The Gift of Tenderness

[Mark Dohle]

The Gift of Tenderness

God has gifted the feminine heart with a unique ability to manifest His tenderness. Men often learn this gift through women. When mothers lose their tenderness, it can create deep wounds in their husbands and children, leaving the home cold and sterile.
(The Love Crucified Community, The Simple Path to Union with God, p. 281)

Women have played an important role in my life. As a man, it has taken me many years to feel free enough to show tenderness to others. In my youth, I was mostly a loner. I had few friends and often kept to myself. While I spent time with men who shared my interests, those relationships rarely lasted.

In high school, I felt close to two classmates—one male and one female. After graduation, I missed them deeply and was grateful when we reconnected. My brothers, David and Robert, seemed able to form friendships more easily than I could. I didn’t feel the need for many friends, but I now realize that I often came across as abrasive without meaning to. I lacked the skills and empathy needed for deeper connections.

Isolation marked much of my life, yet my faith and relationship with Jesus kept me grounded. I responded when others reached out, but rarely felt genuine emotion in return. Even today, I struggle against isolation. Still, it has always been women who taught me tenderness, friendship, and thoughtfulness. I fail often, but I hope that by the time I reach 80, my heart will be more human—less like stone. Vulnerability is hard.

My heart surgery changed me in ways I cannot fully explain, but I am grateful. Being helpless and unable to walk taught me what it means to be cared for. It was a hard lesson, filled with fear and some depression. I was so out of touch with myself that my doctor, Dr. Manning, had to tell me what was happening. He explained that men often don’t recognize depression, while women do—perhaps because women cry more easily. I believed him and accepted medication, which helped.

Through all of this, the Lord has patiently worked with me, softening my heart over decades. I served in our infirmary for about 30 years, knowing it was important for me. Even then, it took time for my “caring” to become true compassion. I realized that my inner coldness was a shield against others’ pain. Slowly, I learned to let that pain—and love—in. Women seem to have this gift naturally, and some men do too, though I believe they are the minority.

Prayer opens the heart to God’s touch. For me, Jesus is God revealed as love, working in every soul to grow in love and forgiveness. God alone knows the depths of the heart. A man or woman who loves and shows compassion is being led by the Holy Spirit, for the more we love, the closer we draw to God. We are saved by grace, not by works, yet a tree is known by its fruit. To love God is to love those we meet along life’s road. We are all pilgrims.

—Br. MD