Numb , Tired and confused

[tinysheeps]

I feel like i’m apathetic and truly confused , all my thoughts are truly blasphemy and prideful and just awful , , hateful violent thoughts Towards the Lord , but it’s gotten to the point where i’m not sure if i’m i’ve gotten numb to it( use to feel physically anixous ) and even experienced derealization , In the past seasons I felt like always had a true desire and true love and good understanding of God’s word , but now I just have these thoughts nonstop and I truly can’t tell that they aren’t my thoughts or if i’m intentionally making them and I have tried praying constantly but sometimes I feel like being entitled and prideful and a lot of times o can’t even tell if my prayers are sincere or my tears honestly , but I don’t get it , I have head knowledge that I want a genuine relationship with Jesus , but everything in my thoughts is sooo against him and it makes me question him when I try to read the word . And when my thoughts are quiet I wonder if I really am too far , part of me wants to have a belief that God wouldn’t wake me up for no reason , but i’m also struggling like if i’m praying for God to deliver me , confessing that i’m lacking in faith , trust , believe , pride , ungratefullness and love that maybe he won’t answer that because of the prideful and the blasphemous and hateful thoughts and the ungratefullnes and I try to hope for hope but it seems like I don’t have heart knowledge or like something won’t fully allow me to understand and accept and fully understand God and his love right now , plus have so many big why questions about God that I truly want to let go but it feels like I can’t . Also sometimes when the thoughts go away it feels like my wonders back to the bad thoughts . I still try to read the psalms and pray even when my thoughts are fighting me ,and I know it’s not pointless but mentally it feels that way , like i’m trapped here stuck

 

[Larniavc]

It sounds like you are describing ‘ego dystonic intrusive thoughts’. Do you also have a need for order, symmetry and feel compelled to perform checking behaviours (light switches, locking doors etc)?

 

[tinysheeps]

It sounds like you are describing ‘ego dystonic intrusive thoughts’. Do you also have a need for order, symmetry and feel compelled to perform checking behaviours (light switches, locking doors etc)?

I would say more so mental checking , to see if the thoughts are still there my emotions , and i’ve needed to re wipe gym equipment if i’ve touched it after wiping ( not as consistent)

 

[Larniavc]

I would say more so mental checking , to see if the thoughts are still there my emotions , and i’ve needed to re wipe gym equipment if i’ve touched it after wiping ( not as consistent)

Sounds like a case of OCD. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy does wonders for it. Get your physician to refer you for some treatment and you’ll be heading in the right direction

I know it works because that’s what I do for a living (more supervising the next generation of therapists these days but you get my point).

 

[Mari17]

I feel like i’m apathetic and truly confused , all my thoughts are truly blasphemy and prideful and just awful , , hateful violent thoughts Towards the Lord , but it’s gotten to the point where i’m not sure if i’m i’ve gotten numb to it( use to feel physically anixous ) and even experienced derealization , In the past seasons I felt like always had a true desire and true love and good understanding of God’s word , but now I just have these thoughts nonstop and I truly can’t tell that they aren’t my thoughts or if i’m intentionally making them and I have tried praying constantly but sometimes I feel like being entitled and prideful and a lot of times o can’t even tell if my prayers are sincere or my tears honestly , but I don’t get it , I have head knowledge that I want a genuine relationship with Jesus , but everything in my thoughts is sooo against him and it makes me question him when I try to read the word . And when my thoughts are quiet I wonder if I really am too far , part of me wants to have a belief that God wouldn’t wake me up for no reason , but i’m also struggling like if i’m praying for God to deliver me , confessing that i’m lacking in faith , trust , believe , pride , ungratefullness and love that maybe he won’t answer that because of the prideful and the blasphemous and hateful thoughts and the ungratefullnes and I try to hope for hope but it seems like I don’t have heart knowledge or like something won’t fully allow me to understand and accept and fully understand God and his love right now , plus have so many big why questions about God that I truly want to let go but it feels like I can’t . Also sometimes when the thoughts go away it feels like my wonders back to the bad thoughts . I still try to read the psalms and pray even when my thoughts are fighting me ,and I know it’s not pointless but mentally it feels that way , like i’m trapped here stuck

I'm so sorry that you're struggling. OCD can be really hard to deal with, but it is treatable. Here is an article you might find helpful! Dealing with Unwanted Thoughts: A Christian Approach - Scrupulosity.com There are lots more on that site. Also, check out the Mark DeJesus YouTube channel. He has lots of videos about religious OCD.