How can I learn to forgive my wife?

[Neostarwcc]

Thanks for the responses guys. They were helpful. I think step one to forgiving her would be to quit bringing it up. It doesn't really help things any to keep bringing it up and getting into a fight. I mean its going to be hard not to keep bringing it up but I think I can manage.


I think over the course of time through constant prayer and just through the natural flow of time I will learn to forgive her. Thanks a lot for your responses.

 

[Neostarwcc]

You can forgive but you do not have to forget. Your primal instincts kick in to protect your feelings. You are right we are not God and we work in the flesh. Only time will heal and while time passes, focus on the good things about your wife eventually it will outweigh the one bad thing.

I don't think even God forgets either. He just chooses not to remember our sins against him. But he doesn't forget about them. He just doesn't bring them up because how is that forgiveness?

 

[BobRyan]

I don't think even God forgets either. He just chooses not to remember our sins against him. But he doesn't forget about them. He just doesn't bring them up because how is that forgiveness?

If you don't understand that depth of your own depravity and rebellion against God - then it is difficult to appreciate the vastness of what He has done by forgiving you at the cost of His own life and covering your worthless righteousness with His own sinless righteousness.

Until you appreciate the true depravity of your own sinful nature it will be a challenge to have the sense of gratitude from which springs forth forgiveness of others. You will always view yourself as "worthy" and at some level "higher" than those around you whom you deem "defective'. It is the natural state for the sinful nature and is only "fixed" by a fresh look at Christ with Holy Spirit insight into His character and the demands of His universal law of righteousness -- the standard of "right" vs wrong in the universe.

Sinners stand before the bar of justice under the charge of high treason against the government of God. He provides full and complete pardon and forgiveness. But Hebrews 10 makes a good point about those who treat that blood of Christ as though of very little value.

 

[IloveJesus-Ly]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

I prayed that Jesus helps you come to forgive her and that he gives you emotional healing for the hurt that you felt.

 

[Neostarwcc]

I prayed that Jesus helps you come to forgive her and that he gives you emotional healing for the hurt that you felt.

Thanks for the prayers I really appreciate them.

 

[Yarddog]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

No, you're not God but if you are baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit then God loves within you. It is through this Spirit which you can forgive others.

Start by doing some self discernment to find your faults which God forgives you for. We all fall short of God's will and Jesus lived what we cannot live. After leading the perfect life he went to the cross because he loves mankind.

Picture what Jesus suffered and make it real in your soul. Imagine what having spikes driven through your flesh and bone would feel like. Imagine what hanging in the blazing sun for hours would feel like. Imagine a spear thrusting into your ribs would bring forth.

Jesus suffered far more than what you suffer from whatever your wife did.

When you make the cross real, not forgiving becomes impossible.

 

[ml5363]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

Just keep taking it to the Lord in prayer.. try to think of things that made you fall in love with your wife..

A couple years I had a moment where I had enough of a loved one hurting...so cut ties for a couple months...I washed back into...finally one day at the altar I gave it to the Lord, I got up with a tremendous load off and peace ..just keep praying..it will take time

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

I think most if not all of us can be a you know what from time to time, some more than others, and it's helpful to always keep in mind. Why does a Holy and perfect God put up with any of us? We're a mess, and the longer one lives the more it should be realized, because one need not speak or do anything to realize the conflicts going on between the flesh and Spirit, the inner conflicts, and wars waged in our minds and all around us. It's not easy being human, and even less easy for the Christian living against the flow of the world. Give her a break, you may find yourself in need of one.

 

[aiki]

But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is

"Two wrongs don't make a right." In God's eyes, your refusing to forgive is as great an evil as any unkind word your wife may have said to you - perhaps much greater.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you no longer feel the sting of offense, that emotionally you are totally free of resentment. It means you choose not to bring into the present the past failures and offenses of your wife. Forgiveness means you refuse to rehearse the hurt of the past.

You are wanting, it seems, to hurt your wife in the measure you feel she has hurt you. But this sort of ugly selfishness will destroy your marriage rather than strengthen it. Just as Christ loved you when it cost him everything to do so, you are to love your wife even when it costs you to do so.

"Be you kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you "

Some things - like offenses we receive - only grow larger when we fixate on them. Instead of dwelling on the hurt your wife has caused you and how hard it is to forgive her, pray for your wife, thank God for her, lift her up before your Heavenly Father. Turn your mind to God's great forgiveness of you, to His awesome love, mercy and grace that He shows to you every day. Fix your eyes on Him and the hurt you feel will fade.

 

[SamanthaAnastasia]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

Perhaps time may be the best.
Pray for patience and the ability to forgive.
I read something how your spouse is your closest neighbor.
I hope that helps

 

[Blade]

No one but no one controls you. If you do not want to forgive you wont..if you do you will. There is NOTHING in this world that again can control us unless we allow it. I know what its like to fight almost if not every day for YEARS! And to walk in NO forgiveness. ALL sin has a price in this world. So many times we think we can SIN and just OOH JESUS SORRY! And its gone.. most the time true.. but other times.. there is a price. We OPEN that door.. we give the enemy the RIGHT to come in.. to many times its not..oops sorry and close that door and its ok..

See the two shall become ONE! So.. I don't forgive my wife.. holy Jesus.. been there done that. The enemy comes in.. guess what? He may NEVER touch me.. yet I am the on not forgiving.. he can go after my wife.. my kids...we are ONE in GODS eyes. Our silly little not believing dont like.. means nothing.

It takes 2 to fight.. at the start...I can still see her sitting in that car.. windows all clouded.. saying "if you love me you would never do that". Yet I was not the one wrong.. in my eyes. Yet.. it was true.. no matter what she EVER did would do.. If I loved her.. I would never do anything. Thats what I prayed.. God change ME. Never happen over night but IT DID HAPPEN. Now... over 35years later.. I for some odd reason..if she gets mad.. for me its not there..nothing.. just love.

In a fight.. where she was.....really mean.. it was as if timed stopped.. really.. I still remember saying.. THIS is what LOVE really is.. it was SO strange. I had this love I have never had... if this was how she would always be.. this mean day in day out.. words your worst enemy would never say... I would LOVE HER treat her as if she was a queen... as if she was the kindest loving-est (its a word lol)... LOVE YOUR ENEMY. Its the SAME love Christ loves you. See this LOVE comes from HIM...

My brother.. you can forgive her its IN YOU! Christ is in you. Love NEVER thinks of its self 1st...ever. He is IN YOU... me? Yeah.. I don't care what she says does to me.. I LOVE HER. My LOVE is not based on how she treats me. I MEANT the words I said when we got married.. I a book from Det read ..the promises of God. I LOVE my Father .. I LOVE Christ.. I LOVE the sweet sweet Holy Spirit.. its THROUGH Him I can love her. Because HE 1st loved me. Again.. I looked at what LOVE really is.. its NEVER EVER thinking about me. I LOVE her.. good bad evil nice kind loving.. it matters not.

So.. speak it from your heart.. by faith and when that fight pops up.. NOT at her.. you tell the enemy.. WE resist you in JESUS name.. get out. I LOVE My wife...no matter what SHE does.. YOU walk in love you forgive.. YOU be the ..sorry man.. the example.. as Christ is for ALL! Walk as HE did.. its not a saying.. JESUS IS IN YOU..He will NEVER fail you.. you walk by faith HE IS THERE! This LOVE will come.. i

This judge had the right to cast you out forever.. yet He gets up.. takes YOUR place and says.. your free to go.. NOW how do you TREAT others? Freely let them go or.. not.. its YOUR free choice.

 

[SpiritSong]

From my experience, forgiveness is a process. It takes time. I agree that you should refrain from bringing it up. That would be the second step, after your having decided to forgive her, which you did already. If you find yourself thinking about it at all, try to DISTRACT yourself. Play a video game. Watch TV. Read. Also, PRAY THAT GOD WOULD HELP YOU FORGIVE HER, after all, He is the Master Forgiver! Who else better knows how to forgive than Jesus?

 

[NeedyFollower]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

Brother ...It is probably God's way of letting you know that "the old man" is still too much alive in you. ( A dead man does not get his feelings hurt ) For in Christ you died . Whatever she said about you, the truth is worse for we are by nature enemies of God ...cursed and forsaken except for Christ . More like satan than God ...Christ is the only thing we have in common with God and that was a gift . Christ is the only thing your wife has in common with God for in our flesh dwells no good thing . Paul got that and it is for OUR freedom that this is true . Most spouses expect too much from the wicked flesh of their mate ...we should expect worse and be delighted when we receive more . That is the message of grace that you have forgotten . So whatever she said, let her now that she does not know the half of it and then love one another in the one sure thing you both have in common , Jesus Christ . Bless you brother in your journey .

 

[paul becke]

Yep. My late wife could have said anything to me, and I'd still love her. Not long before she died, she was annoyed with me about something and told me that so and so, a friend of her mother's, (whom even they knew was a louche character, seedy to put it mildly, but with bags of money) had said that I wasn't worthy of her.

I made a somewhat satirical remark about him, but seeing the crestfallen look on her face, I chuckled a little and said that well, even a clock is right twice in 24 hours. I also discerned long long ago that she had never stopped loving her first husband, and told her not to feel bad or awkward about it, so it gave me a real buzz when I saw she had written in a recent diary that that was the day years ago when she had first met her first husband.
(I didn't read her diaries, so I must have had some other reason for spotting that).

Annulments are strange things, but the annulment of her first marriage after so many years, helped add forty years to her life, even though I was, in a sense, second best. Both at a very low ebb in our respective lives, we had earlier lived in sin. Perhaps for a year or more. It's not something I've cared to remember. Then a decade or more living chastely. But the difference after our wedding was wonderful, in comparison with our earlier time 'without benefit of clergy'.

We did benefit enormously from the friendship (what Francis calls 'accompaniment') of an Irish priest friend, who I think was about 10 years older than us. A very holy, and wonderfully compassionate man, with a fantastically droll and quirky sense of humour.

Anyway, now, I keep wishing I'd acceded to Athea's every wish, even suggestion - only small things, but they evidently meant something to her, sometimes, a lot. I hope you don't find yourself in such a situation, Neostarwcc. Love your wife, while you can.

 

[paul becke]

From my experience, forgiveness is a process. It takes time. I agree that you should refrain from bringing it up. That would be the second step, after your having decided to forgive her, which you did already. If you find yourself thinking about it at all, try to DISTRACT yourself. Play a video game. Watch TV. Read. Also, PRAY THAT GOD WOULD HELP YOU FORGIVE HER, after all, He is the Master Forgiver! Who else better knows how to forgive than Jesus?

I wonder if he needs to see a psychiatrist, as it sounds very unhealthy to me - especially with his repeatedly upsetting his wife, evidently, deliberately.

 

[paul becke]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

We all have an element of narcissism in us, Neostarwcc, but I wonder if you have ever considered the possibility that you might figure a little more prominently than you would have expected, on the narcissism spectrum ? Repeatedly wanting to upset your wife sounds quite unhealthy to me ; perhaps psychiatric counselling might be helpful, if only to eliminate the possibilty of a pathology. I suspect you may have lost her as a result of your unforgiving harassment.

If it is an entirely spiritual problem, you have Christ's assurance that you will be judged in the manner that you have judged others. You will not be forgiven with your current attitude, so pending the realisation that you are 'no great shakes' yourself (who is ?), if I were you, I would delete, the beautiful religous graphics and quotes from your posts, pending your aknowledgement that you must not condemn your wife, as though you were in a position to do so.

'I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it.'

Accept the hurt. Live with it in holy resignation - until it subsides and you've grown spiritually and been rewarded by God, who we know is never outdone in generosity.

 

[Neostarwcc]

We all have an element of narcissism in us, Neostarwcc, but I wonder if you have ever considered the possibility that you might figure a little more prominently than you would have expected, on the narcissism spectrum ? Repeatedly wanting to upset your wife sounds quite unhealthy to me ; perhaps psychiatric counselling might be helpful, if only to eliminate the possibilty of a pathology. I suspect you may have lost her as a result of your unforgiving harassment.

If it is an entirely spiritual problem, you have Christ's assurance that you will be judged in the manner that you have judged others. You will not be forgiven with your current attitude, so pending the realisation that you are 'no great shakes' yourself (who is ?), if I were you, I would delete, the beautiful religous graphics and quotes from your posts, pending your aknowledgement that you must not condemn your wife, as though you were in a position to do so.

'I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it.'

Accept the hurt. Live with it in holy resignation - until it subsides and you've grown spiritually and been rewarded by God, who we know is never outdone in generosity.

Its funny you should bring mental illness up. I was diagnosed schizo-affective several years ago. So I was thinking that maybe it was my schizo-affective disorder acting up. There are days when I am better and days where I am not. Like maybe I'm manic? But then again I'm sleeping and usually when I'm manic I don't sleep for weeks at a time. So I'm if I'm manic or not. But basically when I'm manic I feel like this so maybe I am being hypomanic? *shrug*.

 

[thesunisout]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

Sometimes you have to keep bringing the offense back to God and ask Him for healing and to put the forgiveness of Christ in your heart for your wife. Keep going back to the alter as many times as it takes. Keep lifting this to the Lord.

 

[ProdigalGander]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

My wife packed-up and left me nearly four years ago. Stole my car. Told all kinds of horrible lies about me. Made false accusations in court filings that I had emotionally abused her. Moved in with and started sleeping with another man who had been in prison. Divorced me. Is about to marry him in a few weeks.

I have forgiven her. Because for the Christian not forgiving someone is NOT AN OPTION! We have been forgiven absolutely EVERYTHING through Christ. So we cannot hold things against any other human being. No matter what they are. When it comes to forgiveness the Bible just paints a big old Nike swoosh on there and says Just Do It.

It sounds as if you had a nasty spat with your wife, but please consider the positives. She is still with you. You can come home and be with her each day. You have very real opportunities to continue your marriage and to make it grow and prosper in the future. I wish I still had that.

Please do not endanger that, or your salvation, by being hard-hearted.

 

[DreamerOfTheHeart]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

It sounds like you are 'asking for her to repay your debt, yet expecting not to have to repay the debt you have been forgiven by God'.

So, the problem is with you, not her.

Why should God forgive your sins - if he has forgiven them - when you are not going to forgive anyone else's sins?

If these statements do not ring a bell with you, then you do not have the word Jesus spoke. As I am merely paraphrasing and quoting what Jesus said. He also said much else on this subject.

The prayer we do contains 'God forgive us our sins, as we forgive others their sins against us'.

If you want God to condemn you using the standards you are using to condemn your wife, then you better be right. 'Because it is by your own standards you are judged, pressed and heaped over.'

But, you are clearly not right here, so this is what Paul said people do, when the approve of sinful behavior, they 'mock God', and warned, 'God is not mocked'.

Therefore, if you want to prevent disaster happening to you, your best bet is to forgive her the debt she owes you.

You owe God a great debt, far greater then she owes you.

So, you are not God, you are right about that.

But, you are only being asked to forgive a very small debt.

Not the debt that God forgave you.

This sort of situation is exactly equal to needling someone for money they owe them, and not giving up.

You don't want just a little back, you want it back with enormous interest rates she can not pay.

Might as well take her to court and sue her for a million dollars, if you keep this up.