Struggling with scrupulosity

[romansroad]

Hello brothers and sisters. I have followed Christ for many years I have struggled with OCD since I was a young teen. At first it was having to say things a certain amount of times for it to feel right. That abated and it did not rear its ugly head it I was 35. Sitt at home with my wife, all of a sudden, I started having blasph thoughts about the Holy Spirit. It scared me to death. We didny know what was going on and didn’t go to the hospital For an evaluation. After about a yea, I agreed to go into an inpatient psychiatric hospital. at that point, they didn’t really know what was going on and treated me for simple anxiety. The medication helped and was able come off a lot of it after a while. At the beginning of this year it returned exce on steroids this time. I have never had these kinds of thoughts in my entire life. Along with it was an urge or an anger or hate towards God. I don’t understand any of this even though I have known about scrupulosity for a while now. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings but at times it feels as if I am an apostate or have committed the unpardonable sin. I feel lost, God doesn’t talk to me anymore. I can’t read the Bible without having the worst thought. I am on prozac an one other medication. It slows the thoughts do but it makes you not care about anything. I feel like someone has switched my brain with an unbeliever . I feel hopeless. It’s been 11 months and my faith is waning. The thoughts may have slowed but these urges are just not going away. I know John Bunyan had issues like this. I know that scrupulosity can flip your beliefs and make you question everything I am in counseling but they are having me try to do things that are scary. Only God knows about my soul but I want God to heal me and restore my soul. I believe in miracles as I have witnessed them before. I grew up in a very strict denomination which really was more about works than faith. Couple that with a an austere father I really hated as a teenager. i feel I have viewed God like my earthly father and tried to perform to get his approval through good grades and athletic performance. I refuse to give up though. I covet your prayers.

 

[Mari17]

Hello brothers and sisters. I have followed Christ for many years I have struggled with OCD since I was a young teen. At first it was having to say things a certain amount of times for it to feel right. That abated and it did not rear its ugly head it I was 35. Sitt at home with my wife, all of a sudden, I started having blasph thoughts about the Holy Spirit. It scared me to death. We didny know what was going on and didn’t go to the hospital For an evaluation. After about a yea, I agreed to go into an inpatient psychiatric hospital. at that point, they didn’t really know what was going on and treated me for simple anxiety. The medication helped and was able come off a lot of it after a while. At the beginning of this year it returned exce on steroids this time. I have never had these kinds of thoughts in my entire life. Along with it was an urge or an anger or hate towards God. I don’t understand any of this even though I have known about scrupulosity for a while now. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings but at times it feels as if I am an apostate or have committed the unpardonable sin. I feel lost, God doesn’t talk to me anymore. I can’t read the Bible without having the worst thought. I am on prozac an one other medication. It slows the thoughts do but it makes you not care about anything. I feel like someone has switched my brain with an unbeliever . I feel hopeless. It’s been 11 months and my faith is waning. The thoughts may have slowed but these urges are just not going away. I know John Bunyan had issues like this. I know that scrupulosity can flip your beliefs and make you question everything I am in counseling but they are having me try to do things that are scary. Only God knows about my soul but I want God to heal me and restore my soul. I believe in miracles as I have witnessed them before. I grew up in a very strict denomination which really was more about works than faith. Couple that with a an austere father I really hated as a teenager. i feel I have viewed God like my earthly father and tried to perform to get his approval through good grades and athletic performance. I refuse to give up though. I covet your prayers.

Thank you for sharing! I have scrupulosity as well. Fear of blasphemy is a very common obsession for Christians with religious OCD. I have found the blog articles at Scrupulosity.com to be very helpful. There are articles about committing the unpardonable sin on there, so you might find that useful. I am also part of the group coaching program on that website, and have found that to be helpful and encouraging as well.