What would you do?

[abysmul]

He is far more successful in his town as a surgeon and he has 3 kids there.

You need to set your priorities.
Literally make a list.

Who/what is Number One?
You and your pleasure.
Him and his job and family.
Your son.

Pick Number One, go from there.

 

[Messy]

He is far more successful in his town as a surgeon and he has 3 kids there.

Okay, so then his career and kids go first of course. Your ex husband and you and your kid can move. He doesn't care about your kid.
Do you both even have Biblical reasons? Are you living in sin with him?
Get out of there. I didn't and then whined that God gave the kids to my ex.

 

[whatdoido2]

Well -- I feel as if going to move to be with him -- may be the smartest decision (in some ways) ...right now.

He bought a ring -- I know he wants to get engaged on a trip next weekend.

And I think I have endangered my job stability so much (because of taking a short leave to move with him last month...) that I could be left unemployed for good -- in my son's hometown.

If I move back with my BF (soon fiance') I will at least have a house -- and be well taken care of - until I find a job there -- and then I could fight to get my son in his town --

The problem with my CURRENT job (stable or not) is that I work 1:30 to 10:30 and my ex husband has taken sole custody because of my work hours. So, I only get to see my son every other weekend -- or IF I decide to go over to my ex's house to "hang out...and have dinner". My ex clearly wants to get back together...

So -- I don't know what's best at this point. I'm so conflicted right now -- And I need to decide by tomorrow -- because I am supposed to go on a trip with my BF this weekend (where I believe he will propose)....

 

[abysmul]

Well -- I feel as if going to move to be with him -- may be the smartest decision (in some ways) ...right now.

He bought a ring -- I know he wants to get engaged on a trip next weekend.

And I think I have endangered my job stability so much (because of taking a short leave to move with him last month...) that I could be left unemployed for good -- in my son's hometown.

If I move back with my BF (soon fiance') I will at least have a house -- and be well taken care of - until I find a job there -- and then I could fight to get my son in his town --

The problem with my CURRENT job (stable or not) is that I work 1:30 to 10:30 and my ex husband has taken sole custody because of my work hours. So, I only get to see my son every other weekend -- or IF I decide to go over to my ex's house to "hang out...and have dinner". My ex clearly wants to get back together...

So -- I don't know what's best at this point. I'm so conflicted right now -- And I need to decide by tomorrow -- because I am supposed to go on a trip with my BF this weekend (where I believe he will propose)....

Move away, and live with your BF... does that allow you to see your son more or less than you see your son now?

 

[Annessa3]

conflicted? I don't see that. You want someone here to bless the fact that you want to be with your very controlling, nutball boyfriend and leave your son.

probably not gonna happen.
good luck- saying a prayer for all of you....

 

[whatdoido2]

Well -- less, I'm sure. If I rolled the dice and stayed here and tried to keep my current job -I could at least see my son at school events/lunches and soccer games -- when I don't normally have custody of him...

But, if I live 3 hours away -- I could at least drive in for those special occasions etc.... and still have every other weekend -- etc.

However, that doesn't mean my BF won't stop the jealousy and make it difficult for me to go see my son.....

Move away, and live with your BF... does that allow you to see your son more or less than you see your son now?

 

[whatdoido2]

I agree -- I see your point. I also talked with a therapist this morning --

and he suggested (since I offered up that I think I'm a love addict) ..that I attend a 12 step meeting -- and there is one available tomorrow.

I'm going to go and I hope that will give me someone to lean on -- as I really need someone to fall to -- when I begin to get weak.

He said addiction is that feeling of being powerless - and that's how I feel...

conflicted? I don't see that. You want someone here to bless the fact that you want to be with your very controlling, nutball boyfriend and leave your son.

probably not gonna happen.
good luck- saying a prayer for all of you....

 

[Messy]

My ex wanted to get back together. I thought he was terrible at the time and this new boyfriend I had when he dumped me, he was so sweet and amazing and we would get the kids and live happily ever after. I wish that there had been one person then who'd have been so blunt and honest to tell me this was just sin and I either could go back to my ex or stay alone. There's a reason God says that I found out the hard way. I fell from my faith and lost my kids until I repented and got them back 50 50 and the marriage was a disaster.
I really regret it. We could have reconciled then. He also remarried, I told him not to, because she had no Biblical reason and could go back, but I shouldn't be so judgemental. 6 months later she dumped him and he knew also why God says that in the Bible. Oh well, decide for yourself what you want, listen or learn it the hard way.

 

[abysmul]

Well -- less, I'm sure.

So you want to move away, and that means you will see your son less.

Then is it safe to assume you want to see your son less?

 

[DZoolander]

I'm thinking that mommame2 and whatdoido2 are the same person.

...and if you've been paying attention to the stream of posts from mommame2 about her ex husband, with the issues of fraud, recording devices with her ex husband, the weird gamesmanship, etc...you either need to take what she/he says with a grain of salt (i.e., they're a troll), or else you need to mark them off as un-savable due to the inability to make a good decision in their lives. Their life reads like a really bad episode of the Young and the Restless.

...and if it is true...God help that kid.

 

[whatdoido2]

Un-savable? Boy, that's rough to hear.

I believe what I have is Love Addiction -- and I know that it is taking me for a rough ride right now --

I just feel sometimes like I am powerless -- so much so -- I need someone to come smack me and take control of ending my relationship.

I know my bf loves me very very much -- but it is in a controlling way... so much so that he did hire a PI to follow me and he wants me to move with him -despite being 3 hours away from my son.

I just need anger to fuel me - to end this again. I did it last week! I was doing so well...and then I played right back into his hand... He has a power over me and I truly wish I could understand why I can't seem to shake it.

I'm thinking that mommame2 and whatdoido2 are the same person.

...and if you've been paying attention to the stream of posts from mommame2 about her ex husband, with the issues of fraud, recording devices with her ex husband, the weird gamesmanship, etc...you either need to take what she/he says with a grain of salt (i.e., they're a troll), or else you need to mark them off as un-savable due to the inability to make a good decision in their lives.

...and if it is true...God help that kid.

 

[DZoolander]

If that truly is your life, then you're apparently doing something to draw incredibly unhealthy levels of drama to yourself.

let's put it this way.

Not a single thing you've ever mentioned...the wearing of wires...the types of fraud...the forgeries of divorce certificates...the threats resulting from that...the copping of a feel to test for wires and then solicitations of sex...the talks with family members...the threats of "exposure" to your work associates...the crap talking...the hiring of private investigators...etc...

none of that...not a SINGLE one...ever happens in most normal relationships. Maybe...if people are really dysfunctional...I might understand one or two of those (and I don't know anyone that has...so apparently I don't know anyone that screwed up). But - your life is beyond Jerry Springer levels of dysfunction if that's all true.

So yeah - if it's true - until you do something to take care of your own life - you're pretty much unsaveable.

 

[DZoolander]

and I wouldn't recommend anyone really even waste a keystroke giving you advice.

 

[whatdoido2]

So, your suggestion is for me to disappear from my son's life ? Leave him with his dad?

Or reconcile with my EX husband -- for the sake of stability and the child...despite the fact that he, in fact, tried to ruin me -- post divorce filing... in a very public way. Not a single member of his family speaks to me -- not one. So, how does he go back to me? How?

I feel like I'm so alone. My own family has turned on me - and I'm on an abyss...and the only person who seems to love and fight for me is my BF...

I feel so scared ... and even more scared to be alone. And that's the God's honest truth.

If that truly is your life, then you're apparently doing something to draw incredibly unhealthy levels of drama to yourself.

let's put it this way.

Not a single thing you've ever mentioned...the wearing of wires...the types of fraud...the forgeries of divorce certificates...the threats resulting from that...the copping of a feel to test for wires and then solicitations of sex...the talks with family members...the threats of "exposure" to your work associates...the crap talking...the hiring of private investigators...etc...

none of that...not a SINGLE one...ever happens in most normal relationships. Maybe...if people are really dysfunctional...I might understand one or two of those (and I don't know anyone that has...so apparently I don't know anyone that screwed up). But - your life is beyond Jerry Springer levels of dysfunction if that's all true.

So yeah - if it's true - until you do something to take care of your own life - you're pretty much unsaveable.

 

[DZoolander]

What you need to do is:

a) Be a mother to your child
b) Avoid drama in your life.

In your scenario, if it's true, that means remaining single for the time being and at some point in the future begin dating again. If someone is good to you and your child, without drama, you keep dating them and see where it goes. If they show you signs of drama, you stop dating them and move on.

 

[DZoolander]

Probably too boring of an existence for you, though, if your stories are true.

 

[whatdoido2]

Yes my stories are true and I honestly wonder how I have held it together at all -- as of late. I have felt near breakdown level ...and it seems that I just can't get past the love I feel for my boyfriend and the fact that I know our lives could be amazing -- but I am nervous when I think back to the monitoring that he's done ....

I think my biggest problem is I feel as if I'm not capable of being alone -- and self sufficient. I see my ex husband and I think --wow -- despite everything -- he's recovered and after trashing me to every one and ruining me and my reputation -- he has maintained his sanity and has been a good father to my son...

I have to give him that...

Probably too boring of an existence for you, though, if your stories are true.

 

[DZoolander]

Once again, none of the things that you've described as happening in your life happen to normal people. The fact you had one relationship that was like that is bad enough. The fact that it seems to be becoming two in a row - there's clearly something wrong with your decision making process.

Sort of a "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" idea.

 

[Odetta]

Honestly, with all that you have described about yourself, I think your son is better off with your ex-husband. You are one hot mess and you need to get a grip fast. I can see that Ezoo has lost patience with you, and I'm getting there myself. It is really frustrating to give advice to someone who asks for help, and then they ignore it and list a whole bunch of very bad reasons why they are making their very bad decision.

You say you don't want to be alone (no it's not that you are incapable, so own up to it). But the reality is that you NEED to be alone to figure your mess out. This guy is just feeding off of your dysfunction. So dump him. Dump. Him. Like last week.

Did I mention dump him?

 

[whatdoido2]

I don't think I adequately portray my situation when I post here -- as many times it helps me to just think (type) freely -- to gain support here.

I am trying to stay away from him and stay strong. I'm even going to my first love addiction meeting tomorrow -- 12 step program. I need to try something to gain a grip.

What makes me sound like such an awful person? I mean I am in a rough spot. I have no money -- and no place to live in my son's hometown. I am back to work and can't wait to get a paycheck ...but other than that -- I have nothing. I have no family to turn to...and my ex husband is trying to kiss me and beg me back....when I tell him no -- I need time alone - he says he won't help me get on my feet either (even though HE is the reason I'm in this financial hole)..

AND -- I can't have quality time with my 9 year old because I have a horrible schedule for a parent -- so, I guess I think ...what am I supposed to do?

I'm trying very hard --