What is the difference between being shallow and personal preference?

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

If a person won't date someone with a birth defect, obesity, emotional baggage from bad experiences with the opposite sex, is too tall or short, uncontrolled mental problems, no sexual attraction, is a certain race. Are these just personal preferences or is this person shallow? What makes someone shallow? Because it seems for anything you call a person shallow for it could just be considered a personal preference then that person is free from being labeled shallow. So maybe shallow people don't really exist, only people with personal preferences exist.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

The attraction between a man and a woman is mysterious indeed.

Proverbs 30:18-19

18 There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not:

19 The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.

 

[drjean]

I think the difference would be that if that person makes friends with "those types" of people they are not shallow. If they only want to associate with people who are good looking and have money, then they would be considered shallow, imo.

But dating is another aspect of life... and very important in picking a mate that complements who you are... while there are people who have the capacity to deal with a spouse who is disabled or not really pretty outside, others have not reached that ability... and might never. Should we force them into relationships that simply will fail in the long run? I think not.

However, making friends of any type of person can be enlightening and educating ...and one just might find a great spouse in a former friend who is disabled i.e.

The main aspect is faith in Jesus... the spiritual aspect. One might not find the soul mate if not dating everyone who meets this test.

 

[Saucy]

I think there's a difference between not dating someone because you know they aren't a good fit with you, no chemistry, etc, or choosing not to date someone because they are a little bigger than you want or because you want to date a blonde and they have dark hair.

 

[Aldebaran]

If a person won't date someone with a birth defect, obesity, emotional baggage from bad experiences with the opposite sex, is too tall or short, uncontrolled mental problems, no sexual attraction, is a certain race. Are these just personal preferences or is this person shallow? What makes someone shallow? Because it seems for anything you call a person shallow for it could just be considered a personal preference then that person is free from being labeled shallow. So maybe shallow people don't really exist, only people with personal preferences exist.

I think whether or not it's "shallow" is only a matter of opinion, which can vary between people. If someone doesn't want to date someone who is obese for example, maybe it's because they are athletic and want to be able to do things that someone who is obese can't/won't do. Or maybe they wouldn't date someone with uncontrolled mental problems because it's not something they could easily deal with. The list goes on. But whether it's shallow or not is simply an opinion. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and deal breakers.

 

[Serbian_W0lf]

almost all guys and girls are decent looking. just a few people are actually ugly.

 

[com7fy8]

If a person won't date someone with a birth defect,

First, I don't think dating is guaranteed to be a good way to share with someone you are considering for marriage. A date can isolate you, when you need to share as family with various mature children of God who help you find out how to be and how to please God and how to relate in love in marriage and with any and all people. So, isolating yourself with someone more like you can keep you away from the mature people you need to share with.

God is no respecter of persons; so, in case you are concerned that a person has a birth defect, possibly you are letting this keep your attention away from what you really need to be dealing with.

If a person with a birth defect is a growing Christian, this person can help you find out how to love, plus this person could be a good example for feeding your children how to relate in marriage . . . instead of you using marriage more for intimate pleasure seeking. What are you seeking by means of marriage????

You might read and feed on Malachi 2:14-15 about how God seeks "godly offspring". God wants us to not only have physical intimacy, but to reproduce children who are His way in love in their character and who know how to love in marriage. In order to meet God's desire, you will need to be able to tell the difference between a charming beauty and a maturing person who knows how to relate in God's love. You will need, then, to know the difference between lust and love.

Even if a person's birth defect prevents sexual activity, you can adopt . . . if God wants this; trust God to make you honest with Him so you can submit to how He guides you to whoever He knows you belong with.

obesity,

God is no respecter of persons. But obesity can be outward evidence of an ongoing and uncorrected food abuse problem which can be corrected with God > Hebrews 12:4-11. But, there are many other ways that we all can have self control problems; so we need to not be hasty to single out and criticize someone whose problem shows more obviously than our own problems!!

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

Some people's sin problems are more obvious than others' are. Food abuse can be easier to spot, than how spouses, for example, abuse one another by arguing and complaining. And, for all I know, there might be medical conditions which really can not be helped so a person is overweight.

So - - - in case the obesity is because the person is abusing food . . . the fruit of the Holy Spirit includes self control. In God's love we have self control with God's own almighty power to make it easy to control how we eat, plus in God's love we have His personal guiding about what and how much to eat, plus He will balance how much He has us doing with how much He knows we need to eat. And God will satisfy and guide us so His love is satisfying us enough so we don't depend on food for company in our tummy.

And the self control of love will also keep us out of the abuse of arguing and complaining and unforgiveness and dominating pleasure drives of different sorts of lust, and bitterness and ongoing suffering about past hurts, and selfish anger and self-righteous anger and frustration and boredom and loneliness. These all can be cured by the Holy Spirit's self control in our new nature in Jesus > 1 John 4:17.

So, by the way > in case a person does not have self control with food, his or her lack of love's self control could also be making him or her weak enough to give in to other destructive things, including unforgiveness and guilt-tripping oneself, instead of submitting to our Father for real correction of His love > Hebrews 12:4-11; and these anti-love things can keep the person from being able to relate well in marriage.

And smart talking and charming is no substitute for getting mature self control. Even so, someone with a food self control problem can be able to feel for others who have been hurt and neglected; while we are making progress with our own problems, we can feel for others and help them with how God is helping us (Hebrews 5:2, Ephesians 6:1). But we do need to grow in Jesus and His love's self control so we can do well in marriage.

So, I would not evaluate an obese person only by outward weight, but is the person getting somewhere so God's correction is getting rid of the weight of sin which can multi-task in many ways of abuse in a person?

Even if you do not belong with each other, you can help one another with your different problems and troubles. But I would think it is wise to marry someone who is obviously growing and making progress in whatever one's sin problems are, so that we have more and more of love's power to make us able to relate well in God's love.

emotional baggage from bad experiences with the opposite sex,

This indeed can mean the person has not become strong in God's love which makes us able to forgive and to not give in to being tormented about our past. God's love is almighty to easily and breezily and beautifully keep us immune from cruel and sin-sick emotional stuff. So, in case you find out that a person is continuing in unforgiveness and its weakness to keep giving in to emotional torment, have compassion for the person, but pray and expect God to correct the person's character to be "strong in the Lord and in the power of His might" (Ephesians 6:10) with all of us > we all need to get more real about this, don't we?

is too tall or short,

God is no respecter of persons.

uncontrolled mental problems,

God has given us the Holy Spirit "of power and of love and of a sound mind." (in 2 Timothy 1:7) So, in case a person has mental issues which keep the person from loving the way Jesus wants, this is deeper than just a physical brain organic biochemical problem, because love is spiritual and no physical problems can stop us from loving the way Jesus in us has us loving while pleasing God. And God can easily cure us of what in us is keeping us from loving the way the Bible says to love and relate.

no sexual attraction,

It depends on why the person is not attractive to you. If it is because you don't see what you hope to use for pleasure, this is selfish and dangerous, and God is no respecter of persons.

And God seeks "godly offspring", as I have offered. So, if a person is maturing as an example who can bring up children to be real with God and know how to love in marriage, I hope this would make the person attractive to you no matter what the person looks like ! ! ! But even if such a person is so attractive, still you need to pray and make sure with God about if this is our spouse or someone to help you along the way

is a certain race.

God is no respecter of persons, but we do with any person need to make sure with God about who He knows we belong with. So, if we have issues about race, we need to trust God to correct us and make us honest in how we evaluate . . . or else, our dishonesty and selfishness could ruin how we evaluate who we marry.

If I have racism in me keeping me from being able to love, how can I have love's good "senses" (Hebrews 4:15) to know who I really belong with??

So . . . some of these things you mention are reasons why it might be wise to not hurry to marry a person; but other items, if they are a problem for you, can mean you need to submit to our Father for real correction so you become able to love the way Jesus wants, and then you can do well with whoever you belong with. And as you get honest and real with God, now you can be attracted to someone else who is real with Jesus

 

[Sketcher]

If the other person doesn't approve of your preference, then to them you're shallow. Much of the time though, anger at the person having the offending preference for having their preference isn't justified.

 

[Toro]

IMO Shallow is someone that sets the bar impossibly high in their standards, standards they themselves can't live up to (a hypocrite) expecting perfection they themselves can not offer.

Personal preference is something you would "prefer" but if the right person came along but didn't meet that "perfect list" youd be willing to bend (in matters that are on looks, not on morals or theology etc. those are issues one shouldnt bend.)

For example, you may prefer blondes, but the "almost perfect" woman for you is a brunette. A shallow person would say "Not blonde" and move on. While the personal preference would say, yeah Id prefer a blonde, but she is an awesome woman.... and has value even if she doesnt have blonde hair.

 

[Miles]

I sometimes feel shallow for liking certain physical traits, but then I cross paths with a good number of women who have those traits, so maybe I'm just a little shallow? It's rare that I meet women who have those traits *and* the other, less superficial, things that I want in a relationship. Going by the physical alone would set the bar too low, yet liking appearances can still feel shallow to me.

Sorry if this doesn't answer your question, but it's something that I think about from time to time.

 

[Soyeong]

If a person won't date someone with a birth defect, obesity, emotional baggage from bad experiences with the opposite sex, is too tall or short, uncontrolled mental problems, no sexual attraction, is a certain race. Are these just personal preferences or is this person shallow? What makes someone shallow? Because it seems for anything you call a person shallow for it could just be considered a personal preference then that person is free from being labeled shallow. So maybe shallow people don't really exist, only people with personal preferences exist.

There's nothing wrong with having personal preferences, so what can be shallow is the weight that we give to those preferences. We need to major on the majors and minor on the minors, so for example, if someone were a wonderful person who had all the traits that I was looking for in a mate except that she was too short for my preference and I didn't want to date her because of that, then that would be shallow. So some things can be important not to compromise on, such as being the same religion, while other surface things we should be willing to live with.

 

[sea5763]

I admit I'm shallow. I know that finding a Christian with a kind heart is the most important things to look for, and I want someone like that, but I admit I also want someone that is physically attractive and has a job or works towards getting one.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I admit I'm shallow. I know that finding a Christian with a kind heart is the most important things to look for, and I want someone like that, but I admit I also want someone that is physically attractive and has a job or works towards getting one.

Your honesty is refreshing. And theres nothing wrong with wanting what you want, we need more honesty like this in the world.

 

[sea5763]

Your honesty is refreshing. And theres nothing wrong with wanting what you want, we need more honesty like this in the world.

I figure if I do get married, it should be with someone that I'm actually interested in and attracted to. There's nothing sadder than being married to someone that doesn't really love you or is not that into you. Well, actually there are plenty of sadder things, but it is still definitely sad. I know that looks fade and anyone can lose their job. If I ever got married I tell myself that I plan on sticking it out to the end, cuz then they are family at that point, but yeah I'm still shallow and since marriage is an option not a requirement then there are certain things that I want.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

there are certain things that I want.

I'm a big believer in going after what you want and not settling for less than what you really want. You want to be happy. You only get one life, so go with someone you really want.

 

[sea5763]

I'm a big believer in going after what you want and not settling for less than what you really want. You want to be happy. You only get one life, so go with someone you really want.

I think that if I married someone that I didn't absolutely want and was in love with, I would be doing both me and them a disservice. I'm trying to come to grips with the fact I might never get married, and I think it is probably better to never marry than marry someone you don't really love and want. If you don't really desire them, then you hurt them, because you take away their chance of finding someone else that would.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I think that if I married someone that I didn't absolutely want and was in love with, I would be doing both me and them a disservice. I'm trying to come to grips with the fact I might never get married, and I think it is probably better to never marry than marry someone you don't really love and want. If you don't really desire them, then you hurt them, because you take away their chance of finding someone else that would.

I think its better to take the approach you are taking than one we see many people take which is oh I must get married, i must get married approach and it just ends up a complete disaster. Being overeager to get married is a very bad thing that leads to either a nasty divorce or a lifelong of regret. Thats not a position anyone wants to be in. That said in your position I'd be hopeful I do meet the man I want, and I would focus on my goals in life and passion and purpose. If you don't know what your purpose is, focus on finding it, because if a relationship never pans out you will always have your purpose to fulfill you even without a man. A woman who has a purpose is always more attractive than a woman who doesn't have anything else going on in her life she loves and is passionate about. If I were you I'd focus on working on the things that would make you more appealing to the type of man you want, while at the same time focusing on your passion in life.

Personally I am focusing on getting my dream job, I am focusing on getting in shape, on personal development, so when the time comes that the right woman enters my life I will be able to be ready for her.

 

[sea5763]

I think its better to take the approach you are taking than one we see many people take which is oh I must get married, i must get married approach and it just ends up a complete disaster. Being overeager to get married is a very bad thing that leads to either a nasty divorce or a lifelong of regret. Thats not a position anyone wants to be in. That said in your position I'd be hopeful I do meet the man I want, and I would focus on my goals in life and passion and purpose. If you don't know what your purpose is, focus on finding it, because if a relationship never pans out you will always have your purpose to fulfill you even without a man. A woman who has a purpose is always more attractive than a woman who doesn't have anything else going on in her life she loves and is passionate about. If I were you I'd focus on working on the things that would make you more appealing to the type of man you want, while at the same time focusing on your passion in life.

Personally I am focusing on getting my dream job, I am focusing on getting in shape, on personal development, so when the time comes that the right woman enters my life I will be able to be ready for her.

I used to think that marriage would solve all my emotional problems and that it would happily ever after. I think I have to credit reading forums online about people's divorces to finally get it through my head that marriage isn't always an automatic happily ever after. It makes sense too if the divorce rate is like almost 50%. I feel like my purpose is to work hard at a job, earn some extra money and donate it. I still have student debt to pay back though and if I ever got this hypothetical money i wonder if I would be too greedy to let it go. I would like it if I could find another way to contribute but I don't think I can really offer much help in other ways. i also think my purpose is to be there emotionally for my family, although I think all of them are doing just fine right now and don't really need my help.

I think you have a good focus in terms of finding a spouse.

 

[blackribbon]

Shallow is like wading into a lake. If you make a decision based on just the small portion that you can see...such as the water that is around your feet, then you will never get to experience or understand what lies in the deep water beyond what you can see or even what lies on another shore. To assume that the entire lake (or person) can be judge by a couple feet from one shore means you limit yourself and can't make a real educated decision about the whole experience. It is your choice on whether or not to explore the whole lake or not, but chances are you will miss out on some fabulous experiences if you limit your experiences to just the first couple feet you have experienced. Same goes for dating, if you rule people out based on quick first impression (and looks only), you risk missing out on someone who really may be a good match based on a very limited impression of the person. Personal preferences which are based entirely on the features that only lie in the shallow water limit you even further. Personal preferences based on things that are deeper (and require spending time to get to know a person) are based on things that which determine compatibility.

Hair color or appearances are first impressions are shallow. You have every right to be shallow about these things but ultimately, you are limiting your options and you may miss someone who with a little time together you might actually find out aren't really that significant in what makes a good relationship.
The more important things that determine real compatibility like similar world-views and character require moving out of the shallow and exploring the deep side of people.

If your life is based on a shallow lifestyle, then dating based on shallow personal preference is probably just fine. However, when you are looking for a deep relationship which involves a deep connecting, you are going to have a much harder time finding a life partner if you can't ever get past the shallow waters.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Same goes for dating, if you rule people out based on quick first impression (and looks only), you risk missing out on someone who really may be a good match based on a very limited impression of the person. Personal preferences which are based entirely on the features that only lie in the shallow water limit you even further. Personal preferences based on things that are deeper (and require spending time to get to know a person) are based on things that which determine compatibility.

Hair color or appearances are first impressions are shallow. You have every right to be shallow about these things but ultimately, you are limiting your options and you may miss someone who with a little time together you might actually find out aren't really that significant in what makes a good relationship.
The more important things that determine real compatibility like similar world-views and character require moving out of the shallow and exploring the deep side of people.

I think the point of being with someone attractive over someone unattractive is because you can get whats on the inside of someone unattractive with someone who is attractive. I can get a woman with a world view similar to mine and has similar character and values as mine who is attractive or unattractive but i can't the same level of attraction with a woman who isn't as attractive as a very attractive woman. This is why people who are unattractive are overlooked, its because what they offer anyone can offer. This isn't to say everyone does offer it but it's not like i have to choose between inner beauty and outer beauty and that you can't have both.