in various sins with her; but it occurred to me, we were both unrepentant sinners living in defiance to God it wasn’t like she was some Godly sweetheart who deserved better than I. I asked God’s forgiveness for having been a failure as a man in that relationship and bad influence. But at the end of the day, she got what she deserved and I did also. I don’t think it was fun for either of us in the end. As people living in defiance to God you really deserve no better.

So I am definitely over this person, perhaps the enemy was messing with my mind and whenever that or some other crappy situation happens it just makes me turn back to and lean on God harder than ever. But I did enjoy many aspects of being in a long term relationship and have recently had the desire to be married someday. Mainly because, if there was that many things about it which I enjoyed as a godless completely worldly unrepentant sinner doing things the way of the world..how much better would it be as a follower of Christ, with a Godly woman; and doing things God’s way rather than the world’s? Which often leads to abysmal failure. I’ve never been in a biblical relationship with a woman my entire life and I think that absolutely sucks. I surely do not care for my last time being with someone being in sin/fornication. Especially with some woman who was into all this weird New Age nonsense. I want a chance to do things God’s way. I do believe He knows what is best for me better than I do, if it is His will it will happen, if not His will I hope it doesn’t, and may I be content in any situation as Paul says.

But there’s many things I find desirable about a relationship and I’ve only had worldly, ungodly relationships, just seems to me that God’s way is so much better, and interesting..and doing things the world’s way was a tremendous yoke and burden on me. Where I live, a Godly woman (or man for that matter) is about as common as Bigfoot, or a Unicorn at the helm of a UFO. Getting struck by lightning twice in the same place while winning the lotto during a shark attack. They call the mid-south/Midwest the ‘Bible Belt’ well down here this is the Laveyan Satanist‘s Bible Belt. Lots of manmade denominational buildings though, and everywhere the fruits of such can be seen. It seems unlikely I will find someone and if I don’t I will be good with that. But God is much bigger and so far beyond anything here on this earth. I have prayed for a wife, I have prayed for God to make me a man worthy of a Godly wife. One who will put Him first, not career, social life, friends, family like the pagan/feminist women I used to be with. They must be willing to ditch all that and even me for Christ’s sake.

Never done online dating at all I just don’t really understand it too much I am not much of an internet person. There is someone I think I might like, but I don’t know if she is a believer or not and the times I’ve talked to her I was busy at the time and didn’t have a proper chance to discuss more important things. She is a friend of a friend and I really am not about trying to get in touch with her via the internet and am not sure when I will see her around again. I figure at least if she isn’t a believer, or isn’t interested, or whatever, it would be nice to talk with her more and have a proper chance to give her a full biblical gospel and I also have someone else I can pray on behalf of. My hope is that she will be more accepting of God’s truth than my friend I met her through who believes that his catholic school upbringing, and being baptized as a Methodist while being a ‘good person’ by society’s standards is his ticket to paradise..no repentance, no forgiveness of his enemies, no desire to be set apart for God, it is scary to me because he does have some health issues and was in a real bad situation a year ago where he could have died.

I live a pretty secluded life, I’ve tried to separate from the world as much as possible/not be of it anymore..all the friends I used to hang around as a pagan I just can’t be around them anymore and they likely don’t want me around either. One of them who was pretty much my best friend thinks I am absolutely insane simply for believing in and practicing the very basics and fundamentals of the faith, he is another product of manmade religion.

People tell me go to church and meet someone or make friends there..I can’t just go into a denominational religious body I truly never felt led to do such after converting it just never felt right to associate with a denomination, there weren’t any of these denominations during Christ’s ministry, Paul’s ministry, or the first century church we are to model ourselves after. They each seem to have their own variation of the gospel. So I just can’t get on board with the whole corporate manmade religion/modern CEO pastor format. Not to say that these places do not do good things, and not to say there are not some saints within those buildings I am sure there are but I was put off by manmade denominational religion long ago and that experience with the first girl I dated which I mentioned here played a role in that. I could easily find someone like that and perhaps even better at a bar, nightclub, strip club, drug and alcohol fueled house party, or any number of the other scummy, slimy places I used to inhabit.

Another thing, well I see how my dad turned out. He is another product of manmade denominational religion. It had a horrific effect on him and led him down a road of unrepentant sin. Another friend’s dad, same thing..destroyed by the corporate religion business model and that guy ended up going on to commit suicide. So when people tell me to go to church to meet someone I just really cannot get on board with that at all and I honestly don’t think I’d find anyone there who’d be interested in someone like myself who is very anti-denominational manmade religion/CEO modern pastors. Usually it is professed believers who hate me the most..many non-believers are more friendly about their disagreements with me. Normally it is professed believers who cuss me out, make threats, mock, scoff, ad hominem attacks etc.

Well that was fun taking a trip down memory lane, sorry for rambling on but it’s just good to laugh about what used to be to me pretty crappy situations and failed relationships. Thank God, literally I do not say that in vain, that those relationships failed. Had they not I’d likely still be living in full defiance to God..same habits, same language, same friends..success without God in one’s life is dangerous. And had any of those relationships led to marriage what an unpleasant situation that would be had either one of us converted. Thankfully though I likely wouldn’t have had much to lose in a divorce scenario LOL..just a couple dozen fishing rods and some shoes/clothes and my old beat up truck.

 

[Miles]

I would say so. Mind you, I am 38. It could be different for younger women. Almost all my female friends or coworkers are married or in relationships. I work in a very female dominated profession and it is seems that most have boyfriends/ spouses. Some have been divorced etc and are actively looking to meet a guy.

Which reminds me, I've lived places where all of the women in my dating age range were already married. It also doesn't help that it takes a special kind of connection for me to be interested. The fact that somebody happens to be single says little about her compatibility. If I was looking for a short term fling, traits like personality or similar values wouldn't matter much. However, I'm more of a family-oriented guy. I just prefer that solid dynamic, even if I never have kids. Enough that it overrides my urge to sleep around. There are worse things than being single, so I can't complain. Life is good.

This isn't what most people have in mind of when they think of a single guy in his 40s. They talk about commitment phobes, pushovers, players, inappropriate content addicts, lazy, scared, ugly, etc. Meanwhile, most men who have those issues do seem to find someone.

Sometimes, I look around at these people who randomly shack up and "oops" she's expecting a baby. Or maybe they're more concerned with keeping up appearances and just pair up for the sake of looking normal. In a sense, I envy their simplicity. When it comes to my own choices, however, I can't shake the feeling that I know better. Not that I think I'm inherently better or worse than the next guy. I'm not, I have flaws of my own, but it's like I've been blessed with either the knowledge or the wisdom that I would regret acting against my better judgment. When I've done that in other ways, I've regretted it. Maybe not earth-shattering regret, but enough that saw the negative outcome a mile away and accept responsibility. Lesson learned. That isn't a dynamic I want to define my love life.

The way I see it, gender dynamics are a matter of birds of a feather flocking together rather than being good or bad people. Those who married earlier and are still happy tend to be "my people" as far as I'm concerned, along with outliers who never married for reasons that I can relate to.

 

[LoveDivine]

Which reminds me, I've lived places where all of the women in my dating age range were already married. It also doesn't help that it takes a special kind of connection for me to be interested. The fact that somebody happens to be single says little about her compatibility. If I was looking for a short term fling, traits like personality or similar values wouldn't matter much. However, I'm more of a family-oriented guy. I just prefer that solid dynamic, even if I never have kids. Enough that it overrides my urge to sleep around. There are worse things than being single, so I can't complain. Life is good.

This isn't what most people have in mind of when they think of a single guy in his 40s. They talk about commitment phobes, pushovers, players, inappropriate content addicts, lazy, scared, ugly, etc. Meanwhile, most men who have those issues do seem to find someone.

Sometimes, I look around at these people who randomly shack up and "oops" she's expecting a baby. Or maybe they're more concerned with keeping up appearances and just pair up for the sake of looking normal. In a sense, I envy their simplicity. When it comes to my own choices, however, I can't shake the feeling that I know better. Not that I think I'm inherently better or worse than the next guy. I'm not, I have flaws of my own, but it's like I've been blessed with either the knowledge or the wisdom that I would regret acting against my better judgment. When I've done that in other ways, I've regretted it. Maybe not earth-shattering regret, but enough that saw the negative outcome a mile away and accept responsibility. Lesson learned. That isn't a dynamic I want to define my love life.

The way I see it, gender dynamics are a matter of birds of a feather flocking together rather than being good or bad people. Those who married earlier and are still happy tend to be "my people" as far as I'm concerned, along with outliers who never married for reasons that I can relate to.

It sounds like you've made wise choices. It's tough to meet someone who is a good match. It's good that you've held out. Much better to still be single when you are older than to be married to the wrong person. At least you are free to pursue someone (if they should show up) that is good for you instead of being trapped in a less than ideal relationship. I'm also very family oriented and I agree with you about that being a good dynamic.

 

[pen_and_poetry]

Dragon: to answer your question, I know several Christian women in their 20s and 30s who either are currently single, or spent a long time single and looking and only recently got into relationship. One friend of mine was being eyed by a man for a year before he finally made his move. She's like 32 now and was single for a long time and did her best to be happy. I know another group of vaguely Christian women in their 20s and 30s (vaguely because they all vary in their faith), who certainly want to be in relationships but aren't. I guess you might say their priorities are all backwards but that's beside the point. They are all single.

To continue, as a single woman myself the struggle is real for women, too, especially since women are the ones who "need to wait" for a man to approach, and you don't know if he isn't approaching because he's taken, or he isn't interested. I don't know which is worse! I guess you might see why I advocate just cutting to chase and not wasting time by asking if a man is interested or not and moving on. Otherwise, you have to do detective work and watch for a bit while TRYING not to get infatuated with him, and then the moment you work up the gumption to talk to him, he waltzes in with a chick on his arm and your dreams are crushed

I have thought that it might be useful for folks who are in committed relationships to wear something akin to a promise ring to signal they are taken. It would certainly make my life easier!!

The best I can do is just be as friendly as possible to as many people as possible, TALK to them to feel out their relationship status as soon as I can, and keep my options open.

 

[Freth]

I'm male. I am now 51 and remain single.

I left the faith at the age of sixteen, so most of my adult life I lived the way I wanted. That's not to say I was wild or highly promiscuous, I wasn't. I remained restrained and stuck to the core Christian values I learned growing up.

I knew before I graduated that I didn't want to get married right away and have kids. I wanted to get some life experience under my belt first. I had a high school sweetheart that tried to wrangle me into marriage, but she ended up cheating on me with other men, and broke it off.

I dated throughout my adult life, with long periods of single life in between. I didn't seek out relationships, they just happened for whatever reason. When I was going through those dry spells, being single, I was perfectly happy to embrace the single life and enjoy hobbies and interests. I had a good paying career which allowed me to buy toys and do the things I wanted.

As the years went by, I grew to be independent. The idea of a relationship would put a wrench in my enjoyment of life. I would have to adjust to someone else's needs, and if kids were involved, be a father to them.

I had at least three relationships with women who had children, but it never went far enough for us to become attached to each other, so I've never been a father figure, nor experienced fatherhood in any true sense. I do know how my father raised me, and I think I would be a good father, but it never happened.

I worked, I lived, I dated, but the majority of my life I've been single. I have no regrets. It enters my mind once in a while, "What if?", but I don't dwell on it. My last relationship, if you want to call it that, was in 2014. It lasted a month. I haven't dated anyone since.

In 2016 I came back to the faith, and my perspective changed on relationships. I made the decision that if I was to have another relationship that it was going to be with a Godly Christian woman who shares my values and beliefs. My local church has mostly elderly and young kids. The women my age are married and have kids. I figure if God wants me to meet someone, I will.

I retired at age 49, after a thirty year career. I interact with way more people online than I do in person. I only leave the house to go to the store and gym. I go to gym three times a week. In the warmer months I go to local parks and hike and enjoy nature. I live a simple life and I'm completely happy.

I would also mention that I truly believe Jesus is coming soon, and my focus should not be on myself, but witnessing to others, which I do.

Those are my thoughts.

 

[pen_and_poetry]

Aaron, I have definitely thought about how many barriers are there to successful relationships especially for Christians. How many obstacles do we need to navigate? How many filters do we need? I was recently considering if "a lot of" tattoos was a dealbreaker for me*--but when the guy needs to be an available, emotionally-mature Christian man with a respectable income/good work ethic who also has a compatible politics and personality and is someone I'm also attracted to... can I afford to filter by too much else? I don't know, and I cannot imagine how much easier it was even not that long ago most people were all on the same page in terms of the basics. You at least didn't have to wonder "wow, he's cute. Is he even Christian or a decent person?" to find out, nope--he's not.

I was on online dating for a bit recently, and I was so disappointed by how many men are atheists or agnostic. I couldn't filter by religion unless I paid and I had better things to do with my money so I hid my account. The spiritual state of people is honestly just depressing. I have thought about moving to another state with a higher population of men I'm interested in, but... I'm also Orthodox and we're few and far between no matter where you are.

I think we do need to encourage friendships for men with men, and for women with women while also getting the two groups together for matching up. I don't think long-term, CLOSE, platonic male-female friendships are healthy but I'm only speaking from my experience. It forces one to dull one's natural desires and sex drive to be friends, and just muddies the waters. Every man who has been friends with me has wanted to have sex with me at some point. I'm over it.

To answer the thread, my single experience pre-divorce and post-divorce has been similar and also very different. Once you've been married, you've been THROUGH it and perspectives change. I like to joke that "everyone needs to get a divorce to grow up" LOL

When you're young and unmarried, it's very easy to have high standards with the opposite sex. One wants romance and the whole world and you think that love is all and all is love, and all that stuff. The world is your oyster and youth certainly helps. Poets have written about it for many centuries. I do still love LOVE, but I see its place in the grand scheme.

Being a single woman NOW, I'm much more laid-back having seen the ugly side of someone you once loved. It's harder to meet people in your 30s but I'm also more aware of what I want and don't want, so I don't waste time. If it happens, it happens. I don't like to dance around the bush with men. Like I said in my other post, life is short. When I start to feel "worked up" about if a guy likes me, I have to take a step back and breeeaathe and try to work on a poem or something. I try not to get blinded by cuteness (I'm a total sucker for that) and try to be practical and accept that people have flaws. I'm a chronic crusher, gyah.

Commitment takes work and it's a different kind of love than "eros" that people get into relationships over. You don't think about all those things that become massive issues down the road when you live with the guy every day. It's VERY important to marry someone with a mindset of compromise rather than "my way or the high way." It's important to remember that the person you're dating doesn't really "change"--a man with an uncontrollable temper now will still have an uncontrollable temper after you're married.

I don't particularly like being single and I do feel the pressure of time but I can't force things to happen. I just have to keep putting myself out there and living a life I want.

 

[LoveDivine]

Aaron, I have definitely thought about how many barriers are there to successful relationships especially for Christians. How many obstacles do we need to navigate? How many filters do we need? I was recently considering if "a lot of" tattoos was a dealbreaker for me*--but when the guy needs to be an available, emotionally-mature Christian man with a respectable income/good work ethic who also has a compatible politics and personality and is someone I'm also attracted to... can I afford to filter by too much else? I don't know, and I cannot imagine how much easier it was even not that long ago most people were all on the same page in terms of the basics. You at least didn't have to wonder "wow, he's cute. Is he even Christian or a decent person?" to find out, nope--he's not.

I was on online dating for a bit recently, and I was so disappointed by how many men are atheists or agnostic. I couldn't filter by religion unless I paid and I had better things to do with my money so I hid my account. The spiritual state of people is honestly just depressing. I have thought about moving to another state with a higher population of men I'm interested in, but... I'm also Orthodox and we're few and far between no matter where you are.

I think we do need to encourage friendships for men with men, and for women with women while also getting the two groups together for matching up. I don't think long-term, CLOSE, platonic male-female friendships are healthy but I'm only speaking from my experience. It forces one to dull one's natural desires and sex drive to be friends, and just muddies the waters. Every man who has been friends with me has wanted to have sex with me at some point. I'm over it.

To answer the thread, my single experience pre-divorce and post-divorce has been similar and also very different. Once you've been married, you've been THROUGH it and perspectives change. I like to joke that "everyone needs to get a divorce to grow up" LOL

When you're young and unmarried, it's very easy to have high standards with the opposite sex. One wants romance and the whole world and you think that love is all and all is love, and all that stuff. The world is your oyster and youth certainly helps. Poets have written about it for many centuries. I do still love LOVE, but I see its place in the grand scheme.

Being a single woman NOW, I'm much more laid-back having seen the ugly side of someone you once loved. It's harder to meet people in your 30s but I'm also more aware of what I want and don't want, so I don't waste time. If it happens, it happens. I don't like to dance around the bush with men. Like I said in my other post, life is short. When I start to feel "worked up" about if a guy likes me, I have to take a step back and breeeaathe and try to work on a poem or something. I try not to get blinded by cuteness (I'm a total sucker for that) and try to be practical and accept that people have flaws. I'm a chronic crusher, gyah.

Commitment takes work and it's a different kind of love than "eros" that people get into relationships over. You don't think about all those things that become massive issues down the road when you live with the guy every day. It's VERY important to marry someone with a mindset of compromise rather than "my way or the high way." It's important to remember that the person you're dating doesn't really "change"--a man with an uncontrollable temper now will still have an uncontrollable temper after you're married.

I don't particularly like being single and I do feel the pressure of time but I can't force things to happen. I just have to keep putting myself out there and living a life I want.

I very much agree with you about the negatives of "platonic friendships." I don't really think it's wise for men and women to become close friends. Most of the time, one of the parties has feelings for the other and is hoping for more. It almost always ends in frustration or disappointment. Although I think I'd want to be friends first with a guy I was interested in dating, I would view that "friendship" more as a time to get to know the person with no strings attached. Sort of a way to assess compatibility without the pressure of romance. I prefer close friendships with women; we have more in common (hopefully) and there isn't a concern about crossing boundaries or hurting feelings. I'm fine with being friends with guys in a group setting. Not so keen on one on one friendships. I think that's called dating, lol

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I very much agree with you about the negatives of "platonic friendships." I don't really think it's wise for men and women to become close friends. Most of the time, one of the parties has feelings for the other and is hoping for more. It almost always ends in frustration or disappointment. Although I think I'd want to be friends first with a guy I was interested in dating, I would view that "friendship" more as a time to get to know the person with no strings attached. Sort of a way to assess compatibility without the pressure of romance. I prefer close friendships with women; we have more in common (hopefully) and there isn't a concern about crossing boundaries or hurting feelings. I'm fine with being friends with guys in a group setting. Not so keen on one on one friendships. I think that's called dating, lol

I think you'd even get women that would disagree with you on that as women sometimes would get upset at men for not wanting to be friends with them and accusing them "Oh, so he just wants sex". I'm not sure how they go from there to THERE...but yeah, that's their remark.

Or the guy went along with the friendship, hoping it'll turn into something more the more they spent one on one time together.

I once saw a meme of Sponge Bob Squarepants getting out of his recliner with, "Me when my guy friends reveal their feelings about me...yeah, I'm outta here!"

I think Hollywood movies pushes the narrative of the guy friend pining over a female friend and in the end it was "It was HIM all along!" I think guys get it in their heads that when a woman says, "We can go out....as....friends..." he figures "Well, that's something...at least I get to be around here!"

I had a female friend that was going to parties with a male friend (home parties) and he'd start calling her pet names in mixed company and getting in her personal bubble.

It didn't turn out well for him, esp. when other single men figured she was taken. (by him)

 

[pen_and_poetry]

Yeah, you do get women who enjoy the attention from as many men as possible without committing to a relationship. I'd wager she's enamoured with a man who isn't interested in her. And maybe men who pine away for years have a scarcity mindset or maybe high standards, or have a higher opinion of their own attractiveness, or think "if I'm nice she'll love me".

On a fundamental level, I think women want to feel desirable, so having a collection of men hanging around validates those feelings. We've "nothing to prove" like men could do for their masculinity through the ages--a woman had luck and a small window of time (relatively) to find a spouse. So having many suitors secured the best possible spouse. "If men don't hang around, then you're not desirable," that kind of thing even though that hanging around is usually based on just physical appearances. The trick is you've got to actually pick a guy at some point. I know a woman who has a huge harem of male orbiter friends. She wants to be married but her orbiters make it hard for any serious dude to get close to her and she doesn't see this as a problem even though she's also depressed because she's perpetually single.

And like YankeeGirl was saying earlier, I agree that there's nothing wrong with male/female friendship as pre-dating. But it all breaks down when the men who orbit women never make their move because, like you said, "something is better than nothing." They just should move on to find someone who likes them back. Chances are, there is a woman who he doesn't even see that would love to date him. Thinking about the meme you mentioned, there is as weird dichotomy among some young women that only the men they are attracted to have sex drives--everyone else is a eunuch.

Like the great singer-songerwriter Alex Turner wrote in "No Buses"

An ache in your soul
Is everybody's goal
To get what they can't have
That's why you're after her
And that's why she's after him
But saying it won't change a thing

ahhhh well. What can you do.

 

[dzheremi]

In my case, it's pretty simple: I'm not Egyptian, and they (usually) are. Not a huge deal in and of itself (at least not to me), but this is one of the downsides of being something other than the dominant ethnicity in what is indisputably an 'ethnic' church (Coptic means Egyptian, so it's right there in the name of the Church itself). I've met other non-Egyptian people in the Coptic Orthodox Church (White Americans, Latinos, a nice lady from Togo, Arabs, Assyrians, etc.), but they're few and far between compared the bulk of the Church, which has its roots in Egypt/Sudan/Libya. The Egyptian-Americans/2nd generation people I've met are mostly too young for me, too, since I'm 40 already. It's not hard to imagine how this would be the case when you consider that the first Coptic Orthodox churches in the United States were only organized in the 1960s, and we're still actively receiving waves of immigrants from 'the homeland' to this day, what with all the troubles in Egypt and the region in general.

So Egyptians usually find other Egyptians, in the same way that most people usually marry within their community. It's probably a better bet to try to meet someone somewhere else and bring them into the Church, but that would probably scare her off more than anything. Even if she likes me, does she like fasting 210+ days a year? Does she like church services that last for 3-4 hours every Sunday, and Holy Week services that can last for three times that long? I'm not going to say that such a person doesn't exist, but realistically, it would be a very tall order. I mean, I'm pretty great, but there's surely a limit.

Alas, I missed out on dating when I was younger and healthier (well, not exactly; more like I was in a few unsuccessful relationships in my 20s/30s), and now that I am old(er) and hobbled, thinking about dating is like thinking about becoming an astronaut: Even if hypothetically I could have been accepted when I was younger (and that's a big if), things have changed quite a lot since then, and anyway exactly how many 40-year-old first-time astronauts are there? There may be one or two, but they're certainly statistical outliers, and by definition they must be spectacular specimens to be chosen at that age, not people who mostly hang out with their cat and post on Christian Forums on the weekend.

 

[public hermit]

I love being single, but it took a long time and a lot of heartache to get to this place. In hindsight, I probably should have embraced being single earlier. But for a long time I felt that I was missing out on something if I didn't have a relationship. The last one I was in was so bad that I finally realized I wasn't missing out on anything. Of course, I'm now 50 and the thought of putting in with someone makes no sense to me.

My two closest friends at this point are women. One is simply a dear friend. We talk, we share our prayer concerns, we enjoy our friendship and there's no hint of anything other than friendship. The other is complicated. We had been friends for years and then, out of the blue, she hit on me extremely hard. I was taken back because I didn't see it coming. She knows I'm content, and I iterated it, in no uncertain terms, that we aren't getting together. So we're still close, but it is always lingering in the background.

It's strange. I love women. They are beautiful, exquisite, mysterious creatures. There is nothing more attractive to me than a cool, intelligent woman. But I simply have no desire to exchange my peace and contentment for a relationship that, under the best of circumstances, will always be fraught with difficulties, trials, and tribulations. I would much rather be a woman's friend than a lover. I miss hugs and kisses, but not that much lol.

I will share this for those young fellas who are still looking. I have never been hit on more than when I gave up looking. I think women can tell when you're desperate. I rarely give a woman a second look, even if in my mind I have noticed their beauty. For me, the game is over so there's no point in making it clear I'm looking. I don't know if it's possible, but maybe stop looking like you're looking. Just do your thing. If you see an attractive women, make a mental note but don't try making eye contact like your looking. And, perhaps, if you see her in the check out line, you can make a remark about the prices or whatever. I don't know, but not looking has done wonders for me, except I no longer care. Lol

 

[DragonFox91]

Time is ticking so fast

To continue, as a single woman myself the struggle is real for women, too, especially since women are the ones who "need to wait" for a man to approach, and you don't know if he isn't approaching because he's taken, or he isn't interested. I don't know which is worse! I guess you might see why I advocate just cutting to chase and not wasting time by asking if a man is interested or not and moving on. Otherwise, you have to do detective work and watch for a bit while TRYING not to get infatuated with him, and then the moment you work up the gumption to talk to him, he waltzes in with a chick on his arm and your dreams are crushed

I see women all the time show interest in men. It's discouraging.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

In my case, it's pretty simple: I'm not Egyptian, and they (usually) are. Not a huge deal in and of itself (at least not to me), but this is one of the downsides of being something other than the dominant ethnicity in what is indisputably an 'ethnic' church (Coptic means Egyptian, so it's right there in the name of the Church itself). I've met other non-Egyptian people in the Coptic Orthodox Church (White Americans, Latinos, a nice lady from Togo, Arabs, Assyrians, etc.), but they're few and far between compared the bulk of the Church, which has its roots in Egypt/Sudan/Libya. The Egyptian-Americans/2nd generation people I've met are mostly too young for me, too, since I'm 40 already. It's not hard to imagine how this would be the case when you consider that the first Coptic Orthodox churches in the United States were only organized in the 1960s, and we're still actively receiving waves of immigrants from 'the homeland' to this day, what with all the troubles in Egypt and the region in general.

So Egyptians usually find other Egyptians, in the same way that most people usually marry within their community. It's probably a better bet to try to meet someone somewhere else and bring them into the Church, but that would probably scare her off more than anything. Even if she likes me, does she like fasting 210+ days a year? Does she like church services that last for 3-4 hours every Sunday, and Holy Week services that can last for three times that long? I'm not going to say that such a person doesn't exist, but realistically, it would be a very tall order. I mean, I'm pretty great, but there's surely a limit.

Alas, I missed out on dating when I was younger and healthier (well, not exactly; more like I was in a few unsuccessful relationships in my 20s/30s), and now that I am old(er) and hobbled, thinking about dating is like thinking about becoming an astronaut: Even if hypothetically I could have been accepted when I was younger (and that's a big if), things have changed quite a lot since then, and anyway exactly how many 40-year-old first-time astronauts are there? There may be one or two, but they're certainly statistical outliers, and by definition they must be spectacular specimens to be chosen at that age, not people who mostly hang out with their cat and post on Christian Forums on the weekend.

Alas, I missed out on dating when I was younger and healthier (well, not exactly; more like I was in a few unsuccessful relationships in my 20s/30s), and now that I am old(er) and hobbled, thinking about dating is like thinking about becoming an astronaut: Even if hypothetically I could have been accepted when I was younger (and that's a big if), things have changed quite a lot since then, and anyway exactly how many 40-year-old first-time astronauts are there? There may be one or two, but they're certainly statistical outliers, and by definition they must be spectacular specimens to be chosen at that age, not people who mostly hang out with their cat and post on Christian Forums on the weekend.

shoot, you're only 40?! Man, there are large retirement communties with baby boomers hittin' the town square, cuttin' some rug with dance partners. They may be slow moving but can be impressive to watch sometimes. I think what motivates some of the 60+ aged men is the 40-something attractive lounge singer that comes out to sing for them. lol

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I love being single, but it took a long time and a lot of heartache to get to this place. In hindsight, I probably should have embraced being single earlier. But for a long time I felt that I was missing out on something if I didn't have a relationship. The last one I was in was so bad that I finally realized I wasn't missing out on anything. Of course, I'm now 50 and the thought of putting in with someone makes no sense to me.

My two closest friends at this point are women. One is simply a dear friend. We talk, we share our prayer concerns, we enjoy our friendship and there's no hint of anything other than friendship. The other is complicated. We had been friends for years and then, out of the blue, she hit on me extremely hard. I was taken back because I didn't see it coming. She knows I'm content, and I iterated it, in no uncertain terms, that we aren't getting together. So we're still close, but it is always lingering in the background.

It's strange. I love women. They are beautiful, exquisite, mysterious creatures. There is nothing more attractive to me than a cool, intelligent woman. But I simply have no desire to exchange my peace and contentment for a relationship that, under the best of circumstances, will always be fraught with difficulties, trials, and tribulations. I would much rather be a woman's friend than a lover. I miss hugs and kisses, but not that much lol.

I will share this for those young fellas who are still looking. I have never been hit on more than when I gave up looking. I think women can tell when you're desperate. I rarely give a woman a second look, even if in my mind I have noticed their beauty. For me, the game is over so there's no point in making it clear I'm looking. I don't know if it's possible, but maybe stop looking like you're looking. Just do your thing. If you see an attractive women, make a mental note but don't try making eye contact like your looking. And, perhaps, if you see her in the check out line, you can make a remark about the prices or whatever. I don't know, but not looking has done wonders for me, except I no longer care. Lol

Hermit, I think I'm a mix of your attitude and me still desiring someone in my life age age 50. I envy you I can understand some of what you're saying.
The difference between you and me though, is that I started WAY late and didn't have my first...I guess relationship with a woman I met online and dated for 4 months. I was 27, she was 19. She was in college, I was in the workforce. Her mother didn't like our age diff as she thought it would be a distraction with her daughter's studies (which her parents were paying for...tuition, etc)

So she kind of was an influence on her daughter to end things with me. Turns out I was a rebound from a guy she had a hard time getting over.

Fast forward to my mid to late 30s, I didn't have any kind of relationship or intimacy with a woman until my mid, to, late 30s. She was a Christian gal, but wanted to do friends with benefits only, and I wanted to date her...she didn't want that.

Fast forward to my mid-40s and I had a real relationship with a lady I met, but it didn't last because she had a lot of emotional issues. A couple of years after her, I met what I thought would be the IDEAL girlfriend. She lived very local, no kids ( I didn't have any). I am a big cuddler, we loved cuddling. I couldn't get enough of it. We kept it light though. Then she revealed that she did want kids in her life, even if it's meant to foster....and it was a no-go for me.

Basically, I had such LONG gaps between relationships....the gaps were so long, the relationships so short-lived...I never experienced a LONG term relationship.

I think she's long gaps between relationships has kept me a bit starved for companionship...even at age 50, but what I read about you, you make some valid points. I'm figuring maybe I should immerse myself more in my geeky hobbies. I am big on board gaming with other people...so I MAY meet someone that way, but not counting on it.
Going to sci-fi conventions at admiring all that is there, including the pretty ladies in cosplay.

Now that I've turned 50 I am wondering if I should watch who I talk to as to not appear like some creepy old man making eyes at a lady, at least from their perspective. When I was 40, I didn't have that "I may or may not be a creepy old man" feeling, to now entering THAT realm. lol

I made a dear friend recently, very sweet, very nice smile....but we realized we had nothing in common, but our friendship is still intact. I remember her telling me about a guy that she befriended that tried to cross a boundary into romance, and she wouldn't have any of it. He went another direction.

I tend to befriend women, make them laugh and make them comfortable, but when I ask one out..it's like...they are taken aback or caught off guard....as if they were surprised I even asked. I often wonder if the Universe is not allowing me to have a companion in a romantic sense. It's like women look at me, and think I don't deserve it.

I don't really 'flirt" persee, as my conversations are more benign. I sometimes even try to avoid flirty banter at times, as to not come off as creepy.

The women who DID date me, and would let me be intimate with them...they actually said they dont' care about looks...that was my only ace in the hole.

When I actually do get girlfriend...it's like...I'm dreaming. It's like, I felt like I was dreaming....and it doesn't feel real sometimes. I think I've gotten a little bit better about not feeling that way with the recent relationships though.

ANyways, I ramble....I feel ya man.

 

[dzheremi]

I will share this for those young fellas who are still looking.

Wait, is this an advice thread for younger men?

OK. Fellas, women like men who are confident, smart, attractive/tall (they're not the same, but being one makes it more likely that you'll be seen as the other), driven, successful, sophisticated, sensitive, stoic, strong, polite, thoughtful, giving, outgoing, mysterious, and natural leaders.

You're not all these things. Quiet; I don't wanna hear how that's too long of a list and several things on it are synonyms. Just because your list is likely three things or less doesn't make this one unreasonable (or by any means complete or applicable to all women; I'm generalizing because I have to, because I'm a man, so just because I don't know what I'm talking about doesn't mean I just won't respond...remember: confidence!). The point is there are a lot of things that could go there, and you're not going to be all or even most of them. Pick two, then prioritize one. Once you have one, pick another two, and prioritize one of those. Keep doing that until you find someone or depart from this life.

To make things easier on yourselves, you can arrange whatever women have told you they're looking for into tiers according to what's actually realistic for you to become. Like for me, my mother was 5'2"; my father was 5'8". I was never going to be 6'. So that immediately gets chucked into the circular file, along with every woman who has that as a 'deal-breaker'. That's another thing: Deal-breakers? I don't deal in them. It's fine to have a type or preferences, but you're looking for a person, not a bundle of abstracted qualities disconnected from whoever you're actually around. Maybe gentlemen prefer blondes, but you've got a nice brunette lady who seems fun to be around, and not a dingbat. You could pass her up and wait for Pamela Anderson or whoever to come to Jesus in your particular congregation (best of luck with that), but anyone who's ever played the claw machine at an arcade will tell you that it'd be stupid to purposely drop the harmonica just because it isn't giant plush lobster. Maybe you'll find you really like the harmonica. How could you know, especially if you've never even been in a band?

(I feel like I'm in a band right now...The Tortured Metaphors...)

 

[dzheremi]

shoot, you're only 40?! Man, there are large retirement communties with baby boomers hittin' the town square, cuttin' some rug with dance partners. They may be slow moving but can be impressive to watch sometimes. I think what motivates some of the 60+ aged men is the 40-something attractive lounge singer that comes out to sing for them. lol

Hahaha. Well yeah. Unfortunately for me, in common with many traditional cultural groups, Coptic people tend to marry on the young side, and divorce is incredibly uncommon, so the dating pool skews very much towards the twenties, maybe early 30s at the latest. I'd do better finding another older millennial convert, I guess, but I'm the only one I know, and I'm already married to myself, and frankly it could be going better.

 

[public hermit]

Hermit, I think I'm a mix of your attitude and me still desiring someone in my life age age 50. I envy you I can understand some of what you're saying.
The difference between you and me though, is that I started WAY late and didn't have my first...I guess relationship with a woman I met online and dated for 4 months. I was 27, she was 19. She was in college, I was in the workforce. Her mother didn't like our age diff as she thought it would be a distraction with her daughter's studies (which her parents were paying for...tuition, etc)

So she kind of was an influence on her daughter to end things with me. Turns out I was a rebound from a guy she had a hard time getting over.

Fast forward to my mid to late 30s, I didn't have any kind of relationship or intimacy with a woman until my mid, to, late 30s. She was a Christian gal, but wanted to do friends with benefits only, and I wanted to date her...she didn't want that.

Fast forward to my mid-40s and I had a real relationship with a lady I met, but it didn't last because she had a lot of emotional issues. A couple of years after her, I met what I thought would be the IDEAL girlfriend. She lived very local, no kids ( I didn't have any). I am a big cuddler, we loved cuddling. I couldn't get enough of it. We kept it light though. Then she revealed that she did want kids in her life, even if it's meant to foster....and it was a no-go for me.

Basically, I had such LONG gaps between relationships....the gaps were so long, the relationships so short-lived...I never experienced a LONG term relationship.

I think she's long gaps between relationships has kept me a bit starved for companionship...even at age 50, but what I read about you, you make some valid points. I'm figuring maybe I should immerse myself more in my geeky hobbies. I am big on board gaming with other people...so I MAY meet someone that way, but not counting on it.
Going to sci-fi conventions at admiring all that is there, including the pretty ladies in cosplay.

Now that I've turned 50 I am wondering if I should watch who I talk to as to not appear like some creepy old man making eyes at a lady, at least from their perspective. When I was 40, I didn't have that "I may or may not be a creepy old man" feeling, to now entering THAT realm. lol

I made a dear friend recently, very sweet, very nice smile....but we realized we had nothing in common, but our friendship is still intact. I remember her telling me about a guy that she befriended that tried to cross a boundary into romance, and she wouldn't have any of it. He went another direction.

I tend to befriend women, make them laugh and make them comfortable, but when I ask one out..it's like...they are taken aback or caught off guard....as if they were surprised I even asked. I often wonder if the Universe is not allowing me to have a companion in a romantic sense. It's like women look at me, and think I don't deserve it.

I don't really 'flirt" persee, as my conversations are more benign. I sometimes even try to avoid flirty banter at times, as to not come off as creepy.

The women who DID date me, and would let me be intimate with them...they actually said they dont' care about looks...that was my only ace in the hole.

When I actually do get girlfriend...it's like...I'm dreaming. It's like, I felt like I was dreaming....and it doesn't feel real sometimes. I think I've gotten a little bit better about not feeling that way with the recent relationships though.

ANyways, I ramble....I feel ya man.

As far as the creepy factor goes, I'm attracted to older women. If your idea of a viable date is above 30, then yours is the mount to climb.

I wish I could help you find satisfaction in having love or being satisfied without it. I don't know how to show one or the other. Experience is our mistress, and we accept what she gives or push against the pricks.

What I do think is that there is plenty of love out there. Getting into your geek thing might be the lick. If that is the area where you shine, there are women who shine like that, too. That is the beauty of this day: people are doing what they like with folks they like. The internet has opened a door that was not available before. Besides, you seem like an affable guy. Us older guys have our own charm. We can monopolize on that. If you're looking, don't give up on love; I'm certain there's some sweet woman who is looking, too. I might be content in being single, but I'm romantic at heart, and have hope for lovers everywhere.

 

[public hermit]

Wait, is this an advice thread for younger men?

OK. Fellas, women like men who are confident, smart, attractive/tall (they're not the same, but being one makes it more likely that you'll be seen as the other), driven, successful, sophisticated, sensitive, stoic, strong, polite, thoughtful, giving, outgoing, mysterious, and natural leaders.

You're not all these things. Quiet; I don't wanna hear how that's too long of a list and several things on it are synonyms. Just because your list is likely three things or less doesn't make this one unreasonable (or by any means complete or applicable to all women; I'm generalizing because I have to, because I'm a man, so just because I don't know what I'm talking about doesn't mean I just won't respond...remember: confidence!). The point is there are a lot of things that could go there, and you're not going to be all or even most of them. Pick two, then prioritize one. Once you have one, pick another two, and prioritize one of those. Keep doing that until you find someone or depart from this life.

To make things easier on yourselves, you can arrange whatever women have told you they're looking for into tiers according to what's actually realistic for you to become. Like for me, my mother was 5'2"; my father was 5'8". I was never going to be 6'. So that immediately gets chucked into the circular file, along with every woman who has that as a 'deal-breaker'. That's another thing: Deal-breakers? I don't deal in them. It's fine to have a type or preferences, but you're looking for a person, not a bundle of abstracted qualities disconnected from whoever you're actually around. Maybe gentlemen prefer blondes, but you've got a nice brunette lady who seems fun to be around, and not a dingbat. You could pass her up and wait for Pamela Anderson or whoever to come to Jesus in your particular congregation (best of luck with that), but anyone who's ever played the claw machine at an arcade will tell you that it'd be stupid to purposely drop the harmonica just because it isn't giant plush lobster. Maybe you'll find you really like the harmonica. How could you know, especially if you've never even been in a band?

(I feel like I'm in a band right now...The Tortured Metaphors...)

I'm not into dudes, but I've always thought that you're pretty awesome. If I come across an appropriately situated, Coptic loving-long liturgy having-fasting for many days doing woman, I promise I'll do my best to introduce y'all.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

As far as the creepy factor goes, I'm attracted to older women. If your idea of a viable date is above 30, then yours is the mount to climb.

I wish I could help you find satisfaction in having love or being satisfied without it. I don't know how to show one or the other. Experience is our mistress, and we accept what she gives or push against the pricks.

What I do think is that there is plenty of love out there. Getting into your geek thing might be the lick. If that is the area where you shine, there are women who shine like that, too. That is the beauty of this day: people are doing what they like with folks they like. The internet has opened a door that was not available before. Besides, you seem like an affable guy. Us older guys have our own charm. We can monopolize on that. If you're looking, don't give up on love; I'm certain there's some sweet woman who is looking, too. I might be content in being single, but I'm romantic at heart, and have hope for lovers everywhere.

I'm kind of flexible when it comes to age. Heck, I find the older Marissa Tomei attractive. lol