Why does one spouse get fat?

[sdmsanjose]

Quote by MsDahl
“Your response to me leads me to think that there are different issues at play here than your wife merely gaining weight.”

After reading the above post and your posts I now think that observation may be important. In reading your last several posts you have stated about your wife "…she is such a good person" and "I have a lot of respect for her”

That got me to thinking this.

If your only problem with your wife is that she gained 30 pounds, after being the ideal weight, then I do think you need to take a look at yourself. Frankly to me it now seems you are making a little too much out of her 30 pound weight gain.

You and your wife have a “wonderful relationship” except that she has gained 30 pounds from her ideal weight. You have also stated that “…I am awkward and uncomfortable when she is around…” You are also afraid to be honest with her about your feeling.

I am glad that you seem to get some relief from this forum but I really think that you should supplement your interest in your situation with some professional counseling.

I have had counseling in the past and I found some of it to be very helpful.

 

[jimtem]

If indeed the ONLY issue that is contributing to you not feeling as attracted to your wife is her weight, then YOU are being dreadfully unfair to her by not sharing that. You say that you don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings; however, do you not think she has noticed a difference in your level of "touch feely"? IMO, you need to talk to your wife about this - just be very clear that your FEELINGS for her have not altered, it is just a matter of the physical. It's not a secret I would want my husband to keep - much as if I had cut my hair to a length he found unappealing, I would expect that he would lovingly tell me he preferred it in another style.

If there is another problem then I am unaware of it and I am sure she notices the differences between u. She is surely thinking of many probable reasons for the difference. To say that I am being unfair is a mistake,,,, neglectful would more adequately describe the situation. I just couldn’t imagine sitting down with her and explaining that, “I was attracted to you in the first year of our marriage and the 3 year but for the other years you have carried around an extra 30 pounds I feel as if I am in a marriage with a friend and not a wife because I am not attracted to you when you are heavy”. It just sounds mean, petty and shallow. I hate to go into more details about this…. She is going to find these last few posts and get terribly upset. From what I can tell most people get use to it over time. We have been married for 8 years and the only thing I have done so far is to encourage her to work out with me on several occasions. I figured she would trim back down after our daughters were born so I have just tried to be patient and supportive. Its been 4 years now and I am at the point where I need to find a way to accept this or do more to encourage a healthier life style.
Is the general consensus really to be all out upfront and honest? That is dangerous with this type of issue. I have already been attacked several times just in this thread. I have read help sections on the net and they recommend more subtle approaches such as becoming involved in activities that require bathing suits, commenting that friend so and so looks as if they have lost a few pounds. Man I feel like a jerk talking about this,,,,,,,, I’m doomed….

I bet 20% of men are in my shoes,,,,,, and we just cant talk about it,,,

 

[Robinsegg]

Well, you may not want to couch it quite that way. But you *may* want to sit her down and discuss how *she* feels about her overall health and her health in relation to her weight.
If she's had at least 2 children, she may never lose all that weight, due to the changes childbirth can cause in her body. Her hips will *always* be wider than they were when you married her, if she had vaginal birth. Her breasts are *not* likely to change size after giving birth, esp. if she nursed your babies. Those are changes that are probably "here to stay". There may be some weight she could lose, but there may also be some that *won't* go totally away, no matter what she does.

You've been a fitness trainer, so you likely know what she's doing wrong. Have you tried praising her every time you see her doing something right?

Also, have you considered consulting your doctor on how much change you should expect to stay after she's had children? You *may* be surprised at the answer.

Rachel

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

I tend to disagree that childbirth effects wholesale changes to a large extent. Yes, hips and breasts will be a bit different - but we aren't supposed to look like hipless teens our entire lives.

To the OP: yes, you should discuss it with her. For crying out loud, do you honestly think it's better to leave her wondering what the heck has happened?

For the record, if it's shallow then I'm right there in that shallow pond with you. But shallow or not - if you aren't attracted there isn't a darn thing you can do about it except take it to her and say "Honey, I dearly love you but I am having a problem . . ."

While I agree that it would hurt my feelings to be told something about my appearance was a turn-off, I also must say that I would much rather be told about it than continue on that way. It sounds to me as though perhaps your wife is just complacent and doesn't think it bothers you any (because you haven't said so!!) rather than there being medical or emotional reasons for the extra weight. To me, this would be akin to being told about a bad hairdo, tasteless wardrobe or something similar. It's something that CAN be changed.

However, I understand your reticence. It's daunting to think about having to open up and share that when you've kept quiet all this time and you don't want to hurt her feelings. So first line of action...

Like I suggested in my first post - instead of running your miles every day, why don't you take your wife out walking. Go tromp through the woods or the botanical gardens - walk around the neighborhood, etc. Put on music every evening and get your wife up to dance with you. Go to the store and buy a pair of waterguns and get her out in the backyard for a running water gun battle (laser tag is lots of fun, too - I'll bet a lot of folks on here would agree they'd like to shoot us both right about now and your wife might feel the same sometimes, lol). Get creative man! Play with your wife - interject some childish fun. And start cooking the meals yourself to make some changes in the eating if that's an issue too.

Be proactive instead of just venting and feeling bad. And if your wife doesn't care to get active (in a fun way) with you at all - then be honest.

 

[Robinsegg]

FJ,
The OP hasn't told us which part of his wife's anatomy turns him off. All I'm suggesting is that he go to a medical professional to ask questions on what changes to the area(s) he's most concerned about are possible, so he has the best chance of success in helping his wife and improving his marriage.
R

 

[DZoolander]

Jim - how tall is your wife?

 

[jimtem]

Jim - how tall is your wife?

5 foot 6 inches,,,, why?

 

[DZoolander]

Just trying to put the weight gain into perspective.

30 lbs on a girl that's 5'2" is far different than 30 lbs on a girl that's 5'10", ya know?

 

[Cascade]

I have no clue!

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

My husband was 300 pounds when we met, he's 180 now, but he was 150 for a while because he was forced into a raw food diet.

Myself, my doctors are surprised that I don't weigh more than I do. I have fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, and PCOS. I eat about 1,400 calories a day (I measure my portions) and until my fibromyalgia got too bad to work out, I was doing 90 minutes of cardio a day, 1 hour of weights every other day, as I have for the past 10 years.

I'm still a size 16 and 180 pounds, at 5'4". But for that weight, I carry a whopping 135 pounds of muscle mass. True, I still have weight to lose, if I can, but several of my issues have made it difficult.

It's not just simple calories in, calories out. And if you marry someone just because they look good, you're in for disappointment. I'm glad I was heavier (and bald) when I met and got engaged to my husband. It proves he loves me for me and not because of my body, although he says he's attracted to my Rubenesque figure.

 

[xDenax]

There could be a myriad of reasons that weren't on your little poll there. Every person is different.

 

[Teufelhund]

Obvious troll is obvious

 

[Romanseight2005]

I can't help but think there are more issues here than what you are telling us. I am extremely attracted to my husband. He has gained weight but it doesn't affect my desire for him at all. What are you basing your attraction on? On you looking at other women and basing your standard of attractiveness on them, instead of your wife? It's not my husband's job to jump through hoops and look a certain way in order for me to be attracted to him, it's my job to be attracted to him.

 

[FreeInChrist88]

Getting fat and having trouble losing weight can be caused by Leptin resistance in certain cases. Leptin is a hormone that regulates how much fat the body stores. If your body tends toward being leptin-resistant, an excess amount of leptin will be created and, consequently, excess fat will be stored.

I'm no expert on the subject, but this is how I understand the problem.

 

[tiredwalker]

My husband gained 20 in the first six months of our marriage. There were two main reasons, 1). We ate junk 2). he was student teaching and was stressed out. The stress, lack of sleep and exercise, and junk food made him gain weight. I gained some, but I never allow myself to buy the next size up. If my pants don't fit, then I just have to be uncomfortable for a while.

Dh has gone up and down on the scale in the passed 7 1/2 years, but has made the trend upwards. I love my husband and want him to be healthy, so I only buy and prepare healthy foods and encourage him to exercise.

I was 40 pounds heavier when I came home from having dd. Luckily, 29 of that was water, and I got rid of that over the course of a week. The last 11 pounds were sucked away by dd and my lack of time management (what? it's 4:30 and I've only had a piece of toast?). It's odd because I always thought I would get fat and suffered from an eating disorder in college. The truth is, I love my husband, but it is ulimately his choice.

As far as the OP, it sounds like you need to have a sweet talk with her and perhaps a change of heart. Perhaps looking at some fine art would help you realize that 30 extra pounds on a woman of her stature can be quite attractive. Your poll should probably include "It's not high on their priority list." I know it's important to you, but most people aren't trainers. My BMI is normal, but I could certainly stand to tone up. However, my life is far to busy, happy, and wonderful to worry about that. My dh's life is also to busy, happy, and wonderful to worry about that. Yeah, he does try to get out there, but given the chance to spend an evening playing b-ball or a few hours playing with our toddler, he's going to do the latter---she's more important.

Besides, he likes to have a femine rear to smack, and I like that his fuzzy belly keeps me warm at night.

 

[Yitzchak]

So boy and girl meet. They are young and active. They get married and then one of them begins to gain 5 to 10 pounds a year. Then 5 to 10 years after marriage one of them is still healthy, happy and good looking. The other is unhealthy, inactive and unattractive.

Why is this so unbelievably common?

At age 20 we need on average 1,800 to 3,000 calories and we are involved in many activities. At age 30 we are involved in fewer activities and need 1,400 to 2,000. One side of the marriage always gets it! They reduce thier calorie intake and pick up a active hobby to replace their former more active life style. And the other plays dumb. The other:

1) Blames their 30 extra pounds on the baby they had 6 years ago

2) Claims they don't eat much and don't understand why they keep gaining weight. This is a LIE 100% of the time.
Its simple math (calories in - calories out = calories retained)

3) Says they don't have time to be active! Right, we all have time for the things that are important to us. Its just not important to them.

4) They say they don't want to spend money on a gym membership! But they spent 20 grand on the car they drive.

5) Say that it must be genetics. Well genetics influence but they don't control in this issue! If you take in less than you burn then you lose weight 100% of the time!

BUT,,,, this is just my opinion. I want to know what your opinion is. I may be biased since I spent 10 years as a personal trainer and nutrition coach.



1) Do they just not care enough to do something about it? There is a lot in my life I should do but I just don’t care. I wash my car only a few times a year because I just don’t care about the way it looks.

2) Are they unaware that they are totally, completely able to lose weight? Self control is hard but it is doable.

3) Do they think their spouse is OK with it? Can this be true? Even though they were both in shape when they met? Why would 1 side of the marriage come to the conclusion that the other might find a fat spouse attractive?

4) Do you think it’s really out of their control?

I am taking your post to mean a weight problem that is long term and of enough of a change to generate concern on the part of the spouse who has not gained weight.
The billions spent upon Jenny Craig and La weight loss and all the other weight loss programs attest to the fact that you are hitting upon an issue that is common and perceived of as a problem by a large percentage of heavy people. Probably the majority of heavy people would prefer to be thin.
There are health issues , appearance issues , practical inconvience issues , self esteem issues, etc.
Obesity is an epidemic in North America in our generation.

My point...I agree that this is a legitimate topic to be discussed. It is not enough to dismiss it by saying some people just gain wieght and it does not matter. Gaining weight on along term scale creates lots of problems. Relationship problem is just one of them. First point it is a problem.

Second point. Every problem in marriage effects both partners. the two are one. It is impossible to completely seperate the two.

 

[Yitzchak]

Most likely the thin one is contributing to the weight gain more than they realise. First of all lifestyle is the reason for most weight gain. How can I say that I have no effect upon my spouse's lifestyle? There should be a shared lifestyle. Maybe this is a symptom of two lifes growing apart.
Emotional pain and how one handles it is another huge factor in weight gain. Again the spouse is hugely connected to their heavy spouse's emotional well being.
I don't have the answers but I do have some observations.

I answered that the spouse who gains weight has no control over that. The reason I said that is that I believe that the weight gain is a symptom of deeper issues and problems. Unless those deeper problems are solved, it is cruel to pressure the person to lose weight by sheer will power. Of course people always can make choices. But some choices require obstacles to be removed first.

You can be sure there is a reason for the weight gain. But it may not always be the one on the surface that seems obvious.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Yitzchak,
Yes obesity does carry with it health issues, and those can be addressed from that standpoint. The point that I and some others were making, is that our desire for our mate should not be affected by this. If one wants their spouse to lose weight for their own selfish reasons, that is much different than wanting your spouse to lose weight so they don't have a heart attack.

 

[Yitzchak]

Yitzchak,
Yes obesity does carry with it health issues, and those can be addressed from that standpoint. The point that I and some others were making, is that our desire for our mate should not be affected by this. If one wants their spouse to lose weight for their own selfish reasons, that is much different than wanting your spouse to lose weight so they don't have a heart attack.

I agree with this. It brings to mind the expression " with friends like these , who needs enemies ".. Our spouse should be for us and not against us. Our best friend. There is a right motive and a wrong motive. A person should not have to feel like they are living with the oppossing attorney in court case.

 

[WolfGate]

Yitzchak,
Yes obesity does carry with it health issues, and those can be addressed from that standpoint. The point that I and some others were making, is that our desire for our mate should not be affected by this. If one wants their spouse to lose weight for their own selfish reasons, that is much different than wanting your spouse to lose weight so they don't have a heart attack.

Hmmm. Our love for our mate shouldn't be affected by it. Our willingness to fulfill our obligations to them as our spouse and best friend shouldn't be affected by it. And our commitment to them certainly shouldn't be. All those are actions that we control.

But desire is not an action, it's a response that's based on several things, and attractiveness is one of them. I think the thought above ignores the reality that many people, particularly men, are very visual and that visual factor is a key component of desire.