Wife won't go to church - need advice

[RobinRedbreast]

I disagree with what I highlighted in blue. We made a mutual decision that it's 5 kids, not 3 of my kids and 2 of her kids. She pushes them all to go with me, and I push them to go with me, and there's never a real battle. If we split up authority over the kids like you say, that sends the message that certain parents have certain powers over certain kids, and that's bunk.

Totally agree with this, when it's a family with a mix of children from each parent, you cannot have some rules for some children or certian rules from one parent different rules from another, rules that only apply to some kids on some days from one person, that would be ridiculous. That would be terrible parenting.

 

[bliz]

You and your wife are totally right in regarding all 5 children as your collective children and not having different rules and different lines of authority.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I disagree with what I highlighted in blue. We made a mutual decision that it's 5 kids, not 3 of my kids and 2 of her kids. She pushes them all to go with me, and I push them to go with me, and there's never a real battle. If we split up authority over the kids like you say, that sends the message that certain parents have certain powers over certain kids, and that's bunk.

That is really great. It changes nothing. Your wife wants them to go so they go. If she didn't want them to go then they probably wouldn't go. You can not force her children to go. Your wife chooses to sit out church. She has changed her behavior in this area since you married her. What makes you think she's solid as a rock in other areas?

I knew a single mother who looked ratty. She was a slob and generally a lazy person. One day she starts wearing makeup and dressing a bit more risque. She meets a guy and marries him shortly after she gets pregnant with his child. I just saw her yesterday looking as ratty as ever, actually worse than before.

When people act different after you make a commitment with them it should flip a switch in your mind that says something might be up. Sort of like a claymore going off in the perimeter.

People don't change. If she isn't going to church now its probably because she didn't go before she met you. Her children will eventually realize mommy is a hypcrite and want to stay home too. When that happens they will fall back on mommy's logic, whatever it may be, and mommy will have to agree with it or admit she is a hypocrite. When that happens you will see what I referred to in the prior post I made which you referred to as bunk.

 

[TCat]

Autumnleaf

I disagree with so much of your post. People can change, that is what Christianity is all about, the fact that God, thru the Holy Spirit changes us, washes us clean thru the blood of Christ.

My husband claimed to be at best an agnostic regarding God after we got married. Personally I hated and feared God for what I thought He had allowed in my past. And thank God that He changed us both, not in our timing but in His.

Telling the OP that people don't change really short changes what God can do and certainly doesn't encourage the OP to stand in the gap for his wife, face this martial struggle with confidence in God's will and power and encourage him to pray and love her as he vowed to do.

Remember we are to speak the Word in Spirit and in Truth, trusting that His plans for us are good and lay our burdens on Him because He can carry them.

 

[Dogbean]

That is really great. It changes nothing. Your wife wants them to go so they go. If she didn't want them to go then they probably wouldn't go. You can not force her children to go. Your wife chooses to sit out church. She has changed her behavior in this area since you married her. What makes you think she's solid as a rock in other areas?

I knew a single mother who looked ratty. She was a slob and generally a lazy person. One day she starts wearing makeup and dressing a bit more risque. She meets a guy and marries him shortly after she gets pregnant with his child. I just saw her yesterday looking as ratty as ever, actually worse than before.

When people act different after you make a commitment with them it should flip a switch in your mind that says something might be up. Sort of like a claymore going off in the perimeter.

People don't change. If she isn't going to church now its probably because she didn't go before she met you. Her children will eventually realize mommy is a hypcrite and want to stay home too. When that happens they will fall back on mommy's logic, whatever it may be, and mommy will have to agree with it or admit she is a hypocrite. When that happens you will see what I referred to in the prior post I made which you referred to as bunk.

You know what? If you say "people don't change" then you make God out to be a liar, because people do change when they accept the Lord into their hearts. We are conformed into the image of Christ. "The old has passed away and all things are made new." So the advice/opinions you are giving here are unscriptural. So while I say thank you for your input, I still respectfully assert that what you are saying is "bunk."

 

[Aileen]

Your desire is that you all go to church together, the complete family. and that desire is in accordance with God´s will so keep praying and asking God to give you wisdom when to speak and when to be quiet.

A brief question....do you attend the church that you and previous wife attended? Does your wife feel that she isn´t "as good" as your previous wife or that she doesn´t "match up"?

Every blessing.

 

[tiredwalker]

Backing off completely will probably help quite a bit as most people have already stated. However, that may not be enough. Changing your point of view/focus/attitude would probably help. She may be a closet atheist who is afraid to come out but absolutely horrified at the idea of going to church. She may have had a bad experience with someone who acted in an authoritative manner--like you seem to be doing. Whatever it is, getting in her face about it is truly going to cause her to wall up about it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd sit down with her (during a time of peace) and say, "I don't want us to fight about church/God anymore. I love you and respect the fact that you are an adult and can make your own decisions. I want you to know that you are always welcome to come to church with us, but I am not going to bug you about it. If I invite you on Sundays, it is truly to let you know you're welcome, not to try and bother you about it."

Something to that effect may after a while (you must give it time) really open the door to discussions about what is upsetting her. Good luck to you. Please know that I speak from experience.

 

[Dogbean]

Your desire is that you all go to church together, the complete family. and that desire is in accordance with God´s will so keep praying and asking God to give you wisdom when to speak and when to be quiet.

A brief question....do you attend the church that you and previous wife attended? Does your wife feel that she isn´t "as good" as your previous wife or that she doesn´t "match up"?

Every blessing.

Sorry, forgot to get back to you on this. To answer your question....you apparently didn't pay attention to the original story. My first wife died in Tucson. Shortly therafter, when I got the kids back, I stopped going to the house-church that we were attending and found a new one. After that, I started going to Calvary Chapel, which I hated, because my new wife said she liked it and I wanted to do something to help encourage her to go. Her attendance was spotty, at best. Now we have moved to Monterey and picked out a church together. Her attendance was spotty, but now she has not gone since May. Last couple times she went, she told people there "I'm trying to get back into the church thing" and she filled out prayer cards asking for prayer to help get back into church, but apparently that's not working, or it's all an act....I'm not sure which.

 

[Erin80]

This is old, but I am a wife that refuses to go to church, so I can offer my perspective to you or anyone else in a similar situation.

My husband in really religious, he grew up in a very religious home, he is rigid regarding religion and always thinks he is right. He tries to correct the way I perceive things.

He used to spend alot of time calculating the tithe, to be exactly 10% to the penny before taxes, but was neglecting our families needs. Need for him to help me with my postpartum depression, need for him not to work so much (so he could spend time with me and the baby), need for adequate housing, clothing and toys for my baby.
I noticed my baby was not developing normally at church compared to a similar aged baby. He discounted my opinion. My baby wasn't talking, he wouldn't pay for speech therapy but gave money to the church. My son was diagnosed with autism.

Anyway long story but do you love your wife as Christ loved the church? Do you think you don't love her as much as your last wife? Do you cherish her? Or does your wife see you as a hypocrite? If you don't love your wife, or care about her and her feelings then why would she want to go to church? Maybe if you started loving her the way the bible says, she might start going to church. I am not saying this is your case, It is my experience and the reason I no longer go to church or believe.

 

[mkgal1]

I hope more people read (and consider) your post, Erin. Faith is meant to be just that....."faith". I think too many people desire certainty for their own sense of well-being (and security) but what happens is the rigidity that you mentioned and the criticism of others. IOW....the people that believe they have it all "right" really seem to be living it out in a way that doesn't really "speak" love (and it drives people away from them and God).

 

[FireDragon76]

It's actually more important that people communicate well and have a similar outlook on life, than they be the same religion. Religion can be paper thin in commitment and it can come and go.

 

[FireDragon76]

He used to spend alot of time calculating the tithe, to be exactly 10% to the penny before taxes, but was neglecting our families needs. Need for him to help me with my postpartum depression, need for him not to work so much (so he could spend time with me and the baby), need for adequate housing, clothing and toys for my baby.
I noticed my baby was not developing normally at church compared to a similar aged baby. He discounted my opinion. My baby wasn't talking, he wouldn't pay for speech therapy but gave money to the church. My son was diagnosed with autism.

Are you aware that your husband's behavior sounds like autism? That could explain the rigidity and rigid rules-based ethic.

His behavior is wrong, akin to taking money that belongs to you and your child and declaring it to be korban (Mark 7:11). But if he grew up in a religious environment that emphasized following rules, he may not be capable of realizing the hypocrisy of his behavior.

 

[damseremie]

I googled basically the exact question in the title and arrived at this site 9 years after the original poster. I registered to post this
I'll love to know how it has gone over the years.
I am in a very similar situation.
My wife and I got married about 3 years ago (2014), she had gone to a few churches where people had disappointed her and hadn't been to church in years before we met.
Also as a child, her parents weren't really "church-going"
I on the other hand grew up in a Christian home and my faith had built up in recent years.
As we got more serious , we tried to find somewhere to worship and found a lovely church, where the entire focus is more on showing love, family and caring.
She liked it, she chose it, I agreed, we joined, did all the membership classes and things and got married there after about a year and the half.
She would even be the one to wake me on Sunday mornings. About a year later, she got pregnant with our first child. Naturally as the pregnancy progressed, she didn't attend church as much and finally stopped going.
It continued after our lovely daughter came . It was a stressful time for me too and i didn't attend as much either.
Our baby had her church dedication at 4 months old and that was the last time she was in church ( my baby is a year and 5 months now... so it's been over a year).
Like the original poster, i always talked to her about how it was something she loved and it would be nice if we went as a family and that it was important to me . But she closed down and gradually became distant about it.
We have just one car and a few times, i would leave the car since there are two services and she would say she would come with our daughter for the second, but she never did.
It's always challenging as well when friends and people we did pre-marital counselling with ask "how is your wife, we haven't seen her in a long time" and i smile and mumble some excuse.
I was bothered by believed she would come around in her own time .
I confess i never did really put it in prayer but always tried to invite her.

So I was excited when she asked me for a favor a few days ago and i agreed. She came back excited and asked what i wanted in return. It just came to me and i said i'll like her to come to church on Sunday if that's ok. This was on Saturday
She agreed, and wanted to go out,i asked that she pick out her clothes/shoes and my daughter's so i could help iron/clean them so that it's easier on Sunday. She said not to worry, that she'll be back latest 8pm... I asked why not do it now... she insisted she'll be back 8pm .
Long story short, she didn't, i reached out by 8:15pm to ask if she was ok , she sent a message that she was. she called me about 9:30 pm that she was almost at the house and the car had just stopped.
I got there... i couldn't fix it immediately and called a neighbor to come help us tow it.
While waiting for him, i got rather upset and we had a big fight and she said similar things to what the original poster said his wife said, ....that the Bible is a 2000 year old book and how it's just a bunch of people's opinions and she's not even interested in church and all.

It got worse in the fight because i also got upset and said marriage is about understanding and compromises and sometimes things should matter because they are important to the other person and that i do it for her all the time.
She then said yes , then maybe she isn't cut out for marriage at all.

Like he said, it sucks... it was nasty.

But we just talked about it and everything is mostly ok now.
Just before i posted this, we talked again and similar to what people advised, I've let her know it's ok, and i respect her desires, she's always invited to come anytime and i'll begin taking our daughter with me when i head to church
But i have read to all the comments here and will take them to heart...
I'll pray and keep praying about it...
Both for her and for patience/strength for me...
I won't pressure, badger or attempt to bribe her to coming... as that will clearly drive her further
Thanks everyone

 

[mkgal1]

I won't pressure, badger or attempt to bribe her to coming... as that will clearly drive her further
Thanks everyone

I was really relieved to read this last line---it seems that you "got it" that it's certainly not worth it to keep pressuring her about this.

I can say that I'm the one in the position of the "not going to church wife". I've not lost my faith in God....it's actually increased and deepened since I've left....but I get sick to my stomach thinking of trying the whole "church experience" in our community (I do attend a few Bible study groups that I love with ladies that have become like family to me over the years).

One thing I regret is that our daughter was immersed in this whole "church is our life" way of living....and she is now an adult. She's of the [false] belief that she NEEDS to date a "church-attending" guy in order to have a successful marriage. I've tried to point out to her that when her dad and I married---he was an "unbeliever" and I had recently gone back to church (after decades of not attending....and also after we'd become engaged and living together). The church I'd attended refused to marry us (pressured me to break up with him).....so we had to go to another church for our ceremony. Now.....over 27 years later, he is the one attending church faithfully and I am not. Beliefs change. Faith is profoundly personal and a journey (not a position). We are to encourage one another...not pressure, coax, bargain with, or manipulate.

 

[juliet_ndc]

I have lived this for the past 11 years. I grew up in a strong christian family. My husband felt he had to be someone he was not to win my heart while we were in high school. At the time, I did not realize this. After 6 years of dating and a few years into our marriage, things started to get very strained, and he began to pull away from God completely. We fought, argued, and bickered because I was very stubborn about him believing exactly as I did. 3 years ago, our marriage hit rock bottom and it was because he was tired of pretending to be someone he was not. Our marriage was on the brink of ending. It was at this point that I switched my attention from his lack of faith to mine. You have to focus on you and growing in your relationship with God. My husband quit coming to church with me 3 years ago, but I also quit pushing it on him. He has lost God completely, but every Sunday he would ask me about church, and I openly shared. He is again at rock bottom and contemplating if we should be together because he feels so lost and unhappy with himself. This completely devastates me, but one comment he made to me was that he hates that he doesn't have God in his life. He said watching me grow and change in my faith makes him want to have what I have. I'm praying God is using this hurt I am going through to bring my husband back to Him. So I guess what I am saying is, focus on you. Let her see God through your actions and love. Otherwise, you are going to cause her to be more resentful towards you and her heart will harden to what you are wanting her to find.

 

[mkgal1]

He has lost God completely, but every Sunday he would ask me about church, and I openly shared. He is again at rock bottom and contemplating if we should be together because he feels so lost and unhappy with himself. This completely devastates me, but one comment he made to me was that he hates that he doesn't have God in his life.

Welcome to the forums, Juliet. Thanks for sharing this.

It doesn't sound to me that your husband has quite lost God completely......not if he's making comments about missing Him from his life. Have you engaged discussion with him on that---what he actually misses and how, maybe, the two of you can sort of fill in that gap?

There're a few online video teachings my husband and I enjoy watching together. I wonder if something like that would allow your husband to maybe not feel so isolated (if that is what he's feeling)?

As far as allowing room for each person to have their own faith (and respecting that).....I love how this couple has navigated things:

.....and how there can be intersections in faith:

 

[juliet_ndc]

Welcome to the forums, Juliet. Thanks for sharing this.

It doesn't sound to me that your husband has quite lost God completely......not if he's making comments about missing Him from his life. Have you engaged discussion with him on that---what he actually misses and how, maybe, the two of you can sort of fill in that gap?

Thank you for sharing! We have had a few discussion, and he feels he made the choice to shut God out. He said he needs to make the choice to go to church and build that relationship with God on his own, and not with me. I agree with him completely on this because his relationship with God has to be his own. We both have started going to individual counseling. Today was his first day, and he thought it went pretty well. The counselor is christian based so I hope she is able to help him as well.

 

[mkgal1]

This was on my FB news feed just this morning:

.....what's hopeful is that, from what I've read, most people are comfortable to never mature past the "safety" of the third level (and a lot never get past the first level). I'm not an expert by any means.....but I think your husband is experiencing growing pains....and that's what we experience before "new life".

Here's the article that went along with the image: Understanding Christians in Fowler’s Stages of Faith