Dear brethren,
Grace and peace be upon you all in God through Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord! Thanks be to God that we are called to His salvation, and have partaken of His grace and love. Blessed be the LORD God of Israel forever in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen!
My brethren, I hope to share a deep concern and distress that I have since last year and I hope that through this sharing, I could be strengthened through you all in the love of God. I feel that keeping it to myself is not good and perhaps I should share it with you all so that I may be strengthened in God through you all. May the Lord have mercy on me, and forgive me my trespasses.
The main distress I have now is: Should I forsake everything and leave my parents to serve the Lord? Is this the Lord's calling for me?
I hope to share here my conversion story so that you all can understand why I have such a distress in the first place. Please bear with me, my brethren.
My life without Christ
When I came into this world, my parents were atheists and didn't know anything about God. I was thus brought up in a family where salvation and Jesus Christ were totally unheard of. Before my belief in Jesus Christ, I lived in darkness, and my heart was filled with hatred and bitterness. This was primarily due to the violent environment my family was in as well as the evil I saw in this world. My father was a violent and emotional man (he also suffered deep emotional trauma and hurt since young), and he often brought his unhappiness into the family, causing a lot of tensions and quarrels with my mother. I often lived in fear of him, because he was so easily angry and the way he quarrelled with my mother was terrible. Many times, he even wanted to commit suicide with my mother and me when my parents quarrelled. He is also very oppressive and easily suspicious, and would make my mother and me feel very uneasy and frustrated to be with him because he would always question this and that. I lived in such an environment since young, and thus by the time I was a teenager, the emotional hurt, oppression and bitterness in my heart turned me into a girl filled with hatred and unhappiness. I could find no way to release such emotions and many times I wanted to end my life. But thanks be to God, He kept me and did not allow the devil to destroy me.
My conversion and difficulties
When I was around 14 years old (in December 2005), I was led by God to Jesus Christ. That night, I wept like a child when I heard the story of Jesus Christ's death on the Cross. At the same time, I felt that the emotional burdens I had were lifted up and removed. I gave my heart and confessed the Lord Jesus that night as my personal Savior. But my parents were not converted because I was the only one who was led to Christ. My father was very oppressive and angrily forbade me from believing in Jesus Christ. I was not allowed to go to Church and had to read the Bible in secret. But inside my heart, I did not deny my faith in the Lord Jesus and prayed to Him for guidance and to teach me more about Him.
Because of my faith in the Lord, I had much tensions and quarrels with my unconverted parents. They would use all kinds of arguments to convince me that God does not exist and that my faith is stupid and irrational. When that did not work, they would go on to use foul words against me and against the Lord. They would even beat me in anger and curse and swear. I was caused to stumble into sin so many times because of their oppression and persecution, but every time I repented, God forgave me and cleansed me from my sins with the blood of Christ. It was such a struggle for me as a new Christian, but thanks be to God, He kept me in all this and showed me wondrous things in His Word. Though there was no one to teach me the Bible, I learned many things under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
The persecution was so unbearable for me that I had to run away from my parents three times. The most recent runaway was just a few months ago. During a period of time last year, there was this feeling in me that God is asking me to forsake everything (including my parents) to serve Him. In particular, He led me to Zechariah 13:8-9 and said through a chinese beggar boy that He would destroy two of every three. I don't know why I have this gut feeling, but I kept thinking that God is telling me that my parents would be destroyed and would not be able to receive Salvation. At first, I didn't dare to believe and just thought that it was an evil thought that I should not have. But the most recent persecution I faced from my parents few months ago only seemed to confirm what I originally thought. Was God indeed telling me that my parents are destined for damnation? I don't know, I really don't.
Furthermore, I had a dream that my parents and I were walking on a broad walkway and that I almost mistook the anti-Christ kingdom for the Kingdom of God. In that dream, I heard a voice telling me 2015, and I understood in that dream that 2015 is the year of the Lord's second coming. I am really not sure if this dream and the thought of my parents being destroyed came from God, but my circumstances only seemed to confirm my belief. I shared this dream I had, and a fellow brother actually brought my attention to the fact that the broad walkway my parents and I are walking on is exactly what the Lord had described as the way of destruction. (Matthew 7:13)
Another dream I had seemed to be very similar to the rapture. In that dream, I was in my room and looking out into the window expecting the Lord's return. Then I saw something white that looked like a star descending down from the sky and I knew in my dream that the Lord is coming. Then, my body was raised up and lifted into the air out of my room. I happened to look back into my room at that time and I saw my parents standing there and not being lifted up like I was. (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17) My dream ended right here and I woke up.
Even till now, after 5 over years of my belief in the Lord Jesus, my parents are still not converted. They now no longer forbid me from going to Church and reading the Bible, but I can see that they have not fully believed in God either. These 5 over years of unbelief in their hearts gave the devil many chances to wreck havoc in my family and also allowed him to use them as tools to attack my faith. If the Lord was not with me, I don't know where I would be now.
I'm now in university studying Accountancy, but I really don't know whether this is the path I should be walking on. I almost wanted to give up studying this year and this caused yet another persecution from my parents. I was even led to the Mental Health Institute because my parents think I have gone out of my mind. When the doctors there said I am perfectly normal, my parents were still angry. I felt so oppressed at that time that I would have stayed in the Mental Health Institute if I could and not stay with my parents. My father even wanted to commit suicide with me because I didn't want to go home with him. I had to cast satan out of him in the Name of Jesus Christ because I could see that he was no longer himself.
Now I'm back with my parents, but I could still feel the oppression from them. My father would still be suspicious of me and would question this and that, even when I am only discussing Christian issues on the forums. My mother would also try to argue with me and try to twist the Truth around to suit her understanding. I really don't know what I should do, and yet in my heart, I have this eagerness to leave them so that I can serve the Lord in peace. But when I really do so, I feel insecure and weak and reluctant to leave. I'm now almost 20, and I've never once left my parents before, now it is really difficult for me to leave them at once. I asked for the Lord for help to overcome my insecurities and weaknesses, but I find no relief. Thus, I always came back to my parents despite being so determined to leave during the persecutions.
What should I do, my brethren? I'm now really confused as to what the Lord really wants me to do. On one hand, I am not yet convinced that everything I felt about my parents' destined doom and the Lord's calling for me to leave is wrong. On the other hand, I don't know why I am not able to overcome my weaknesses if the Lord indeed called me to leave everything behind. Furthermore, as a woman, I don't know where I should go and how I should conduct my life. I don't have a job and a degree, so if I go to an unfamilar place, what occupation should I find? I know the Lord will provide everything, but I just can't forsake my insecurities. It's as though my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak and reluctant. I feel so useless and helpless.
What do you all think, brothers and sisters?
Grace and peace be upon you all in God through Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord! Thanks be to God that we are called to His salvation, and have partaken of His grace and love. Blessed be the LORD God of Israel forever in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen!
My brethren, I hope to share a deep concern and distress that I have since last year and I hope that through this sharing, I could be strengthened through you all in the love of God. I feel that keeping it to myself is not good and perhaps I should share it with you all so that I may be strengthened in God through you all. May the Lord have mercy on me, and forgive me my trespasses.
The main distress I have now is: Should I forsake everything and leave my parents to serve the Lord? Is this the Lord's calling for me?
I hope to share here my conversion story so that you all can understand why I have such a distress in the first place. Please bear with me, my brethren.
My life without Christ
When I came into this world, my parents were atheists and didn't know anything about God. I was thus brought up in a family where salvation and Jesus Christ were totally unheard of. Before my belief in Jesus Christ, I lived in darkness, and my heart was filled with hatred and bitterness. This was primarily due to the violent environment my family was in as well as the evil I saw in this world. My father was a violent and emotional man (he also suffered deep emotional trauma and hurt since young), and he often brought his unhappiness into the family, causing a lot of tensions and quarrels with my mother. I often lived in fear of him, because he was so easily angry and the way he quarrelled with my mother was terrible. Many times, he even wanted to commit suicide with my mother and me when my parents quarrelled. He is also very oppressive and easily suspicious, and would make my mother and me feel very uneasy and frustrated to be with him because he would always question this and that. I lived in such an environment since young, and thus by the time I was a teenager, the emotional hurt, oppression and bitterness in my heart turned me into a girl filled with hatred and unhappiness. I could find no way to release such emotions and many times I wanted to end my life. But thanks be to God, He kept me and did not allow the devil to destroy me.
My conversion and difficulties
When I was around 14 years old (in December 2005), I was led by God to Jesus Christ. That night, I wept like a child when I heard the story of Jesus Christ's death on the Cross. At the same time, I felt that the emotional burdens I had were lifted up and removed. I gave my heart and confessed the Lord Jesus that night as my personal Savior. But my parents were not converted because I was the only one who was led to Christ. My father was very oppressive and angrily forbade me from believing in Jesus Christ. I was not allowed to go to Church and had to read the Bible in secret. But inside my heart, I did not deny my faith in the Lord Jesus and prayed to Him for guidance and to teach me more about Him.
Because of my faith in the Lord, I had much tensions and quarrels with my unconverted parents. They would use all kinds of arguments to convince me that God does not exist and that my faith is stupid and irrational. When that did not work, they would go on to use foul words against me and against the Lord. They would even beat me in anger and curse and swear. I was caused to stumble into sin so many times because of their oppression and persecution, but every time I repented, God forgave me and cleansed me from my sins with the blood of Christ. It was such a struggle for me as a new Christian, but thanks be to God, He kept me in all this and showed me wondrous things in His Word. Though there was no one to teach me the Bible, I learned many things under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
The persecution was so unbearable for me that I had to run away from my parents three times. The most recent runaway was just a few months ago. During a period of time last year, there was this feeling in me that God is asking me to forsake everything (including my parents) to serve Him. In particular, He led me to Zechariah 13:8-9 and said through a chinese beggar boy that He would destroy two of every three. I don't know why I have this gut feeling, but I kept thinking that God is telling me that my parents would be destroyed and would not be able to receive Salvation. At first, I didn't dare to believe and just thought that it was an evil thought that I should not have. But the most recent persecution I faced from my parents few months ago only seemed to confirm what I originally thought. Was God indeed telling me that my parents are destined for damnation? I don't know, I really don't.
Furthermore, I had a dream that my parents and I were walking on a broad walkway and that I almost mistook the anti-Christ kingdom for the Kingdom of God. In that dream, I heard a voice telling me 2015, and I understood in that dream that 2015 is the year of the Lord's second coming. I am really not sure if this dream and the thought of my parents being destroyed came from God, but my circumstances only seemed to confirm my belief. I shared this dream I had, and a fellow brother actually brought my attention to the fact that the broad walkway my parents and I are walking on is exactly what the Lord had described as the way of destruction. (Matthew 7:13)
Another dream I had seemed to be very similar to the rapture. In that dream, I was in my room and looking out into the window expecting the Lord's return. Then I saw something white that looked like a star descending down from the sky and I knew in my dream that the Lord is coming. Then, my body was raised up and lifted into the air out of my room. I happened to look back into my room at that time and I saw my parents standing there and not being lifted up like I was. (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17) My dream ended right here and I woke up.
Even till now, after 5 over years of my belief in the Lord Jesus, my parents are still not converted. They now no longer forbid me from going to Church and reading the Bible, but I can see that they have not fully believed in God either. These 5 over years of unbelief in their hearts gave the devil many chances to wreck havoc in my family and also allowed him to use them as tools to attack my faith. If the Lord was not with me, I don't know where I would be now.
I'm now in university studying Accountancy, but I really don't know whether this is the path I should be walking on. I almost wanted to give up studying this year and this caused yet another persecution from my parents. I was even led to the Mental Health Institute because my parents think I have gone out of my mind. When the doctors there said I am perfectly normal, my parents were still angry. I felt so oppressed at that time that I would have stayed in the Mental Health Institute if I could and not stay with my parents. My father even wanted to commit suicide with me because I didn't want to go home with him. I had to cast satan out of him in the Name of Jesus Christ because I could see that he was no longer himself.
Now I'm back with my parents, but I could still feel the oppression from them. My father would still be suspicious of me and would question this and that, even when I am only discussing Christian issues on the forums. My mother would also try to argue with me and try to twist the Truth around to suit her understanding. I really don't know what I should do, and yet in my heart, I have this eagerness to leave them so that I can serve the Lord in peace. But when I really do so, I feel insecure and weak and reluctant to leave. I'm now almost 20, and I've never once left my parents before, now it is really difficult for me to leave them at once. I asked for the Lord for help to overcome my insecurities and weaknesses, but I find no relief. Thus, I always came back to my parents despite being so determined to leave during the persecutions.
What should I do, my brethren? I'm now really confused as to what the Lord really wants me to do. On one hand, I am not yet convinced that everything I felt about my parents' destined doom and the Lord's calling for me to leave is wrong. On the other hand, I don't know why I am not able to overcome my weaknesses if the Lord indeed called me to leave everything behind. Furthermore, as a woman, I don't know where I should go and how I should conduct my life. I don't have a job and a degree, so if I go to an unfamilar place, what occupation should I find? I know the Lord will provide everything, but I just can't forsake my insecurities. It's as though my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak and reluctant. I feel so useless and helpless.
What do you all think, brothers and sisters?
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The devil is defeated.
