Wife won't go to church - need advice

[Dogbean]

I need advice. Let me explain the situation and then lay out the questions. I'll give plenty of background so you understand fully where I am coming from.

I've been a believer since 1989; I accepted Christ when I was 14 years old. I grew up in a Christian home and a PCUSA church, and my parents made me go to church. Even though I usually went along with it because I knew nothing else, I sometimes had no desire to go, but didn't want a fight with my parents so I went anyway. I'm glad I received that Biblical training as a kid, for it eventually led to my accepting Christ at the age of 14. Since then, I thirsted for God and rededicated my life to him in college, when I was first exposed to solid evangelical teaching.

I met a girl in college, also a solid believer. We got married after college and began a family. We were both solid believers, but sometimes I think her faith was a little more mature than mine. We were raising our kids in the church as well, and then she suddenly died, and I was alone with the three kids.

A few months later, I met a girl and fell in love, a bit sooner than expected, but everything seemed right, and her faith appeared to be compatible with mine. She said her grandfather was a baptist minister so she grew up with good Biblical training, yet she strayed away from it for reasons I am not sure of yet. Upon meeting me, she felt inspired to return to God and renew her faith, and expressed desire to go to church with me and raise our kids in a Christian, church-going home. Shortly after I met, one Sunday when I had to work (I'm in the military) she took our 5 kids to church without my help. That was awesome!

We've been married for just over two years now. In that time, I estimate she has been to church with me about 10 times at most. She has not gone with me in 4 months. In the time following our marriage, church has become a strained topic. She strongly feels that she does not have to go to show that she loves God. I repeatedly tell her that it's my wish we attend as a family, and share our faith together, read out of the Bible and pray together, etc. I know that salvation is not conditioned on church attendence. But every week I invite her to church with me and the kids, and she does not want to go most of the time. It usually turns into an ugly fight. She makes the kids go, but does not go herself. I think that's a bit hypocritical. However, on the rare occasions that she does go, she tells them that she's "trying to get back into it" and requests prayer to help her plug into the church family.

Lately, the arguments about going to church together have been unsuccessful, and last week she basically told me that she is not going anymore and that future attempts by me will be met with failure. She seems to not care at all about this deep desire of my heart that we go as a unified family. However she makes the kids pray before eating, and told them she desires that we read the Bible each night.

I have gotten very little information from her about why she does not want to go. She gets very hostile when I ask. What little info I got is that she's angry at God for her crappy youth. She doubts the authority of the Bible, and rejects the fact that Christianity is the correct religion. She rejects some of the truths in the Bible and takes basic Biblical teachings as "opinion." I cannot judge the heart, but sometimes she shows evidence she is saved, and sometimes she shows evidence she is not. When we get into an arguement, she does not even express concern about the eternal destiny of her soul.

Recommendations on how to proceed? It's pretty evident she won't go with me ever again, so I'm looking for a way to have peace with this decision. I'm tired of the fighting, and I'm tired of the hypocrisy. I'm tired of being sad at church every week, a time that should be quiet and meditative between me and my Lord. I'm tired of something that is supposed to be so happy being so sad and painful to me.

 

[samrobinhr]

Hi tacklebrother. I am just a newly wed. Pls Read I corinthian 7:13-17. It is your duty to save your wife. A unbelieving wife is saved by a husband who is a believer. A husband in christ has to pray for a unbelieving wife. Nothing can move the moutain except by your faith and prayer. The mountain that is before you (in the form of situation -your wife not going to church) shall be made into a plain(she accepts christ as saviour). There is a Spirit that works behind every evil thing. dont make any ugly fight with your beloved wife.Dont compel her or argue over her doubts regarding the truth of the bible, Instead rebuke the spirit that is working behind her in the name of Jesus. By your earnest prayer you can see this spirit leave your wife. She will come to church without your compulsion. This is Lords Doing. It is marvelous in our eyes. Seek help from your spirit filled pastors. Appoint a day to fast and pray. Even I m in a very wretched situation. I wholly depend on the grace and power of God.

so do msg me when your wife comes to church in the forthcoming days.
May Jesus Take control over your family.

 

[BeanMak]

Leave this to God. You will not change anything making a fight out of this. Pray for her and ask for God to work on her heart. Leave an open invitation to her to go to church with you and then YOU go with the kids and leave it at that. When I was growing up, my father never went to church except if we kids were in a program. It just how it was, we asked why he didn't go, but that had nothing to do with whether we went or not.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Leave this to God. You will not change anything making a fight out of this. Pray for her and ask for God to work on her heart. Leave an open invitation to her to go to church with you and then YOU go with the kids and leave it at that. When I was growing up, my father never went to church except if we kids were in a program. It just how it was, we asked why he didn't go, but that had nothing to do with whether we went or not.

Absolutely correct.

And contrary to what one above poster said, it is not your job to save your wife!! God does not put anyone else's salvation in our hands, only our own. That bible verse that he is talking about? Is talking about the children of an unequally yoked relationship, that poster has taken it completely out of context WOW. That verse? Is saying that if you have an unbelieving spouse, your children are still holy because the unbeliever is sanctified through the believer (and as a result the children of such a union are not unclean). It's talking about the children of an unequally yoked marriage, it has NOTHING to do with you saving your spouse. Nothing.

Also 1 Corinthians 7:16 it specifically asks "16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" -- it's not saying "Save your spouse" it's saying "You may NEVER save your spouse" and as a result (1 Cor 7:15) if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances.

So in conclusion, those verses say the following: Children are holy of an unequally yoked relationship, and if the unbeliever leaves you should let them because you have no way of knowing you can ever save them.

Good grief


Anyway: God cannot place individual salvation on the shoulders of anyone but the person in question, because He gave us each free will. To give us free will and then to say "It's your job to save x-person" is actually contrary to the very free will that he gave us, it actually makes no sense whatsoever.

What I do agree with: Pray, and never stop. But please don't fight with her. She has the freedom to make the choices she chooses just as you do, you have no right to infringe on that freedom. While it may hurt your heart that she has chosen this way to be, you must turn inward to God and figure out a way to accept that and move on, and let Him work on her in His own time.

I was once an atheist. If you push her, she will move further away, you can mark my word on that.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Be the change you want to see her have. That's my best advice. You go to church, and you ask them to pray, and you pray, and eventually, God willing, she will come around.

 

[bliz]

You've been trying to get her to go to church in your own strength. Ready to give up?

Make this a matter of prayer. God can change her heart, you cannot.

Model Christ for her. Don't make an issue of this. She may return to church, she may not, but church can stop being a battleground and wedge in the marriage and family, surly that is not pleasing to God.

 

[LJSGM]

Maybe She is right in that going to church every Sunday at 8:00 am is an unnessasary man made tradition, and perhaps she sees it as a worthless ritual.

In the beginning, they met in their homes, and fellowshiped together almost everyday, that's where the term "broke bread" and communion came from. Perhaps she would do much better in a house church instead, or perphaps in a different church that was more "real" to her.

Here's an informative book for you:

Houses that change the world, by wolfgang simson

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I need advice. Let me explain the situation and then lay out the questions. I'll give plenty of background so you understand fully where I am coming from.

I've been a believer since 1989; I accepted Christ when I was 14 years old. I grew up in a Christian home and a PCUSA church, and my parents made me go to church. Even though I usually went along with it because I knew nothing else, I sometimes had no desire to go, but didn't want a fight with my parents so I went anyway. I'm glad I received that Biblical training as a kid, for it eventually led to my accepting Christ at the age of 14. Since then, I thirsted for God and rededicated my life to him in college, when I was first exposed to solid evangelical teaching.

I met a girl in college, also a solid believer. We got married after college and began a family. We were both solid believers, but sometimes I think her faith was a little more mature than mine. We were raising our kids in the church as well, and then she suddenly died, and I was alone with the three kids.

A few months later, I met a girl and fell in love, a bit sooner than expected, but everything seemed right, and her faith appeared to be compatible with mine. She said her grandfather was a baptist minister so she grew up with good Biblical training, yet she strayed away from it for reasons I am not sure of yet. Upon meeting me, she felt inspired to return to God and renew her faith, and expressed desire to go to church with me and raise our kids in a Christian, church-going home. Shortly after I met, one Sunday when I had to work (I'm in the military) she took our 5 kids to church without my help. That was awesome!

We've been married for just over two years now. In that time, I estimate she has been to church with me about 10 times at most. She has not gone with me in 4 months. In the time following our marriage, church has become a strained topic. She strongly feels that she does not have to go to show that she loves God. I repeatedly tell her that it's my wish we attend as a family, and share our faith together, read out of the Bible and pray together, etc. I know that salvation is not conditioned on church attendence. But every week I invite her to church with me and the kids, and she does not want to go most of the time. It usually turns into an ugly fight. She makes the kids go, but does not go herself. I think that's a bit hypocritical. However, on the rare occasions that she does go, she tells them that she's "trying to get back into it" and requests prayer to help her plug into the church family.

Lately, the arguments about going to church together have been unsuccessful, and last week she basically told me that she is not going anymore and that future attempts by me will be met with failure. She seems to not care at all about this deep desire of my heart that we go as a unified family. However she makes the kids pray before eating, and told them she desires that we read the Bible each night.

I have gotten very little information from her about why she does not want to go. She gets very hostile when I ask. What little info I got is that she's angry at God for her crappy youth. She doubts the authority of the Bible, and rejects the fact that Christianity is the correct religion. She rejects some of the truths in the Bible and takes basic Biblical teachings as "opinion." I cannot judge the heart, but sometimes she shows evidence she is saved, and sometimes she shows evidence she is not. When we get into an arguement, she does not even express concern about the eternal destiny of her soul.

Recommendations on how to proceed? It's pretty evident she won't go with me ever again, so I'm looking for a way to have peace with this decision. I'm tired of the fighting, and I'm tired of the hypocrisy. I'm tired of being sad at church every week, a time that should be quiet and meditative between me and my Lord. I'm tired of something that is supposed to be so happy being so sad and painful to me.

Some people have been hurt or offended in their church experiences. Maybe she went to a legalistic, condemning, rigid or boring church. When I first met my husband he was a youth minister in a large church and we didn't know eachother long before we married but I thought I had myself a man of God. Not that I don't, but during that first year of marriage he had a lot of struggles from those in his church who made it difficult for him, instead of supporting him they gossiped about him and judged him and there was a lot of division going on. Anyways, when he finally quit his job he was so burnt from the experience that he became spiritually cold and didn't want to talk about his relationship with God, didn't want anything to do with church... he clammed up immediately if I brought anything spiritual up and at that time I pressured him and expressed my desires to be a spiritual couple and dissapointment in his lack of zeal for the lord. I didn't go to church myself and started to become distant as well for a year or two.

I think one of the turning points is when I decided to start going myself to church, but it was more then that, it was how going to the church changed me in a positive way, how I became more loving in our marriage.. and I'm sure it was even more, i'm sure it was God. But I also stopped putting pressure on him but when the opportunities arose I shared my own personal zeal with him about the things of the lord. He eventually decided he also wanted to go.

My only recommendations is not to nag her, definitely don't condemn her, it'll cause her to clam up more. Don't put down her faith and express doubts about her salvation.... these things are not effective. I think my biggest coping skill I had acquired in my marriage is learning how to leave my desires and dissapointments in God's hands.. especially where my husband is concerned.... I still have to do that. But I have learned that I cannot change or manipulate my husband, especially by putting him down because he's not doing things that I want to do.

I can understand your dissapointment but you need to trust God with this matter and not try to take it into your own hands. Maybe you can practice believing the best such as believing that God is working out his personal plan and salvation in her heart and life.. and when you become doubtful or begin to fret do what Philipians tells you to do and be anxious for nothing, but in everything pray, submit your request to God.. lay it down at his feet.. and when the worry happens to rise up again say "thank you God for hearing my prayer in the first place and although I don't see or know how, I trust that you are at work in this situation in your own way.

It sounds like maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought and maybe had an ideal in your head. It sounds like you had a good easy spiritual relationship with your first wife and would expect it to be just as easy with this one. The fact that she initiated taking the kids to church on her own and expressed her desire to get closer to God shows that the holy spirit was moving in her heart, but it does not mean that she's grounded or spiritually mature. Those things take time and this is a new challenge and domain for you to learn how to be patient and trust and love in all these things. It's your genuine love that will win her over, not your words. Take your dissapointments to the cross. I hope this helps you out!

HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Absolutely correct.

And contrary to what one above poster said, it is not your job to save your wife!! God does not put anyone else's salvation in our hands, only our own. That bible verse that he is talking about? Is talking about the children of an unequally yoked relationship, that poster has taken it completely out of context WOW. That verse? Is saying that if you have an unbelieving spouse, your children are still holy because the unbeliever is sanctified through the believer (and as a result the children of such a union are not unclean). It's talking about the children of an unequally yoked marriage, it has NOTHING to do with you saving your spouse. Nothing.

Also 1 Corinthians 7:16 it specifically asks "16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" -- it's not saying "Save your spouse" it's saying "You may NEVER save your spouse" and as a result (1 Cor 7:15) if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances.

So in conclusion, those verses say the following: Children are holy of an unequally yoked relationship, and if the unbeliever leaves you should let them because you have no way of knowing you can ever save them.

Good grief


Anyway: God cannot place individual salvation on the shoulders of anyone but the person in question, because He gave us each free will. To give us free will and then to say "It's your job to save x-person" is actually contrary to the very free will that he gave us, it actually makes no sense whatsoever.

What I do agree with: Pray, and never stop. But please don't fight with her. She has the freedom to make the choices she chooses just as you do, you have no right to infringe on that freedom. While it may hurt your heart that she has chosen this way to be, you must turn inward to God and figure out a way to accept that and move on, and let Him work on her in His own time.

I was once an atheist. If you push her, she will move further away, you can mark my word on that.

yes, as a matter of fact the word says that it is he who draws us to him, and we cannot come to him unless he draws us to him.

You cannot "save" your wife, but it sounds like she probably already is saved, that the holy spirit is working in her heart, but that she has issues or is in a place that is personal and that can only be touched by God. Remember, you are trying to be God in a way if you try to force or control her. All you can do is try to do your part and hope and prays that God will give her the grace to do hers. This is forebaring and a challenge, but well worth it. Plus, what else can you do? I believe God will be faithful to you two, I believe it will turn out beautifully. Try not to be resentful or spiteful with her, it IS your job to love her and care about her... your voice tones, general thoughts and attitudes will show and can only serve to push her away and turn her more cold then make it inviting for her to come close.

 

[Dogbean]

Be the change you want to see her have. That's my best advice. You go to church, and you ask them to pray, and you pray, and eventually, God willing, she will come around.

You've been trying to get her to go to church in your own strength. Ready to give up?

Make this a matter of prayer. God can change her heart, you cannot.

Model Christ for her. Don't make an issue of this. She may return to church, she may not, but church can stop being a battleground and wedge in the marriage and family, surly that is not pleasing to God.

Maybe She is right in that going to church every Sunday at 8:00 am is an unnessasary man made tradition, and perhaps she sees it as a worthless ritual.

In the beginning, they met in their homes, and fellowshiped together almost everyday, that's where the term "broke bread" and communion came from. Perhaps she would do much better in a house church instead, or perphaps in a different church that was more "real" to her.

Here's an informative book for you:

Houses that change the world, by wolfgang simson

Don't pick a fight. When she's ready, she'll go back. By arguing, you're only making yourself miserable, your marriage more strained, and her more resistant to the idea of going back. Respect her wishes to not go, just like she respects and doesn't attack your desire to go.

Leave this to God. You will not change anything making a fight out of this. Pray for her and ask for God to work on her heart. Leave an open invitation to her to go to church with you and then YOU go with the kids and leave it at that. When I was growing up, my father never went to church except if we kids were in a program. It just how it was, we asked why he didn't go, but that had nothing to do with whether we went or not.

I have tried for a time. It failed. I am afraid it let her think that she won, and she let her guard down. All she does is sleep when I go. Sometimes I think she uses that as a chance to get a quiet house for a while, to stick all the kids on me and get us out of the house just so she could sleep. But she insists this is not the case. This is extremely frustrating. It is a helpless feeling that makes me think I have failed. It would be easier to take if she read the Word at home, but she does not. She doesn't even touch it. And she is such an angry person sometimes I don't see much evidence of salvation in her much of the time. Any new advice given this new information?

 

[Dogbean]

yes, as a matter of fact the word says that it is he who draws us to him, and we cannot come to him unless he draws us to him.

You cannot "save" your wife, but it sounds like she probably already is saved, that the holy spirit is working in her heart, but that she has issues or is in a place that is personal and that can only be touched by God. Remember, you are trying to be God in a way if you try to force or control her. All you can do is try to do your part and hope and prays that God will give her the grace to do hers. This is forebaring and a challenge, but well worth it. Plus, what else can you do? I believe God will be faithful to you two, I believe it will turn out beautifully. Try not to be resentful or spiteful with her, it IS your job to love her and care about her... your voice tones, general thoughts and attitudes will show and can only serve to push her away and turn her more cold then make it inviting for her to come close.

Don't be resentful or spiteful? I wasn't. But she is sometimes. When she gets mad enough, she tells me to go to hell, and tells me that I am not going to heaven and that basic Biblical teachings are my opinion only. She curses sometimes, and says GD. Do those sound like the fruit of someone who is "saved?" And you are right; I cannot save anyone. It is God who saves. Not even us; "no one can come to the Father unless the Father draws him."

What makes me so mad is her lack of respect or compassion for my feelings and wishes. All I am asking her to do is come with me and let God speak to her there. Just to come with us as a unified family, to be a good example for the kids. But she has so little respect for what I want. She'd rather have this huge fight about it and make me hurt and sad and mad than give in and lift my spirits so high by going. What do you think? I'm asking everyone.

 

[Dogbean]

Some people have been hurt or offended in their church experiences. Maybe she went to a legalistic, condemning, rigid or boring church. When I first met my husband he was a youth minister in a large church and we didn't know eachother long before we married but I thought I had myself a man of God. Not that I don't, but during that first year of marriage he had a lot of struggles from those in his church who made it difficult for him, instead of supporting him they gossiped about him and judged him and there was a lot of division going on. Anyways, when he finally quit his job he was so burnt from the experience that he became spiritually cold and didn't want to talk about his relationship with God, didn't want anything to do with church... he clammed up immediately if I brought anything spiritual up and at that time I pressured him and expressed my desires to be a spiritual couple and dissapointment in his lack of zeal for the lord. I didn't go to church myself and started to become distant as well for a year or two.

I think one of the turning points is when I decided to start going myself to church, but it was more then that, it was how going to the church changed me in a positive way, how I became more loving in our marriage.. and I'm sure it was even more, i'm sure it was God. But I also stopped putting pressure on him but when the opportunities arose I shared my own personal zeal with him about the things of the lord. He eventually decided he also wanted to go.

My only recommendations is not to nag her, definitely don't condemn her, it'll cause her to clam up more. Don't put down her faith and express doubts about her salvation.... these things are not effective. I think my biggest coping skill I had acquired in my marriage is learning how to leave my desires and dissapointments in God's hands.. especially where my husband is concerned.... I still have to do that. But I have learned that I cannot change or manipulate my husband, especially by putting him down because he's not doing things that I want to do.

I can understand your dissapointment but you need to trust God with this matter and not try to take it into your own hands. Maybe you can practice believing the best such as believing that God is working out his personal plan and salvation in her heart and life.. and when you become doubtful or begin to fret do what Philipians tells you to do and be anxious for nothing, but in everything pray, submit your request to God.. lay it down at his feet.. and when the worry happens to rise up again say "thank you God for hearing my prayer in the first place and although I don't see or know how, I trust that you are at work in this situation in your own way.

It sounds like maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought and maybe had an ideal in your head. It sounds like you had a good easy spiritual relationship with your first wife and would expect it to be just as easy with this one. The fact that she initiated taking the kids to church on her own and expressed her desire to get closer to God shows that the holy spirit was moving in her heart, but it does not mean that she's grounded or spiritually mature. Those things take time and this is a new challenge and domain for you to learn how to be patient and trust and love in all these things. It's your genuine love that will win her over, not your words. Take your dissapointments to the cross. I hope this helps you out!

HB

Well written. It's just so hard though. I don't know if she is saved or not. Sometimes she shows fruit, sometimes she does not. Sometimes she is so angry and hostile. The things she says are so hurtful....spiteful stuff, taking the Lord's name in vain, expressing doubts about the validity of the Bible, etc. And she does not touch the Bible at home. This whole thing would be easier to take if I saw a desire to get to know God but I don't. You have to let God speak to you through the Bible but she has no interest in that. If I ask to read it to her she treats it like a chore, like something to suffer through just go get me to be quiet about it. That is not someone who is desiring God. This really sucks. I never imagined myself in this position. I love her, but I miss the spiritual peace I had with my first wife. I can't wait to see her again in heaven.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Don't be resentful or spiteful? I wasn't. But she is sometimes. When she gets mad enough, she tells me to go to hell, and tells me that I am not going to heaven and that basic Biblical teachings are my opinion only. She curses sometimes, and says GD. Do those sound like the fruit of someone who is "saved?" And you are right; I cannot save anyone. It is God who saves. Not even us; "no one can come to the Father unless the Father draws him."

What makes me so mad is her lack of respect or compassion for my feelings and wishes. All I am asking her to do is come with me and let God speak to her there. Just to come with us as a unified family, to be a good example for the kids. But she has so little respect for what I want. She'd rather have this huge fight about it and make me hurt and sad and mad than give in and lift my spirits so high by going. What do you think? I'm asking everyone.

to answer your first question honestly I don't think that you can judge someone's salvation by what they say or how they act. If there was absolutely no evidence of salvation, if she were all bad and had no conscience, then I'd start to wonder or worry.... but sometimes people, I should say christian church going people get so caught up in outer appearances, caring about what they say and what others say that well, it's just fake and man made... know what I mean? My feathers get a little ruffled when I hear Christians make ignorant comments like that "well, I don't know if that person is christian (shock, cover the mouth)... did you hear what they said, and they smoke" You see, no one's perfect, and those that focus on outward appearances try to be, but truth is they are no better then any other, they are just blessed that they have received God... that's what our boast should be, that we are saved... not that we are worthy...

Anyways, I'm just getting preachy, this post is not meant as an offense to you just me being open with my thoughts on the subject in general. I agree with your wife though, it isn't necessary to go to church to show that you love God, and our relationships with God are personal.

I understand your main complaint though being how it's a common complaint of my own, I often say to my husband "I just want you to care... about what it important to me... that'd show me you love me"...

Maybe you can try to focus on the common grounds you do have in faith when chatting with her about spirituality and try to purposefuly avoid those topics that could be threatening or where there are continual conflicts. Sometimes it's best just to change the subject.

HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I have tried for a time. It failed. I am afraid it let her think that she won, and she let her guard down. All she does is sleep when I go. Sometimes I think she uses that as a chance to get a quiet house for a while, to stick all the kids on me and get us out of the house just so she could sleep. But she insists this is not the case. This is extremely frustrating. It is a helpless feeling that makes me think I have failed. It would be easier to take if she read the Word at home, but she does not. She doesn't even touch it. And she is such an angry person sometimes I don't see much evidence of salvation in her much of the time. Any new advice given this new information?

When someone is angry there is often a root.... anger is what we call in psych a "secondary emotion".... usually the root is fear, or hurt, insecurity, feeling abandoned or ashamed. Maybe you could suggest counseling to give her a chance to talk about her feelings and really get to the root of the problem. But anger does not reflect a lack of salvation... but it does mean that she could use a dose of Jesus... but what kind of Jesus? How does she see religion? Does she see him as someone judgement that expects everyone to be saintly while there is real life pain, does she know that he cares for her? Even if she doesn't it doesn't mean that she needs to be "saved" if she's already saved, it means that she needs to be loved, she needs a very large amount of it and a mind renewal with a changing of beliefs. I hope this perspective helps.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Well written. It's just so hard though. I don't know if she is saved or not. Sometimes she shows fruit, sometimes she does not. Sometimes she is so angry and hostile. The things she says are so hurtful....spiteful stuff, taking the Lord's name in vain, expressing doubts about the validity of the Bible, etc. And she does not touch the Bible at home. This whole thing would be easier to take if I saw a desire to get to know God but I don't. You have to let God speak to you through the Bible but she has no interest in that. If I ask to read it to her she treats it like a chore, like something to suffer through just go get me to be quiet about it. That is not someone who is desiring God. This really sucks. I never imagined myself in this position. I love her, but I miss the spiritual peace I had with my first wife. I can't wait to see her again in heaven.

God can speak to her in other ways as well... it's God's grace that will give her the desire to open the word, don't limit in your mind her ability to receive from God only through scripture, in this situation you need to trust God to do it his way so that you don't get discouraged when it's not happening the way you think it ought to.

Truth is I'm speaking from A LOT of personal experience... that with trusting God to move in my husband, in my marriage...

And because I am also an angry, mean and cold person sometimes who can say very angry and mean things. I have grown out out a lot of that... but I will say that the some of the worst things for my growth were when "christians" came into my life and judged me but didn't understand me when I was in pain..

I have learned some of my own deeper needs and I have learned more positive and vulnerable ways of expressing those needs... some people just know how to vent in anger... I still do that, it's safer and easier, it says to my husband "I don't need you, you can't hurt me.." but to him it's just unloving and sometimes abusive.... it's a fear of vulnerability.

HB

 

[James 1:27]

I'm just wondering if your current wife is comparing herself to your first wife and the spiritual relationship you had with her. Maybe, for whatever reasons, she cannot meet your spiritual needs at this point and feels angry and resentful because of it. Sometimes we have trouble expressing ourselves and end up allowing that root of bitterness to grow.

A good Christian counselor for you, her and both of you may help you to both express your feelings in a safe environment. And just as the others have said, pray unceasingly. Love her right where she is without any expectation and give it to God.

A lot of us have been in a similar place as you are and can testify to God's faithfulness and his desire to make your marriage whole. Don't give up!!!

 

[Dogbean]

I'm just wondering if your current wife is comparing herself to your first wife and the spiritual relationship you had with her. Maybe, for whatever reasons, she cannot meet your spiritual needs at this point and feels angry and resentful because of it. Sometimes we have trouble expressing ourselves and end up allowing that root of bitterness to grow.

A good Christian counselor for you, her and both of you may help you to both express your feelings in a safe environment. And just as the others have said, pray unceasingly. Love her right where she is without any expectation and give it to God.

A lot of us have been in a similar place as you are and can testify to God's faithfulness and his desire to make your marriage whole. Don't give up!!!

Occasionally she compares herself, but I never expected her to be the same as my first wife. That I can accept. She won't go to a counsellor. She does not even like to talk about God or personal faith matters with me. It just sucks, that something that is the most dear to me, I can't even talk about with my own wife. She wants nothing to do with it. She keeps all her anger about it bottled up and won't open up to me. And it's like she built this wall and won't let God in. She won't open the Word, won't go hear a pastor, won't go to a Christian counselor, won't let me read to her, won't talk to me about it. I just don't get it. Sometimes it seems prayer is fruitless.

 

[Dogbean]

Thanks Tropical. Didn't mean to make it sound I'm resentful for having to take them. I will admit I have a touch of resentment, but its because she's getting her way, and making me so miserable about it. And it's that she's telling the kids to go while staying home herself. I think that is hypocritical. And I'm not much for the male being the all powerful leader in the family, but If I wish teh whole family goes together, I don't think that is unreasonable; I think it's reasonable that she respects my wish, but apparently that is not everyone else's opinion. I can back down and give her space but I'm still going to hurt, and I'm still going to be sad, and maybe even a little angry and resentful. How do I find peace in my failure?

 

[BeanMak]

I can back down and give her space but I'm still going to hurt, and I'm still going to be sad, and maybe even a little angry and resentful. How do I find peace in my failure?

You can take this as an opportunity to serve your wife. You can turn this around by realizing this is a sacrifice of self that you are making to help with the happiness of the person who means the most in the world to you.

Use this opportunity to learn the lesson of patience- God's timing may not be ours. If you have prayed about this for a month, maybe it needs a year. You can work on your own spiritual plank.

Ok, you aren't the one who gets to be happy over this compromise, but I bet there will be other times that you will "get your way" and she will make a compromise that won't leave her 100% happy either.

 

[LJSGM]

To be honest, when I read this thread, I feel sorry for your wife.

It sounds as if you have built an idol around going to church.

Here's a couple of verses for you that you should ponder over.

Perhaps your wife is resentful towards your religious spirit.

Galatians 3

1You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. 2I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? 3Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? 4Have you suffered so much for nothing—if it really was for nothing? 5Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?

Galatians 5
"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."

"The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself.""

26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Colossians 2:16
Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day.

Hebrews 4

1Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.[a] 3Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said,
"So I declared on oath in my anger,
'They shall never enter my rest.' "[b] And yet his work has been finished since the creation of the world. 4For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words: "And on the seventh day God rested from all his work."[c] 5And again in the passage above he says, "They shall never enter my rest."
6It still remains that some will enter that rest, and those who formerly had the gospel preached to them did not go in, because of their disobedience.