- Apr 25, 2019
- 208
- 102
- 22
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
So right now I don't know what to think. I feel really apathetic about God and everything recently. I've had thoughts that maybe I should just give up on God right here and right now, whatever. Why bother? Is it even worth it? I can't say I hate my sins or that I love God or anything. I don't even know if I want to feel those ways again. Everything is just eh or whatever. Before, when I'd feel these ways, I would cry out for God to change my heart and let me feel the right ways and everything, and I think I truly wanted to change and to have those right feelings. But now, I don't even know if I want to change. I know that I should, and I know I should want to, and I know that the penalty of not following God is much greater than the cost of following Him, but nothing seems to be motivating me. I don't even know what I want anymore. I feel disconnected. Is this it? Am I done? Am I past the point of no return? Honestly, I don't even know if I'm worried about that even. Like, why does it feel like I don't care about anything anymore? Is all my fear gone? I'm having thoughts that since I'm past returning or whatever, I should just move on with life without a care, sinning willy nilly, since I won't matter anyway. Why don't I feel concerned about this? What is actually happening? Has it finally happened? Have I reached the point of no return, my mind and heart fully hardened to God? Why? What caused this? What is actually going on? Why am I not scared? Why am I not begging for mercy? Why am I not agonizing over this? What do I even do now? Nothing I say to myself, nothing I do will change this or convince me to feel differently or think differently. I feel stuck in this with no escape. Also, the antichrist thoughts are coming back, of course. Do they even bother me anymore? What if I really do want to be against God? Do I? Why am I not afraid of that? What is actually happening? Why don't I feel fear of hell? Do I really think that he'll isn't that bad? Do I really think I could bear the flames of hell? Or worse, do I think hell will be cool or fun or something weird and horrible like that? If hell didn't exist, or if hell was just a place where the sinner keeps sinning, would I care that much? Would I rather go to hell to keep sinning? Do I think sin will be pleasurable in hell, or that hell is better than heaven? Why do I find God boring? My main goal in life seems to be making myself happy and comfortable, which meant following God to escape hell. But now that I don't fear hell, is my want to be with God also gone? I don't understand. I feel like I don't even want to serve God or be with Him or in His presence, or to want to serve Him. I really only care about preserving myself and moving on with life. What has actually happened to me, that I feel these ways now? And why can't I seem to care?