Hello. I am wondering where to post this question.
I have tried to embrace Christianity. Jesus seems to be the truth. I have good reason to believe He did in fact heal people and came back to life after being crucified. But I cannot understand how "God's gifts" and "God" are not the same. I do not understand why I am supposed to be stripped of everything, my health, my friends, all hope, so I can "focus on God". There is so much talk of "learning to rely entirely on God" and "needing nothing but God" ... what does that even mean? Am I supposed to be happy in a dark empty room with no food and no escape, happy just thinking about "God"? What is God without His handiwork? Isn't God to be found in every bit of Creation, including food, shelter, a healthy body, friends, art, music?
I was OK as long as I believed evil was a mistake, some kind of virus in the system that needs to be worked out carefully before Creation can be renewed. But the more I read the Bible the more it seems that evil was created on purpose, that everything was planned before the world was begun... which makes it hard to understand how God could feel anger about anything that happened (ie "righteous wrath"), being that HE HIMSELF planned it. Once I started seeing evil as God's work, "God" became the senseless deity that He was to me before I sought refuge in Christianity. So I am back at square one, but worse.
So now I am scared that if I empower myself or try to improve my life, I will be sent to hell. Being tormented is not making me "more spiritual", whatever that means. I feel like Christianity has turned me into a mental patient.
I am also disappointed. At first, as health problems cropped up after becoming Christian, I thought, "AHA! This is satan trying to stop me!" But now, a few years later...the health problems keep coming, and I'm just tired of what seems like a mind game. I thought there would be revelations. I thought that there would be "peace, joy, and comfort". I tried to comfort myself by saying, "I will die soon, then I will escape this and go to my REAL life! Life will finally begin once I die!" But I don't even believe it anymore.
I have witnessed what I felt was pure evil. I have not recovered. That's what pushed me to Jesus. If Jesus does not work out for me, I am alone with that evil, again, forever in my memory and darkening my soul. I can't turn back... where can I go?
I would appreciate any kind of insight. Thank you.
I have tried to embrace Christianity. Jesus seems to be the truth. I have good reason to believe He did in fact heal people and came back to life after being crucified. But I cannot understand how "God's gifts" and "God" are not the same. I do not understand why I am supposed to be stripped of everything, my health, my friends, all hope, so I can "focus on God". There is so much talk of "learning to rely entirely on God" and "needing nothing but God" ... what does that even mean? Am I supposed to be happy in a dark empty room with no food and no escape, happy just thinking about "God"? What is God without His handiwork? Isn't God to be found in every bit of Creation, including food, shelter, a healthy body, friends, art, music?
I was OK as long as I believed evil was a mistake, some kind of virus in the system that needs to be worked out carefully before Creation can be renewed. But the more I read the Bible the more it seems that evil was created on purpose, that everything was planned before the world was begun... which makes it hard to understand how God could feel anger about anything that happened (ie "righteous wrath"), being that HE HIMSELF planned it. Once I started seeing evil as God's work, "God" became the senseless deity that He was to me before I sought refuge in Christianity. So I am back at square one, but worse.
So now I am scared that if I empower myself or try to improve my life, I will be sent to hell. Being tormented is not making me "more spiritual", whatever that means. I feel like Christianity has turned me into a mental patient.
I am also disappointed. At first, as health problems cropped up after becoming Christian, I thought, "AHA! This is satan trying to stop me!" But now, a few years later...the health problems keep coming, and I'm just tired of what seems like a mind game. I thought there would be revelations. I thought that there would be "peace, joy, and comfort". I tried to comfort myself by saying, "I will die soon, then I will escape this and go to my REAL life! Life will finally begin once I die!" But I don't even believe it anymore.
I have witnessed what I felt was pure evil. I have not recovered. That's what pushed me to Jesus. If Jesus does not work out for me, I am alone with that evil, again, forever in my memory and darkening my soul. I can't turn back... where can I go?
I would appreciate any kind of insight. Thank you.
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