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Deeply troubled, please help.

Discussion in 'Exploring Christianity' started by desperate, Jan 20, 2020.

  1. desperate

    desperate New Member

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    Hello. I am wondering where to post this question.

    I have tried to embrace Christianity. Jesus seems to be the truth. I have good reason to believe He did in fact heal people and came back to life after being crucified. But I cannot understand how "God's gifts" and "God" are not the same. I do not understand why I am supposed to be stripped of everything, my health, my friends, all hope, so I can "focus on God". There is so much talk of "learning to rely entirely on God" and "needing nothing but God" ... what does that even mean? Am I supposed to be happy in a dark empty room with no food and no escape, happy just thinking about "God"? What is God without His handiwork? Isn't God to be found in every bit of Creation, including food, shelter, a healthy body, friends, art, music?

    I was OK as long as I believed evil was a mistake, some kind of virus in the system that needs to be worked out carefully before Creation can be renewed. But the more I read the Bible the more it seems that evil was created on purpose, that everything was planned before the world was begun... which makes it hard to understand how God could feel anger about anything that happened (ie "righteous wrath"), being that HE HIMSELF planned it. Once I started seeing evil as God's work, "God" became the senseless deity that He was to me before I sought refuge in Christianity. So I am back at square one, but worse.

    So now I am scared that if I empower myself or try to improve my life, I will be sent to hell. Being tormented is not making me "more spiritual", whatever that means. I feel like Christianity has turned me into a mental patient.

    I am also disappointed. At first, as health problems cropped up after becoming Christian, I thought, "AHA! This is satan trying to stop me!" But now, a few years later...the health problems keep coming, and I'm just tired of what seems like a mind game. I thought there would be revelations. I thought that there would be "peace, joy, and comfort". I tried to comfort myself by saying, "I will die soon, then I will escape this and go to my REAL life! Life will finally begin once I die!" But I don't even believe it anymore.

    I have witnessed what I felt was pure evil. I have not recovered. That's what pushed me to Jesus. If Jesus does not work out for me, I am alone with that evil, again, forever in my memory and darkening my soul. I can't turn back... where can I go?

    I would appreciate any kind of insight. Thank you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2020
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  2. redleghunter

    redleghunter Thank You Jesus! Supporter

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    Perhaps a review of the story of God’s redemption and restoration is in order.


    Creation

    God
    The story begins with God, who has always been. He has always existed, and He has always existed exactly as He is now. If it seems confusing, it’s because He’s beyond what anyone can fully comprehend.

    Genesis 1:1 Psalms 90:2

    Creation
    In the beginning, God spoke and everything came into existence. By His command, the entire universe was created and filled with a dramatic display of galaxies, stars, and planets— including Earth, on which was a perfect garden of paradise called Eden. Of all the beauty He created, the masterpiece was a man and a woman. God made Adam and Eve in His image to reflect Him. They were created with the grand purpose of worshipping Him by loving Him, serving Him, and enjoying relationship with Him.

    Harmony
    By God’s design, all of creation was in harmony and was exactly the way it was supposed to be. During this time there was no pain, suffering, sickness or death. There was complete love, acceptance, and intimacy between God and man, between Adam and Eve, and throughout creation. But something tragic happened...

    The Fall

    Disobedience
    Adam and Eve were far from being equal to God, yet He lovingly placed them in charge of all He had created in Eden. He gave them the freedom to make decisions and govern the earth with one rule: not to eat fruit from a specific tree. One day, God’s enemy, a fallen angel named Satan, wanted to overthrow God so he took the form of a serpent and lied to Adam and Eve. He deceived them into thinking God was not good and did not have their best interest in mind. As a result, they knowingly disobeyed God. In rebellion, Adam and Eve ate the fruit, deciding that they, not God, would determine right and wrong.

    Consequence
    The consequences of their actions were devastating! Like a virus, sin entered into all of creation and into the hearts of Adam and Eve. Sin, suffering, and pain were passed down from generation to generation; all of creation was distorted from its original design. We have all read or heard the stories of war, poverty, disease, greed, and scandals that plague our world today. Those are all a result of sin.

    Romans 3:10 Romans 3:19

    Need
    When we think about the perfection and love that existed at the beginning of creation, we realize “we are far more flawed and far more sinful than we can dare imagine.” Just think of the grudges we’ve held, the lies we’ve told, the thoughts we’d never dare say aloud. An honest glance into our own hearts reveals the truth: We are all guilty. Everyone has sinned, and the ultimate consequence, even worse than physical death, is eternal separation from a loving God, in terrible misery and unhappiness. Because of all this, we need to consider the questions: Can anything be done? Is there any hope?

    The Rescue

    Promise made
    God removed Adam and Eve from Eden as a result of their sin but left them with a promise of rescue and hope. He promised them one of their descendants would someday rescue mankind from sin. Over the next centuries, God prepared the way for this person who would become the Savior of the world. Exact details of His birth, life, and death were recorded in the Bible many centuries before His coming. In fact, the whole Bible ultimately points to this one person as the focal point of all human history. His purpose in coming was “to seek and to save what was lost” (Luke 19:10). So who was He?

    Promise kept
    The promised Savior, simply, was God. God became human in the person of Jesus Christ almost 2,000 years ago, fulfilling all the predictions in the Old Testament. Jesus’ birth was miraculous since His mother was a virgin. His life was unique: He perfectly enjoyed and obeyed God without sin. This ultimately led to His agonizing death on a cross as He willingly, obediently, and sufficiently died to pay for the sins of mankind, according to God’s plan. In the greatest display of mercy and grace the world has ever known, Jesus’ life and death became a substitute for all who would trust in Him. The perfectly innocent died to rescue the hopelessly guilty from sin and Satan.

    But the grave couldn’t hold Jesus. Three days later, Jesus emerged from His tomb, fulfilling His earthly mission to defeat sin by dying on the cross and to defeat death by rising from the dead—just as God promised. Forty days later He returned to Heaven where He reigns as the rightful King.

    But the story doesn’t end there...

    1 Peter 3:18 Galatians 1:4

    The Restoration


    All Things New
    For all those who trust in Jesus alone, God has also promised He will make all things new. The new heaven and new earth will be completely free of sin and selfishness—a place of perfect friendship with God, others, and all creation. No more shattering earthquakes, devastating tsunamis or violent storms will plague the earth. No more pain, broken hearts, sickness or death to trouble us.

    Everything will be restored to the way it was meant to be. The new earth will once again be the perfect home God intended for His creation. God’s original purpose will flourish, as those who trust in His rescue will enter into the grand purpose of worshipping Him by loving Him, serving Him, and enjoying relationship with Him forever.

    Revelation 21:4

    Forever with God
    The most wonderful part of this new world is that we will be with God forever, experiencing complete joy. We will be restored to a perfect relationship with the One who created, loved, and died for us. C. S. Lewis, scholar and children’s author, compared the first step into this new world as “Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

    Rescue by Faith Alone
    Faith is simple trust in Jesus Christ alone to save you. It means instead of believing you can rescue yourself from the consequences of sin, you transfer your trust to the rescue He purchased for you by His death. Your allegiance is now to Jesus, The King. Those who place their trust in anything other than Jesus will find themselves forever separated from the loving God who gave His one and only Son to set us free from the bondage of sin. This painful separation is called Hell.
    Ephesians 2:8–9


    Response
    God is inviting you to be part of the story He is writing throughout the ages to come. He is offering salvation to you today, which is your invitation to the rescue God offers. You can embrace the rescue of God by simply:

    • Admitting your need to God
    • Asking Him to forgive you
    • Trusting in Jesus alone to rescue you
    • Following Jesus Christ, The King of your life, in faith from this day forward

    The moment you trust Jesus Christ, you become a CHILD of God and His Spirit begins to LIVE inside of you. You have become part of His story. The more you grow in your relationship with God, the more of His story you will begin to see & understand in your life. All of your sin, past and future, is forgiven, and you now find total acceptance before Him. When you begin this relationship, Jesus promises to be with you through all the UPS and DOWNS and in the joys and difficulties of this life. He loves you with an EVERLASTING, unchanging love. And not only has He promised eternal life, but He came so that you could also experience purpose, fulfillment, and freedom in this life.

    John 6:47
     
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  3. joshua 1 9

    joshua 1 9 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    God's gifts are from the Holy Spirit. (Genesis 1:26) "Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness" Us means Father - Son - Holy Spirit. We are Body Mind & Soul. The mind is to rule over the body. I was seeking God and He lead me to Jesus, Jesus lead me to the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit lead me back to Jesus and Jesus lead me back to the Father.
    God wants us healthy and He wants us to prosper. He wants the best for us. He gives us all of our gifts, talents and abilities before we are even born. He writes the book of our life: every chapter and ever verse. He does a work in our life so that we can become the people He created us to be. So we can bring HIM honor and glory.
    We rely on God because He is a lot smarter then us. We pretty much make a mess out of things and we are not really able to figure it out apart from God. He has answers to all the quetions, He has solutions to whatever problems we encounter in life. Science or man can not come near to providing for us what God has to offer.
    As Dylon says, you can serve God or you can serve the devil but you got to serve one or the other. I already pointed out that we are not smart enough to do it on our own apart from God.
     
  4. desperate

    desperate New Member

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    @redleghunter So, you are agreeing that I should focus on Jesus as a symbol of death, death that will lead to rebirth in a better place where I can have a good life? Is this existence just a dark illusion to be despised, as I wait for the real life to begin?

    Thank you for your response.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
  5. desperate

    desperate New Member

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    @Joshua19 I appreciate your response but I do not understand it.
     
  6. joshua 1 9

    joshua 1 9 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    We need the Mind of Christ. That is what it means to be born again and a new creation in Christ. This is all the world of the Holy Spirit. He is our Comforter our Guide and our Teacher. So we can be right with God.
     
  7. desperate

    desperate New Member

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    @Joshua19

    I appreciate your response. I just don't feel the Mind of Christ in my head. I feel very tired. I do not feel comforted. I want to receive wisdom and knowledge from outside myself, but it's not there.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
  8. SeventyOne

    SeventyOne Well-Known Member

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    I must confess, I don't understand what you mean by it 'not working out'. Either you've been justified, forgiven, given the Spirit, and adopted into His family, or you have not.

    That said, we aren't promised a life of warm fuzzy feelings, health and wealth. Although, I do understand there are those lying to us, saying such things. Like anyone else, we have troubles, persecution, sorrows, death. We also have times of joy, happiness, laughter, friendship, etc.

    What I can tell you is this, my life has had a lot of good times and a lot of bad, but what I can see with great clarity is the way my life has been maneuvered by him. Where I've lived, occupations I've held, people I've met. Sometimes it's been more overt. Last year I had an expense which was almost $4k, which is a lot for me. That same week, I received a letter from the treasury office of a state I moved from 4 years before, stating they had unclaimed money for me and to contact them. The amount was about $85 less than what I just had to pay. Later, on a whim, I checked to see if my wife had any money coming back. She did. It was around $85. I've also learned that when I find myself in a position where I have a surplus of money, it's preceding generally some expense with a cost right in that range. Many times He's chosen to provide beforehand as well.

    Long story short, He provides and He answers prayers, but not every answer is yes, and there is no promise that we will not face hardships along the way, even extremely severe ones. Many, even today, end up being tortured and killed, but our hope is in knowing without a doubt that He will never leave or forsake us in this world or the next.
     
  9. Darko87

    Darko87 New Member

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    Do not wait to feel that you are made whole, but say, “I believe it; it is so, not because I feel it, but because God has promised.” SC 51.2

    I warmly recommend you to read that chapter or whole book. Steps to Christ
     
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  10. Jeshu

    Jeshu Bought by His Blood Supporter

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    For years i struggled like you with understanding God but i found Him in love. To love Him, self and neighbour was God's design from the start. He loved everything to be good thus He Created it like that. God does not will evil. He suffers it, all the time and hates it with a pure hatred. He loves good to rule our hearts and minds.

    You build on the sifting sands of our understanding, not understanding that new life in Christ means we become loving people. Now in love you can always communicate with God, for God is love. He knows that language the best that is why He wrote us the word to teach us how to identify good and evil and how to be saved from evil when we are overcome by it.

    Try loving Jesus for dying for your bad life to preserve your good life. Honest loving Him for loving us sinners is such a great door through which we can enter Heaven and have a talk with our Heavenly Father. Communication restored.

    Try giving Him your bad life e.g; your doubt, unbelief, hopelessness, despair, bitterness, anger, desolation, loneliness and letting Him cultivate His good life, eg; love, long suffering, gentleness, joy, kindness, humbleness, and fearlessness back into your heart through the bond of love. The more i gave Him my bad life and left it with Him the more my life improved and good life came to battle my battles for me. The more i loved Jesus, the more good life came my way and so on. Without a doubt Jesus is an awesome Saviour and He wants to rescue you too.

    Pour out your heart to Him and keep doing that until all your bad life is in His hands and you begin to receive His good life in its stead. Love Him for saving you from evil, the very evil that is making your life so sour now, and you will soon look back at this time from a completely different perspective. Life in His love is best ever for then we can fight even severe set backs and overcome the negativity attacking. His love brings us true Rest.

    Be of good courage.
     
  11. ChristopherHays

    ChristopherHays Member

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    You’re not alone. Christianity tries to solve problems it can’t and ends up making everything worse. The Bible has no logical answers to suffering. It tries, but the fact remains that an all powerful god who allows evil is himself responsible for it (directly or by extension) I used to be a Christian until I went on a journey similar to yours. In my opinion, the peace and comfort you seek begins with dropping religion. You don’t have to fear hell. You don’t have to feel like somethings wrong with you when you can’t feel the Holy Spirit. You don’t have to stress over unanswered prayers. You can be free from the guilt, free from the fear, and free from the impossible expectations. It’s a long hard journey, I haven’t completed it myself, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel; there is hope for a future outside Christianity. I would recommend you post a similar thread on ex-christian.net. There’s wisdom in exploring different perspectives even if you’re skeptical.

    I’m sincerely trying to offer help from my perspective... so anyone who doesn’t appreciate this post, please respect my intentions.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
  12. BrotherD

    BrotherD Thus Saith The Lord

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    That book has opened up a whole new understanding of the Lord and what he requires.
     
  13. Aussie Pete

    Aussie Pete Well-Known Member Supporter

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    God did not create evil. God is 100% good. God did not create man evil. The evil in the world is a result of man's disobedience to a very simple instruction.

    Satan is entirely evil. When man disobeyed God, he became, if you will, the portal for evil into the world. The system we live in is Satan's. It is not of God. That is why we need the Kingdom of God and why God needs the cooperation of men to evict Satan.

    That is why the "Lord's Prayer" includes "do not lead us into hard testing but deliver us from evil". I was suffering a great deal, not as bad as you, but hard enough. I was in an impossible situation when I recalled that line, I believe prompted by the Holy Spirit. I asked just that, "Deliver me from evil". Within moments help arrived. The people who helped me were complete strangers who "just happened" to be Christians.

    Somehow you seem to have picked up a wrong concept of what it means to be a Christian. God asks us to hand over our lives completely to Him. That means to accept the Lordship of Christ absolutely. That seems to be harsh. I used to fear God's will so I balked at the idea for a long time. Then I found that 99% of my troubles were self-inflicted. The day I gave the responsibility of my Christian life to Jesus was the day life began to turn around.

    There is the enemy of our souls prowling around, trying to get us off track. Satan is your enemy. God is your friend.

    I came to the place of decision. Go on or go back to the world? My heart agrees with Peter - "Where else can we go? You have the words of eternal life". I went on. I am divorced, I did not see my kids for 15 years, I had problems financially, arguments with God, I got deceived and my life seemed to be a stumble from one disaster to another. But God was always there. He never leaves us or forsakes us.

    One time I was suicidal. I'd decided enough was enough. Even in that state, God broke through my depression and got me back on track.

    One of the many lessons I learned was that the Christian life is not automatic. The Bible tells us to resist the devil for a reason. If we do not, we become his prisoner. Being Satan's whipping boy is no fun.

    How much time do you spend studying God's word? Have you got to know Jesus as a real person or just a historical figure? I heard about an amazing place called the Grand Canyon. People said you can't imagine how wonderful it is. I went there 3 years ago. It is breathtaking. So now I know by experience, not just from a travel guide. The Bible is like that travel guide. Our time in fellowship with Jesus is getting to know Him in experience.

    I suggest that you read two books, "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee and "War on the Saints" by Jesse Penn-Lewis. The first book is the positive about the real Christian life. The second is an expose of Satan's tricks to hinder Christians, and how to get free.

    "Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all". Freedom awaits you. It won't be easy, but you have God on your side. Stay the course and you will win through.
     
  14. rturner76

    rturner76 Senior Veteran Supporter

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    Many times we get caught up in seeking a physical feeling of God's presence and proof that he heals the faithful.

    It says in the Bible that God is sovereign. That means he heals who he chooses. We should always have faith in his plan but he has reasons for allowing sickness and sin to live in the world.

    For me, I feel God's presence most when I am serving others. The feeling of having helped someone in secret without being asked is like when I feel closest to God. When you do for others, you are doing God's positive work in the world. You are actually bringing God into the world in a literal way. Searching my soul for gratitude though near impossible sometimes when I am in the pit of depression and anxiety. allows me some reassurance that God deas love me and he does many good things for me.

    Above all else, remember that God is love and I mean that is where he is present in a place we can see and feel him.
     
  15. ~Anastasia~

    ~Anastasia~ † Handmaid of God † Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    Lord have mercy (which is a prayer, not a comment).

    Welcome to CF. I hope you can find the help you need here.

    There is much that needs to be said, but I think the most important is that yes, you have a very wrong idea of WHO God is. He did not create evil, He did not deliberately plant it. But He allowed the dignity of free will to us (because we are made in His image and He is free) and to His angels (some of which chose to oppose Him, and that is the beginning of evil).

    God is love. He is not angry and looking to punish people. Many times Christians view the Bible as the Jews did without understanding really what Christ Himself taught and have various misconceptions about God. To be honest, I think these wrong ideas do great danger to many people and push them away. The only consolation is that the "god" they reject is not the real God anyway, so they may find His mercy in the end after all.

    Sin and death ARE like a cancer or virus that have entered creation (which God's creation was "very good" and THAT is His desire - and at the end of this age He will make it so again).

    Death wasn't a punishment, it was a consequence. Like if you shut yourself into a cabinet you can't see the light anymore. Adam and Eve cut themselves from communion with God, who is the source of life, so they began to die.

    And sin, death, sickness, evil, poverty, hatred, and all the rest have happened as a result.

    It is God's loving desire to draw all people back to Himself, to heal them, and to restore all.

    I'm not sure where you got the idea that you should be happy just living and having only God, not food, health, and so on. There are some who practice acesticism (denying the flesh) who progress to such a point, but that's not something a person should just undertake and expect to happen. It is a high spiritual state and requires a LOT of foundation, can be done wrongly (in many ways), and just isn't something to even discuss or consider for new Christians.

    We will all suffer in life to varying degrees. The good news is that we might turn to God in our suffering and be comforted and so draw closer to Him. But we might miss that opportunity too. God doesn't will us to suffer. It's just a mercy that He CAN use it if we cooperate.

    It might be necessary for a person who, for example, has no compassion and so no love for others, and by suffering that person might learn compassion and love. But most suffering is just because the world is fallen.

    I know I'm telling you a lot. But it is CRUCIAL that we understand Who God really is. Too much of Christianity paints a warped picture, and they DO make God into some kind of monster that non-believers are right to reject, to be honest.

    I've been through many denominations myself in my life, so I know what many teach. And it can confuse. I'm thankful to have been pointed back to the writings of the earliest Christians. It's like the veil for me was drawn back and I could finally see that God truly IS love, and why evil happens, and finally it all made sense.

    That doesn't mean it's all warm-fuzzy feelings all the time. Life is about growth and becoming like Christ, through turning away from sin, caring for others, and so on. But that process leads to seeing God in creation and focusing on what is good, and comfort in all situations.

    I pray you will find help and begin to see clearly and put away the wrong ideas about God. I know that's a miserable place to be.

    God be with you and have mercy on you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
  16. tampasteve

    tampasteve Steadfast Lutheran Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

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    MOD HAT ON

    This thread has been moved to a more appropriate forum.

    MOD HAT OFF
     
  17. TzephanYahu

    TzephanYahu Member

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    Shalom @desperate,

    I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Are you under the impression that you have to abandon everything and live in darkness for God? Or rather is it the "why"?

    Absolutely and amen. I'm not sure who told you about living in a dark room or whatever.

    Well, I would say if you are looking to go anywhere opposite from the Messiah, please PM me first! I am more than happy to discuss this matter with you, as it's a big subject, and my door is always open. Only don't walk away from Him OR stay with Him with a heart of reluctance.

    It seems you have an initial with God creating evil, which many believers run into as a hurdle. But trust me, once you understand this correctly, it will bring you great peace and wisdom.

    For now, let me leave you with analogy...

    An axe, in itself, is evil in a way. It's only designed for splitting, cutting and tearing apart. It cannot heal or fix or bring comfort, but it is purely designed to cut and divide. To a tree, the axe could be seen as evil and enemy, if you will.

    However, in the hands of a master craftsman, the axe can be used on the tree to create a beautiful sculpture, as he chips and cuts away what is not needed. The craftsman's intentions and motives are good, yet he must use what is in essence "evil" to establish and bring forth the beautiful vision he has for that tree.

    Anyway - the offer stands. It is a big subject and you don't have to tackle it alone. I've been there and asked all the questions you have. But whether you speak with me, or many others, don't stop asking questions and seeking!! As the answers are out there.

    Remember to pray to the Most High each day for Wisdom and Understanding, in the name of the Messiah, and He will reward you.

    Love & Shalom
     
  18. Sanoy

    Sanoy Well-Known Member

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    It's not as you imagine. Were not called to asceticism. We are called to eat from the right table. There are two tables set before us, a table set by God, and a table set by the world. The table set by the world will nourish our bodies desires, but they will not nourish their health, nor save our souls from death. The table set by the Lord will nourish our spirit with life, and our bodies. It is in these difficult moments that the two tables become so evidently clear, because we are placed in a situation where we are no longer nourished in body. We are left with the choice to eat from the Lords table during those times, solely for the desire of His table and His kingdom, rather than for the earthly blessing they provide. This was the test of Job, he ate from the Lords table, and his possessions were increased, but did he eat because he loved the Lords table, or the earthly blessing that came as a result. In that he was put to the test, as we all are. Jesus was led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit to test His heart, and we, in various ways and depths will also be led into the wilderness to be tested. To see whether we eat for the sake of His kingdom, or our place on earth. We are called to believe, and to regularly position ourselves for the Holy Spirit to transform us. It is for that reason that in James 1:2 he calls us to rejoice in our trials, because if we allow the Spirit into our trial, He will work out a transformation in us. This life is our childhood, and we are growing into adulthood, being transformed by the Holy Spirit.
     
  19. Maria Billingsley

    Maria Billingsley Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Sometimes a journey is required in order for a person to come to an understanding. And for some insight, it is not about us, it is about Him. Focus on what you can do for your God rather than what your God can do for you. Receive His Holy Spirit and be in His Body.
    Blessings
     
  20. DLovingBrother

    DLovingBrother New Member

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    Hi desperate,

    There is hope.


    When a person lends ears to wrong ideas or wrong interpretations of God’s word, it starts to pile up and causes confusion. Let me try to explain. You said that “evil was a mistake,” “evil was created on purpose,” that God “being that HE HIMSELF planned it,” and “I started seeing evil as God's work.” If you backpedal a bit, God created angels with free will. Free will is the capacity to make a choice, going left or going right, going with God or against Him. Then He created humans with free will as well.


    Lucifer was created as the brightest among the angels but started to believe in his wrong ideas that he can do better than God, he can overthrow God, and so on. So, he started to believe in wrong ideas and they started to pile up. It was his free will to go against God, and he coerced other angels, but many more CHOSE [using their free will] to stay with God. Instead of confessing, Satan continued to scheme against God to derail whatever God was doing. And he duped the first humans, with a supposed choice between staying as mere humans or eating the fruit and thus becoming like God. He cleverly disguised the truth which is that it really was a choice of going with him versus going with God. Again, false ideas. Evil was not a mistake, evil was not God’s mistake, and God has nothing to do with evil. Evil is the misuse and abuse of the gift of free will. Without free will there is no choice and we will all be like cows in a meadow.


    But why did God allow Lucifer to become Satan and mess us up? Only He knows but I do know that God is the master of redemption and so we can put out some thoughts here. All the humans God will ever create are very welcome to spend eternity with Him but Satan wanted to derail that and as his purpose is to kill, steal and destroy, he will use everything to deceive, mislead every human that he can. But God is undaunted because He knows that there is still something good that will come out of it. Now, only those who want to sincerely spend eternity with Him, WILL spend eternity with Him. Some simply believe in the little that hey know of Him, some want as many reasonable answers as possible, some believe because their parents did but still they believe, and on and on, the reasons vary for every person. But the bottom line is Satan’s scheme is eventually helping separate the sheep from the goats, the wheat from the weeds. And it is all based on each person’s free will.


    C.S. Lewis said that if the Bible or Christianity is not true, then it is of no importance. But if it is, then it is of infinite importance. It is easy to say “do not fear hell,” because we are still here but we will eventually find out and if it is as he Bible describes it, I don’t want to end up there. So before you turn away from your faith, make really, really, really sure, because no amount of regret will ever undo it. It is sad that there are so many Christians who are well meaning but give all kinds of wrong answers and misleading ideas.


    You said, “health problems cropped up after becoming Christian,” “a few years later...the health problems keep coming, and I'm just tired of what seems like a mind game.” Well, friend, how do you know that you will not have the same health problems if you were not a Christian? All the suffering today are based on choices piled up, the foundation of which is in Genesis 3. As years go on, the effect of all these continue to pile up. While we focus on suffering, we forget that there are many who try to help, good hearted neighbors and volunteers, doctors, ordinary bystanders, etc. But of course, there seems to be more criminals, more hateful people, etc. But that is not on God, that is the exercise of free will.


    You said, “I thought there would be revelations.” All the revelation we need have been written down, it is now a matter of really understanding God’s word and using our God-given minds to see what is true and what is not. You said, “I thought that there would be "peace, joy, and comfort". “ First of all, it is our enemy who put us through these and it has now snowballed. Have you been to a third world country where people eat just once a day, poverty, health problems? Many of them have joy with the little piece of bread that they have. The peace and joy that the Bible mentions is not based on material stuff or circumstances but something deeper, not like the actors in car commercials once they enter the luxury vehicle. It is peace and joy even in the midst of trials. And I do not know we’re supposed to expect comfort, Jesus said that in this world we will have trials and tribulations.


    You can find many answers in these web sites: str.org, CrossExamined.org Official Website, Impact Apologetics - Destroying Arguments and Taking Every Thought Captive to Christ!, Defending Biblical Christianity | Reasonable Faith. Finally, read about Joni Eareckson Tada and Nick Vujicic, maybe you will get some perspective.
     
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