Totally feels like you don't have convictions anymore does it?? Totally feels like you don't love GOD anymore, but you know what, I think I felt the same way, but what your problem might be is pride, just like what I discovered about myself, I remember trying to "feel" godly sorrow just so I could properly repent and grieve over my sins but I just could not even muster up sorrows that leads to repentance, the problem is that I kept looking at myself, about how I felt, about how my heart is so hardened that there may be a point of no return for me, true there comes a point of no return, but here's the thing, I get the fact that having an affection for GOD is a good thing, probably one of the most important aspects, but don't ever forget the most important of all, the works of Christ on the cross, his love for you never depends on how hard your heart is, in fact, he even died for you so you can have a soft heart, though you may have quenched the spirit, I suspect I may have also done the same thing, but maybe not totally in a sense where we basiccally reject him, but we know we don't, why? Because we want him back, and I don't even think I have fully recovered yet, but I found new strength in the works of CHRIST, on the CROSS, that I don't have to try "feel" anymore on my own, Philippians 1:6 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Believe this, if by the grace of GOD you are still able to hold on to this despite how you feel, then that is a good sign, my fellow servant, the very fact that you have not denied christ in your heart is a sign that you have not committed the unpardonable sin, you may have quenched the spirit, but stop looking at your heart, saying "I can't repent", though you may not feel as if your heart has softened, doesn't mean it's over, I think I did ask GOD something about softening my heart, or answering my prayer about rekindling my heart, even I have confested to him what I have done, though in my confession, I didn't feel much change, I confested anyway, brother I was losing hope, faith was my only last option which I chose but still didn't feel softened, then later on I saw this audio clip about Ichabod Spencer "I can't repent" you can search it up on youtube, and you can also install an app called I'll be honest and find it on their app or their youtube channel, but in the audio, I think Spencer does highlight the fact that we try to look presentable "enough" to GOD, we try to be broken "enough" and very possibly that both of us were trying to feel broken "enough" to feel godly sorrows that leads to repentance but we couldn't do it, we try to feel "enough" and when we feel the brokeness, we offer our broken hearts to GOD, but this time, for both of us it didn't work, why do you think that is? Why? Why won't GOD give me feelings so I could feel broken and offer my heart to him? My friend, I think it's good and that we should we give our hearts to GOD, that we offer ourselves to him, and submit to him, but the offering for our sins is probably not our hearts, nor our own efforts to repent, nor our strength to feel broken enough, nor our own works, my friend, let me tell you this, the offering for our sins was done by GOD himself on the cross around 2000 years ago, someone told me this, I guess what the lady to me was saying was back in the old testament, the priest would have a goat, or a lamb as a sacrifice and offerings for our sins, but the priest would try to inspect if the lamb had spots on it or if it was spotless, and if it was spotless then it's good for sacrifice, but notice that the sacrifice was supposed to be a spotless lamb, notice that what the priest inspects or checks is the lamb, not our sins, not our hearts, and same thing for what GOD did on the cross, he had a spotless lamb, he wasn't looking at your heart for a sacrifice, he already had a perfect and a spotless sacrifice that he offered for our sins, the offering is CHRIST, he sacrifices a spotless lamb to cover our sins, so my advice is to look and inspect the lamb, which is CHRIST, not your hearts, I tell you this though I have not fully recovered, my friend though it is good to test our own faith like what the bible says in 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!" we don't want to do it to the point where we basically forget to look to Christ, testing our hearts is good, and if we fail the test, then look to Christ for help, and not despair because of the hardness and ugliness of our hearts and sins. I really encourage you to search up on youtube " I can't repent" by Ichabod Spencer, I think the audio does points out that people like us are not necessarily struggling with not being able to repent, but that we are prideful, we think we must muster up the strength to be broken, we think we must put enough effort, you may have forgotten this because of your backsliding, but having a relationship with Christ is not about being broken "enough" or feeling "enough" or working "enough" stop trying and start resting on the works of CHRIST, Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Let us both stop carrying the weight of our hardened and stony hearts because of our backslidings, but let us learn to be humble and recognize the fact that we will fail if we keep doing it ourselves, "come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest", we both won't be able to feel something for GOD without his power, but the reason why we probably can't even muster up strength to feel much sorrow for our sins or much desire for him is because we try to do it ourselves, and he may have thought something like "it's good that you won't feel this tenderness on your own strength and recognize your failure so that you would trust on my strength and on my works on the cross", you are prideful for thinking that you could just muster it up like before, maybe because you thought it was you who softened your heart the whole time, true you did backslide which displeases him, but he can also do a work in you by making you feel this way as he may have done for me, that we would both recognize this other area of our life, namely how we repent, we both thought GOD would be available later, so we sinned, we both thought we could feel him again, and we find ourselves unable to "feel" and worried that we have sinned to the point of no return, we seek repentance thinking we could not find it because we feel hardened, but maybe it's not even that we could not find repentance, but that we are seeking it in the wrong way, this hardened feeling of our hearts may just be a lesson from GOD to look to him and not on our own hearts, because we mock him everytime we time we strive on our own to repent, and not rely on his works on the cross, my friend, do you want those sensations back? Do you long for his rest again? The Joy you may have once felt, do you miss the strokes of his love, his fire around your heart that kept you warmth and tender, my friend what else makes you think I don't struggle with the same thing as you do? Even as I tell you this, I don't think I have fully recovered, but now I know that I have a GOD to fully rely on rekindling my heart for him, I have a GOD who died for me, if you recognize that you are tempted to despair and lose all hope, or tempted to rely on your strength to muster up the tenderness instead of relying on his spirit, then remember this, 1 corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." Your heart is so prideful you think you were the only one suffering from this kind of problem, the devil temps you into thinking that you're alone and that no one understand you, I think I do understand your case, I was having a hard time looking for people online who have recovered from this kind of stuff, and I may have found people but not 100% sure if they experienced the same thing, but a lot of times I would get a lot of advices on how to soften my hardened heart, but I guess I still wasn't sure if they could relate to me, but here I am, still in the process of recovery, but haven't fully recovered, I think GOD did turn my searching of "who can understand me and help me" into a healing so that if ever I come across such people, then i'll be able to relate to them and help them. And listen to Ichabod Spencer, please do it.
