I'm Neglected a Lot

[BobRyan]

We have been going to a church that is newer to us since Easter time. I don't really like it all that much. I mean, they had something about a greek goddess on their church calendar since the name June came from that goddess. I didn't understand. And that was a baptist church!

I read James 4:4. I really don't want to be a friend of the world, but if my husband makes me divorce or I feel like I have to get away from this, does that mean I'm an enemy of God? I don't want to be because I love God! I also love my husband, but I don't feel a whole lot of love from him.

No I am not saying that such a tragedy would make you an enemy of God - my statement is about healing and finding a church that will help you and your husband in such a time as this.

 

[longwait]

My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

Are you in the early stages of your marriage? How long were you married? Maybe if you are patient and give your marriage and your husband some time things might change for the better. For some people their upbringing might be the problem and also the environment he grew up in. His family members' negative traits will stick on to him too. That's why in the early stages of married life one has to be very careful. Both sides need to learn to adjust. If you did your part in sticking around anyway (I am not saying you should tolerate any repeated physical abuse if it comes to that. I hope and pray that does not happen in your case.) then the Lord will see it and reward you in His way (it might not be in the way you want) and in His time.

 

[Arc F1]

My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I would be looking for signs of something else going on if you know what I mean. There is always a reason why things go sideways, it might be that he just hasn't made it known yet.

 

[longwait]

While you contemplate what others here have said ...
there is something else I would suggest, if you are not already doing it:

If you will take advantage of the 'alone' time that you have ...
and spend it in prayer and conversation with God ...
reading His Word, too ...
you will find that He is right there with you,
and that you are never truly alone.

And God will listen ... He will comfort and guide you ... direct your steps ...
as you spend time 'abiding' in Him ...

John 15:1-12

God bless

Yes, no man can replace the Lord. I got closer to the Lord after I got married. Now I realize that that's the greatest reward of my marriage.

 

[lsume]

My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

I’m not sure how important your mom is too the problems you face. You have left your parents too cleave to your husband and vice versa. It’s sad to read about the environment your in. Prayer can solve a multitude of problems.

 

[Gup20]

My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. One thing a lot of people don't realize is how much power they have to affect their marriage for good. A lot of the issue comes from a misunderstanding of the ultimate needs of their partner. Whereas 85% of women will identity LOVE as their most important need, 85% of men identity RESPECT as their #1 need. Then issues arise when a wife goes to her husband seeking the love she desperately needs, and doesn't understand she inadvertently steps on the respect he desires. Feeling disrespected, he ends up reacting in a respectful way to her, but inadvertently steps on the love she needs. Or vice-versa, a husband treats his wife with respect hoping to get respected back for it in return, and in her love for him she inadvertently diminishes the respect he's looking for, and then he reacts in unloving ways to her.

For example, needing to feel close to him and connect with him to refill her "love supply" she confronts him on why he's not spending enough time with her. He "hears" from this that he is unrespecatable for this failure to love her properly, and, seeking to do the respectful thing, and avoid a fight, he goes silent... allowing himself to take the abuse (abuse he feels is unjustified because he has never once intended to make her feel unloved). She interprets his silence not as the respectful gesture he meant it to be, but as an unloving gesture and she "hears" from his silence that he doesn't care about refilling her love supply. This "crazy cycle" goes round and round. His lack of love motivates her disrespect, and her disrepsect motivates his lack of love. Two well meaning people end up offending each other for a lack of understanding.

The only way to get off the crazy cycle is with the "energizing cycle"... to be the one mature enough to realize that his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his loving behavior. To get on the energizing cycle you have to move first to stop the crazy cycle... when you are feeling unloved, instead of acting in ways that will feel disrepsectful, motivate his loving behavior by acting in ways that feel respectful and affirming. You have that tremendous power to change the dynamic yourself!

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs|Hardcover

This book changed my life and marriage. 10 years into our marriage, my wife and I were ready to call it quits. There was infidelity and she had moved out. I found this book and decided (even though I was not the one who had cheated) that I wasn't a victim, and I could make changes to the only thing I could control -- me. Those changes wrought significant change in our relationship, and we got back together and today our worst days are better than our best days before Love & Respect. We've been married now for 22 years.

 

[Jermayn]

My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

There was a point in my marriage where I fell into neglecting my wife in sort of the same way, although not as extreme. What opened my eyes to it was exactly the verse you brought up, that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. After God showed me this, I started to think about what I would feel like if the roles were reversed and reflect on why I was treating her the way I was. Ultimately, it had nothing to do with her at all. She is a great wife to me and being married to her was one of the few things that actually gave me a feeling of fulfillment, but I felt unfulfilled in other areas of my life. I woke up, went to work, came home, and watched T.V. or played video games to numb the unbearable boredom until I fell asleep and repeated the process. We would talk to one another, but I'm an introvert so too much small talk and casual conversation is absolutely exhausting to me. This went on for quite some time until I realized what was happening. I enrolled in college, changed my career to one that I actually enjoy (even though it can get boring sometimes as well), and started engaging with my wife in thing that I enjoy. She isn't hard to please. She just wants me to spend time with her and she's good to go, so I try to involve her in anything I'm doing while I'm at home. She hates video games so she lets me play those by myself, but if we're watching T.V., we are usually debating politics or just giving our opinions about whatever it is we are watching. I have a passion for art so we are planning to do an art party sometime soon as well.

The short version of all the above: Your husband may not have a problem with you, but may be feeling unfulfilled in other areas of his life. Find something he's passionate about and try to pursue whatever that is with him.

 

[bèlla]

How did you manage to marry into a family that treats you this way? Did you meet them before you married? Were they the same or did something change?

The first recourse is prayer. You need to pour your heart out to God and admit your grievances and concerns. The second step is forgiveness. If you want to see His movement in a dramatic way you need to release your anger. It won't happen overnight. The best way to get there is through prayer.

Stormie Omartian has great prayer resources. I recommend The Power of a Praying Woman and The Power of a Praying Wife. She offers study guides (I'm starting one soon) to use with the books. It would help you with your mindset and stay centered on the Lord. I also like Prayers of an Excellent Wife by Andrew Case. On the devotional end, The Love Dare Day by Day is really good. It provides bite sized encouraging messages and small challenges. They're simple to do. I think you'll like it a lot. You can find them at the library or Amazon.

I don't need to restate the value of reading the bible. But I also encourage you to pour liberally into your spirit. You need uplifting messages. Marriage Today is a great source for relational help. But you'll want to give equal attention to yourself. Beth Moore and Joyce Meyer have ministered on brokenness and the challenges women face when we're hurting. I think you'll be blessed by them both.

Don't forget the power of worship. Play Christian music often. Start and end your day with a time of praise. You'll see immediate results in your heart and spirit. Don't forget gratitude either. If you don't have a practice this is a great time to start. Acknowledging your blessings on a daily basis is therapeutic. Here's a good one.

And don't neglect fellowship. You'd benefit from a prayer partner. If that isn't possible add your name to prayer lists and let others pray on your behalf. Google "online prayer request" and you'll see many churches and ministries provide the service. I encourage you to seek the company of wise women with solid marriages. You need to know what healthy love looks like.

Finally, don't forget you're seeing things from a limited vantage point. But God knows the end. Surrender your wants to Him and get on His page. Develop a servant mindset in your marriage as unto the Lord. Keep Him in the forefront of your thoughts and you can do anything.

May the Lord abide with you in the valley and restore your marriage. Bearing witness to His redeeming power through you and your husband. Stand firm and wait for Him.

Note: I've used everything I recommended and more.

~Bella

 

[carrico]

While you contemplate what others here have said ...
there is something else I would suggest, if you are not already doing it:

If you will take advantage of the 'alone' time that you have ...
and spend it in prayer and conversation with God ...
reading His Word, too ...
you will find that He is right there with you,
and that you are never truly alone.

And God will listen ... He will comfort and guide you ... direct your steps ...
as you spend time 'abiding' in Him ...

John 15:1-12

God bless

Thank you. I was doing this a lot. I pray a lot. I just need more time in the Word. A lot has happened recently. I will try to get back into the Word tonight. I gotta tell my husband I accidentally scraped his car against a concrete barrier. Oops.

 

[carrico]

There was a point in my marriage where I fell into neglecting my wife in sort of the same way, although not as extreme. What opened my eyes to it was exactly the verse you brought up, that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. After God showed me this, I started to think about what I would feel like if the roles were reversed and reflect on why I was treating her the way I was. Ultimately, it had nothing to do with her at all. She is a great wife to me and being married to her was one of the few things that actually gave me a feeling of fulfillment, but I felt unfulfilled in other areas of my life. I woke up, went to work, came home, and watched T.V. or played video games to numb the unbearable boredom until I fell asleep and repeated the process. We would talk to one another, but I'm an introvert so too much small talk and casual conversation is absolutely exhausting to me. This went on for quite some time until I realized what was happening. I enrolled in college, changed my career to one that I actually enjoy (even though it can get boring sometimes as well), and started engaging with my wife in thing that I enjoy. She isn't hard to please. She just wants me to spend time with her and she's good to go, so I try to involve her in anything I'm doing while I'm at home. She hates video games so she lets me play those by myself, but if we're watching T.V., we are usually debating politics or just giving our opinions about whatever it is we are watching. I have a passion for art so we are planning to do an art party sometime soon as well.

The short version of all the above: Your husband may not have a problem with you, but may be feeling unfulfilled in other areas of his life. Find something he's passionate about and try to pursue whatever that is with him.

You're awesome. Thank you for sharing. This sounds extremely similar to us. His job must be wearing him out, but I am so positive to him when he comes home. I just want my happy husband walking through the door. Not someone who acts like I've done something so wrong. I had a panic attack today (or that's what I call it). I hit a concrete barrier and felt about sick. I hit his truck against it. I started crying and then I just lost my breath while crying. I'm good. I just wonder how to say this to him...

 

[carrico]

How did you manage to marry into a family that treats you this way? Did you meet them before you married? Were they the same or did something change?

The first recourse is prayer. You need to pour your heart out to God and admit your grievances and concerns. The second step is forgiveness. If you want to see His movement in a dramatic way you need to release your anger. It won't happen overnight. The best way to get there is through prayer.

Stormie Omartian has great prayer resources. I recommend The Power of a Praying Woman and The Power of a Praying Wife. She offers study guides (I'm starting one soon) to use with the books. It would help you with your mindset and stay centered on the Lord. I also like Prayers of an Excellent Wife by Andrew Case. On the devotional end, The Love Dare Day by Day is really good. It provides bite sized encouraging messages and small challenges. They're simple to do. I think you'll like it a lot. You can find them at the library or Amazon.

I don't need to restate the value of reading the bible. But I also encourage you to pour liberally into your spirit. You need uplifting messages. Marriage Today is a great source for relational help. But you'll want to give equal attention to yourself. Beth Moore and Joyce Meyer have ministered on brokenness and the challenges women face when we're hurting. I think you'll be blessed by them both.

Don't forget the power of worship. Play Christian music often. Start and end your day with a time of praise. You'll see immediate results in your heart and spirit. Don't forget gratitude either. If you don't have a practice this is a great time to start. Acknowledging your blessings on a daily basis is therapeutic. Here's a good one.

And don't neglect fellowship. You'd benefit from a prayer partner. If that isn't possible add your name to prayer lists and let others pray on your behalf. Google "online prayer request" and you'll see many churches and ministries provide the service. I encourage you to seek the company of wise women with solid marriages. You need to know what healthy love looks like.

Finally, don't forget you're seeing things from a limited vantage point. But God knows the end. Surrender your wants to Him and get on His page. Develop a servant mindset in your marriage as unto the Lord. Keep Him in the forefront of your thoughts and you can do anything.

May the Lord abide with you in the valley and restore your marriage. Bearing witness to His redeeming power through you and your husband. Stand firm and wait for Him.

Note: I've used everything I recommended and more.

~Bella

Bella, I can tell you have used this. As I was reading, I thought "I admire how you move with The Lord." You thrive. I can tell you do these things. My husband and I dated for a short period before we got married. I did get to see his family A LOT in that time period. They're really loud and obnoxious. Also, easily offended. I haven't really done anything to offend them or to retaliate. I try to keep the peace. These people have really changed or have hidden the way they are. I mean they weren't really all that rude in the beginning, but there was some rude instances. You can tell they weren't raised to have manners. I'm talking my MIL and her daughters. My family says perhaps they're jealous. The sisters are like 300-400 lbs and are college drop outs. His mom hates that they dropped out. I ended up with a masters just a few years ago and I work in the school system my husband's grandmother retired from. My MIL is really disgusted with her. So maybe just my looks (I'm really not a gem LOL) and my success may be a factor. One of the daughters was planning on becoming a teacher. His sisters are vulgar. One is "super Christian" and the other claims to not be super religious, and loves occult stuff. They're so loud, I have left my MILs house with a migraine. I dread having to be around them. It usually goes well when I go over but then it's just like out of nowhere they're just rude and act like babies. Sadly, they're older than me and I turn 30 next week.

Thank you for your help and suggestions. I used to listen to Autumn Miles daily. I love how she digs into the Word and gives examples in life and how so much that happened to someone in the Bible and how it was resolved is how God can also work in your life. I was reading the Bible daily and I got away from it. My dad got sick and I couldn't concentrate to read. I've ended up typing some prayers too. I have some OCD stuff going on. It's bad intrusive thoughtsI have to hide that a lot. I get really quiet when it happens and my husband can tell, but he doesn't go all mean on me or anything. It can make me seem different or seem irritated, but I'm not when it happens. I hope today goes better than yesterday. Thanks, Bella!

PS: My dog's name is Bella

 

[carrico]

Are you in the early stages of your marriage? How long were you married? Maybe if you are patient and give your marriage and your husband some time things might change for the better. For some people their upbringing might be the problem and also the environment he grew up in. His family members' negative traits will stick on to him too. That's why in the early stages of married life one has to be very careful. Both sides need to learn to adjust. If you did your part in sticking around anyway (I am not saying you should tolerate any repeated physical abuse if it comes to that. I hope and pray that does not happen in your case.) then the Lord will see it and reward you in His way (it might not be in the way you want) and in His time.

Hi. We have been married for 5 years. I will say the first year was the hardest. All I ever heard was about his exes. I also heard all about them the first almost year we were dating. We got married after dating for 10 months. It's just like I always saw him with someone else in my mind instead of me. He told me too much. His family would also bring up all these girls too. He's everything I want. He still is.

I sometimes wonder about other guys that I was interested in and if I would have been happy there. I'm actually kinda haunted by those thoughts because one of them is a friend, but I often think I'm soooo glad I dodged that bullet and I remember why I left him in the friend zone. I pray those thoughts away. A lot of thoughts come flowing through about other guys. It's terrible. Overwhelming. My husband travels a lot, so when I'm lonely, all these thoughts just run over me. The friend in the friend zone will oftentimes message me on FB and I will message him with info or just check on him. He was abused as a child and his attitude shows it. Everything is just so negative with him. He will start talking to me and tell me things like how he wished that we worked out. I never went out with this guy. I just reconnected with him on FB like 8 years ago and I haven't seen him since I was like 8. He had a crazy grandpa who would whip him with a belt. Not the one on his pants, the lawn mower belt. I will often get stories from him in text about his childhood because it's so interesting and you would never know this was going on down the road while you were just chilling in the pool or playing and having fun and a kid who rides your bus is being beat. I end up venting to this guy about marriage because I know he isn't going to tell anyone since he doesnt know many of the people I know and talk to. I feel so guilty that I talk to him because all these guilty feelings and thougths overbear me. I've read something about emotional cheating and adultery which I don't really believe in that. I believe cheating is going out with someone while married and adultery is actually having that sexual relationship with that person. I haven't done either and I won't to my husband. He knows I talk to guy friends on FB and stuff because I'm not a sexual freak and I don't have intentions. I think the emotional part of that theory is temptation. I do encourage this friend to find the best woman for him and he checks on me to see if things are better and if I'm ok. He's just a good person and I pray for him. I just feel like I feel something for him when I answer these messages, but I didn't want him for a reason and I'm not looking to go get him. I feel so much emotion and guilty. I'm emotional anyways. I used to have a crush on him. I just couldn't date him due to the position I was in and the people he came from.

Sorry to write a book. I just want to confess some things and get some help from friends/ bros and sisters. I'm all over the place. Also, OCD. I guess that's why I can't stop thinking and over thinking. My husbands family- the sisters were raised like the perfect spoiled brats. He was treated different even though his dad was always traveling to work. I go out and do more than they do and I'm sure there's some jealousy in there. I take care of myself, they don't. I went and got a good career. Their jobs don't need a diploma which is what their mom wanted. So there's all of that. They were different when I dated my husband. I've been cussed out for being supportive and for coming over to the house later than a sister expected. I went to church and grocery shopped and took a 15 minute nap because I thought I was going to pass out and got cussed. That's life with them! Over it! Thanks for your kind words.

 

[carrico]

I’m not sure how important your mom is too the problems you face. You have left your parents too cleave to your husband and vice versa. It’s sad to read about the environment your in. Prayer can solve a multitude of problems.

He pretty much gave my mom the same attitude he gave me. It hurt me he ignored me, but it really hurt that he just straight up didn't even acknowledge that my mom was saying hello and he didn't care to even give a rip. Over a door...

 

[carrico]

I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I would be looking for signs of something else going on if you know what I mean. There is always a reason why things go sideways, it might be that he just hasn't made it known yet.

Well... the week my dad was hospitalized which was early June to almost mid June, he tells me one night if we go through a divorce, I think we'd be friends still. One of his workers and family friend- he is going through a divorce. It's a mess. It just made me feel like maybe my husband was up to something. He all of a sudden starts using snapchat too. Not that I mind. I just kinda want to know why because a lot of divorce talk and then he's on snapchat and he's not posting stories. I'll be honest. I have guy friends on all social media. I leave comments, I'm gonna pray for your, and messages- but not anything for hook ups. Just sisterly friend love. I mean, some of those guys will say something but they're usually joking, but I just blow them off to give them a sign that I'm not engaging. But he's making me wonder why he's mad the couple of divorce comments and then uses snapchat all of a sudden. I wouldn't suspect him of cheating or anything. All he does is work. But now he has a random meeting at 2:00 on a Sunday which makes me think. BUT he's having stress at work too. He's a foreman. He tells me that he leaves drama at the gate. Well, leave drama at the door when I'm so happy to see him and he just stomps by me like I've done such bad to him. I'm over being the one who it has to be taken out on. I'm just trying to trust him and The Lord.

 

[A_Thinker]

His job must be wearing him out, but I am so positive to him when he comes home. I just want my happy husband walking through the door. Not someone who acts like I've done something so wrong.

I clearly got this out of your first post.

Your husband's job is wearing on him ... and when he comes home, he probably needs a 1/2 hour to an hour to decompress. For him, a happy wife wanting him to be happy too ... is just ... more pressure. Go easy on him and respect his space.

I would also be praying for a job change for him. The one he's got is putting both of you through the wringer ...

 

[Job3315]

My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

This might work. Tell him you want to work things out. Get a piece of paper and a pen and sit down with him. Write down what each of you think the problem is, and start working from there. If he yells, you stay calm. Tell him that if he needs to leave and blow some fumes, to do so, and to come back when he can sit down and talk calmly. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then set another day and time. Remind him that you want to fix the situation and that you love him.

You will suffer at first, its hard to be the strong one. You might get a tantrum from him, but stay calm and firm about your decision and your attitude. When he finally comes around, remind him that you both are fighting against whatever is disrupting the marriage, not fighting against each other. Write down whats is said and how you both feel. Maybe he doesn't like certain things but he doesn't tell you. Create a space to be vulnerable. Listen to him. Find a happy medium. If you don't like something, tell him about it as well. Then both of you work out a plan to fix the problem(s). Set goals. Don't forget about having dinner/movie nights.

People, specially men, have a hard time expressing their troubles because they simply don't know how. Some were not taught to put their emotions into words, so they explode; like a child who doesn't know how to talk yet. You will have to help him fill out the blanks, but the idea is to help him calm down and find the root of the problem by expressing it into words that both of you can understand.

 

[SJP51]

My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

It takes two to make it work. Sounds to me like you're in it alone. You should never be anyones "doormat".

Divorce is a terrible thing. Still, there comes a time when it's time. Only you can tell when that is.

 

[bèlla]

Bella, I can tell you have used this. As I was reading, I thought "I admire how you move with The Lord." You thrive. I can tell you do these things.

Thank you for the compliment. I've never married but I used to minister to someone for several years and my suggestions are an outgrowth of that experience. We've had a lengthy connection and my reconciliation to God was a point of contention. My desire for his freedom was greater than minor offenses. Keeping His perspective in mind helped. But I'm human too. And when I erred the Lord directed me to apologize. Sometimes I admitted that was the case.

The finality is what I'm stressing. It can only go one way. You have to settle the matter in your heart. Will you fight or let go? You can't play hokey pokey. Resolving that within relieves a lot of pressure. You're no longer on the fence. You're all in or giving up.

My husband and I dated for a short period before we got married. I did get to see his family A LOT in that time period. They're really loud and obnoxious. Also, easily offended. I haven't really done anything to offend them or to retaliate. I try to keep the peace. These people have really changed or have hidden the way they are. I mean they weren't really all that rude in the beginning, but there was some rude instances. You can tell they weren't raised to have manners.

Are you seeing this from both directions? A lady who emphasizes manners would probably set aside the connection if she witnessed the same. We aren't islands unto ourselves. Families have good and bad traits. If poise was a priority I suspect you would have chosen differently. Which meant their behavior wasn't to a degree you found offensive or you ignored it in deference to your feelings. The deed is done.

Sometimes we must rise above our circumstances. You can't control their behavior. But you have jurisdiction over your response. If your education and appearance warrant negative reactions. Don't exacerbate the situation or permit yourself to call attention to the difference within your thoughts. It will inevitably seep out in your speech or body language.

You have to take the higher road and set an example. Pray for them and demonstrate kindness and gentleness. They aren't going anywhere. If they're close it makes sense to seek peace if possible.

I'm talking my MIL and her daughters. My family says perhaps they're jealous. The sisters are like 300-400 lbs and are college drop outs. His mom hates that they dropped out. I ended up with a masters just a few years ago and I work in the school system my husband's grandmother retired from. My MIL is really disgusted with her. So maybe just my looks (I'm really not a gem LOL) and my success may be a factor.

That's a significant amount of weight. I wouldn't be surprised if they questioned their attractiveness. Especially in a culture that prefers a different aesthetic. Add in the educational differences and the situation is ripe for prodding. Rather than respond in kind, turn it on its head. Encourage them. If you're good at maintaining your weight share your favorite recipes that aren't fattening. Compliment them. Be nice.

One of the daughters was planning on becoming a teacher. His sisters are vulgar. One is "super Christian" and the other claims to not be super religious, and loves occult stuff. They're so loud, I have left my MILs house with a migraine. I dread having to be around them. It usually goes well when I go over but then it's just like out of nowhere they're just rude and act like babies. Sadly, they're older than me and I turn 30 next week.

It will be difficult to have harmony when you're all drawing distinctions between yourselves. Read your words aloud. If you heard the same from another would you assume they're speaking of relatives or someone else? Is your frustration directed in the right place? Did you compromise your standard for the union and regret the decision later?

I have some OCD stuff going on. It's bad intrusive thoughts I have to hide that a lot. I get really quiet when it happens and my husband can tell, but he doesn't go all mean on me or anything. It can make me seem different or seem irritated, but I'm not when it happens. I hope today goes better than yesterday. Thanks, Bella!

Rekindle your bible reading and listening to edifying messages. Don't give voice to negative thoughts or feelings. Love covers a multitude of sins. Not reminders of mistakes and bad decisions. You must determine to love them all. No matter what. The same way God loves us in spite of our warts and failings. They're your family.

~Bella

 

[Mountainmanbob]

I would wager that neither of you know how to minister to the other.

Nor care to possibly?
Takes two that want, care and love.

True,
might consider counseling?

M

 

[now faith]

From what you have said tells a lot about things that are a bit one sided.
I am being honest by saying you may take your responsibility for some of this yourself.
Your Husband works for your family?
You have said Your Dad is difficult but is very sick?
You are having a emotional relationship on line?
Your Husband is ok with that?
Does He see what You are posting?
would he approve of what you have shared here?
How would you deal with your husband flirting and talking about you on Face book?
His Family is disconnected from you ,and you imply they are not sincere Christians who eat too much and are all over weight?
Who's fault is it your Husband cannot afford to buy a better home?
If His folks did not provide a home,what kind of place would you have?
I see that everything is others fault,yet you have a boyfriend on Facebook.
Your aware of emotional cheating why?
It's not Cheating if it's not physical?
it is,your heart is being shared with another,and that puts a wedge in your marriage.
You have thought of the d word,where would you go?
There is a lot that we do not know about here,so we fill in the blanks.
If my Wife was doing that on Face book I would slam doors.
if She acted as if I was not a good provider,its possible i would wonder how
well off her friend was.
truthfully this whole thing seem ambiguous to me.
my prayers are going out for you and family.