Starting to resent my husband

[dallasapple]

Its different because its been explained 1,000 times and most men even agree..the man has the CAPABALILTY of killing her without much of an effort and she would be defnsless without a weapon and even with a weapon unless it was a gun she woudl most likely lose and SHE knows it....so its MENACING for a man to act as if he might physically abuse her not so with a woman..Its the differnce bwtween shocking someone and terrorizing them..because you ARENT on an equal playing field...

However I dont think its good coping skils to go around breaking things for anyone..your destroying your own property which is dumb #1..#2 in your sistuation Disigner Woman as you can see..it wil lbe USED as another excuse for HIS dysfunctional behavior another way to POINT at you instead of facing his own demons..The chinese water toruture is unseen..only your outburst so more "proof' you are crazy and out of control and hes the innocent Mr.Nice Guy see how that works?I know the ropes..My husband woudl whisper things in my ear Im not kiddign in a group that he KNEW would upset me ...vile things....and then try to hug and kiss me and i woudl push him away and say get away from me..and everyone woudl say //"gosh your so mean all he was doign was trying to give you a hug why are you so nasty to him hes soo sweet"..and he would say "yeah..why are you so mean to me" and then laugh and smirk with that grin on his face...of course he always siad he was "only kidding' when after that he wanted to have sex later and I repeated GET awya form me.."you cant take a joke' ...NOPE and since he KNEW that ..thats the perplexign part sicnce he knew I couldnt "take it' why did he continue?Because he was TRYING to get me to lose my mind so I could be the crazy one and he could be the sweet patient guy that had a crazy wife he stood by and loved and adored..the poor guy...most guys woudl have left that mean crazy woman by now..what a saint..

Dallas

 

[chaz345]

I haven't noticed where DesMom is really directing her thoughts towards him changing (or that any posts have said he needs to hear, "step up").......to me, it seems to be more about what she CAN do to maintain her own sanity....and to be able to thrive (expecting things are basically going to remain the same with him---or at least preparing for the worse--that he doesn't ever change).

Not in those terms no, but it's very clear that she wants him to start expressing his own wants and desires and opinions instead of deferring to her on everything. So yes, she does want him to change. And in this case, his changing would be good and healthy. I'm just saying, that from my own experience, which sounds very similar, if she's ever going to see the changes she wants in him, she's going to need to make some adjustments too.

 

[dallasapple]

I haven't noticed where DesMom is really directing her thoughts towards him changing (or that any posts have said he needs to hear, "step up").......to me, it seems to be more about what she CAN do to maintain her own sanity....and to be able to thrive (expecting things are basically going to remain the same with him---or at least preparing for the worse--that he doesn't ever change).

exactly thats what I see her doing ..tryign to UNDERSTAND whats going on then find better ways to COPE...unlike the myth that women for no reason wake up one day and decide they arent "happy" and just get a divorce while the guy stands around saying "what happened all I did was buy her floweres and help her clean the house like a good husband ..never beat her ..never cheated on her now shes leavign me"?

Shes trying to avoid losign her mind and stay married..I never once saw her saying he needs to 'step up" to the plate...She wants or needs ways to cope or handle a suffocating needy passive aggressive husband ....and one way is to start havign her own life and drawign bounderies with him that she sticks to..and gettting counselign which she said she got an appointment for tomorrow and Im so happy she did that...

Dallas

 

[chaz345]

Its different because its been explained 1,000 times and most men even agree..the man has the CAPABALILTY of killing her without much of an effort and she would be defnsless without a weapon and even with a weapon unless it was a gun she woudl most likely lose and SHE knows it....so its MENACING for a man to act as if he might physically abuse her not so with a woman..Its the differnce bwtween shocking someone and terrorizing them..because you ARENT on an equal playing field...

However I dont think its good coping skils to go around breaking things for anyone..your destroying your own property which is dumb #1..#2 in your sistuation Disigner Woman as you can see..it wil lbe USED as another excuse for HIS dysfunctional behavior another way to POINT at you instead of facing his own demons..The chinese water toruture is unseen..only your outburst so more "proof' you are crazy and out of control and hes the innocent Mr.Nice Guy see how that works?I know the ropes..My husband woudl whisper things in my ear Im not kiddign in a group that he KNEW would upset me ...vile things....and then try to hug and kiss me and i woudl push him away and say get away from me..and everyone woudl say //"gosh your so mean all he was doign was trying to give you a hug why are you so nasty to him hes soo sweet"..and he would say "yeah..why are you so mean to me" and then laugh and smirk with that grin on his face...of course he always siad he was "only kidding' when after that he wanted to have sex later and I repeated GET awya form me.."you cant take a joke' ...NOPE and since he KNEW that ..thats the perplexign part sicnce he knew I couldnt "take it' why did he continue?Because he was TRYING to get me to lose my mind so I could be the crazy one and he could be the sweet patient guy that had a crazy wife he stood by and loved and adored..the poor guy...most guys woudl have left that mean crazy woman by now..what a saint..

Dallas

If violently destroying property is automatically abuse if one spouse does it, it is if the other does too. Of course I strongly disagree with those who immediately toss out "that's abuse" any time a situation where the man expresses frustration that way is related. It MAY be abuse or it MAY be strong frustration, no matter who is doing it.

 

[LinkH]

Do you happen to watch Bethenny Frankel's show (reality show)? IMO....she's living with a passive/aggressive (abusive) man, who maintains his "good guy" image, while making HER feel she's the crazy one with all the issues.

I also know of situations where the wife is becoming emotionally unglued due to hormones or just her own emotional issues, and blames the guy for it. If the man doesn't accept the blame, is he just maintaining a 'good guy' image?

Is there any evidence that the man is abusive?

I hate it when people laugh when someone trips. That's annoying to me. But if someone laughs when someone else does something wrong, that doesn't make the person abusive. Clingy doesn't equal abusive. Not setting boundaries for his mother doesn't equal abusive either. Maybe there is stuff in her marriage she hasn't mentioned, but where did the idea of abuse get mixed into this?

 

[dallasapple]

If a man does it its MENACING to a woman the THREAT is there NOT so with a woman..unless the woman happens to greatly out size him..If you encounter a GROWLING snarlign Rottweller you are TERRIFIED..if you encoutner a growlign snarling poodle sure its aggravating ..may even scare you ..you might think I dont want to get bit..heck you might even think its funny...you certainly arent TERRORIZED or in fear of your life ...becasue you knwo for a FACT you can OVERCOME the animal and it wont come close to killing you before you demolish it..

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

Its different because its been explained 1,000 times and most men even agree..the man has the CAPABALILTY of killing her without much of an effort and she would be defnsless without a weapon and even with a weapon unless it was a gun she woudl most likely lose and SHE knows it....so its MENACING for a man to act as if he might physically abuse her not so with a woman..Its the differnce bwtween shocking someone and terrorizing them..because you ARENT on an equal playing field...

Men may want to act tough and look tough. But men have to sleep sometime, which can level the playing field for violence. A woman who goes around kicking stuff or breaking stuff is unsettling.

 

[chaz345]

If a man does it its MENACING to a woman the THREAT is there NOT so with a woman..unless the woman happens to greatly out size him..If you encounter a GROWLING snarlign Rottweller you are TERRIFIED..if you encoutner a growlign snarling poodle sure its aggravating ..may even scare you ..you might think I dont want to get bit..heck you might even think its funny...you certainly arent TERRORIZED or in fear of your life ...becasue you knwo for a FACT you can OVERCOME the animal and it wont come close to killing you before you demolish it..

Dallas

Personally I think it's rather insulting to angry women to call them an angry snarling poodle.

 

[LinkH]

I threw a huge fit over this, and asked him to just agree with me for the sake of being supportive of my feelings, and since then this hasn't really been an issue.

If my wife attributes negative motives to someone else, I'll suggest other alternatives. If you threw a fit over telling you what he really thinks, then why would he share his real feelings with you?

He gave me flowers because the day before he pushed me too far and started to see me breaking away into independence again, and it made him nervous. The flowers were supposed to make me see that "I'm the crazy one", that he's "not such a bad guy", etc. and bring me right back into the cycle.

Could you be reading motivations into this that aren't there? Couldn't he have been bringing flowers to make peace, calm you down, put you in a better mood, etc. instead of saying, "Bwahahaha, when I bring her these flowers, she will think that SHE is the crazy one. Mwahahahaha. My evil plan is working." [Follow with high pitch Skeletor laughter, which I don't know how to write.)?

What does breaking off into independence mean? If my wife said she wanted to 'break off into independence' I'd be confused. That could even be frightening to a man. What does that mean? Divorce? Showing up the next day and she isn't there? He may be kind of blind to his own clinginess.

 

[mkgal1]

If violently destroying property is automatically abuse if one spouse does it, it is if the other does too. Of course I strongly disagree with those who immediately toss out "that's abuse" any time a situation where the man expresses frustration that way is related. It MAY be abuse or it MAY be strong frustration, no matter who is doing it.

I don't think that one isolated incident came be used to determine whether or not a person is abusive. They could be acting completely out of character.

 

[dallasapple]

I also know of situations where the wife is becoming emotionally unglued due to hormones or just her own emotional issues, and blames the guy for it. If the man doesn't accept the blame, is he just maintaining a 'good guy' image?

No but thats not the case here..unless ..is that what you think? If thats what you think why dont you suggest that to the OP isntead of trying to convince other people who DONT think thats what it is to consider it..Im personally not an idiot and Im a female and I have female hormoes too..I have had depressiona and post partum depression and other issues..how her husband is behaving is NOT her HORMONES its how hes behaving unless she is lying and I dont know why she would come here and LIE if she wants help ..in that case no one can be just taken at face value here for having any idea what they think they know about their OWN lives...

Her description of HOW her husband is behaving has NOTHING to do with her HORMONES...

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

Its different because its been explained 1,000 times and most men even agree..the man has the CAPABALILTY of killing her without much of an effort and she would be defnsless without a weapon and even with a weapon unless it was a gun she woudl most likely lose and SHE knows it....so its MENACING for a man to act as if he might physically abuse her not so with a woman..Its the differnce bwtween shocking someone and terrorizing them..because you ARENT on an equal playing field...

However I dont think its good coping skils to go around breaking things for anyone..your destroying your own property which is dumb #1..#2 in your sistuation Disigner Woman as you can see..it wil lbe USED as another excuse for HIS dysfunctional behavior another way to POINT at you instead of facing his own demons..The chinese water toruture is unseen..only your outburst so more "proof' you are crazy and out of control and hes the innocent Mr.Nice Guy see how that works?I know the ropes..My husband woudl whisper things in my ear Im not kiddign in a group that he KNEW would upset me ...vile things....and then try to hug and kiss me and i woudl push him away and say get away from me..and everyone woudl say //"gosh your so mean all he was doign was trying to give you a hug why are you so nasty to him hes soo sweet"..and he would say "yeah..why are you so mean to me" and then laugh and smirk with that grin on his face...of course he always siad he was "only kidding' when after that he wanted to have sex later and I repeated GET awya form me.."you cant take a joke' ...NOPE and since he KNEW that ..thats the perplexign part sicnce he knew I couldnt "take it' why did he continue?Because he was TRYING to get me to lose my mind so I could be the crazy one and he could be the sweet patient guy that had a crazy wife he stood by and loved and adored..the poor guy...most guys woudl have left that mean crazy woman by now..what a saint..

Dallas

I agree. Even though his goading is causing great frustration, I think now that you know what's going on....your frustration will most likely subside.

 

[mkgal1]

This is from a book review of Living with a Passive/Aggressive Man:

Living With a Passive Agressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.

 

[LinkH]

Do you have a quote from someone who had a passive/aggressive spouse whose marriage survived and improved?

 

[LinkH]

No but thats not the case here..unless ..is that what you think? If thats what you think why dont you suggest that to the OP isntead of trying to convince other people who DONT think thats what it is to consider it..Im personally not an idiot and Im a female and I have female hormoes too..I have had depressiona and post partum depression and other issues..how her husband is behaving is NOT her HORMONES its how hes behaving unless she is lying and I dont know why she would come here and LIE if she wants help ..in that case no one can be just taken at face value here for having any idea what they think they know about their OWN lives...

Her description of HOW her husband is behaving has NOTHING to do with her HORMONES...

Dallas

So what are the behaviors here? Letting her have her way in just about in anything? Neglecting to persuade mom to be better to his wife, perhaps? Laughing when she cut flowers? Bringing home flowers?

I'm also reading a lot about her feelings, and how he is responsible, but I'm not sure why that is supposed to be the case from what I've read on the thread.

What is his big behavioral issue that you have in mind?

No one is accusing anyone of lying.

 

[chaz345]

This is from a book review of Living with a Passive/Aggressive Man:

Since none of us are a) qualified to diagnose her husband as passive/agressive and b)don't have anywhere near enough information to make said diagnosis even if we were qualified, I think that such information is a but out of place. At least it is without a qualification that P/A is only a possibility.

 

[mkgal1]

Since none of us are a) qualified to diagnose her husband as passive/agressive and b)don't have anywhere near enough information to make said diagnosis even if we were qualified, I think that such information is a but out of place. At least it is without a qualification that P/A is only a possibility.

I'm not "diagnosing" her husband--it doesn't even TAKE a diagnosis---it's a communication style---not a disease. I'm sharing reviews from a book that may make a lot of sense to her....make her feel that she's not alone or crazy.

FTR.....I obviously didn't write the book, and the fact that it's titled Passive Aggressive MAN, doesn't mean it's ONLY men with this disorder (the author even clarified that, in the book). Personally, I have posted back and forth with one male member here on CF, that I believe his now ex-wife fit the characterization of P/A.

 

[mkgal1]

Do you have a quote from someone who had a passive/aggressive spouse whose marriage survived and improved?

I wish I did....that doesn't mean they don't exist.

 

[mkgal1]

There is another book, that I haven't read yet---I only just discovered it:

Amazon.com: BREAKING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE CYCLES (9781609573492): Dee Brown: Books

This book openly states by the title that this is, The Silent Cry of Christian Women.

Though passive-aggressive behavior is experienced by those who are not of the Christian Believing faith, those women who are IN the Christain faith have probably not been met with the love, understanding and encouragement they have expected to receive by their own Christian community; including their Pastors, Bible Study Leaders, Counselors and fellow Believers whose help they have tried to solicit and have sought in understanding their painful plight, but have been grieviously let down.

Finally, there is hope here, Ladies, and strategies to help you alongside the Lord, as you co-labor with Him to be the beautiful woman He has created you to be FOR Him.
Yes, you ARE beautiful to Him and His will is for you to be whole, in spite of your passive aggressive spouse, co-worker, family member, etc.

Dees' directives are specifically Biblical in assement as well as in application for the spirit redeemed, Spirit filled woman.
The Bible states:
"For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man, which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things freely given to us by God, which things we also speak, not in words taught by human widsom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God; for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. 1 Corinthians 2:11 - 14

 

[designer mom]

I agree. Even though his goading is causing great frustration, I think now that you know what's going on....your frustration will most likely subside.

I agree, I see that I'm already feeling better just talking about these things with you guys.

I just want to clarify for anyone that might be confused about the cup breaking thing...he didn't see it, and the only reason he knows about it is because I told him. (we have a lot of mugs, I doubt he would have noticed they were missing) I try very hard to keep the lines of communication open, at least on my end.