Wife won't go to church - need advice

[bliz]

I have tried for a time. It failed. I am afraid it let her think that she won...

Hmmm... when did this become a battle which either you win or she wins?

What makes me so mad is her lack of respect or compassion for my feelings and wishes. All I am asking her to do is come with me and let God speak to her there. Just to come with us as a unified family, to be a good example for the kids. But she has so little respect for what I want. She'd rather have this huge fight about it and make me hurt and sad and mad than give in and lift my spirits so high by going. What do you think? I'm asking everyone.

First, no one can have a fight by themselves. You are both participating in the fighting. So, if you want it to stop, one of you needs to stop fighting. Since you are the one posting here, I can only advise you. Stop fighting.

Or, is it not that you want the fighting to stop, but you want to win the fight?

Second, you talk about her lack of respect for what you want. How much respect do you have for what she wants? Make no mistake - I'm on your side - but you are not going to get her to your side by treating her wishes as unimportant and constantly trying to defeat her. Mind you, you are the one who who sees this as a matter to be "won" by one of you or the other as opposed to a matter about which both of you need to try and please God.

Third, I have to think that it's hard for her to hear God's voice anywhere right now, because she hears yours so much.

Didn't mean to make it sound I'm resentful for having to take them. I will admit I have a touch of resentment, but its because she's getting her way, and making me so miserable about it.
And it's that she's telling the kids to go while staying home herself. I think that is hypocritical. And I'm not much for the male being the all powerful leader in the family, but If I wish teh whole family goes together, I don't think that is unreasonable; I think it's reasonable that she respects my wish, but apparently that is not everyone else's opinion. I can back down and give her space but I'm still going to hurt, and I'm still going to be sad, and maybe even a little angry and resentful. How do I find peace in my failure?

Stop seeing this as your failure. You can choose to be sad and angry and resentful if you want, but that is a matter of choice. Why not choose to be loving and compassionate and caring?

 

[Dogbean]

Thanks for the advice everyone. It makes sense. It's just frustrating. I thought I was responsible for the spiritual health of my family, since I'm supposed to be the spiritual leader of the family. And since she does not read the Bible or even respect it's authority like I do, church would be the only place she'd hear God. And if she does not go, she won't hear Him speak. She makes a face every time I give her some Scripture, so I don't know how to bring the Word to her. And as I said before, she might be saved but just angry and backslidden. She won't open up to me about the past so I don't know how to help. I can back off, stop fighting, and just go with my kids, but I'm going to be heartbroken over it. I'd like us to go as a family...that would be my "victory" if you will, but I'm trying to help her and failing. I don't know if she is saved or not....I can't judge but I just wish I knew. The things she says when she gets mad are so hurtful sometimes, like when she tells me I'm not really going to heaven, etc. She always apologizes later though. So I dunno.....

I wonder why in the beginning of our relationship she seemed more open to it, even taking the kids without me one day. An act, to catch a man? I don't know. I'm sure I am part of pushing her away over the past couple years. I just hope it gets better before long. I'll always be by her side but I'm not up for years of this misery.
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[hisbloodformysins]

Thanks Tropical. Didn't mean to make it sound I'm resentful for having to take them. I will admit I have a touch of resentment, but its because she's getting her way, and making me so miserable about it. And it's that she's telling the kids to go while staying home herself. I think that is hypocritical. And I'm not much for the male being the all powerful leader in the family, but If I wish teh whole family goes together, I don't think that is unreasonable; I think it's reasonable that she respects my wish, but apparently that is not everyone else's opinion. I can back down and give her space but I'm still going to hurt, and I'm still going to be sad, and maybe even a little angry and resentful. How do I find peace in my failure?

Give it to God.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I had this same experience with an ex who refused to go to any religious function after we'd been together over a year...pray and do not cease, for if you do, the enemy will use it to his advantage. I am sorry I don't have something great to offer, but having been in the same situation, and hearing you say you've already tried what has been offered, I will let you know that the separation in our beliefs contributed to a large amount of us not being wed...

 

[LJSGM]

Thanks for the advice everyone. It makes sense. It's just frustrating. I thought I was responsible for the spiritual health of my family, since I'm supposed to be the spiritual leader of the family. And since she does not read the Bible or even respect it's authority like I do, church would be the only place she'd hear God. And if she does not go, she won't hear Him speak. She makes a face every time I give her some Scripture, so I don't know how to bring the Word to her. And as I said before, she might be saved but just angry and backslidden. She won't open up to me about the past so I don't know how to help. I can back off, stop fighting, and just go with my kids, but I'm going to be heartbroken over it. I'd like us to go as a family...that would be my "victory" if you will, but I'm trying to help her and failing. I don't know if she is saved or not....I can't judge but I just wish I knew. The things she says when she gets mad are so hurtful sometimes, like when she tells me I'm not really going to heaven, etc. She always apologizes later though. So I dunno.....

I wonder why in the beginning of our relationship she seemed more open to it, even taking the kids without me one day. An act, to catch a man? I don't know. I'm sure I am part of pushing her away over the past couple years. I just hope it gets better before long. I'll always be by her side but I'm not up for years of this misery.
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Seriously though, does she have any friends or fellowship at this church that you take her to? That is the purpose of going, being around other Christians that love her and provide her with non-judgmental support and spiritual encouragement/edification. If she is not getting that, she might find the whole thing meaningless, and I don't know if it would help her anyways if she did go.

The only thing I can think of is to go to a home church and make some Christian friends/family. Who knows, you might find the experience fullfilling as well.

 

[GryffinSong]

Just a thought. Women, when in a disagreement, often want to feel HEARD, and to have the freedom to FEEL what they feel. If you preach scripture, or make this about going to church, it's about actions, and about your version of the facts. I would give her space, give her time, give her respect. Ask her how she FEELS about things. And then LISTEN. It's very possible, since she won't talk with you about her past, that there are issues you're currently unaware of. Since she's backing away and fighting back, I agree with those who say its time to stop that approach. You'll only alienate her further.

I feel for you both, and hope you can work things out.

Meanwhile, if she won't see a counselor, I suggest you find a counselor for YOU, to help you deal with your feelings in this. To help you realize its not your failure, and to help you with coping mechanisms.

Best of luck to you all!

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Just a thought. Women, when in a disagreement, often want to feel HEARD, and to have the freedom to FEEL what they feel. If you preach scripture, or make this about going to church, it's about actions, and about your version of the facts. I would give her space, give her time, give her respect. Ask her how she FEELS about things. And then LISTEN. It's very possible, since she won't talk with you about her past, that there are issues you're currently unaware of. Since she's backing away and fighting back, I agree with those who say its time to stop that approach. You'll only alienate her further.

I feel for you both, and hope you can work things out.

Meanwhile, if she won't see a counselor, I suggest you find a counselor for YOU, to help you deal with your feelings in this. To help you realize its not your failure, and to help you with coping mechanisms.

Best of luck to you all!

I completely agree with this.

 

[bliz]

... so I don't know how to bring the Word to her.

Live it.

She can read the Word written on the pages of your life, if you submit yourself to God. Be the good Shepard. Be the father of the prodigal son. Forgive her 70 X 7. Carry her burdens.

And as I said before, she might be saved but just angry and backslidden. She won't open up to me about the past so I don't know how to help. I can back off, stop fighting, and just go with my kids, but I'm going to be heartbroken over it. I'd like us to go as a family...that would be my "victory" if you will, but I'm trying to help her and failing. I don't know if she is saved or not....I can't judge but I just wish I knew. The things she says when she gets mad are so hurtful sometimes, like when she tells me I'm not really going to heaven, etc. She always apologizes later though. So I dunno.....

Quit looking for a victory for yourself and look to become more Christlike. Become a servant to your wife not her interrogator and not her theology instructor. Love her. Enjoy her.

I wonder why in the beginning of our relationship she seemed more open to it, even taking the kids without me one day. An act, to catch a man?

Oh, please! Are you the same charming and winsome guy you were at the beginning of your relationship with her? Was that an act to catch a woman - not to mention, someone to take care of your children? Everyone puts their best foot forward in a new relationship, including you.

Are these thoughts yours alone or do you have "friends" who are encouraging you to see your wife in the worst possible light? You are talking about your wife - a woman God instructs you to love - a woman you promised to love. Where is that love?

I don't know. I'm sure I am part of pushing her away over the past couple years. I just hope it gets better before long. I'll always be by her side but I'm not up for years of this misery.

Really? Your wife not sitting next to you in a pew is going to cause you years of misery? Then quite pushing her away. She's not gong to sit beside you in church if you have been pushing her away at home.

 

[Dogbean]

Seriously though, does she have any friends or fellowship at this church that you take her to? That is the purpose of going, being around other Christians that love her and provide her with non-judgmental support and spiritual encouragement/edification. If she is not getting that, she might find the whole thing meaningless, and I don't know if it would help her anyways if she did go.

The only thing I can think of is to go to a home church and make some Christian friends/family. Who knows, you might find the experience fullfilling as well.

First off, I hate house churches.
Hate is a strong word....I strongly prefer not to go to house churches. I had bad experiences with them in Arizona.

Second, she picked the church we go to. She likes it, and felt welcome there.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Well, like I said before... the best way to inspire that desire in your spouse is to treat her how you want to be treated... start being Christ to her by accepting her, not preaching or bible thumping (turns people off when they already have a lack of interest). Just be Christ to her genuinely.....

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Well, like I said before... the best way to inspire that desire in your spouse is to treat her how you want to be treated... start being Christ to her by accepting her, not preaching or bible thumping (turns people off when they already have a lack of interest). Just be Christ to her genuinely.....

This is such good advice.

And it makes sense if you think about it... If you think about the whole "man is the head of the woman, and Christ is the head of the man" set up. Spiritual head-of-household is a good way to look at this situation right now, and it's a huge responsibility that is now (if it wasn't before) very much upon you, and it is even more important of a responsibility in the worst of times than in the best of times... and with those responsibilities comes determining ways to show the love of God through you to her even if she were to fall away from Christ.

That involves determining productive ways of doing that (and preaching/bible thumping are very rarely going to fall into the category of "productive").

I just think this is such a good way of thinking about it. Love her now as Christ would love her now. Respect her now as Christ would respect her now. There are many ways to minister to her, without preaching, using this approach.

It may not always be a fast and clear path, but it will be the path of the most productivity

 

[Autumnleaf]

First off, I hate house churches.
Hate is a strong word....I strongly prefer not to go to house churches. I had bad experiences with them in Arizona.

Second, she picked the church we go to. She likes it, and felt welcome there.

If she liked it she would go. You should pick a different church and start going. Don't discuss it with her, why should she care since she won't go anyways? Just pick another one and take the kids there. Let her get curious and decide to check it out on her own. When you were a younger man you probably found out the key to getting women to go out with you wasn't to beg them to give you a chance so much as to get them interested in what you were doing so they would come to you. Give her a reason to be interested enough to go to church. The one you are going to now is obviously less than inspiring to her.

 

[Dogbean]

If she liked it she would go. You should pick a different church and start going. Don't discuss it with her, why should she care since she won't go anyways? Just pick another one and take the kids there. Let her get curious and decide to check it out on her own. When you were a younger man you probably found out the key to getting women to go out with you wasn't to beg them to give you a chance so much as to get them interested in what you were doing so they would come to you. Give her a reason to be interested enough to go to church. The one you are going to now is obviously less than inspiring to her.

Here is an update, and a clarification based on Autumnleaf's response to something I posted.

What I said about Arizona I'll clarify on here. When my first wife died in 2005, we were living in Tucson, AZ. We were going to a house church (a small group of families meeting in someone's house). I did not like it very much because of various reasons, but she was so plugged in there I went along with it. I was getting good teaching, I just did not like the policies on childcare and the smallness of it. Anyway, they suppored me well when she died, but a few months later when I got my kids back, I left and went to a reformed presbyterian church that I liked. It was a medium sized established church with children's ministries and good, solid teaching. Several months after that, when I met my now 2nd wife, we grew to not like it because of the logistics of the childcare and church layout, and tried a church recommended by her sister. That church was huge and impersonal, but Jen loved it so we made that our home church. Her attendence became intermittent at best, but for some reason I kept going in the hopes that she would attend more.

When we moved to Monterey, CA last November, we tried two churches. We both happened to agree on the one I go to now, so neither of us are unhappy with it. It's just the right size, had good children's program, and solid teaching. The church layout is good too But she does not go much. But at least I'm not stuck in a church I don't like, hoping she'll go. Therefore, there is no reason for me to change churches now. I hope to plug in more if I can fit it into my schedule, with 5 kids, a crazy Navy schedule, karate lessons, etc. Because of my schedule I can only go every other week because I have to work alternating Sundays.

Hope this clears things up.

Update...for the first weekend in a long time, we did not fight about church. I did not push her to go, and she actually made a deal with me and read the Bible at home, and said her reading was "good." I don't get much discussion from her about things like that, but it's a start. She almost went to church, but it was because her daughter asked her to go. But it didn't quite work out.

Question....
Do I have the right to force all the kids to go, even though she does not all the time? She wants them to go, and my oldest is 9 years old.

 

[snoochface]

Question....
Do I have the right to force all the kids to go, even though she does not all the time? She wants them to go, and my oldest is 9 years old.

As their parent (she's the step-parent, right?) you have the right to tell your kids to do anything you want, including go to church. I may have missed some posts, but if she has kids of her own (and you are their step-parent) she should make that call.

 

[Dogbean]

As their parent (she's the step-parent, right?) you have the right to tell your kids to do anything you want, including go to church. I may have missed some posts, but if she has kids of her own (and you are their step-parent) she should make that call.

We both brought kids to this marriage. I had 3 of my own, and she had 2. We don't do a "my kids/your kids" type thing. We unified them as "our kids" and none are different than the others.

I was just wondering at what point do you respect one of your kid's wishes to not practice religion if they really don't want to? What age? My parents used to give me consequences if I did not go to church, even as a teenager. However, now that I am saved (at the age of 14) I am glad they brought me up that way.

 

[bliz]

So long as children live under your roof, you have the right to expect them to do certain things. including going to church. When they are old enough to move out on their own, then they can make their own rules about church. The rules are different for adults and children. Your wife may choose not to attend because she is an adult.

However, I cringe at the use of the word "force".

 

[Dogbean]

So long as children live under your roof, you have the right to expect them to do certain things. including going to church. When they are old enough to move out on their own, then they can make their own rules about church. The rules are different for adults and children. Your wife may choose not to attend because she is an adult.

However, I cringe at the use of the word "force".

Well I didn't mean "force" in a bad way. All 5 kids go willingly, even though sometimes they get bummed out their mom doesn't go and want to stay home, and sometimes they say they'd rather stay home and sleep or play, but it's never a battle with the kids. Sometimes some of them say it's boring but it's never really been an issue. I only ask because in todays society, where kids are protected more and more, there's less and less we can legally do to enforce rules. You can't spank you kids. You can't put them in the corner for more minutes than their age or it's "abuse." You can't talk firmly to them in public because it's emotional abuse and ruins their self esteem....yada yada yada.

 

[TCat]

my huisband was not big on "church", he was brought up a Catholic and hated the fear factor of it all. When I began going to church I tried really hard not to preach to him about it. I did find some fun church activities that we could attend as a fmaily and then my husband go involved with the Handyman ministry.
He said that seeing a church that looked beyond it's doors and ministered to the world was intriging and got him intested. He now leads attends men's bible studies, leads a Sunday School class and goes on mission trips.
The thing I had to remember was that I am not my husband's Holy Spirit, and all I could do was respect him and invite him but not push, scold, nag or be disappointed that he would not step up like I wanted him to.

My backing off and surrendering my desires for my husband to the Lord allowed Him to work in my husband the way He desired.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You can't force her kids to go because they aren't yours. If you force them and they get mad, their mother could have to choose between them and you. Things could get dicey real fast. If your wife does not go the message it sends to your children is that church is optional. I think you should let your children choose if they want to go or not and subtly reward those who go with lunch after church or something like that.

 

[Dogbean]

You can't force her kids to go because they aren't yours. If you force them and they get mad, their mother could have to choose between them and you. Things could get dicey real fast. If your wife does not go the message it sends to your children is that church is optional. I think you should let your children choose if they want to go or not and subtly reward those who go with lunch after church or something like that.

I disagree with what I highlighted in blue. We made a mutual decision that it's 5 kids, not 3 of my kids and 2 of her kids. She pushes them all to go with me, and I push them to go with me, and there's never a real battle. If we split up authority over the kids like you say, that sends the message that certain parents have certain powers over certain kids, and that's bunk.