Would you date me...?

[overit]

Oh, I've heard that a million times too..."I want my OWN child...not somebody else's"...what a horrid, selfish outlook, in my opinion. As if you OWN your children...WRONG! God owns them! HE creates them, not you! And while they may carry your genes, they are not YOURS. To refuse to become a stepparent solely based on that is disgusting to me.

Now, if you just don't WANT kids at all...that's fine. But to demand that you have to BE the impregnator, and that a fatherless child just isn't WORTHY of you...please, just keep on walking.

Yeah, I don't get it....something about spreading their own seed, caveman days-[wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] on a tree, have my property mentality.Aghhh

 

[Deliberatetourist]

Don't forget though that when you marry someone with a child from a previous marriage/out of wedlock etc... you are marrying the ex and his/her family as well. I could love any child not my own as I love children but if there were some immediate identifiable family problems in that regard it would make someone think twice. For example if the child were a mixed race child and his father was getting out of prison for gang related murder or something, or the ex and his family were inbred meth heads or something. Those are problems that would need someone with lots more resolve than I. Don't get me wrong I am not racist or anything I am just illustrating that I have had to deal with situations involving those types of people before and that would be the red flag of all flags for me.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

, caveman days-[wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] on a tree, have my property mentality.

I want to know what was happening in the tree.

Don't forget though that when you marry someone with a child from a previous marriage/out of wedlock etc... you are marrying the ex and his/her family as well.

Unless you're lucky like me and have an ex that ran away to another country.

 

[overit]

I want to know what was happening in the tree.




Unless you're lucky like me and have an ex that ran away to another country.

LOL-you know, just like male dogs lift their legs, urinate on the tree-marking the property thing

 

[Inkachu]

Don't forget though that when you marry someone with a child from a previous marriage/out of wedlock etc... you are marrying the ex and his/her family as well. I could love any child not my own as I love children but if there were some immediate identifiable family problems in that regard it would make someone think twice. For example if the child were a mixed race child and his father was getting out of prison for gang related murder or something, or the ex and his family were inbred meth heads or something. Those are problems that would need someone with lots more resolve than I. Don't get me wrong I am not racist or anything I am just illustrating that I have had to deal with situations involving those types of people before and that would be the red flag of all flags for me.

This is not the case 100% of the time, or even close to it. There are many single parents out there like myself, who were not married, have sole custody, and the ex and his family have never been involved in our lives.

Beyond that, since when was it the child's fault for his parents' problems? Wouldn't such a child be the most needing of love, stability, and a godly influence?

It seems a shame that selfish comfort takes precedence over the needs of an innocent child.

 

[ido]

This is not the case 100% of the time, or even close to it. There are many single parents out there like myself, who were not married, have sole custody, and the ex and his family have never been involved in our lives.

Beyond that, since when was it the child's fault for his parents' problems? Wouldn't such a child be the most needing of love, stability, and a godly influence?

It seems a shame that selfish comfort takes precedence over the needs of an innocent child.

I've kept quiet for the most part on this subject, but I wanted to address this statement.

I am a former stepmom. My ex and I started dating when his oldest son was 2 years old. We separated/divorced when his son was 8.

The issues that come into play with stepparenting often times have very little to do with the innocent child(ren) and a lot to do with the parents and the dynamic that they create between the stepparent and the child(ren).

My ex constantly criticized me - in front of my stepson - about how he didn't think that I loved my stepson enough, didn't treat him as equally as I did our sons, etc. Fortunately, my stepson's mom and I developed a good relationship and she supported my position in her son's life, even when my ex did not. Truth be told, his mom has informed me that regardless of who follows in my footsteps with his dad, she will always consider me her son's stepmom. Most mothers are not that accepting of stepmoms - believe me, it took his mom and I a few years to get to a good place. It can be equally as difficult for stepdads since the kids are typically in the mom's care the majority of the time. He would be entering into a home that was most likely fully functioning before his arrival. Assimilation would be a difficult task, especially depending on the ages of the kids.

So, the problems that occurred for me had nothing to do with my stepson...but he was the center of the issues at the same time.

Stepparenting is NOT an easy job - whether both biological parents are present or not. Having worn that hat, I can honestly say that I appreciate it when someone is forthright enough to admit that stepparenting is more than they care to take on.

I also believe that single parents need to be 100% certain that they are willing to allow another adult to enter into a parenting role and emotionally adopt their child(ren). If a parent/stepparent can't present a united front with the child(ren), then the family is doomed before they even begin blending.

JMHO

 

[GQ Chris]

Yeah, I don't get it....something about spreading their own seed, caveman days-[wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] on a tree, have my property mentality.Aghhh

Well I just like to pee in my designated areas and mark my territory

 

[country woman]

that's disgusting Chris

 

[Deliberatetourist]

This is not the case 100% of the time, or even close to it. There are many singlle parents out there like myself, who were not married, have sole custody, and the ex and his family have never been involved in our lives.

Beyond that, since when was it the child's fault for his parents' problems? Wouldn't such a child be the most needing of love, stability, and a godly influence?

It seems a shame that selfish comfort takes precedence over the needs of an innocent child.

And when is it anyone's obligation other than the biological father to put themselves in that role? Anyone has the right to remove themselves from any such situation and they should be exempt from judgements about "selfishness" and so forth.
Years ago I had a gal at a small church I attended who was really into me. She was a little bit on the heavier side but not so much that it would have negated attraction. Only one problem - she was a convicted felon. Now I know we all make mistakes but I am a world traveller and I currently live overseas and if I were to align myself in a situation like that it could have negative implications on my lifestyle in that regard.
In short there wasn't enough interest on my part to make up for the negatives and I never let it go any further than that.
Same with a gal with a child. Some guys wouldn't care and some would even welcome the additional responsibility but there is always going to be the pro and con issue. Is the relationship going to offer you enough to deal with the negative implications? Yes/no whatever it's up to the individual and it would be better to know those things up front then to try to manage a relationship that is eventually going to beome unmanageable for one reason or another.
As far as your "innocent children" observation, yes there are lots of innocent children but there are situations that would help them and situations that would create more problems. I still say that if there were white trash relatives than that would be a problem for me. I don't like those people I don't like to deal with them and I construct my life as such to where I wont live near them or have any dealings with them. Same goes for black gang members.

 

[GQ Chris]

that's disgusting Chris

 

[Rory]

No, I'm not asking anyone out, lol.

My question is to the men: Would you date a 30 year old single mother?

Sometimes I think to myself "Nobody's going to want you...why would they want you when they could find someone younger, with no kids...just give it up".

I'll try to keep my chin up, even if some of you say you wouldn't. I would really like some honest answers, though. Just be kind, please.

Not sure if I should be posting in this forum yet. Just wanted to say that for me personally if the girl was someone I cared enough to be with, then them having a kid already while a big responsibilty, wouldn't be a cause for avoiding the girl.

I can see why some would not feel the same way, either due to the wanting their own kids not someone elses or just those afraid of the responsibility it will entail. Though I feel myself that if you and the girl are compatible in all other ways then it would be wrong both to her and the child to bail.

From reading this thread I'm guessing I'm not alone on this way of thinking. Thankfully.

 

[Inkachu]

And when is it anyone's obligation other than the biological father to put themselves in that role? Anyone has the right to remove themselves from any such situation and they should be exempt from judgements about "selfishness" and so forth.
Years ago I had a gal at a small church I attended who was really into me. She was a little bit on the heavier side but not so much that it would have negated attraction. Only one problem - she was a convicted felon. Now I know we all make mistakes but I am a world traveller and I currently live overseas and if I were to align myself in a situation like that it could have negative implications on my lifestyle in that regard.
In short there wasn't enough interest on my part to make up for the negatives and I never let it go any further than that.
Same with a gal with a child. Some guys wouldn't care and some would even welcome the additional responsibility but there is always going to be the pro and con issue. Is the relationship going to offer you enough to deal with the negative implications? Yes/no whatever it's up to the individual and it would be better to know those things up front then to try to manage a relationship that is eventually going to beome unmanageable for one reason or another.
As far as your "innocent children" observation, yes there are lots of innocent children but there are situations that would help them and situations that would create more problems. I still say that if there were white trash relatives than that would be a problem for me. I don't like those people I don't like to deal with them and I construct my life as such to where I wont live near them or have any dealings with them. Same goes for black gang members.

To each their own. I'm tempted to construct a lengthy and analytical reply to your post, but instead, I'm simply glad I don't need to deal with someone like you on a daily basis.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

To each their own. I'm tempted to construct a lengthy and analytical reply to your post, but instead, I'm simply glad I don't need to deal with someone like you on a daily basis.

You can be sure that the feeling is mutual. My unlenghthy and off the cuff analysis of your posting is that you are too emotionally involved to make a rational assessment one way or another.
You are a single mother feeling insecure because of what you truly percieve to be a liability in your relationship success. I can sympathize with that. Your child needs a father and for whatever reason your social life is probably in the dumps being mid 30ish (don't be offended most people's social life is in the dump in their 30's). But directing your anger at those people who reject you for one reason or another just lends credence to the fact that you are bitter.
Bitter people make lousy significant others, believe me I know.
Instead of lashing out at those who would consider your situation to be less than ideal why not earnestly begin seeking God and let him solve your problems? So your praying and that isn't working. Well try fasting and praying. Nothing yet? Well why not try a three day fast and prayer. Believe me when you reach out to God he reaches out to you. I had a similar dilemna a few years back and when I began earnestly showing God that I was seeking him things began to change.

 

[moicherie]

I know it is hard to believe, and that is how i know that i will be single for a long time because nobody will believe that i struck bad luck 2 times. My first marriage (which I had my son), she was an alcoholic. It was my fault that i decided i could change that with "kill em with kindness" but she got very moody and had to have it. During that marriage we would argue 90 percent of the time about alcohol (until she cheated on me going to sea). My second marriage of almost a year, i went to sea she cheated on me and sent me a "Dear John" letter saying it wont work. We tried to work it out when i got back then she was pregnant with someone elses kid and so i still tried to make it work, but there was nothing left there feeling wise for me so i bailed out and asked for a divorce. I can honestly say i expected the very words and advice you guys put out. Like there had to be something I did to corrupt it and make them not like me or something. Im not perfect and there are things i have done probably to stem arguments, but not to goto the degree of cheating. That is why i know i'll be single probably the rest of my life....i've doomed myself for making the wrong choices in the begining. I can do the ungodly thing and go try it again at the bar/club, but thats not who i want to be. Im trying to live for God now and hopefully someone will see that one day. BTW no i dont have any addictions porn/drugs/alcohol. I just thought i could change the people who i was with and married too early cause it "felt" right.

Perhaps your fault lies in the massive misconception that you could change people and going on what 'felt right' . Changing people is a power only God has and even then He does not force change upon us. The best thing to do is learn from your mistakes of the past and leave the future with God. I hope all goes well, there is someone out there for you but next time put God in charge.

 

[moicherie]

Ok, this may come as a real shocker, but I actually respect this man for being honest. REALLY I do!!!! I'm quite convinced myself that the majority of cases, this is the actual truth-for MOST guys. there might be some exceptions, but for the most part I've found this outlook to be true. Try beign a single mother of TWO boys lol.I have found that 99% of the guys I've run into were into dating, fun, etc...but not up to the package deal. Adn the only ones UP to the package deal weren't a match for me and had serious problems that would have made a good relationship VERY difficult.I have heard men say, and quite honestly-that most of them DO have a problem with us having children from another man-something about having their own seed I guess. And as much as we thing "oh how awful to think like this not all guys do"...in my own personal life I have found this to be VERY true.That said, I have given up. I also realize that becaue of our full plate and responsibilities, having the time and dedication to find the precious few that DON'T think this way, add all the list of things that you would like to find in a partner, and well, the possibilities/chances of finding someone-well, better to find a needle in a haystack of an acre. I just don't bother....I'm ok with being single and quite happy...so I'll just live the rest of my life solo...oh wait that's right when my kids are grown and out of the house and I have no responsbilities THEN you might have guys wanting companionship....my thoughts are oh you finally grow up now? Well, why even bother? There are other ways of staying somewhat satisfied in one aspect of my life and being happy single, so it's just not frikking worth the bother with guys.Sorry if that sounds bitter but I like to think of it as being realistic. It's just my true honest opinion based on many guys opinions as ulu as stated.

To be honest if most men had full custody of their young children at home a lot of women would think just like they do regardimg a single parent and young children so don't be too harsh on them.

 

[Inkachu]

You can be sure that the feeling is mutual. My unlenghthy and off the cuff analysis of your posting is that you are too emotionally involved to make a rational assessment one way or another.
You are a single mother feeling insecure because of what you truly percieve to be a liability in your relationship success. I can sympathize with that. Your child needs a father and for whatever reason your social life is probably in the dumps being mid 30ish (don't be offended most people's social life is in the dump in their 30's). But directing your anger at those people who reject you for one reason or another just lends credence to the fact that you are bitter.
Bitter people make lousy significant others, believe me I know.
Instead of lashing out at those who would consider your situation to be less than ideal why not earnestly begin seeking God and let him solve your problems? So your praying and that isn't working. Well try fasting and praying. Nothing yet? Well why not try a three day fast and prayer. Believe me when you reach out to God he reaches out to you. I had a similar dilemna a few years back and when I began earnestly showing God that I was seeking him things began to change.

My "social life" is not "in the dumps". I am not "insecure". And I am not "bitter" or "angry". You saw no lashing out from me. You are patronizing and full of assumptions. I'm sure you'd LOVE for me to get upset and act irrational, but you won't get the pleasure.

I again thank God, all the more enthusiastically, that I don't have to deal with you, or anyone like you, on a daily basis.

Lastly, this thread is not an invitation to attack me personally. Please see the OP for the original intent of the thread, especially the request to "be kind", which you seem to have overlooked.

 

[moicherie]

I don't think its selfish of a man to want his 'own' children. Many women feel the same don't they? Why do you think there are so many kids in the foster system and not being adopted? Because both genders especially with the help of IVF, surrogacy and other methods want kids that are genetically related to them. Whether this attitude is right or wrong is another topic but its not something unique to men so lets not be hypocritical here for I shall assume that most parents that are on this site are genetically related to their kids? Right?

 

[Inkachu]

I don't think its selfish of a man to want his 'own' children. Many women feel the same don't they? Why do you think there are so many kids in the foster system and not being adopted? Because both genders especially with the help of IVF, surrogacy and other methods want kids that are genetically related to them. Whether this attitude is right or wrong is another topic but its not something unique to men so lets not be hypocritical here for I shall assume that most parents that are on this site are genetically related to their kids? Right?

I don't think anyone stated it was just men who want their own biological children. But as we are single mothers, we're speaking from that perspective (those of us who have commented on this issue). If I ever desire more children, I want to adopt or foster, so I am not being hypocritical in the least. I've dated men with children and loved them as my own, regardless of their background and situation, because the children didn't ask for it, and they deserve better.

 

[moicherie]

I don't think anyone stated it was just men who want their own biological children. But as we are single mothers, we're speaking from that perspective.

I can understand that but the same way you have your 'own' child is the same way certain men may want his. So what's selfish about that? Men who are like that are just not for you and vice versa.

 

[Inkachu]

I can understand that but the same way you have your 'own' child is the same way certain men may want his. So what's selfish about that? Men who are like that are just not for you and vice versa.

Isn't everyone permitted their own opinion and belief? You're free to disagree with me. I have a heart for unwanted children, and I think it's sad that more Christians don't. It's that simple. It's nothing deeper or more controversial than that. If you think about it - if every newlywed Christian couple decided to adopt one child (and have as many of their own as they wanted, if they wanted to)...how quickly would the number of unwanted children vanish! Am I saying that every Christian couple is evil and horrible for not doing so? Of course not. I'm only stating a theory, that I would gladly partake in someday, if the Lord allows it.

Again...this thread is not for a debate...if it continues as such, I'll have to close it.