Memorial

This is memorial day weekend, and a very difficult one. (That may explain some of what I told you, T). So many people have died in the past year and a half. It doesn't even seem like it has been that long. Tomorrow my great uncle is coming and we are having a picnic. Yippee, let's celebrate the fact that our loved ones are dead! I love my family, but why is memorial day a day for big family barbecues and such? Monday we are going to the cemetery where my grandparents and great grandparents on my dad's side are buried. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I can only take so much emotional stress before things start breaking down. The other day at lunch I just started panicking for no reason whatsoever. There is really nothing in my life that I should panic over, but yet there I was. It is the weirdest feeling having panic rising up in you and you don't know why. Okay, there is one thing that makes me want to panic. But I don't think that was what caused it because I wasn't even thinking about it at that time.

In about 5 and a half hours, I need to decide whether to talk to my friend or not. For today that is. Too much emotional upheaval is affecting my thoughts. Except there is hardly any emotional things going on. Gahh, I am so confused. I can't even read my own thoughts.

I should go. There are things I need to do. Maybe it will take my mind off of my problem and help me relax enough to order my thoughts. It would be so much easier if the "object of my affections" lived in this town! That way I wouldn't have to worry about being so careful to put distance there. But that probably will only make sense to one or two people. So I should go before I say something really stupid.