Pursuing a Man vs. Waiting to be Pursued

[redblue22]

I would also say that some of the really neglected actually nice girls can be the most surprisingly aggressive. I was such a gentleman and walked this nice Christian girl to the door at night and she just grabbed me and looked me in the eyes on our first date and was like, "Look, no one has ever kissed me. I want a kiss." I laughed about that.

One Christian girl wanted to kiss just because she had never kissed and was scared of guys. We weren't right for each other, but she called me a year later to let me know she was getting married and thanked me for giving her the confidence.

One Christian girl got mad because I wouldn't kiss on the first date. I just wasn't sure yet. That was the last date.

A sad example was a cute Christian girl who no one asked out who I actually started to have a lot of feelings for. I was being so very gentleman, we had kissed once, and I was just taknig things slow. So, I dropped her off after date number whatever, and she just got mad in the car. She screamed at me about stuff and she gets out of the car and yells, "You know, I would have slept with you!" Last date.

 

[Spunkn]

Problem is it takes a lot for me to decide if I really like a guy. I have to know him pretty well to even make that decision. Puts me in a pickle.




Well, I'll never live up to that standard. Kind of like how all men only want "confident women" and are tired of "insecure women." Right. Well, I'm not confident and extremely insecure. Nothing I do seems to change that, even giving it to God. It's gotten better, but I'm never going to be confident and secure. So if I actually want a man to like me, I have to pretend to be confident and secure, pretend to be a certain way. But I get tired of acting and then he only loves the "fake me," so it's a catch 22.




The smiling, talking, random conversations, etc...I already do stuff like that. Gets me nowhere. I do more obvious flirting like your sand-kicking example only when I feel more comfortable around a guy, which means I have to have gotten to know him a little bit, which means he has to have noticed me, which means I have to done something to have caught his attention like obvious flirting...and I'm in the same pickle I explained above.


So it seems the only way a man even notices a woman is if she flirts with him constantly in a blatant and obvious fashion...or if she just straight up tells him. Since I'm not comfortable at all doing any of that when I barely know a guy, I guess the best thing to do would be to fake it and just act?

I'd say just keep doing what you're doing then. Maybe God just hasn't brought the right opportunity in your life yet.

But I'm far from an expert heh. I'm 29, and I've only had one semi-dating experience which wasn't even officially dating.

I think God will give you help with this kind of thing if you ask Him, we just need to be careful not to make it our entire focus. But sometimes we just need to be patient. God has His own timing for things, and its often very different from what we want.

 

[redblue22]

nevermind.

 

[itdepends]

Well, I'll never live up to that standard. Kind of like how all men only want "confident women" and are tired of "insecure women." Right. Well, I'm not confident and extremely insecure. Nothing I do seems to change that, even giving it to God. It's gotten better, but I'm never going to be confident and secure. So if I actually want a man to like me, I have to pretend to be confident and secure, pretend to be a certain way. But I get tired of acting and then he only loves the "fake me," so it's a catch 22.

I can understand what you're saying ... but it seems the catch 22 is a sort of illusion. Why would you want a guy who you have to be fake for ? So ... don't be fake, and you won't attract guys you have to be fake for It's kind of like internet trolling lol ... if you don't want to mess with a troll, don't talk in their threads lol.

And if you notice, you stated with great confidence and security that you're neither confident nor secure

I hope for you, that you have all of your dreams fulfilled, and I wish you all the best

 

[MehGuy]

Honestly I thought women asked guys out on a date just as much as men do these days.

Shows how much I know about the dating scene.

 

[itdepends]

Honestly I thought women asked guys out on a date just as much as men do these days.

Shows how much I know about the dating scene.

Well, a lot do without a second thought. To be honest, it seems like there is sort of two camps going on ... people who are still sort of cliquish, or identify more with certain groups, and still kind of have a "guys are like this, girls are like that" thing going on ... almost to the point of guys still having cooties (maybe emotionally and mentally lol). I think they seem to assume a bit more about themselves and each other, and are a bit more harsh and almost judgemental/defensive at times. Then there is the camp that really doesn't think about the clique boundaries, or group roles, or gender rules so much .... they like what they like, they don't like what they don't like, friendly to others, more free to be open and themselves, etc. A bit less judgmental and more willing to let people be themselves. Dating and such isn't so much about following rules and seeing if each other past muster ... it's about just enjoying a new person and exploring them and living your life. At least from what I've seen.

 

[WhiteWolfOfTheDarkForest]

I thought women pursued men all the time. What is this the 1950s? If you like someone just go up and ask them. It shouldn't matter if you're a guy or a girl.

Indeed

 

[Rose of Eden]

Well, a lot do without a second thought. To be honest, it seems like there is sort of two camps going on ... people who are still sort of cliquish, or identify more with certain groups, and still kind of have a "guys are like this, girls are like that" thing going on ... almost to the point of guys still having cooties (maybe emotionally and mentally lol). I think they seem to assume a bit more about themselves and each other, and are a bit more harsh and almost judgemental/defensive at times. Then there is the camp that really doesn't think about the clique boundaries, or group roles, or gender rules so much .... they like what they like, they don't like what they don't like, friendly to others, more free to be open and themselves, etc. A bit less judgmental and more willing to let people be themselves. Dating and such isn't so much about following rules and seeing if each other past muster ... it's about just enjoying a new person and exploring them and living your life. At least from what I've seen.

Throwing the rules out the window is doing the other extreme and I don't think that's wise either. One of the first things we learn when we're kids is that rules are there for a reason and usually, that reason is our own safety.

But maybe it's all about perspective. I've never seen the "dating rules" to be burdensome or anything because I don't actually consider them to be "rules" that I must follow. I've always understood them to be guidelines and advice to seriously consider. I don't always follow them, but I do always seriously consider them because there is always a purpose behind every rule.

 

[wannaberocker]

Problem is it takes a lot for me to decide if I really like a guy. I have to know him pretty well to even make that decision. Puts me in a pickle.

Then there is no problem in getting to know a person really well before you start pursuing them. Rose you and I know that there is no time table to pursure someone, some people meet and feel like you have known them a lifetime. While others you know for a lifetime but dont really know at all. My point is there is no right or wrong time to pursue a man. Like i said if you really like the guy, id encourage you to take the risk and pursure. If not, then there dont worry about pursuing him.

Well, I'll never live up to that standard. Kind of like how all men only want "confident women" and are tired of "insecure women." Right. Well, I'm not confident and extremely insecure. Nothing I do seems to change that, even giving it to God. It's gotten better, but I'm never going to be confident and secure. So if I actually want a man to like me, I have to pretend to be confident and secure, pretend to be a certain way. But I get tired of acting and then he only loves the "fake me," so it's a catch 22.

Na i think most men like most women want who loves them and who cares. Confidence or lack of confidence dosnt dictate anything at the end of the day. All people have there highs and lows confidence wise.
You dont have to fake confidence. You should be yourself, even if that means being the girl who "lacks" confidence. Then so be it, what is this emphasis on being all confident?

Dont try to be confident for people. Be confident for yourself because the way i view confidence is simple. i vew it as not being all up with yourself, but rather knowing your flaws and accepting that you are human and you got flaws. Understanding that hey i got flaws but maybe there is someone out there who can look past those flaws and still love ya . Oh and by the way understanding that you got to look past the guys flaws too because im sure he's also got um.

Dont pretend to be anyone else.

BTW heres a little exercise for ya.

Would you share what makes you a good catch for a guy. List the things that make you a good catch and things that would make you a good GF material. Go.

 

[redblue22]

I've been thinking more about this and I think I don't like to pursue also because I'm completely stupid. I definitely am not good at showing interest. Not only is there all the other stuff that I explained, but I miss subtle cues and don't really know how to pursue anyone. I mean, it makes as much sense to me to show up uninvited to an all girl party as to ask the cute red haired girl out after class. The probability seems the same. And the worst part is the all girl party usually turns out with better results.

I mean, even here that one time I tried to be flirty and weird and show a little interest in you Rose. I so missed the hint that you weren't interested. You wrote me to "quit it." I felt so embarrassed. Sorry about that.

 

[Rose of Eden]

BTW heres a little exercise for ya.

Would you share what makes you a good catch for a guy. List the things that make you a good catch and things that would make you a good GF material. Go.

I fail at these kind of exercises.

I've been thinking more about this and I think I don't like to pursue also because I'm completely stupid. I definitely am not good at showing interest. Not only is there all the other stuff that I explained, but I miss subtle cues and don't really know how to pursue anyone. I mean, it makes as much sense to me to show up uninvited to an all girl party as to ask the cute red haired girl out after class. The probability seems the same. And the worst part is the all girl party usually turns out with better results.

Maybe the reason you feel that you're "stupid" in that area is because you rarely pursue and you don't have enough practice and experience? I feel completely stupid and idiotic when it comes to flirting and showing interest/affection and that's probably because I don't have a lot of experience doing those things.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

If it's the guy that I really, really like and he's totally clueless/slow, I would go after him. So far, this didn't happen because there isn't a guy that I really like, and although there was one at one point, we were on entirely different levels so no, sadly.


But other than that, no. I could care less.

 

[redblue22]

Rose reminded me of another thing.

Some are very gentle cojnservative people. Someone like me comes along and it just embarrasses them or shocks or they don't believe what I say or they don't know what to think. I feel like some kind of wild animal let loose in a room full of ancient glassware.

In most of my experience, people pretend to be gentle and conservative untll the door closes. Then I find I am the far more reserved one hitting the brakes. But I also run into people who really are sensitive and gentle inside. And no matter how hard I try, my efforts just aren't really good and soft enough for them. Some of these soft girls like me because I am gentle but nuts and they were scared of guys and they open up with someone like me. Umm, some not, and that's ok.

That's how I felt in the conservative church--at first. I tried my hardest to fit in and be normal and not do anything weird, but no matter what I did there was always another hoop to jump. The message seemed to be "jump this hoop and we'll accept you and love you and stop trying to tell you how to run your life." I'd jump it and there would be another. That seems a problem. And some girls are like that too. They always hold out promises if you just take the bait.

But that's not my point. I might be like a blowtorch to most, but even if I turn it down, I'm still a cigarette lighter. And that's no good for a girl who is like some flammable liquid or a balloon or a cotton ball or something.. Personally, I don't see myself that way, but I can see how someone else might. Especially if I were stumbling around trying to figure out how to pursue someone.

Sometimes I think it is better to just let her pursue me because I don't really care if she makes mistakes or knows what she is doing or not. I like girls who make mistakes. She doesn't have to be perfect in any way. I have no problem erasing whatever she might want to take back. But this is one thing I like about pursuing. The girl who is impatient with me or cannot tolerate my mistakes or is ready to reject me if I screw up is probably not the girl for me anyway. That sortof weeds them out because I'm definitely going to make a lot of mistakes.

Maybe the best would be if I could be that wild animal blowtorch nuts nonconservative me and I wouldn't have to walk on pins and needles. It is pretty hard to have conversation, for example, with someone you have to be extra careful with who will go silent if you so much as interrupt at the wrong moment. But I guess that is better than most of the things I talk about on here..

 

[Amber.ly]

Me personally, my Dad ingrained it in me that any man that isn't willing to step up from the beginning will always be that way, especially in marriage.

If you find a guy who is willing to passively sit around waiting for you to sweep him off his feet then you better expect to be his Prince Charming your whole relationship with him. This also goes for the guy that takes months to warm up to your advances- is it really you he desires or just his ego he is feeding when he finally caves?

Rose- you can walk up to any single guy on this planet, look them in the eye and say "I like you, do you want to go out with me?" and they will say "yes" because you are fun, beautiful and you just stroked their ego. But do you want every single guy in your sphere? Or do you want the right guy?

I'm all about honesty and not playing games so I think it is fine to make your interest known in the same way you would pursue a friendship- make contact, offer opportunities to spend time together and be sincere in your communication with the other person. But don't ruin it by chasing some guy or pushing yourself on him. A friendship isn't built that way and neither are romantic relationships.

Or rather, they could be built that way but I doubt how healthy they would be in the long run.

Edited to add: Take anything you here from us with a grain of salt. After all, we're single! You would probably get more quality advice from married women whom you respect

 

[StarBright]

My personal opinion is that God designed the guys to pursue the girls. That's just what I believe, and I believe that's what works best. I believe pursuit is part of basic masculinity. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying hello or introducing yourself to a guy, but then I think it's up to him to decide if he likes what he sees and wants more of it, or not. I'm not saying this is a black-and-white, across-the-board rule with no exceptions, either. Just that I believe it's the way God designed couples to work in the general sense, and it's usually best to follow that example. I find that girls who chase after guys often wind up being domineering, demanding, and bossy once they get into a relationship.

Once again, this is all my own personal belief and observation, so please don't try to debate with me on it

 

[Strider1002]

I will pursue. Like I said, I just need a green light. Just that certain amount of attention from the girl that says "hey, I don't find you totally repugnant or anything!"

 

[StarBright]

I will pursue. Like I said, I just need a green light. Just that certain amount of attention from the girl that says "hey, I don't find you totally repugnant or anything!"

Exactly. Dropping a hint isn't the same as pursuing IMO. I might say "It would be nice to talk to you again". That's direct, honest, and non-pushy. But I wouldn't say it twice. If he didn't think to himself "YES! She wants to talk to me again! I'm in!" then - to me - that means he wasn't very interested to begin with, and it's best to let it be.

 

[MacFall]

Relationships are based on reciprocity. You should never expect someone to do something for you that you would not be willing to do for them. I know that probably rustles the jimmies of those who think that everything can be neatly categorized as properly a man's or woman's job, but I have the Golden Rule backing me up. Beat that.

Which is why, frankly, I do not expect ever to have a romantic relationship. I'm quite done with approaching women, and I don't expect them to approach me, either.

(Also, the idea of "pursuing" another person with romantic intent makes me think of all the stupid, coy games high school students play. No thanks.)

 

[StarBright]

Mac - I think the dynamics of starting a relationship are very different from those used to maintain one. The way we act and respond when we first meet someone and we're still in that butterflies-breathless-excited stage is different than what you're doing after being married for 10 years. I agree with reciprocity in an established relationship.

 

[jess9450]

Haha, I think I remember asking something similar on the forum when I joined last fall
I would love for a man to pursue me, but I also think that as a woman I can show him that I am interested and open for him to pursue me. Does this mean I expect him to do "all the work"? Of course not. I just find it very attractive when a man is intentional and confident in pursuing a woman for a relationship if she has shown that she is interested and encouraged him to ask her out. Call me a traditionalist if you want, although many of my friends wouldn't agree with you LOL

Problem is it takes a lot for me to decide if I really like a guy. I have to know him pretty well to even make that decision. Puts me in a pickle.

Yep, this is pretty much me as well. There might be physical attraction initially, but it takes me a lot longer to develop any real feelings...enough to consider dating him. It takes me a while to even develop a crush, but once it does, it lasts a loong time! That might seem like a positive thing because it shows my commitment and loyalty to that person, but the downside is that if it doesn't work out, it takes me a long time to let it go...