Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

How old is the baby?

He's 9 months old.

 

[dallasapple]

So what are the behaviors here? Letting her have her way in just about in anything? Neglecting to persuade mom to be better to his wife, perhaps? Laughing when she cut flowers? Bringing home flowers?

I'm also reading a lot about her feelings, and how he is responsible, but I'm not sure why that is supposed to be the case from what I've read on the thread.

What is his big behavioral issue that you have in mind?

No one is accusing anyone of lying.

No LAUGHING at her when he saw her making a MISTAKE ..following her into a room that he new she went in for some privacy..always (she sais always ) taking the side of the other perosn if she has a concern with another persons action/acions and never agreeing with her on it..(until she ASKED him too)..the in general BREATHING DOWN HER NECK(her words)...not apprrently adressign the fact she pericieves his family as beign down right mean to her..then refusing to go be aroudn them unless SHE comes then it seems beign perterbed at her he doesnt see them..Go READ...the bringing of the flowers is tied into the trying to put on the act that hes the "nice guy" while the other stuff is ongoing and its not about "bringing her flowers"..its the INTENT behind it..whiel the other behaviors go on ignored or dismissed..

but sicne YOU dont seem to think the behaviros are a big deal ..then I dont get why you dont just tell her that is yoru opinion ...then she can go on and talk to OTHER WOMEN that have had similar and even IDENTICLE issues that understand that it IS a problem adn if NOT adressed as she is TRYING to do instead of pretending its HER HORMONES it wil get worse and worse..ones who have BEEN there done that...

Dallas

The behaviors are a PATTERN

 

[dallasapple]

And as far as HORMONES go why not talk about HIS hormones as the possible issue not HERS...

The "Oversexed" Myth - New Man eMagazine

Even though I dont agree with the "men" as in they didnt say "some men"..or that men are to be leaders becasue they have teststerone ..I agree for sur ewith the part than SOME men put ALL their intimacy needs in the sexual basket and thats UNFAIR to the wife..(and soem women do to I have read about that too..getting the entire reason to exist or derive any meaning out of beign alive)

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

No they BOTH need to make adjustments. Not to the point of being less assertive, but very slight changes in how things are put can make a world of difference.A slight "softening". It's called accomodating your spouse's personality and everyone needs to do it. At the same time the more passive person needs to learn to "toughen up" a little and not perceive agression where it's not present. But in a case like the OP appears to be, simply telling him to step up, to be less passive will get you exactly nowhere.

I agree that it's always important for both partners to make adjustments. I just feel like I adjusted so much that I don't even know who I am anymore. If I find through therapy that I am part of the problem, that's fine. I do want to take responsibility for anything that actually is my responsibility.

As far as telling my husband to step up, I tried that. I also tried "positive reinforcement" (I'm not sure if that's the same thing as making him feel like I'm "safe" or not). Both had the same result of him saying one thing, and then not doing it, which does happen to be a key passive-aggressive trait, along with his constant forgetfulness, and doing a bad job on purpose and giving me the silent treatment.

I'm not imagining these things, and I've been searching for answers for quite some time (before I got pregnant, for anyone who thinks I have post postpartum depression), and I wasn't exactly expecting to find one thing that summed him up so well. Does this mean that I don't have problems of my own? Of course not. But I'm pretty sure that I'm being emotionally abused here because my self esteem has been draining since the day I got married. I honestly went from being a person of high self confidence (a "go getter") to a person who feels like she's doing something wrong if she leaves the house. I can't deny that something is fishy here, and I have no idea why I would get married and then out of the blue decide that I no longer like myself and want to live a completely isolated existence. I read up on "emotionally abused women" and I fit the description perfectly, and just because I can't exactly explain WHY I think I might be being abused, I can't ignore the "symptoms" that I'm experiencing.

 

[designer mom]

This is from a book review of Living with a Passive/Aggressive Man:

Thanks, I can relate to the majority of things I read about passive-aggressive men, and about emotionally abused women.

 

[designer mom]

No LAUGHING at her when he saw her making a MISTAKE ..following her into a room that he new she went in for some privacy..always (she sais always ) taking the side of the other perosn if she has a concern with another persons action/acions and never agreeing with her on it..(until she ASKED him too)..the in general BREATHING DOWN HER NECK(her words)...not apprrently adressign the fact she pericieves his family as beign down right mean to her..then refusing to go be aroudn them unless SHE comes then it seems beign perterbed at her he doesnt see them..Go READ...the bringing of the flowers is tied into the trying to put on the act that hes the "nice guy" while the other stuff is ongoing and its not about "bringing her flowers"..its the INTENT behind it..whiel the other behaviors go on ignored or dismissed..

but sicne YOU dont seem to think the behaviros are a big deal ..then I dont get why you dont just tell her that is yoru opinion ...then she can go on and talk to OTHER WOMEN that have had similar and even IDENTICLE issues that understand that it IS a problem adn if NOT adressed as she is TRYING to do instead of pretending its HER HORMONES it wil get worse and worse..ones who have BEEN there done that...

Dallas

The behaviors are a PATTERN

Well put, thank you. I also want to add that there is a HUGE difference between "cutting flowers" and "cutting flower boxes" as in cutting wood, with a power saw...something I do not typically do. Something that women do not typically do. Something that could have used some encouragement as I was already nervous about the thought of it, and decided to jump in and give it a whirl.

 

[JaneFW]

If my wife attributes negative motives to someone else, I'll suggest other alternatives. If you threw a fit over telling you what he really thinks, then why would he share his real feelings with you?

You don't get it. My h has done this too, and it's very upsetting. I was in a wreck a few years ago, where a young girl in a massive truck pulled out from a stop sign (without stopping, natch) and went right across the front of me, as I was driving up the hill. Despite my best endeavors to get out of the way, it was quite a nasty crash, which I came off worst because of the size of her truck. I was in the van we had at the time, but if I had been in a car, I would have been seriously injured. As it was, my shoulder and arm and hip were injured, and my ribs were bruised, but mainly I was shaken that someone just totally defied the rules of the road like that. The day after, I was talking to my husband and saying that when the insurers came around to asking me if I had anything to say, I would say that the girl should not be even on the road. My husband took the girl's side!! He compared this to something that happened when he was 16, when he had a wreck in his truck, and the guy he collided with "pretended" to be seriously injured, and sued his family for a lot of money. I could not get him to see that this was NOT that scenario - that this girl had been guilty of a massive negligence, and that someone in a small car, or - good grief - on a motorcycle would have been killed. It wouldn't even make a darn bit of difference for me to say anything about her anyway, and I wasn't looking to sue her, I just wanted my vehicle repaired, but for him to start feeling sorry for that girl - it was like a slap in the face. Here was I, scared to even drive (although I had no choice because I had a 60 mile daily commute), shaken up, bruised, and he was siding with a 16yo girl who even told the police that she "didn't notice" my large van, although even then it's no reason to not stop at a stop sign. She and her truck full of buddies were no doubt having a grand old time, and that was why she didn't look and didn't stop. There was barely even a scratch on her truck. Yet, let me say again, my husband took her side to the point of telling me not to say anything negative, so she wouldn't have repercussions. I completely ignored him, and when I gave my statement to USAA, I told them exactly what I thought about the girl, her driving, and her stupidity. That is just one of those many things that has made me lose faith in my husband over time. So, when she says that her husband doesn't take her side, I know where she's coming from.

Could you be reading motivations into this that aren't there? Couldn't he have been bringing flowers to make peace, calm you down, put you in a better mood, etc. instead of saying, "Bwahahaha, when I bring her these flowers, she will think that SHE is the crazy one. Mwahahahaha. My evil plan is working." [Follow with high pitch Skeletor laughter, which I don't know how to write.)?

Again, flowers don't put things right. AND, if he knows that there is peace to be made, why isn't he verbally making peace? Bringing flowers is a COP OUT. When there is a major problem and a spouse brings flowers to fix it - waste. of. money. It doesn't work.

 

[JaneFW]

So what are the behaviors here? Letting her have her way in just about in anything? Neglecting to persuade mom to be better to his wife, perhaps? Laughing when she cut flowers? Bringing home flowers?

I'm also reading a lot about her feelings, and how he is responsible, but I'm not sure why that is supposed to be the case from what I've read on the thread.

What is his big behavioral issue that you have in mind?

No one is accusing anyone of lying.

Link, did you actually read what she said about his parents? They curse in front of the baby. They won't use a child seat for him. They allow their family dog to be all over him. She's not complaining that his mom isn't nice to her - she's saying that his family is dangerous. When she asks them not to do things around him, they say she is "ridiculous", and particularly that "Christian standards" are "ridiculous". I don't know about you, but my child wouldn't be going to that house very often - if at all.

You have to take the thing as a whole. She has described her married life in a number of posts, and anyone reading them can see that there is an ongoing, daily problem of passive/aggressive behavior. It's not about isolated incidents - although those can be triggers - but just that ongoing grind.

 

[dallasapple]

Well put, thank you. I also want to add that there is a HUGE difference between "cutting flowers" and "cutting flower boxes" as in cutting wood, with a power saw...something I do not typically do. Something that women do not typically do. Something that could have used some encouragement as I was already nervous about the thought of it, and decided to jump in and give it a whirl.

Well for what its worth ..Im without a doubt sure it was definately something that could have lifted you up in a big time way if your husbadn said it to you ..but I for one am impressed..I've never attempted to cut anything with a power saw..a HACK saw ..I hack down the banana plant every fall so it will come back in the spring ...LOL!!

but I have been relentlessly critisized for projects that werent necessarrily "impressive for a woman" but just bigger jobs like dragging all the furniture out of a bedroom and painting two coats plus the woodwrok..all in order of a day that I had it arranged around the caring of 3 kids and 3 dogs and 2 cats LOL!!..Got told "you will never finish that and leave a big mess for me to clean up"..LATER he told me he never said that..thats another 'trick up the sleeve" ..to deny they say things like that..another 'your crazy I never said that"..then it "switches to' well I felt guilty becasue I wanted to help you but it was a bad tiem for me ..and on and on ..the LYING alone and "rewriting history" is enough that you want a TAPE RECORDER or some sort of witness to be able to PROVE the truth...Oh and its NOT "pms " that cuases my husband to LIE ..and to cut me down..or depression ..it might CAUSE depression for him to do those things..or aggravate PMS if I had it..but hes WRONG and its not my 'hormones"..

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

No LAUGHING at her when he saw her making a MISTAKE ..following her into a room that he new she went in for some privacy

I talked about being clingy in the earlier post. He sounds like he has some annoying habits.

..always (she sais always ) taking the side of the other perosn if she has a concern with another persons action/acions and never agreeing with her on it..(until she ASKED him too)..

So, he's not allowed to have his own opinions. Don't you think it strange to ask someone to agree with you all the time? Is that a healthy dynamic?

Go READ...the bringing of the flowers is tied into the trying to put on the act that hes the "nice guy" while the other stuff is ongoing and its not about "bringing her flowers"..its the INTENT behind it..whiel the other behaviors go on ignored or dismissed..

A wife guesses what is in her husband's mind, and you assume the guess is right? Don't you see a problem with your comment?

Her husband might actually be a nice guy. A nice guy with some flaws and areas he needs to work on.

but sicne YOU dont seem to think the behaviros are a big deal ..then I dont get why you dont just tell her that is yoru opinion ...then she can go on and talk to OTHER WOMEN that have had similar and even IDENTICLE issues that understand that it IS a problem adn if NOT adressed as she is TRYING to do instead of pretending its HER HORMONES it wil get worse and worse..ones who have BEEN there done that...

I suppose abusive husbands could bring their wives flowers. (I have no reason to think this guy is abusive.) If a woman on the forum had an abusive husband, and assumed that because this man brought his wife flowers, he must be abusive, that would be an irrational conclusion. You don't know if any of the women on the forum have had identical issues to what she is facing.

I know it is possible for a woman to be a little out of whack emotionally due to tiredness from nursing, hormones from post-partum, combined with the stress of moving some place new, and blame her stress on her husband--when it isn't his fault. I also know it is possible for a wife to assume negative motives are behind her husband's actions when there are none.

So what should we say to someone whose husband gave her flowers, who thinks he is doing it out of negative intent? Should we assume she is right, or encourage her to consider that she might be jumping too conclusions without enough evidence. The latter is the safer option. If the husband has something bad up his sleeve, she'll figure it out over time. If we encourage her to be suspicious, that can add lead to more stress and tension in the marriage.

 

[LinkH]

Well put, thank you. I also want to add that there is a HUGE difference between "cutting flowers" and "cutting flower boxes" as in cutting wood, with a power saw...something I do not typically do. Something that women do not typically do. Something that could have used some encouragement as I was already nervous about the thought of it, and decided to jump in and give it a whirl.

Sorry, I recalled that wrongly. I had a different kind of box in my head when I first read that anyway.

Is your husband okay with the idea of going to some kind of counseling together, btw?

 

[dallasapple]

You don't get it. My h has done this too, and it's very upsetting. I was in a wreck a few years ago, where a young girl in a massive truck pulled out from a stop sign (without stopping, natch) and went right across the front of me, as I was driving up the hill. Despite my best endeavors to get out of the way, it was quite a nasty crash, which I came off worst because of the size of her truck. I was in the van we had at the time, but if I had been in a car, I would have been seriously injured. As it was, my shoulder and arm and hip were injured, and my ribs were bruised, but mainly I was shaken that someone just totally defied the rules of the road like that. The day after, I was talking to my husband and saying that when the insurers came around to asking me if I had anything to say, I would say that the girl should not be even on the road. My husband took the girl's side!! He compared this to something that happened when he was 16, when he had a wreck in his truck, and the guy he collided with "pretended" to be seriously injured, and sued his family for a lot of money. I could not get him to see that this was NOT that scenario - that this girl had been guilty of a massive negligence, and that someone in a small car, or - good grief - on a motorcycle would have been killed. It wouldn't even make a darn bit of difference for me to say anything about her anyway, and I wasn't looking to sue her, I just wanted my vehicle repaired, but for him to start feeling sorry for that girl - it was like a slap in the face. Here was I, scared to even drive (although I had no choice because I had a 60 mile daily commute), shaken up, bruised, and he was siding with a 16yo girl who even told the police that she "didn't notice" my large van, although even then it's no reason to not stop at a stop sign. She and her truck full of buddies were no doubt having a grand old time, and that was why she didn't look and didn't stop. There was barely even a scratch on her truck. Yet, let me say again, my husband took her side to the point of telling me not to say anything negative, so she wouldn't have repercussions. I completely ignored him, and when I gave my statement to USAA, I told them exactly what I thought about the girl, her driving, and her stupidity. That is just one of those many things that has made me lose faith in my husband over time. So, when she says that her husband doesn't take her side, I know where she's coming from.

Again, flowers don't put things right. AND, if he knows that there is peace to be made, why isn't he verbally making peace? Bringing flowers is a COP OUT. When there is a major problem and a spouse brings flowers to fix it - waste. of. money. It doesn't work.

I agree too..my husband will also say "your "always mad at someone"..But as to the "why should he share his feelings"?NO why shoudl she SHARE hers if the "goal" is goignto be to FIND a way to make her the wrong one and side with someone else EVERY time?Then she will STOP sharing her feelings then guess what?DISTANCE then he will sya "whats wrong' ..?Again WHY share HER feelings?

I dont think the people who DONT get whats going on here try and pretend its not going on by minimizing it?Or desperately seekign to find SOME way to fault her?She is ALREADY going to seek help for herself for her OWN sanity..how much more does she need to say it?Sheis at her wits end?Oh must be her HORMONES...he sides with everyone but me?Oh poor guy why should he even share at all then?He brings flowers to try and smooze over or divert attention away from HUGE issues ...Oh poor guy cant even bring his wife some flowers without being critisized for it..He suffocates me and breaths down my neck constantly.."poor guy he must be "afraid" your going to leave him "

Whatever..OP Im just gald you are feeling somewhat better talkign about it and Im PRAYING that you get some releif and some answers and some ways to cope in therapy so you dont have to keep feeling this way...or livign this way....(((HUGS))))

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

You don't get it. My h has done this too, and it's very upsetting. I was in a wreck a few years ago, where a young girl in a massive truck pulled out from a stop sign (without stopping, natch) and went right across the front of me, as I was driving up the hill. Despite my best endeavors to get out of the way, it was quite a nasty crash, which I came off worst because of the size of her truck. I was in the van we had at the time, but if I had been in a car, I would have been seriously injured. As it was, my shoulder and arm and hip were injured, and my ribs were bruised, but mainly I was shaken that someone just totally defied the rules of the road like that. The day after, I was talking to my husband and saying that when the insurers came around to asking me if I had anything to say, I would say that the girl should not be even on the road. My husband took the girl's side!! He compared this to something that happened when he was 16, when he had a wreck in his truck, and the guy he collided with "pretended" to be seriously injured, and sued his family for a lot of money. I could not get him to see that this was NOT that scenario - that this girl had been guilty of a massive negligence, and that someone in a small car, or - good grief - on a motorcycle would have been killed. It wouldn't even make a darn bit of difference for me to say anything about her anyway, and I wasn't looking to sue her, I just wanted my vehicle repaired, but for him to start feeling sorry for that girl - it was like a slap in the face. Here was I, scared to even drive (although I had no choice because I had a 60 mile daily commute), shaken up, bruised, and he was siding with a 16yo girl who even told the police that she "didn't notice" my large van, although even then it's no reason to not stop at a stop sign. She and her truck full of buddies were no doubt having a grand old time, and that was why she didn't look and didn't stop. There was barely even a scratch on her truck. Yet, let me say again, my husband took her side to the point of telling me not to say anything negative, so she wouldn't have repercussions. I completely ignored him, and when I gave my statement to USAA, I told them exactly what I thought about the girl, her driving, and her stupidity. That is just one of those many things that has made me lose faith in my husband over time. So, when she says that her husband doesn't take her side, I know where she's coming from.

It's funny how people read a short thing in a discussion like this and make huge assumptions about the scenario based on their own experience. When I read her post, I thought of times when my wife would sit around mulling over a few words someone else said, wondering if the other person was trying to imply some negative thing without saying it directly. Sometimes she would be right. Other times, I don't think she was. And other times, she was right, but it wasn't nearly worth the amount of attention she put into it. I remember several years ago, during her post-partum blues with the first baby, she would do this a lot. She'd get upset when I'd suggest to her an alternative way at looking at the comment or try to encourage her to not worry so much about it. That's the scenario I had in mind.

Again, flowers don't put things right. AND, if he knows that there is peace to be made, why isn't he verbally making peace? Bringing flowers is a COP OUT. When there is a major problem and a spouse brings flowers to fix it - waste. of. money. It doesn't work.

At least he's making some kind of effort. Maybe he didn't know what to do and his powers were an attempt at a peace offering. If attempts at making verbal peace don't seem to go anyway, flowers sound like a reasonable alternative.

 

[JaneFW]

Link, you by your own admission, if your wife has a different viewpoint, pray for her to change her mind and to take your viewpoint. What is the difference between you wanting to change your wife, and her wanting to change her husband?

 

[JaneFW]

I remember several years ago, during her post-partum blues with the first baby, she would do this a lot. She'd get upset when I'd suggest to her an alternative way at looking at the comment or try to encourage her to not worry so much about it. That's the scenario I have in mind.

The OP has said clearly that this scenario existed before she had her baby. She has said quite clearly and openly that it is not post-partum depression.

 

[LinkH]

I agree too..my husband will also say "your "always mad at someone"..But as to the "why should he share his feelings"?NO why shoudl she SHARE hers if the "goal" is goignto be to FIND a way to make her the wrong one and side with someone else EVERY time?Then she will STOP sharing her feelings then guess what?DISTANCE then he will sya "whats wrong' ..?Again WHY share HER feelings?

I dont think the people who DONT get whats going on here try and pretend its not going on by minimizing it?Or desperately seekign to find SOME way to fault her?She is ALREADY going to seek help for herself for her OWN sanity..how much more does she need to say it?Sheis at her wits end?Oh must be her HORMONES...he sides with everyone but me?Oh poor guy why should he even share at all then?He brings flowers to try and smooze over or divert attention away from HUGE issues ...Oh poor guy cant even bring his wife some flowers without being critisized for it..He suffocates me and breaths down my neck constantly.."poor guy he must be "afraid" your going to leave him "

Whatever..OP Im just gald you are feeling somewhat better talkign about it and Im PRAYING that you get some releif and some answers and some ways to cope in therapy so you dont have to keep feeling this way...or livign this way....(((HUGS))))

Dallas

I'm not trying to find some way blame the OP. I'm trying to help. It seems to me thinking negative thoughts about her husband isn't going to help much. The flower comment seemed to me to be an attempt at mind reading. He brought be flowers. It must be to make him the good guy and make me look bad....Hmm. What if she guessed wrong or misinterpreted the symbols?

Going on to a forum where a group of people all assume she is correct in her mind reading, and tell stories about their own difficulties in marriage, implicitly pointing the finger at her husband who may or may not be the same kind of man, may just add fuel to her fire. Even if her husband were passive/aggressive or whatever label people are guessing about, she still needs to learn to have an accepting, loving attitude toward him, and to learn to deal with her stress and emotions in a healthy way and get past some of the things she has been feeling--without depending on what her husband is like to do it.

Her husband clearly has faults and weaknesses, like everyone else. But it isn't good to assume he has all these other faults based on guesswork and mind-reading. There are some serious in-law issues she has to deal with, too, and he should be helping her with those.

If something isn't right with the way she feels, it doesn't necessarily make everything her husband's fault. I've heard there are several things that happen in your life that are generally areas of high stress. Having a baby and moving are really high up on the list. Add to that her trouble with her in-laws and the lack of new friends in the new area, and there are a lot of sources for stress.


If people on the forum assume bad things about her husband that aren't true (based on their own experience), and reinforce these ideas, this can actually feed resentment. Someone in this situation needs help not having resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, and having a loving Ephesians 5 attitude toward her husband. If he has a lot of problems that she can help him with, she can be more helpful if she has the right attitude.

 

[LinkH]

Link, you by your own admission, if your wife has a different viewpoint, pray for her to change her mind and to take your viewpoint. What is the difference between you wanting to change your wife, and her wanting to change her husband?

Your comment is too vague to really see exactly what you are referring to. My wife's views have changed when the Lord spoke to her. I did ask Him to, asking him to open up certain scriptures to her. The idea is for us all to be on the same page with the Lord.

My wife prays all kinds of stuff for me. I've changed a lot in areas that she's prayed a lot about. I don't have a problem with that. If I fall in sin or just have a problem in some area of my life, and my wife sees it, she will talk to me about it. I'll do the same. I don't have a problem with that.

I don't think it healthy if one spouse thinks the other spouse will get angry if he/she expresses an opinion that is different from the other spouse.

 

[JaneFW]

she still needs to learn to have an accepting, loving attitude toward him, and to learn to deal with her stress and emotions in a healthy way and get past some of the things she has been feeling--without depending on what her husband is like to do it.

No you don't have to "learn" to live with these things. You can find help so that you and your spouse can have a better marriage. Why wouldn't someone with a passive/aggressive nature not want to change? Oh, yeah, I forgot .. it's good to suffer. Not.

I've heard there are several things that happen in your life that are generally areas of high stress. Having a baby and moving are really high up on the list. Add to that her trouble with her in-laws and the lack of new friends in the new area, and there are a lot of sources for stress.

And, yet again, these problems existed before the move, before the baby, before the lack of friends ..

 

[JaneFW]

Your comment is too vague to really see exactly where you are going with this. My wife's views have changed when the Lord spoke to her. I did ask Him to, asking him to open up certain scriptures to her. The idea is for us all to be on the same page with the Lord.

My wife prays all kinds of stuff for me. I've changed a lot in areas that she's prayed a lot about. I don't have a problem with that. If I fall in sin or just have a problem in some area of my life, and my wife sees it, she will talk to me about it. I'll do the same. I don't have a problem with that.

I don't think it healthy if one spouse thinks the other spouse will get angry if he/she expresses an opinion that is different from the other spouse.

But you told the OP that she just has to "learn to accept" their marriage problems. Why is it that you and your wife don't have to accept it, but she does?

 

[dallasapple]

It seems to me thinking negative thoughts about her husband isn't going to help much.

Are you listening at ALL to the OP?She has REPEATEDLY said she has been helped here and not ONCE siad the 'negative thoughts" were not helping.Are you going ot say now she doesnt even know herself whats helping her or not but you do?.UNFORTUNATELY negative things HAPPEN in marraige and NOT talking about them is what MAKES it worse..you internalize them and in up in a doctors office having heart palpatations and breathing difficulties(as she has described)..So until the OP says its "not helping to talk about the negatives" which her SITUATION is "negative' by the way then I dotn get what the issue is?Avoiding dismissign and minimizing is what COMPLICATES these things not helps them ..they dont jsut "go away " with a back massage..more sex and inviting someone over to dinner..or a dozen red roses for that matter..

Dallas