Pursuing a Man vs. Waiting to be Pursued

[itdepends]

I agree; men must have some sort of sixth sense when it comes to that! I know that I've been guilty of putting forward that "forever alone" kind of feeling, but I'm trying to be more conscientious of it these days!

Yay, agreement lol I was beginning to think I wasn't going to bother posting more Thank you lol

I mean I know sometimes that feels like the case ... like we'll always be alone, or we'll always be stuck with a certain kind of person, or whatever. But it's simply not true. That thing of finding love when you least expect it, or don't even believe it's possible for yourself ... it's extremely true. So I think it's one thing to feel that way, but another to actually believe it and sort of lock yourself into this puzzle you are expecting someone else to solve. It sets up the guy from the start to have to jump through certain hoops, or they're out. Which isn't wrong, I mean, we have those hoops for a reason ... but it is what it is, and limits you I think to the kind of peeps you are going to meet or not give the time of day. And sometimes those hoops we try to make others jump through to even go *out* with us, just don't need to be there at all. We miss out on more than we actually get to experience freely and enjoy with others. It's like you will keep yourself from the very things you want and never realize it.

 

[itdepends]

VERY good point.

If I want people to show up at my party I give them an invitation. The fact that nobody has yet isn't my fault and it doesn't make me inclined to go to their parties uninvited, either.

And the converse of that is somewhat true also ...

There isn't always a reason to assume you're not invited either. Keep enjoying the person and being free and open with them and if you get the vibe like, "This person needs to leave me alone now," THAT is when you can take your cue and bow out. It's not that hard to just be yourself and pay attention to whether other people want to be part of what you're a part of or not, and vice versa. Otherwise, sitting in the corner waiting for the other guy in the corner to come over ... that sucks lol. No one has cooties. Well, let me rephrase that ...

 

[Hadassah_]

Sometimes the guy is treating his own feelings as though they matter also, and not wanting to put them in front of someone who may not want them there. That's out of respect for both people. It's like trying to go to a party you weren't invited too ... you don't go out of respect for yourself, and the people who just wanted to party by themselves. This is also why lots of people like the "natural" thing ... "Our relationship just came naturally". The ones where you just "know" it's okay to go to the party and all. That way, no one gets rejected ... not the guy, not the girl. But if a girl ONLY waits for the guy to be vulnerable first, then it's putting the guy in a position of getting up on that stage all by himself, and possibly getting boo-ed off and such. There is something to be said for that, but at the same time, there is something to be said for the reciprocity thing also

I also think that guys pick up on the "forever" type of stuff. "I'll be single forever. I always fail at that. All guys are like this. My life will always be like that." It sets up a barrier right from the start of "Prove me wrong,". So a complete stranger already has to prove something, before ever having been met in the first place. That sends off the signal of a closed off person ... pursuing them you have to prove to them why they should come out. Not all guys view girls like that. A lot of guys view women with equality in mind, not the "I need to rescue her from herself, and prove to her why I'm worth it" things. I mean, I get it ... I understand why some of it's done. But some people move passed that and realize the world is much bigger without some of those barriers. Just 2 cents ...

You bring up good points.

I do understand about the "nature taking place" because I honestly want that kind of relationship. One that just drifts into a relationship and nothing forced or frustrating.

And you're right about the negative attitude. IMO, I don't think I want someone to prove me wrong. And I definitely don't need to be rescued. Damsel in distress I'm not. Regardless of what my thoughts or intentions are, they are negative and do need to be reestablished.

 

[MacFall]

There isn't always a reason to assume you're not invited either.

In my experience, actually there is.

 

[StarBright]

What's so rabid animal about a girl coming up to a guy and saying, "Hi, I'm X. I just wanted to say, I find you interesting. Would you be interested in grabbing a coffee with me sometime?".

That's not what I was talking about. I'm talking about instances like the OP described, where a girl repeatedly chases after a guy who hasn't shown any interest, or has even rejected her initial advances.

 

[itdepends]

You bring up good points.

I do understand about the "nature taking place" because I honestly want that kind of relationship. One that just drifts into a relationship and nothing forced or frustrating.

Yeah I think the forced ones, with a little effort, help to show you more of who you are, and aren't, etc. You just gotta know when it's over and let it be what it wants to become, even if it just dies lol. One hit wonders are still catchy lol. But those that just drift together naturally and whatnot ... those can be electric

And you're right about the negative attitude. IMO, I don't think I want someone to prove me wrong. And I definitely don't need to be rescued. Damsel in distress I'm not. Regardless of what my thoughts or intentions are, they are negative and do need to be reestablished.

I don't know that it's negative, just maybe confining.

And talking about the damsel in distress ... I think I see something that I need to re-establish though, just from this thread. Having been married twice now, and lots of those deep/intense relationships ... I actually didn't realize it before, but I'm the "rescuer" person and I have no idea what a stable, partner type of relationship is I think I'm actually terrified of them. I'm the guy who will use every resource, go to the ends of the earth, stand up to the parents, take the hit, get stabbed and shot at lol, help lead you out of the darkness ... and the thing is, I actually get the girl and we find our way out lol. But once out ... even if it's years later ... I just don't know what to do. I become almost useless. If it doesn't involve some extreme thing, I just ... freeze up. I don't know how to do stable. I think that's my own "I'll always be like this" person that I need to start examining and re-establishing myself Not to derail a thread lol ...

 

[itdepends]

In my experience, actually there is.

Well, all things being equal more or less ... if someone isn't letting you know that "you're not invited" and they continue to just let you assume that you are, than that's also on them. If they aren't going to keep you from humiliating yourself or dealing with the eventual rejection, then they're being douches lol

 

[Strider1002]

I don't want a woman to like me because I like her. I want her to like me because... me!

 

[MacFall]

Well said, Strider.

Also, if a certain expressiveness on my part is to be a condition of her affection, then I'm not interested.

 

[Hadassah_]

I don't want a woman to like me because I like her. I want her to like me because... me!

What if she doesn't know you until you show her you notice her?

Not completely putting the ball in your park, but if you like her, you never know if she may like you back.

 

[Strider1002]

What if she doesn't know you until you show her you notice her?

Not completely putting the ball in your park, but if you like her, you never know if she may like you back.

That would be quite a pickle. I guess you just have to give people you're interested in every opportunity to know you.

 

[Hadassah_]

That would be quite a pickle. I guess you just have to give people you're interested in every opportunity to know you.

Yay! We have an accord!

When I am interested in a man I take every opportunity to talk to him. And we can talk about just about everything under the sun...good, bad, happy, sad. Whatever. I think it skeers them though...hahaha. Oh well. There will be someone who doesn't scare that's compatible with me.

(was that positive enough?) LOL

 

[Strider1002]

Men aren't supposed to be scared of women

 

[Spunkn]

If the guy does all the pursuing, and the girl does nothing. The guy will get frustrated and put his efforts towards someone else / something else.

If the girl does all the pursuing, she might come off as being too desperate and might make the guy question this.

It's not black and white, but you can still stay safely within certain boundaries. And of course, there's always exceptions to the rules as to how things work out for some people.

What worked really well for me (in the one "dating" experience I had lol) was that she showed interest, but made me show initiative. I had to be the one to approach her, and take steps to make things go further, but she still showed interest towards me while I was still building up courage / confidence to do that.

 

[Hadassah_]

Men aren't supposed to be scared of women

Right? That's what I thought too!

 

[anewday]

Case in point: There was a visitor at church a few weeks ago. I knew nothing about him except I thought he was cute. After services I introduced myself to him and talked to him for a few minutes. I now know where he goes, so I guess I could show up there one Sunday, but I think that would be too stalkerish. Plus I tend to scare em away the older I get...

 

[Hadassah_]

If the guy does all the pursuing, and the girl does nothing. The guy will get frustrated and put his efforts towards someone else / something else.

If the girl does all the pursuing, she might come off as being too desperate and might make the guy question this.

It's not black and white, but you can still stay safely within certain boundaries. And of course, there's always exceptions to the rules as to how things work out for some people.

What worked really well for me (in the one "dating" experience I had lol) was that she showed interest, but made me show initiative. I had to be the one to approach her, and take steps to make things go further, but she still showed interest towards me while I was still building up courage / confidence to do that.

Explain to me "all" and "nothing". If a man is pursuing and she does nothing...wouldn't that mean she's not interested? And vice versa?

 

[Sketcher]

As a guy, if I find her attractive and she doesn't have obvious red flags, I have no problems with her pursuing me first. She'll need the patience of a saint in order to get any success though. Among other things, she will have to prove that she is different from a highly outgoing woman who treats all the guys in a way that they think she might be interested. I have learned to harden myself to that.

 

[MacFall]

What if she doesn't know you until you show her you notice her?

Not completely putting the ball in your park, but if you like her, you never know if she may like you back.

Once again, showing interest is not the same thing as making an approach. Showing interest is far more basic. It's almost at the level of good manners. I show interest in my friends. If I like them more than usual I'll show more interest. If I don't like someone I'll show as much interest as I can afford to without being disingenuous.

If a girl doesn't show interest in me then I stop showing interest in her, and I sure as heck would not ask a woman out in that case. I would only approach a girl with romantic intent once she had shown that her level of interest in me matched my own for her; that is, a level conducive to romance.

 

[Hadassah_]

Once again, showing interest is not the same thing as making an approach.

Perhaps I'm still not clear on the difference...