What would you do?

[Messy]

Leave my son with his dad... Like never see my son again?

What do you mean?

See him at his dad's place or alone, not with that man. When I was totally unstable and nuts and ran off with a guy from a mental institution I still could see my kids twice a week with my parents as supervisors. Kids need to see their mom.

 

[Messy]

Well, I think I have here yet another reason why my thread (and my life) sounds psychotic.

My BF just messaged me that he had a FBI style background check done on my ex husband and that he found that my EX had filed bankruptcy 3 times and that we were not legally divorced.

ALL of that is completely wrong. I haven't responded to him yet -- but what in the world?!?

I know this sounds like more of a reality show -- but I'm struggling ... I just can't understand it all... he really is psychotic...isn't he?

Praying that you get out of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?featu...-ts=1421914688&v=RICPrlQGAqY&x-yt-cl=84503534

 

[bhsmte]

I'm a mom of a 9 year old. I'm very career driven. I have a good job but my hours are m-f 1 to 10pm. So my ex has gotten custody but I have dinner w my son every night on a break and I have him every other weekend.

Now I've befn offered a great job with normal hours for my son. But it's 3 hours away. My ex is refusing to relocate with our son.

What would you do if you were me? Would you leave and only see your child every other weekend?

All things being relatively equal, the mother typically gets custody of children, with the father getting visitation time on certain days.

Are you saying you didn't get custody because you work late? If so, you can go back to court and ask for custody if your job hours have changed.

Something tells me though, there may be other reasons you did not get custody of your son.

 

[whatdoido2]

I DID get full custody -- but my ex contested it because of my hours of M-F 1pm to 10pm working....

So -- right now --we are still fighting. There are NO other reasons. My biggest problem is I don't have the money to compete with my ex's family money/attorney.

All things being relatively equal, the mother typically gets custody of children, with the father getting visitation time on certain days.

Are you saying you didn't get custody because you work late? If so, you can go back to court and ask for custody if your job hours have changed.

Something tells me though, there may be other reasons you did not get custody of your son.

 

[bhsmte]

I DID get full custody -- but my ex contested it because of my hours of M-F 1pm to 10pm working....

So -- right now --we are still fighting. There are NO other reasons. My biggest problem is I don't have the money to compete with my ex's family money/attorney.

In my experience, judges do not appoint full custody to the father without very compelling reasons to do so.

 

[whatdoido2]

that's my point - no one has. We are still waiting to go to court.

But, according to my attorney -- it's a hard fight because of my work hours.....that are not conducive to an elementary aged child.

In my experience, judges do not appoint full custody to the father without very compelling reasons to do so.

 

[bhsmte]

that's my point - no one has. We are still waiting to go to court.

But, according to my attorney -- it's a hard fight because of my work hours.....that are not conducive to an elementary aged child.

So you have a temporary order of custody pending the actual divorce?

Would your husband still want full custody even if you had better hours?

 

[whatdoido2]

[my ex says if I get better hours (which is not easy right now)...he would consider it. But, I make 4 times more than he does -- so what he wants and ADMITS -- is child support.

QUOTE=bhsmte;66947501]So you have a temporary order of custody pending the actual divorce?

Would your husband still want full custody even if you had better hours?[/QUOTE]

 

[bhsmte]

[my ex says if I get better hours (which is not easy right now)...he would consider it. But, I make 4 times more than he does -- so what he wants and ADMITS -- is child support.

QUOTE=bhsmte;66947501]So you have a temporary order of custody pending the actual divorce?

Would your husband still want full custody even if you had better hours?

[/QUOTE]

But, it will not be up to your husband as to how custody is determined once you go to court for the divorce. It will be up to the judge, to review the evidence and to make a determination as to who is best suited to have full custody, with the other parent having visitation.

Are you paying child support now, under a temporary order?

As I stated, the mother typically always gets full custody of children, unless there are compelling reasons for them not to.

If you make 4 times more than your husband, why can't you afford the legal expenses?

 

[whatdoido2]

I will be able to pay up some... But no one gave me a 50k lump sum like my ex ...

And no. I am not paying child support right now. He is.

And my ex BF wanted me to quit working and move away to avoid paying child support to him. How about that?

 

[bhsmte]

I will be able to pay up some... But no one gave me a 50k lump sum like my ex ...

And no. I am not paying child support right now. He is.

And my ex BF wanted me to quit working and move away to avoid paying child support to him. How about that?

How could your husband be paying child support, if your son is living with him more often? That makes no sense what so ever.

You can not avoid child support by moving away.

In all honesty, something seems to be missing here.

 

[whatdoido2]

It's because that was how the orginal decree stipulated it --

And it will remain that way -- until the bill of review is completed.

And I know...I am not going to avoid paying -- but my BF wanted me to move 3 hours away -- with him -- and he would support me ...so I wouldn't have to show income.

That's his M-O ....to avoid having my ex get anything ...since he wants to land lock our son.

How could your husband be paying child support, if your son is living with him more often? That makes no sense what so ever.

You can not avoid child support by moving away.

In all honesty, something seems to be missing here.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Well, I think I have here yet another reason why my thread (and my life) sounds psychotic.

My BF just messaged me that he had a FBI style background check done on my ex husband and that he found that my EX had filed bankruptcy 3 times and that we were not legally divorced.

ALL of that is completely wrong. I haven't responded to him yet -- but what in the world?!?

I know this sounds like more of a reality show -- but I'm struggling ... I just can't understand it all... he really is psychotic...isn't he?

We've all been saying repeatedly for months that he is.

Tell your ex husband your boyfriend invaded his privacy and has information he wants to use to hurt him legally. Break up with the boyfriend. Do not see your son until you get your act together. You're sucking him into a dangerous, unstable, vicious life through your inability to shield him from this baloney.

Since you forged paperwork regarding your divorce and your ex brought it back to court for review, I wouldn't be surprised if your divorce was thrown out and isn't official and you're in danger of jail.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

no -- he said he hired a military "friend" ...who also worked as a private eye -- (who also followed ME) ... to run this...and even called extended family ?!? and pretended they needed info for a job reference.

This is not just public data...

Guess what? He's allowed to do it. He didn't break the law. For $50 and an address you can get a lot of information. For a whole lot more and a social security number, which since you stupidly showed your boyfriend the divorce paperwork he probably has, he can get pretty much any info he wants and it's not illegal. With a thousand dollars and your SSN, I can find out anything about you through background checks online.

Though I notice you're not mentioning if you're telling your ex what your boyfriend did so that somebody can keep the CHILD safe.

 

[bhsmte]

It's because that was how the orginal decree stipulated it --

And it will remain that way -- until the bill of review is completed.

And I know...I am not going to avoid paying -- but my BF wanted me to move 3 hours away -- with him -- and he would support me ...so I wouldn't have to show income.

That's his M-O ....to avoid having my ex get anything ...since he wants to land lock our son.

But the judge needs a reason to make the original decree what it is and I don't see anything that would have your husband paying child support.

I guess you need to ask yourself, how important is it to have full custody of your son?

I just read more of the thread. Wow, you need to be careful and listen to sound legal advice.

Do you live in the United States?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

It's because that was how the orginal decree stipulated it --

And it will remain that way -- until the bill of review is completed.

If you had any sense of decency, you'd either not be taking the money for the child you're not taking care of regularly, or you'd be paying him something has he has primary custody.

Having been through this with kids before, there was a gap between when my husband filed for divorce and when the court got to a point where they outlined what he should be paying for support. You know what my husband did? He used a child support calculator that was online through our court systems, figured out the amount he thought he'd owe to take care of the kids, added $50 to that, and started paying his ex that amount every week and worked out an informal custody agreement.

When he went to court a year later to work on the mediation for family matters related to the divorce, he sat down with 52 weeks worth of proof he's been paying a set amount of support, he sat down with the custody schedule he had and proof of past visits, and he proved he was an active, attentive parent who cared about his kids without waiting for a court to tell him he had to. That expedited the divorce process, it proved he wasn't a deadbeat, it proved he was interested in his kids well-being, and it meant that he could pretty much write his own ticket during mediation and custody issues. Why? Because he'd proven for a year that he didn't need a court to tell him to be a father, he had integrity, and he wanted the best for the kids. Even when he found out he could pay less, he said "nope, I'm fine" and kept paying the amount he had been and opted to not pursue his ex wife for return of funds from over payment.

It meant when his ex started crying about how hard her life was and how she needed more money for the kids and alimony to get by, no fingers were pointed at my husband asking "Why did you let this happen? Why did you abandon them?" All the fingers were pointed at his ex saying "He's been right here, he's been supporting them, and he's been seeing them several days a week. The problem is you and you're not doing enough to help yourself." It also meant he didn't have to pay thousands of dollars in retroactive support, which you may well have to pay, and he didn't have to repay her support he took under false pretenses, which you may also have to do.

When all is said and done, you may owe your ex thousands.

Here, I'll even give you the child support calculator link for Texas. Now is your chance to put your kid first and make things right. At the least if you don't pay anything (for now, hopefully you will, and soon), you'd stop stealing your ex's money by taking support for a child you don't ACTUALLY support.

And I know...I am not going to avoid paying -- but my BF wanted me to move 3 hours away -- with him -- and he would support me ...so I wouldn't have to show income.

Um, that is avoiding paying and it's absolutely filthy and disgusting. It's shameful. Absolutely shameful.

That's his M-O ....to avoid having my ex get anything ...since he wants to land lock our son.

So you want to get money for the child you're not raising, or pay nothing but still see your kid, and you see nothing wrong with that. And you see nothing wrong with your boyfriend denying to YOUR CHILD money that is owed TO HIM for his BASIC CARE to get back at your ex husband.

Congrats. You have officially convinced me that you are in absolutely no way fit to be a parent to this poor, poor kid. This kid is a pawn and my heart is shattered for him. I hope you distance yourself from him until you get your priorities straight, I hope you ditch the boyfriend, I hope you aren't allowed around your son until you do, and I hope this kid has a shot of a normal, happy childhood with two parents who put aside the BS to focus on his needs, and his parents respective new partners who facilitate that.

No child should be crying because their mother has made clear that it's more important to honor the boyfriends wish to not spend Christmas near the ex than it is to spend it with her own child. No child should know "daddy and mommy's friend are at war."

 

[whatdoido2]

I understand all the harsh criticism -- but before you do anything more -- you should know that I am currently paying my ex's rent -- his car and using his 200.00 in child support (yes I had it reduced to that from the BEGINNING) to fund his bills.

I have NOT done what my bf wanted -- never have. But, my problem is that HE had me thinking that my kindness was too much and that I should not be feeding the mouth that wants to keep my child from me. Have I acted on that, yet? No -- I have not. In fact, I just paid my ex's 900 dollar at & t bill because he just discovered that he "accidentally" called and texted someone in Canada without an international plan ---

SO - am I fit to be a parent? I believe I am -- Am I screwed up. Yes -- but am I coldhearted -- NO!

[and worked out an informal custody agreement.


It meant when his ex started crying about how hard her life was and how she needed more money for the kids and alimony to get by, no fingers were pointed at my husband asking "Why did you let this happen? Why did you abandon them?" All the fingers were pointed at his ex saying "He's been right here, he's been supporting them, and he's been seeing them several days a week. The problem is you and you're not doing enough to help yourself." It also meant he didn't have to pay thousands of dollars in retroactive support, which you may well have to pay, and he didn't have to repay her support he took under false pretenses, which you may also have to do.

When all is said and done, you may owe your ex thousands.





Um, that is avoiding paying and it's absolutely filthy and disgusting. It's shameful. Absolutely shameful.



So you want to get money for the child you're not raising, or pay nothing but still see your kid, and you see nothing wrong with that. And you see nothing wrong with your boyfriend denying to YOUR CHILD money that is owed TO HIM for his BASIC CARE to get back at your ex husband.

Congrats. You have officially convinced me that you are in absolutely no way fit to be a parent to this poor, poor kid. This kid is a pawn and my heart is shattered for him. I hope you distance yourself from him until you get your priorities straight, I hope you ditch the boyfriend, I hope you aren't allowed around your son until you do, and I hope this kid has a shot of a normal, happy childhood with two parents who put aside the BS to focus on his needs, and his parents respective new partners who facilitate that.

No child should be crying because their mother has made clear that it's more important to honor the boyfriends wish to not spend Christmas near the ex than it is to spend it with her own child. No child should know "daddy and mommy's friend are at war."[/QUOTE]

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I understand all the harsh criticism -- but before you do anything more -- you should know that I am currently paying my ex's rent -- his car and using his 200.00 in child support (yes I had it reduced to that from the BEGINNING) to fund his bills.

But you are supposed to do that anyway, according to what you said in previous posts. You're not supposed to be taking his money, then using the money he gives you to pay for those things. Ultimately, he's still paying for them. You're supposed to be paying for it. It's like when my parents bought me my first car but I had to make the payments... It defeats the point if I'm supposed to pay my parents back, but I tell them I need them to give me money so I can pay them back for the car.

I have NOT done what my bf wanted -- never have. But, my problem is that HE had me thinking that my kindness was too much and that I should not be feeding the mouth that wants to keep my child from me. Have I acted on that, yet? No -- I have not. In fact, I just paid my ex's 900 dollar at & t bill because he just discovered that he "accidentally" called and texted someone in Canada without an international plan ---

When you pay child support, you're paying for the child, not for the husband. And you have consistently done what your boyfriend has asked you to do. Giving up job security, considering moving away from your child, entertaining dumping your job to avoid support... It's ridiculous.

Paying bills you were required to pay in the divorce using money your husband gives you, not only is that not you paying the bill, and it's you taking child support to pay for things that are not caring for a child, it doesn't even begin to cover what you should be paying him for the care of your child. I looked at the calculator, it's between 20-25% of your gross income, depending on what you pay for the child's insurance and monthly bills (like daycare).

If you make as much as you say you do, that means your child is not getting what he deserves from his mother in terms of care, but financially as well. There is nothing to be proud of there, especially as you're actively plotting on how to avoid paying child support so you can stick it to the ex.

SO - am I fit to be a parent? I believe I am -- Am I screwed up. Yes -- but am I coldhearted -- NO!

A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't scheme with a boyfriend on how to get out of paying child support. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't get into screaming fights with their boyfriend and their ex in front of the child, leaving the tired in tears and begging for their parents to stop fighting and celebrate Christmas. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't say they're going to move away to be with a boyfriend who is abusive to her in front of their child, while trying to explain why denying support to the child to punish the father is OK. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't introduce a child to a man who she says is a danger to her ex and who violates his privacy in order to screw him over. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't post about their husband and then 10 days later posts about getting divorced and moving in with their boyfriend... After forging her ex-husband's information on divorce paperwork.

Again, you need to get your priorities straight. Dump the boyfriend, change your number, change your email, change your contact information. Move in with a friend, find a women's shelter, a church, something, and focus on getting your baloney together so you can be there for your child at some point.

 

[whatdoido2]

Well, I don't think this is really fair -- but I understand I haven't told the entire picture. My husband has to pay 200.00 right now in child support...legally - until this is settled. So, I am currently paying 2500.00 a month in his bills and nanny care -- for when he is working. That is FAR more than what's required of my salary.

As for the issue with my boyfriend - we have never been abusive. He has yelled at me -- yes. My son has overhead the yelling from the next room -- yes. But, he's never been abusive in anyway to my son.

As for the crying on Christmas day over me having to leave. That was ME who got in trouble with my BF. My son cried because I was leaving -- but this was a boundary that I was trying to establish. My ex husband was saying "son tell your mommy that you want her to stay for xyz..." So he knew how to play this very well to manipulate the situation.

My ex BF did not approve of me staying to eat dinner with them (without him) on Christmas Day -- especially since my son had just eaten dinner with us and my ex BF family --

My heart wanted to stay ...that's for certain. But, I was trying to honor my BF -- knowing that he was sitting at Starbucks waiting for me to come back ...after dropping off my son.

He thought that something "weird was going on..."

ANd my ex bf easily comes to those conclusions..

But you are supposed to do that anyway, according to what you said in previous posts. You're not supposed to be taking his money, then using the money he gives you to pay for those things. Ultimately, he's still paying for them. You're supposed to be paying for it. It's like when my parents bought me my first car but I had to make the payments... It defeats the point if I'm supposed to pay my parents back, but I tell them I need them to give me money so I can pay them back for the car.



When you pay child support, you're paying for the child, not for the husband. And you have consistently done what your boyfriend has asked you to do. Giving up job security, considering moving away from your child, entertaining dumping your job to avoid support... It's ridiculous.

Paying bills you were required to pay in the divorce using money your husband gives you, not only is that not you paying the bill, and it's you taking child support to pay for things that are not caring for a child, it doesn't even begin to cover what you should be paying him for the care of your child. I looked at the calculator, it's between 20-25% of your gross income, depending on what you pay for the child's insurance and monthly bills (like daycare).

If you make as much as you say you do, that means your child is not getting what he deserves from his mother in terms of care, but financially as well. There is nothing to be proud of there, especially as you're actively plotting on how to avoid paying child support so you can stick it to the ex.



A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't scheme with a boyfriend on how to get out of paying child support. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't get into screaming fights with their boyfriend and their ex in front of the child, leaving the tired in tears and begging for their parents to stop fighting and celebrate Christmas. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't say they're going to move away to be with a boyfriend who is abusive to her in front of their child, while trying to explain why denying support to the child to punish the father is OK. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't introduce a child to a man who she says is a danger to her ex and who violates his privacy in order to screw him over. A person who's fit to be a parent doesn't post about their husband and then 10 days later posts about getting divorced and moving in with their boyfriend... After forging her ex-husband's information on divorce paperwork.

Again, you need to get your priorities straight. Dump the boyfriend, change your number, change your email, change your contact information. Move in with a friend, find a women's shelter, a church, something, and focus on getting your baloney together so you can be there for your child at some point.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Well, I don't think this is really fair -- but I understand I haven't told the entire picture. My husband has to pay 200.00 right now in child support...legally - until this is settled. So, I am currently paying 2500.00 a month in his bills and nanny care -- for when he is working. That is FAR more than what's required of my salary.

But that's what you agreed to play in the divorce decree... You can't say that you agree to pay that, but then decide later you're going to pay that and it counts as child support. Again, I have first hand knowledge of how this works... My husband granted his ex things in the divorce... The non-personal property in their residence, a portion of his retirement, and a huge chunk of money for her to pay off some debts. None of that meant anything to lowering how much he paid per month or week in child support. He paid his child support, plus that. That's how property and asset division works. You don't agree to pay those things in lieu of child support.

And, having watched a divorce in your home state, the settlements for property division and child custody/support aren't even handled by the same branch of the court. Property division, division of bills, assets, and property is all one court division that is totally separate from family court and child support. The decree from one does not dictate the decree from the other.

The fact that you pay $2300 to your ex's bills as is outlined by the divorce paperwork you drew up and then forged means nothing to child support. You still need to pay it.

As for the issue with my boyfriend - we have never been abusive. He has yelled at me -- yes. My son has overhead the yelling from the next room -- yes. But, he's never been abusive in anyway to my son.

He has been abusive to you in the presence of your son. That isn't OK. And being exposed to your being abused is an abusive behavior committed against your son.

As for the crying on Christmas day over me having to leave. That was ME who got in trouble with my BF. My son cried because I was leaving -- but this was a boundary that I was trying to establish. My ex husband was saying "son tell your mommy that you want her to stay for xyz..." So he knew how to play this very well to manipulate the situation.

No... No. You've just proven my point as to how totally detached you are.

Your boyfriend made you choose between him and your son. You chose your boyfriend over your son. Your son doesn't have to be told to be upset over his mother choosing her abusive boyfriend's wants on Christmas over time with him on a significant personal and religious holiday. He just is. Because that's a hurt. And when he gets older, he'll remember his first Christmas trying to navigate his new post-divorce family dynamic was spent crying over mom saying no to him and yes to the man who verbally and physically abuses her in the room next to his.

That's not the husband poisoning the well. That's you choosing a boyfriend and sex and staying on the abuser's good side over the well-being, emotional needs, and feelings over him, and the poor kid fully realizing it.

Most rational people would have had a discussion away from the boy that told the boyfriend to pound sand, told the ex husband you're staying for 3, 4, 5, whatever hours to watch and be a part of the most important part of the holidays to the child, and then gone back to do exactly that. Not square off with the ex in front of the kid, square off with the boyfriend in front of the kid, then leave the kid in tears.

Ask yourself, you expect your child who's not even in a double digits age bracket, to understand why you can't be there with him for Christmas... But your boyfriend, who is 5 times older than him with, who has three kids of his own, can't accept not being with you? Why are you expecting a 9 year old to understand something that's outside of what he can process and accept, but not expecting the boyfriend to accept your role as a mother when he's not only old enough to understand it, but he's in the same position himself?

My ex BF did not approve of me staying to eat dinner with them (without him) on Christmas Day -- especially since my son had just eaten dinner with us and my ex BF family --

Guess what's none of his business?

That.

If you guys were together for years, everybody got along, and you're in a healthy, long-term relationship with the guy, going through a holiday that you've done post-divorce numerous times, then he can start making these kinds of requests.

Post-divorce, my husband spent most of the day alone with his ex and the kids on Christmas. Once they got settled into the post-divorce dynamic, they started coming here too. Even then, we've been together for years now and this Christmas, he still spent about 20 minutes watching them unwrap gifts at his ex's house while I was at home. It's not a big deal. He could have taken three hours and it wouldn't have been a big deal. In a relationship where there are kids from a previous relationship, this is business as usual. It's what you do to make sure the kids are taken care of.

My heart wanted to stay ...that's for certain. But, I was trying to honor my BF -- knowing that he was sitting at Starbucks waiting for me to come back ...after dropping off my son.

You wanted to honor the boyfriend... Not your son.

That says it all.

You need to break from the boyfriend, take time away from your son, get your act together.

He thought that something "weird was going on..."

ANd my ex bf easily comes to those conclusions..

Yes, something weird was going on. A virgin birth yielded the savior of your soul on the holiest day of the year as per your faith and you wanted to celebrate this religious and personal holiday with the child you created and gave birth to, because said child has been in your life for a decade and you love him and understand this is a difficult time of year for a child after a divorce.

A that bond didn't vanish just because your ended your marriage 6 months ago and those years you've shared with that child mean more than the boyfriend you've been dating for a year and his babyish demands.

When you become involved with a person who has kids from a previous relationship, you enter into a relationship with that person, the child, and their ex. A guy who's this small of a man and this insecure, who'll abuse you in front of your son and will cause you as a mother to turn your back on your own crying child on Christmas and walk right out the door to go "honor him"... He's a skeeze and you shouldn't let him do it to you and your son.