Why are you single?

[Jenster]

I'm curious. When you consider the question of why are you single, what do you think about? I mean, besides the standard: "I haven't met the right person yet."

It's something of a cliche to attribute things to one's upbringing, but for me, that really *is* a big part of the reason I'm single. I grew up in an un-social family, and we never talked about "when you get married" or anything like that. Some people complain about getting too much pressure to marry from their parents, but I got exactly the opposite - nothing. Even now, I sometimes feel like I missed that day of school (so to speak) when everyone learned about life and what to expect from it.

It's pretty weird, actually. None of my siblings is married either.

I've dated, and even thought I'd get married "someday," but I haven't. Now that I'm not 20 or 30something anymore, I feel like I'm just floating along, getting more and more ambivalent to marriage. It's starting to seem like something that "other" people do.

Heh. Anyone got a good book on the joys of marriage? Maybe I should read it before it's too late.

 

[Tumbleweed64]

To put it quite simply, I just got tired of looking for, "Mr Right" only to get really hurt and by now, I am so used to being independent and strong-willed ( some may call that stubborn ) that if he does happen along, he would really have to "sweep me off my feet" in order to get my attention!

 

[Stanfi]

I'm kind of like you jenster, I was chronically shy when I was young, but I was never encourage to meet people, or taught how to go about it, or how to date or anything.

I guess everyone just figured it would come naturally????

But anyway, a few years ago, I did meet someone that I thought was great, and then I did realize I had no clue as to what I was doing! And I failed miserably, and got burned.

She later told me that she thought I was to quiet............

So, now I just float along...

 

[Jenster]

I guess everyone just figured it would come naturally????

Yes, and if it weren't so painfully true (speaking for myself here), it would be funny. ha.

I've had to work a LOT at figuring out what-all goes into being sociable. I still don't think I'm quite comfortable, although people say they can't tell I'm nervous or am having a hard time thinking of things to say. So that's good. Things to be thankful for. I do believe the Lord is working in me, but it takes some time to make up for a somewhat "blank" childhood.

I still find it a bit hard to show my emotions openly. I'd love to be a more cheerful person - genuinely cheerful, not pasting a smile on my face.

 

[Stanfi]

Yes, and if it weren't so painfully true (speaking for myself here), it would be funny. ha.

Speaking for me as well.

I've had to work a LOT at figuring out what-all goes into being sociable. I still don't think I'm quite comfortable, although people say they can't tell I'm nervous or am having a hard time thinking of things to say. So that's good. Things to be thankful for. I do believe the Lord is working in me, but it takes some time to make up for a somewhat "blank" childhood.

I still find it a bit hard to show my emotions openly. I'd love to be a more cheerful person - genuinely cheerful, not pasting a smile on my face.

I can relate, all to well.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I could go with the standard "I'm too fat and ugly" answer but it really goes much deeper than that. I too grew up in an un-social family/unaffectionate, etc... I was an only child and pretty much spent my formative years alone. I learned to be independent...probably TOO independent. I agreed to the pressure when I was 22 and ended up divorced at 23 1/2. I honestly would rather sit here and say I'm a 'never married'. Even though we never had kids and I took back my maiden name, it's still a mistake that haunts me to this day (and it really ticks me off!).

I also look at the whole marriage, kids, etc... as something that 'other people do.' My brief experience in that area seems more like a bad dream than something that actually happened....until some stupid relative brings up the subject.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

I am never-married mostly because I have for most of my adult life been working on goals that seem to preclude marriage.

Beginning when I was 16 or 17 years old I sensed a calling. It is difficult to articulate. It is difficult to convey in written words. Basically, I rejected the American Dream. Of course, a 16 or 17 year old is not really fully conscious of and appreciative of his values and ideals being formed. Only in the last several years, after a lot of suffering emotionally--and I am talking about the severe depression, panic attacks, bursting into tears, mentally ill kind of suffering--have I become fully conscious of and appreciative of what my innocent teenage mind did: Dissent from some of the most deeply rooted values and ideals of the society that I had been socialized into.

I am, to put it bluntly, a dissenter. I have paid my dues--including more than my share of hours with mental health professionals--to arrive at that understanding of myself.

Values and ideals are one thing. Concrete goals and plans are another. I have struggled to connect my values and ideals with concrete actions. And as I have gradually linked myself to concrete avenues, dating, marriage and fatherhood have looked more and more unlikely. For example, a goal that I set more than a decade ago and that I have worked diligently towards every since then is to volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. To do that I have to complete my undergraduate degree (very competitive; only 25% of applicants get a Peace Corps assignment), go through training for a year or however long it is, and then leave the country for an assignment of two years or more. We are talking about at least another 5 to 7 years of my life. And I am 34 years old. I have not met many women--especially American, conservative, evangelical Christian women--who are prepared to work around all of that to have a relationship with me, if you know what I mean.

Meanwhile, some women literally hate me. I do not "love" the United States of America; I do not think that the United States of America is "the greatest country in the the history of the world"; I am not patriotic; and I have a vision and a calling than transcends political boundaries. Add it all up and some--if not a lot of--women hate me. One woman who rejected me as a friend said to me, "I am sorry that I ever met you". If that is how some women feel about me with respect to friendship, then imagine how they feel about me with respect to an intimate, romantic relationship.

I have been told, however, that there are women who share my values and ideals. Well, that may be true, but finding one of them, let alone finding one who would be interested in a relationship with me, has been like finding a needle in a haystack. And to be honest, I have never really been looking. Maybe it is because I don't really want a relationship as much as most people do. Or maybe, subconsciously, I am just being prudent. With the way that I have struggled emotionally and economically--struggles that are mostly the result of the sacrifices that I have consciously made in order to work on my calling, I believe--there have been too many other things that have needed my immediate attention for me to be spending scarce resources trying to pair up with a woman.

 

[Mike7251]

Well for me, its shyness. I can talk to anyone for any reason when I make the effort, except when I see a woman I like and then I have nothing to say. Even though I have the desire to. Its like nothing comes to mind, I draw a blank. Then after the opportunity goes by, then I think of the things to say but its too late. I know I suck. I suck, I suck, I suck and suck & suck & suck, but you get the picture. Do you know what living in agony is like? Now you do. Then to think of all the times that have passed me by and me not being able to express myself, hurts even more. It's like self-pity, not that I want to indulge in it. It is like daggers going through my heart and wrists.

 

[Driver]

It's so hard to meet eligible singles by a certain age. Everyone else is married or is living together with someone or is someone not of your faith or who does not share the same values.

 

[KayD]

Dunno. Guess I'm not trying hard enough. Too many personal issues to deal with right now. And to be quite honest, I can't say that I've really started to panic about it. I'm just too stressed about taking care of things going on in my life right now, that it would feel sort of selfish of me to even be in a relationship at the moment. At least that's how I feel most days.

 

[wildthing]

That easy I have a bad Rep.

 

[kelco]

Easier yet for me. I'm hideous and totally worthless................

 

[Craft]

I could go with the standard "I'm too fat and ugly" answer but it really goes much deeper than that. I too grew up in an un-social family/unaffectionate, etc... I was an only child and pretty much spent my formative years alone. I learned to be independent...probably TOO independent. I agreed to the pressure when I was 22 and ended up divorced at 23 1/2. I honestly would rather sit here and say I'm a 'never married'. Even though we never had kids and I took back my maiden name, it's still a mistake that haunts me to this day (and it really ticks me off!).

I also look at the whole marriage, kids, etc... as something that 'other people do.' My brief experience in that area seems more like a bad dream than something that actually happened....until some stupid relative brings up the subject.

Do not beat yourself up about it. You at least took the chance, we all make mistakes and as long as you survive them, you will be stronger and wiser for them.

 

[Craft]

Easier yet for me. I'm hideous and totally worthless................

Never put yourself down there are enough people out there that will do that for you. The only one you have to please is yourself and the only one you have to judge is yourself.

I know why I am single, it is because I like being single. I found after years of futile searching for a woman that filled that missing spot in my life. I realised that, I was happier being single than I ever was with a Girl Friend. Althought around this time of year I do grow Modiline and sometimes wish for a traditional family.

 

[Tumbleweed64]

I am in total agreement, the Holidays can be very depressing!

 

[Stanfi]

I'm a reject of society, the rusty crud on the bottom of the barrel.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Do not beat yourself up about it. You at least took the chance, we all make mistakes and as long as you survive them, you will be stronger and wiser for them.

Thanks, Craft. I really do wish I hadn't taken the chance though. I'm embarassed to say I ever did. Also, churches tend to look down on 'singles' who are in the 'divorce' category. (well, at least in my own personal experience)

 

[Tumbleweed64]

Look in the mirror at your reflection until you can say something positive about yourself and then say,while still looking in the mirror, "Jesus loves ME!"

 

[CountryLady]

I'm single because I am a widow. During the first years I was in deep sadness over the loss of my late husband. Then I was worried how my son would feel. Now it has been almost four years and my young teenage son says, "mom, I want a man around the house". Now I'm just scared, of dating, getting my heart broken again, of everything. I kind of like being single, no one to boss me around, I can cook and eat what I want, when I want to. It's kind of nice. But I do miss the closeness of sharing your life with someone you love.

 

[stryperfan]

I am officially single and never married at age 42. I guess you could say a number of things have led to this:

First, I have never been one to go out and socialize and feel comfortable in group or social settings. I guess you could say I am someone who is quite content to stay at home and read on a Saturday evening. At the same time, I am quite independent and enjoy the freedom of single life.

Another contributing factor is the fact that, as a Christian, I have gone through a number of trials and tribulations that have been Job-like in their capacity. It has been my experience that God puts us through trials to mature our character and faith; that being said, I have never met someone who has gone through what I have or could relate to it.

Perhaps I do not have a lot of confidence around the opposite sex. While I am certain not the only person here to say this, I fear women do not find me attractive. One women rejected me on the basis of this alone. (I cannot help but think- How Shallow!)
I am no Brad Pitt but do have a lot of good qualities. At the same time, I have known women who make good friends- just nothing went beyond that.

I think this pretty much sums things up.