Pursuing a Man vs. Waiting to be Pursued

[MacFall]

If a guy is interested, he'll pursue. If he's too much of a wimp to pursue, that's not the kind of guy you want to be with anyway.

I assure you that cowardice has absolutely nothing to do with my reasons for not "pursuing" women.

 

[Neve]

I assure you that cowardice has absolutely nothing to do with my reasons for not "pursuing" women.

I agree. I think it's more often than not miscommunication and uncertainty. He doesn't know how you feel and you don't know how he feels so nothing happens. Sometimes, more subtle non-verbal cues are not enough...and of course the more obvious ones aren't really appropriate.

"The danger of communication is to assume that it has occurred." -

George Bernard Shaw​

 

[Paulie079]

It doesn't happen in every case, but in some cases it is laziness and passivity that is the cause behind guys not pursuing women they have an interest in.

 

[anewday]

Ahhh stop whining, at least you didnt have to lip sync to that horrible song and post it for all on CF to see because your team failed miserably against the stupid Packers.

I remember that video! It was awesome !

 

[K9_Trainer]

I've never understood the whole idea of somebody pursuing somebody else anyway. Any relationship I've gotten into, I've gotten into because the feeling and desire to be with the other was mutual. I can't say that either of us "pursued" the other.

Perhaps if somebody has to "pursue" and convince the other to out with them, then it's not worth it in the first place? Or if it's a game of cat and mouse, isn't that kind of immature? Why would you want to be with somebody who gets their kicks from making you work and not communicating with you?

 

[Paulie079]

I've never understood the whole idea of somebody pursuing somebody else anyway. Any relationship I've gotten into, I've gotten into because the feeling and desire to be with the other was mutual. I can't say that either of us "pursued" the other.

Perhaps if somebody has to "pursue" and convince the other to out with them, then it's not worth it in the first place? Or if it's a game of cat and mouse, isn't that kind of immature? Why would you want to be with somebody who gets their kicks from making you work and not communicating with you?

I think you have to have a right understanding of the concept of "pursuit" within the context of a relationship to have the right idea.

Speaking in very general terms, pursuit doesn't refer to one person playing hard to get while the other works tirelessly to make a relationship happen. It refers more to one person initiating and taking the lead while the other responds. In my personal opinion, I think this works best when the man is initiating and leading while the woman is responding and following.

So pursuit is more like the guy continually doing things that shows the woman that he likes her, he cares about her and wants to take care of her, and, in a sense, wants to win her affection by first showing affection himself, and the motivation is grounded in nothing other than his love for her, not in obligation and not in what is in it for him. It's selfless.

 

[foundthecure]

age: 25




If you want a guy it's stupid not to go for it.
The princess mentality of expecting a White Knight to ride in & swoop you off your feet is a little unrealistic.

my last 3 relationships have started with her asking me, or giving me her number and saying to call her.

I probably would have only asked one of them out (eventually) if shs didnt get to it first.

bottom line.
This is real life, not the notebook.
youtube.com/watch?v=6Gv-AMiofEI

 

[anewday]

age: 25




If you want a guy it's stupid not to go for it.
The princess mentality of expecting a White Knight to ride in & swoop you off your feet is a little unrealistic.

my last 3 relationships have started with her asking me, or giving me her number and saying to call her.

I probably would have only asked one of them out (eventually) if shs didnt get to it first.

bottom line.
This is real life, not the notebook.
youtube.com/watch?v=6Gv-AMiofEI

 

[K9_Trainer]

I think you have to have a right understanding of the concept of "pursuit" within the context of a relationship to have the right idea.

Speaking in very general terms, pursuit doesn't refer to one person playing hard to get while the other works tirelessly to make a relationship happen. It refers more to one person initiating and taking the lead while the other responds. In my personal opinion, I think this works best when the man is initiating and leading while the woman is responding and following.

So pursuit is more like the guy continually doing things that shows the woman that he likes her, he cares about her and wants to take care of her, and, in a sense, wants to win her affection by first showing affection himself, and the motivation is grounded in nothing other than his love for her, not in obligation and not in what is in it for him. It's selfless.

Should the girl then NOT do things that shows she cares about him? Should she NOT show affection, or that she cares or wants to take care of him? Should she not too need to show that her motivation is grounded in love and selflessness? How long does the pursuit need to continue before it's ok to do things mutually?

The right understanding isn't coming easily

 

[redblue22]

Being disrespected as a wimp so motivates me. That is just the girl I want. I'm sure there wouldn't be more disrespect down the road. The one thing women can count on from me is that I listen. I listen to everything they say and do to others as well.

I think what I'm doing seems to be the most efficient and fun. It is working the best I know. Am I married? No. Had a million chances. I don't even know if I want to be married. But I've met so many people that it has become hard to believe there is some girl in the dark somewhere that I would trust that much. My attitude is date them all and figure it out later. And if later never comes I'll deal with it then.

Worrying about nit-picky rules or just how we word things seems a waste of time. "Well, I didn't pursue him because my particular way of showing interest didn't qualify as pursuant in the guidelines of yackity smackity."

Women wanted equality in everything and I'm all for it. Bring me flowers baby.

Calling a man 'head" of the house is a joke when it is clear women have more power in ways relevant to relationships. I'm all for equality, but pretending I have some greater power is just a way to make me kiss butt and play the shield. I find it offensive when that is pushed as some sort of God's design for me to kiss butt. The women I meet have no interest in playing their part in God's design except when it benefits them, so why should I?

 

[Neve]

Being disrespected as a wimp so motivates me. That is just the girl I want. I'm sure there wouldn't be more disrespect down the road. The one thing women can count on from me is that I listen. I listen to everything they say and do to others as well.

I think what I'm doing seems to be the most efficient and fun. It is working the best I know. Am I married? No. Had a million chances. I don't even know if I want to be married. But I've met so many people that it has become hard to believe there is some girl in the dark somewhere that I would trust that much. My attitude is date them all and figure it out later. And if later never comes I'll deal with it then.

Worrying about nit-picky rules or just how we word things seems a waste of time. "Well, I didn't pursue him because my particular way of showing interest didn't qualify as pursuant in the guidelines of yackity smackity."

Women wanted equality in everything and I'm all for it. Bring me flowers baby.

Calling a man 'head" of the house is a joke when it is clear women have more power in ways relevant to relationships. I'm all for equality, but pretending I have some greater power is just a way to make me kiss butt and play the shield. I find it offensive when that is pushed as some sort of God's design for me to kiss butt. The women I meet have no interest in playing their part in God's design except when it benefits them, so why should I?

I remember last year when my crush mentioned (quite proudly I may add) that women were hitting on him (after having lost a few pounds at the gym), and now I'm beginning to think all this "ivory tower/high horse" business about just sitting there is nonsense. Yes, sitting there and doing nothing has, in fact, attracted men my way - but (and this is a big but), these were men that were skirt chasers, men that I would never date in a billion years, men who liked the hunt, and frankly, did not have the best of intentions. And I think that I'm an idiot for all the opportunities that passed me by because I fell for some archaic nonsense about what a breach of etiquette it would be to express even the slightest bit of interest in a man (short of actually asking him out).

 

[itdepends]

I remember last year when my crush mentioned (quite proudly I may add) that women were hitting on him (after having lost a few pounds at the gym), and now I'm beginning to think all this "ivory tower/high horse" business about just sitting there is nonsense. Yes, sitting there and doing nothing has, in fact, attracted men my way - but (and this is a big but), these were men that were skirt chasers, men that I would never date in a billion years, men who liked the hunt, and frankly, did not have the best of intentions. And I think that I'm an idiot for all the opportunities that passed me by because I fell for some archaic nonsense about what a breach of etiquette it would be to express even the slightest bit of interest in a man (short of actually asking him out).

Sometimes I don't think women realize that in waiting to be "chased" they are sometimes equivocating themselves with prey. If they get frustrated that they only attract vultures and predators and parasites lol ... well, don't take the role of prey

And I've known beautiful women who are free, flirty, and open, and enjoy men without becoming jaded or grouping them all in the same category. They still manage to keep the skirt chasers at bay also, without blaming them for being so myopic and predictable lol. Not being a woman, I'm not sure how they do it ... I'm guessing it has something to do with realizing what's important and taking those things seriously with boundaries and respect, and the things that aren't important ... lightening up and not letting it make them take themselves too seriously.

 

[redblue22]

lol, thanks for sharing that.

I've never understood the gym. the good looking workout guys either seem to struggle in dating, only want sex, or like guys themselves. at my very least lazy physique I found dating easiest. maybe it is just my changing I-don't-care attitude. When I actually cared, no one was interested and a couple times I even chickened out worrying too much. ugh, the shame of being stupid and afraid.

maybe I should start trying this out again.

so, Neve, what do you like to do for fun?

 

[leothelioness]

Interesting to see my post got some people's dander up, but that's how I feel about it. Everybody I know who is in a relationship, young and old, the man pursued the woman. That's the way it's supposed to be. I've only had ONE guy who has ever had the courage to ask me out and while it didn't work out I respect his courage to do so.

 

[Paulie079]

The right understanding isn't coming easily

I kind of knew you were going to respond this way... Egalitarians, I tell ya

Should the girl then NOT do things that shows she cares about him?

No, she should...

Should she NOT show affection, or that she cares or wants to take care of him?

No, she should...

Should she not too need to show that her motivation is grounded in love and selflessness?

No, she should...

How long does the pursuit need to continue before it's ok to do things mutually?

No, she sho--I mean, P) not long. Someone says "I love you," you say, "I love you too" back, right?

Yes and amen to both showing affection, Donna. But the man should take the lead in showing love and affection.

"So is it wrong for the woman to show affection first?"
No, but it shouldn't be a normal occurrence.

 

[StarBright]

Speaking in very general terms, pursuit doesn't refer to one person playing hard to get while the other works tirelessly to make a relationship happen. It refers more to one person initiating and taking the lead while the other responds. In my personal opinion, I think this works best when the man is initiating and leading while the woman is responding and following.

THIS. Thank you, Paulie. Arghhh, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall lol.

 

[MacFall]

I remember last year when my crush mentioned (quite proudly I may add) that women were hitting on him (after having lost a few pounds at the gym), and now I'm beginning to think all this "ivory tower/high horse" business about just sitting there is nonsense. Yes, sitting there and doing nothing has, in fact, attracted men my way - but (and this is a big but), these were men that were skirt chasers, men that I would never date in a billion years, men who liked the hunt, and frankly, did not have the best of intentions. And I think that I'm an idiot for all the opportunities that passed me by because I fell for some archaic nonsense about what a breach of etiquette it would be to express even the slightest bit of interest in a man (short of actually asking him out).

FWIW my respect for you just went up a few notches. Regarding the bolded: I think that's the real issue here. Etiquette is developed for a reason, and sometimes it has good effects. But sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it serves its purpose but then becomes an encumberance to the healthy development of relationships. Tradition for tradiion's sake is never productive.

Gender roles as they pertain to dating propriety were an etiquette developed to deal with what was, at the time, a new phenomenon. It was a reaction to that culture's recent abandonment of arranged marriages. Maybe it was useful at its time, but that was centuries ago, and the practices for which that etiquette was intended to be a guide are no longer used except for the sake of nostalgic romance (using the word "romance" in its classical sense).

For those who enjoy that nostalgia there's nothing wrong with preferring the etiquette. But to insist that everyone else follow it as another thing entirely. To insist on tradition for tradition's sake is bad enough, but what often happens is even worse: people interpret 2000-year-old scripture to try to turn a baroque attitude about a defunct cultural paradigm into a moral issue. That is irresponsible and dangerous.

 

[Niels]

I've never understood the whole idea of somebody pursuing somebody else anyway. Any relationship I've gotten into, I've gotten into because the feeling and desire to be with the other was mutual. I can't say that either of us "pursued" the other.

Same here. I'm not looking for a one-sided relationship. Some people, even when you take the initiative and they're interested, don't reciprocate in kind because they want you to further amp up the pursuit. That puts me off. The kind of woman I prefer is the kind with whom I click naturally. Friendship with a romantic element. Not someone who is constantly testing me or expecting me to drag these things out of her. On more than one occasion I've found out after the fact that someone apparently liked me, yet she expected me to do all the pursuing. Even after I had made it clear that I liked her early on etc. No thanks. I'm not expecting her to mirror my every move, but a lack of responsiveness looks like apathy or disinterest from my perspective

Perhaps if somebody has to "pursue" and convince the other to out with them, then it's not worth it in the first place? Or if it's a game of cat and mouse, isn't that kind of immature? Why would you want to be with somebody who gets their kicks from making you work and not communicating with you?

 

[MacFall]

Everybody I know who is in a relationship, young and old, the man pursued the woman. That's the way it's supposed to be.

the man should take the lead in showing love and affection.

Who says?

(Hint: the people who came up with the idea in the 1600s as a reaction to the collapse of the arranged marriage social structure are not a moral authority.)

"So is it wrong for the woman to show affection first?"
No, but it shouldn't be a normal occurrence.

Why not? If it isn't wrong, then why shouldn't it be done?

(Hint: your personal preferences do not constitute a moral authority.)

 

[Spunkn]

God created man to have authority over woman and to be the leader.

So it's more "natural" for man to have more of a leading role in the relationship / or take the first steps. However it's not required in this instance either.

Before people jump on me for those statements....I'm not stating there's a right and wrong way to do things. I'm just saying, God created man and woman in distinct ways, with unique values and ways of doing things. And there is an innate part of man that allows him to be more of a leader, and there's an innate part of women that wants them to be more submissive.

It's not necessarily just a "culture" thing imo. But I'm not going as far as to say either side is wrong, I'm just pointing out that I think there's a natural tendency for this "old way of thinking" at times because in a way, that's how God made men and women. It's meant more for marriage, but the "effects" of it can still spill over into dating.

Hopefully that made sense.