I've thought the same for a while now so.... when will it end
This is embarrassing what I'm about to tell you. I wouldn't blame you if you think I'm a complete idiot. But I was thinking about the advice I gave you and began to wonder if I should have wrote what I wrote to you.
The thing is, I'm not 100% sure that it agrees with what the Bible teaches. There are alot of Christians that would tell you that I'm wrong. And frankly I'm not 100% sure that I'm right about my belief.
But I feel like I'm in the same situation as you and I wanted to give you some hope so that you wouldn't feel the same torment that I have felt on the matter.
I have tried everything to follow God's commands as stated in the Bible and found that it only has left me in a worse state than before. The more I try, the more I fail and the less i feel like trying the next time around. It leaves me feeling angry with God, and makes me doubt His justice. Instead of feeling love toward Him, I feel hate.
There are those that will tell you that you have to follow a long list of commands to not burn for eternity in hell, and there are those that will tell you that it's all about faith.
The long list of commands doesn't really seem to be an option, so I'm going to have to lean towards the only faith doctrine.
People say you have to love God, feel guilty for displeasing God and so on and so forth. But they've never really been able to explain how to me. How do you love God when you don't? How do you feel guilty when you don't? How do you appreciate the sacrifice of Jesus when you don't? In the end someone finally told me that it doesn't really matter anyway because it is God who does the work of salvation. It's God that chooses you, not the other way around. This idea is firmly supported by many Christians as far as I can tell (especially Lutherans).
So what do you do if you think you're on a highway to hell and don't know how to change it? The Bible says that those that confess and believe in their hearts that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God will be saved. It says that all who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. But isn't it God that whispers to us and tells us to do these things. Isn't He the one that starts the process of salvation?
So what are we to do when all we have tried has failed? Try harder? It's never worked for me and I have no indication that it will work in the future.
So the best I can come up with is that I keep asking God to make me into the creation that He desires and leave it at that. Along the way I hope that I will learn how to love God more and be a sincere follower of Jesus. I really don't know what else to do.
But I think the worst thing you could do is continue to look for answers where there either is none or perhaps the answer is beyond our understanding.
Martin Luther said (scandalously) to sin boldly. Jesus said that those that have been forgiven much, love much. Now, I'm not saying to go out and willfully sin, but it seems like experience is often the best teacher. Maybe that's how one learns to hate sin and love God. But if you keep tormenting yourself with questions that have no answers, you might miss out on what God is trying to teach you.
So I hope you don't think badly of me for the advice I gave you, and I should have told you it's more my idea than stating it such a matter of fact way, but i just wanted to give some hope to someone who seems to be having the same struggles that I have.