Worried about what everyone thinks

[LaundrySoap]

Hi all.
I broke up with my ex on May 13th. I've been thinking lately about how he's told me he'd gone to other people asking for advice on our relationship, and how I'm pretty sure he's told people about a bad thought I confessed to him. A few times, we went "pretty far," physically, but not all the way. And I'd had the thought of "baby trapping" him--if he got me pregnant, he'd have to stay with me. This happened a few times, and each time I remorsefully confessed or later apologized to it (first time I told him I'd had the thought, and then another time he asked if I'd had the thought).

I can practically hear the words "she's crazy," or "she's a psycho." If he told his current girlfriend about it, I feel like that would be her conclusion. I don't know who he told, or what people think, or what HE even thinks of me now. I know when we were going through the breakup, he asked our friends to make sure I knew I wasn't alone. He refused to hang out with me because he didn't want his feelings coming back--which tells me there was still something there.

All that to say is, I want to email him and apologize. Even though he's made it more or less clear that we're not to be talking anymore. And regardless, the damage has been done if I apologize; he may have already told people. I know I'd have the same thought if someone told me; I'd probably think "she's crazy and you dodged a bullet." He's a very forgiving person, but I worry that his opinion of me has changed after being away from me. And I worry about what others think.

I confessed the baby trap thoughts probably out of compulsion. I needed him to know that I'd had these terrible thoughts and motives. Maybe I didn't need to even share them with him. But I did, and maybe he'd say it's a good thing I did. All I know is, I sunk horribly low in our relationship. I was the worst version of myself. And there's no fixing whatever people might think of me.

 

[Unqualified]

Those thoughts are normal, just not a wise hing to do. Don’t worry you are coming along fine. But he is not the one for you. He might not have married you anyway. Thousands of single moms out there. I hope you are not isolating. I hope you have some one to talk to.

 

[com7fy8]

You have us. And ones of us know you can change. And if we pray for you, we can believe that God really changes you . . . so we do not hold on to ideas about you, which might be "out of date".

So, you might be wise not to worry about people who try to hold things on you. They might not know how God is able! So, you can be wise to love them and have hope for them, in prayer.

And in case there is someone you are concerned about, you can talk with that person and let the person speak for oneself about what he or she thinks of you. Or else, let it go and don't make up stuff > your mind should have better things for your attention.

 

[Beslowtoanger]

How brave you are, how strong you are and how faithful to God you are to Confess, in flesh and spirit. You cannot do anymore, than what you have done, now let God wash away your guilt, do not let it become a stronghold for that is for the pleasure of the evil one. Pray daily for strength, take time out for spiritual mindfulness and when your racing thoughts throw you to depths of despair……destroy them with the thoughts of Jesus Christ.

Let people, think what they think, God and you know the truth, and for those that condemn you, let it wash and pray for them.

I say your faith has driven your behaviours for forgiveness/confession and guilt but your faith should also banish guilt/worry through Christ.

Sending my love and peace to you

David

 

[LaundrySoap]

Thank you, all. I've managed to calm down quite a but.

I miss him. I lost pretty much all respect for him recently, because I've learned that he's still quite selfish (and just in general, he was bad with boundaries and I don't think he respected me). But I do miss his calm personality and I miss having someone level headed around. I miss what we had, and I'm mad that after 28 years he was the best shot I had at getting married, and it ended like this.

Why is it that all i attract are men who aren't good for me?

I wanted him to be better, and he wasn't, and he isn't, and he may never be. And it just sucks. I sat down and made a list of his favorite foods, and I cooked for him all the time, and I was thinking that once we got married we might have to move to a city we don't like to take care of his mom--but I wanted to be with him, so I was just gonna deal with it.

And now he's with a girl who, it sounds like, he doesn't like that much. Why? Was I truly that horrible to be with? He said he couldn't handle my anxiety and I need to be with someone else. But my goodness, I did so much for him. And for what?

 

[FoundWandering]

Thank you, all. I've managed to calm down quite a but.

I miss him. I lost pretty much all respect for him recently, because I've learned that he's still quite selfish (and just in general, he was bad with boundaries and I don't think he respected me). But I do miss his calm personality and I miss having someone level headed around. I miss what we had, and I'm mad that after 28 years he was the best shot I had at getting married, and it ended like this.

Why is it that all i attract are men who aren't good for me?

I wanted him to be better, and he wasn't, and he isn't, and he may never be. And it just sucks. I sat down and made a list of his favorite foods, and I cooked for him all the time, and I was thinking that once we got married we might have to move to a city we don't like to take care of his mom--but I wanted to be with him, so I was just gonna deal with it.

And now he's with a girl who, it sounds like, he doesn't like that much. Why? Was I truly that horrible to be with? He said he couldn't handle my anxiety and I need to be with someone else. But my goodness, I did so much for him. And for what?

It's perfectly normal to "miss" him in your grief. You spent so much time, love, and effort on him that your comfortable place is where you once were, but you are now grieving the loss of the fruits of all of that.

That he even has someone new already lets you know two things: 1) he didn't stop to grieve the loss of y'all's relationship and just moved "on to the next", and 2) that he wasn't right for you if he could just jump so quickly to another.

There may have been feelings for you at the onset of the relationship, because of the frisky newness of it all, but those feelings aren't love. They're lust and challenge. All of us, women or men, know exactly what lust is. But few know that many bad men enjoy the challenge of newness. Getting to know a person, learning all their quirks, finding their weaknesses, obtaining their held secrets. Once the bad men know all these things, the mask comes off pretty quickly, unfortunately. And any and all effort you put into the relationship gets thrown away so he can enjoy a new conquest with someone else, only to have that one end just as abruptly. So the cycle continues, with him.

The choice you must make now is only in your control. Can you pray to the Lord to help you see the signs of a bad man before you take the giant leap of trust and love with them? Continue throughout your next relationship to both pray together about things that really matter to your relationship with one another. Instead of just revealing the bad thoughts in your head to him, pray to the Lord to relieve you of those thoughts entirely. Pray for trust, pray for faith, pray for togetherness, pray for continuity, pray for combined peace. Pray on everything... together.

Relationships aren't a one-way street. You both have to be willing to do the exact same amount of work on it. Your pastor or priest (or just reading the Bible itself) can help you find the calming peace you need in the now, and assist your journey for a better future relationship should one come along. I wouldn't go looking for one until after your full grieving process is over and you've resolved your feelings for your ex.