Why does this happen....

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I really need your prayers today.

As most of you know, on Friday I have my big test and it's been very stressful for the past few weeks preparing for it. There is only one other person taking the test this semester besides me, so since two of our classes were the same, we decided studying together would be beneficial. I should mention it's a guy. I have always had very strong boundaries and insisted we always met at the school library (a public place) so that there would be no wrong impressions and such. I have also always mentioned to my husband that we would be studying at the library so if he felt uncomfortable about it, he could tell me, which I would have no problem with.

The classmate gave me his phone number so I could text him once I reached the library (obviously it's a big library) and we could meet up. Well, that was a mistake. For the past two days he has been texting me non-stop, and even called me last night.

Now, here is where I made the mistake. I responded to the text messages and even took the call because he had spoken to our professor to clear up some questions, and I wanted to know what our professor said. In the back of my mind I felt it was totally inappropriate, not because I think it's wrong to have friends of the opposite sex or anything, but it was like just some warning signal went off in my head that this was crossing the boundary and I needed to watch myself. However, my fear surrounding this test and wanting to talk to someone who seems to have a lot of knowledge about the test, well, I ignored those feelings. This classmate kept trying to talk to me about how unhappy he is with his wife, his job, his dad, etc. and I just felt it's not appropriate to talk about those things with someone other than your spouse, so I ended the conversation.

After I got off the phone with him I just felt terribly guilty and talked to my husband about it. My husband said he was uncomfortable with the situation but knew that I needed to talk to this guy out of need for information. I feel horrible that I made my husband feel uncomfortable. I went against my better judgment. I shouldn't have responded to any of his text messages, or even taken a call. It's not like I ever talked to him about anything other than school, but I NEVER EVER want to give my husband a reason not to trust me, or feel uncomfortable, or feel like I am not being faithful.

My husband forgave me and this morning seems to have moved on. I am having trouble forgiving myself and letting go of it - obsessing about it. I try to tell myself, I made a mistake in judgement, and now I know better (I think a part of me is naive and thinks everyone has good intentions).

I am having a really hard time with the guilt. Logically I know I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I did something really bad. I love my husband soooo much and this guilt and doubt is tearing me up inside. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking I did something terrible and my husband is going to leave me now.

I'm afraid that my husband THINKS I did something wrong, or that he doesn't trust me. He has been sooo incredibly awesome during this time when I've been studying and I just feel so terribly guilty. I KNOW this is OCD at work and yet this is really taking me for a loop!

 

[forgiveable]

Hello!
Let me just say I 've been in a similar situation,
However, it does seem to be compounded by OCD. First I hope you do an excellent job at taking the test an coming through with flying colors.
Second, I think you did the right thing in telling your husband about all that was going on , you obviously felt uncomfortable with the situation and call it a womans intuition or even God's way of letting you know that it wasn't appropriate to continue in something that was giving you guilt.
( My husband forgave me and this morning seems to have moved on. I am having trouble forgiving myself and letting go of it - obsessing about it. I try to tell myself, I made a mistake in judgement, and now I know better (I think a part of me is naive and thinks everyone has good intentions).
Can you make further steps to ensure that this guy no longer texts you or calls you?
(This classmate kept trying to talk to me about how unhappy he is with his wife, his job, his dad, etc. and I just felt it's not appropriate to talk about those things with someone other than your spouse, so I ended the conversation.)
I think you were correct in your thinking here and that conversation may be a big part of the guilt just because it was inappropriate for him to go into details about his wife.
I was thinking you might want to forgive the guy for making you feel guilty. That doesn't mean you have to say that to him in person. Just let God know that you forgive the guy. That might release some guilt. Above all forgive yourself. The signs were all there and you followed through very well and took the appropriate steps to ensure that it did not go any furhter, It sounds like you have a smart head on your shoulders. For the future tests or studying maybe ask your hubby to help. That could make an interesting date night

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Thank you so much for that reply! I realized something today, if I hadn't overreacted (like I always do with OCD), it wouldn't have been that big of a deal when I told my husband. But I felt extremely guilty and I realized that it probably came off as a bigger deal than it really was. I think it was appropriate to feel guilt, like you said, women's intuition or God nudging on my heart that this was not right. But the OCD turned it into being completely terrified of my husband thinking something was up, and that he would leave me. Feeling like I committed a terrible crime when in reality my boundaries were just being tested. It's like confessing to a crime I didn't commit, but all of the guilt and anxiety were there.

I did delete his number from my cell phone. He has my school email address but that's the only other way he can contact me.

Of course my OCD is wreaking havoc and I get spikes like "what if I like that he texted me?" and "what if I lose control and act inappropriately?" FREAKS me out. I would never do something like that. Totally bogus, but it's annoying me and causes anxiety. I don't even know why I'm THAT surprised that my OCD does this, but this is a new one and being stressed about the test, it seems to have unnerved me a bit.

 

[forgiveable]

I bet your husband hasn't thought as much about it as you have seeing that you were so distressed over it. Sounds like your hubby is a good guy and wow you just went through another trial unscathed. LOL I am glad that you deleted his number and don't worry about the what if's just think " God will give me what to say, if there is another time that this comes up" Keep that in your thinking and train your mind to stay on that..
Phillipians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Yeah, I pretty much just say "ditto" to what Forgiveable has said here. You need to forgive yourself. I also believe just like you do, in setting boudaries in marriage and with opposite sex friends, but as you realized, it is the OCD that let's the guilt over this get out of proportion. You probably learned from this experience. Just forgive yourself, and take that knowledge and move on. These things can come up and sometimes we do ignore those little "checks" or "hints" we're getting from the Lord about it... or as you say "our better judgment." But again, forgive yourself and do better if the situation ever occurs in the future!

Some people wouldn't even have had the good sense and discernment to realize that boundaries had even been crossed! Congratulate yourself at least on recognizing this. I'm quite serious. Some people would not.

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Sad...so sorry this has happened to you in an already stressful week! Is there any chance the stress you're under could be causing you more worry about this incident than it warrants? It seems to me, though I may be way of track here, that you DID heed the warning signs and took appropriate action. It could have been very hard to just ignore his call but when you realised where the conversation was going you called it to a halt...that in itself takes some doing! Sometimes I think us OCDers can have such an inflamed concsience that even when we take an appropriate path we can suffer undue anxiety and guilt over whether or not we've done things 110% perfectly and how God would want us to act. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe you shouldn't have taken the text/calls further but it seems to me that you got a warning, you acted in a manner that would a. not cause offence and b. would help you with your exams and on realising that this guy was leading the conversation down a route that was unhealthy you cut things short.

I really hope and pray you can put this behind you as you try and concentrate on your studying...who knows, maybe this was satan's way of trying to make things harder for you...I pray that WON'T happen!

Hope I haven't said anything wrong or out of turn...hugs and best wishes...take care and hope you get a really good nights sleep tonight and over the weekend...have prayed and will pray for you...Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi everyone, thanks for the encouragement. Rachel I agree that even when we do something right, we can still worry and obsess over it. It seems like we OCDers have an over-active guilt complex and we feel guilty even when we haven't done something wrong. Like I said in a previous post, OCD makes you feel like you've committed some horrible crime when in fact you didn't do anything at all.

I also realized something else. I REALLY overreacted when I told my husband about it the other night. I was crying and again it seemed like I was confessing something bad when I really wasn't. My poor hubby might have gotten the impression something was up when it was really my OCD at work. I think my boundaries were tested and I felt uncomfortable, for sure, but OCD took that uncomfortableness a step further and turned it into a "guilty conviction" that I had done something horrible. It is more proof of my faulty thinking, because I had felt like I had CHEATED on my husband when I had done nothing even close to it. I was even skulking around the house like a guilty person. OCD had tried and convicted me of doing something horrible! And then the other fears started rolling in...

Anyway, I am back on top today, feeling more in control. There are a few things I realized last night. One, if I have any ounce of fear of OCD coming back, it's going to find a way back in. For all the progress I have made, I'm still afraid of OCD. I have been through the torturous times when I couldn't even get out of bed, and thought that death would be better than obsessing all the time about something so horrible. At least I wouldn't be obsessing! I always have a fear of it coming back, and that was driving a lot of my anxiety yesterday.... what if I became obsessed with this, what if I don't get over it, what if this is worse than last time, etc. My fear with OCD is always that it will force me to do something I don't really want to do, i.e. lose control.

I have to stop being afraid of OCD. I haven't ever acted on anything OCD has told me to do, so why would it be any different now? As always, *I* am in control of my choices.

Secondly, I still have a lot of work to do in the scruplosity/hyper-responsibility area. I have always considered this my "secondary OCD" but I'm realizing that it might be on the same par as my "primary obsessions." I feel as this though describes me to a T:

Those with Responsibility OCD are fighting the "double-barreled" threat of anxiety and guilt. For the purposes of this discussion, guilt is itself defined as a two-part thought process: 1) "I did something I shouldn't have done" or which "I should have known better than to do," and 2) "The fact that I did this makes me a 'bad' person."

I think that setbacks provide the greatest opportunity for growth sometimes. Every time I have a setback I learn a little bit more!

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Sad...I am so pleased that your rational side has enabled you to get some understanding and peace regarding what happened in this situation! I think you have real wisdom in regard to dealing with OCD and I'm glad that wisdom helps you as well as others. Take care, Rachel