What is the difference between being shallow and personal preference?

[blackribbon]

"Attractive" is different from "beauty". That is why people of all different levels of beauty (or handsomeness) do find people to love and marry. I can recognize a handsome man...but often I don't find him as attractive.

People need to date people they are attracted to....but realize if that your attraction is limited, so will your options. It may mean being alone or being alone for a lot longer because not only do they have to meet your attraction level....YOU have to fall into their preferences and be attractive to them. If you only date women who are petite or men that are over 6' tall (or any other limitations), plan on having a lot harder time finding a mate...and don't blame all of womankind or mankind for being shallow because you can't find anyone in your limited category willing to give you a chance..

 

[blackribbon]

I also find that some people get more attractive when I take the time to get to know them. This is why I have found people that I originally only considered friends (and not necessarily attractive) turned out to be people I ended up having a long term relationship with and was very attracted to. This is the category my husband fell into. This is also why you should be willing to have a wider circle of friends and not always spend time as a loner or searching out potential dates.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

and don't blame all of womankind or mankind for being shallow because you can't find anyone in your limited category willing to give you a chance..

I don't blame women for being shallow, I think if they want a tall handsome man with money and power and an interesting personality, they are well within their right to want whatever they want. I'm not one to complain about such things because complaining won't change reality, only doing something about your life to bring it more in line with what the women you want , desire will change anything.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

This is also why you should be willing to have a wider circle of friends and not always spend time as a loner or searching out potential dates.

I agree and who I'm willing to be friends with is a much wider group of people than who I would want to be with.

 

[MehGuy]

I don't blame women for being shallow, I think if they want a tall handsome man with money and power and an interesting personality, they are well within their right to want whatever they want. I'm not one to complain about such things because complaining won't change reality, only doing something about your life to bring it more in line with what the women you want , desire will change anything.

I just want men to equally feel free to be shallow too.. and express it as openly as women.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I just want men to equally feel free to be shallow too.. and express it as openly as women.

I think its because people think wanting looks isn't as important as wanting financial security. I agree that its true having bills paid is more important than looks in the general practical sense, but whats important depends on who you are, what you have and where you are in life. It is possible for looks to be more important than financial security especially if you already have financial security then of course it's not as important as other things. Thats what people don't understand when they think men are shallow for wanting someone attractive compared to women who want security. On the surface one does seem more shallow but it's not that simple.

 

[Aldebaran]

I also find that some people get more attractive when I take the time to get to know them.

Agreed. I've also found that the opposite can be true. I've seen women that I thought were very attractive, at least on the outside, and then when they open their mouth, the ugliest words come out and the "attractiveness" disappears. It goes to show that outer beauty is only skin deep and it's what's on the inside that counts.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Agreed. I've also found that the opposite can be true. I've seen women that I thought were very attractive, at least on the outside, and then when they open their mouth, the ugliest words come out and the "attractiveness" disappears. It goes to show that outer beauty is only skin deep and it's what's on the inside that counts.

People who say this type of thing miss the point. It's also as if they are saying people who are beautiful on the outside can't be beautiful on the inside and people not so beautiful on the outside are by default beautiful on the inside. The fact is I can't know whats on the inside of someone but I can know whats on the outside, and then you find out whats on the inside. But why start with someone who isn't beautiful on the outside? Time is limited. It makes more sense to start with someone who you know already has something you want, and the only information you have initially is appearance.

 

[Aldebaran]

People who say this type of thing miss the point. It's also as if they are saying people who are beautiful on the outside can't be beautiful on the inside and people not so beautiful on the outside are by default beautiful on the inside. The fact is I can't know whats on the inside of someone but I can know whats on the outside, and then you find out whats on the inside. But why start with someone who isn't beautiful on the outside? Time is limited. It makes more sense to start with someone who you know already has something you want, and the only information you have initially is appearance.

I didn't mean that an attractive person on the outside can't be attractive on the inside. I know both can exist at the same time. I was just pointing out that one doesn't always equal the other.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I didn't mean that an attractive person on the outside can't be attractive on the inside. I know both can exist at the same time. I was just pointing out that one doesn't always equal the other.

I dont think anyone has ever said beauty on the outside = beauty on the inside. It just makes more sense if you know nothing about someone, and only can go off of appearances to go with the one you find more attractive, because we know nothing about whats on the inside of a person regardless of how they look. But beauty is a better start than lack thereof.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

There is nothing shallow about being attracted to a certain type. If that were wrong, then we might as well just get paired up as we walk through the doors of a church with whoever happens to be the next single person of the opposite sex in the line! What is shallow is being determined to have nothing to do with anyone who doesn't meet your 'criteria'.

I have a female friend who has a HUGE list - height (between 4 and 6 inches taller than her) age (between 2 and 4 years older) education (must have university degree but no doctorate, post grad etc) no facial hair, no baldness, no redheads, no blonds, must be a virgin, must be middle class, must have a 'good' white collar job, must have a 'good' accent...it goes on and on and on. She's in her mid 40s and surprise, surprise, hasn't had a date in YEARS. Just about every single guy she meets doesn't match the physical attributes on her list, so gets crossed off as a potential date on first site before she's even spoken to him.

I also had a male friend with what I suspect was an equally long list, although he was a bit more guarded about it. I was with him once when he checked his dating website - he was literally scanning through photos going 'no, no, no, no...' he gave each photo about 1 second before deciding she 'didn't fit'. They are both being shallow in my opinion because they are just writing people off at first glance because they don't fit some perfect photofit image of the ideal partner.

I've also known a few people who had preferences, but who met someone who didn't fit those preferences and were open minded about it, and they are now happily married to the person who didn't match their original personal preference!

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

There is nothing shallow about being attracted to a certain type. If that were wrong, then we might as well just get paired up as we walk through the doors of a church with whoever happens to be the next single person of the opposite sex in the line! What is shallow is being determined to have nothing to do with anyone who doesn't meet your 'criteria'.

I have a female friend who has a HUGE list - height (between 4 and 6 inches taller than her) age (between 2 and 4 years older) education (must have university degree but no doctorate, post grad etc) no facial hair, no baldness, no redheads, no blonds, must be a virgin, must be middle class, must have a 'good' white collar job, must have a 'good' accent...it goes on and on and on. She's in her mid 40s and surprise, surprise, hasn't had a date in YEARS. Just about every single guy she meets doesn't match the physical attributes on her list, so gets crossed off as a potential date on first site before she's even spoken to him.

I also had a male friend with what I suspect was an equally long list, although he was a bit more guarded about it. I was with him once when he checked his dating website - he was literally scanning through photos going 'no, no, no, no...' he gave each photo about 1 second before deciding she 'didn't fit'. They are both being shallow in my opinion because they are just writing people off at first glance because they don't fit some perfect photofit image of the ideal partner.

I've also known a few people who had preferences, but who met someone who didn't fit those preferences and were open minded about it, and they are now happily married to the person who didn't match their original personal preference!

You present 2 cases here. The first are people who won't settle for less and the second you have people who did settle. I think the first is better than the second clearly. Why not be with someone you really want? This isn't to say you couldn't eventually learn to love anyone really, it's just theres a physical aspect of relationships that won't be satisfied as well or at all if the physical attraction isn't there.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

You present 2 cases here. The first are people who won't settle for less and the second you have people who did settle. I think the first is better than the second clearly. Why not be with someone you really want? This isn't to say you couldn't eventually learn to love anyone really, it's just theres a physical aspect of relationships that won't be satisfied as well or at all if the physical attraction isn't there.

NOWHERE did I say they 'settled for less'. What I did say was that they were open minded when meeting people and didn't dismiss someone immediately for not meeting their criteria. After getting to know that person, they developed a strong attraction for them.

Take the case of my fussy friend. Say her 'age limit' says her ideal man has to be currently aged between 47 and 49. If she were to meet and fall in love with a guy aged 46 or 50, do you really think she would be 'settling for less' or 'not with someone she really wanted'? Or would it be that compared to the very attractive guy she has met in real life, her rigid list of what her ideal man must have doesn't matter any more?

I've known people who've met someone they found attractive and then refused to go out with them because they were a year or an inch outside the 'accepted' criteria. THAT is shallow. It's also pretty dumb, since they miss dating someone they really like because he/she doesn't fit a list of characteristics they drew up. In my view, THEY are the ones missing out, because they are ditching an attraction because it doesn't meet with their preconceived idea of what they should find attractive.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

NOWHERE did I say they 'settled for less'. What I did say was that they were open minded when meeting people and didn't dismiss someone immediately for not meeting their criteria. After getting to know that person, they developed a strong attraction for them.

Take the case of my fussy friend. Say her 'age limit' says her ideal man has to be currently aged between 47 and 49. If she were to meet and fall in love with a guy aged 46 or 50, do you really think she would be 'settling for less' or 'not with someone she really wanted'? Or would it be that compared to the very attractive guy she has met in real life, her rigid list of what her ideal man must have doesn't matter any more?

I've known people who've met someone they found attractive and then refused to go out with them because they were a year or an inch outside the 'accepted' criteria. THAT is shallow. It's also pretty dumb, since they miss dating someone they really like because he/she doesn't fit a list of characteristics they drew up. In my view, THEY are the ones missing out, because they are ditching an attraction because it doesn't meet with their preconceived idea of what they should find attractive.

I think there is nothing wrong with having preferences but personally I believe in having some leeway in these preferences. I think it doesn't make any sense a few months here a few inches there or here is what I advocate. What I am saying is know what you want and go for it but I'm not saying having this huge laundry list of preferences and don't date someone who doesn't fit in that box perfectly. So I think most would agree with you here.

 

[Mr. Lobster]

Dating is the process of weeding out those that will not be suitable for you and finding the highest quality partner to start a family with.

Failing to do this properly is a sure-fire way to single parenthood. In the past this would be fatal for the woman and child in question, the best they could hope for would be to survive in poverty. Without welfare, that would still be the case.

TLDR; being picky isn't a a bad thing for anyone who wants a happy, stable family life. On a biological level good looks are a sign of likely good health (good genes).

 

[blackribbon]

I did NOT settle just because I didn't think my husband was attractive when I first met him. Before I married my husband, I really did believe he was the sexiest man alive...it was getting to know all of him ... and a bit of time that changed how I saw him. I never once would have thought I'd have gone for a redhead...and now, masculine redheads turn my head all the time.

Interesting enough, I never once dated the guy who looked like my ideal before I got married...now my ideal has changed and I haven't dated either of my "preferred appearances" because looks aren't constants. Personalities are. I will date a homely man who catches my attention and makes me laugh a lot quicker than I will even desire to go out with the eye candy across the room with a different personality.

 

[blackribbon]

TLDR; being picky isn't a a bad thing for anyone who wants a happy, stable family life. On a biological level good looks are a sign of likely good health (good genes).

You are kidding right? There are plenty of "beautiful people" who have chronic conditions that require frequent hospitalizations and/or doctor care.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

You are kidding right? There are plenty of "beautiful people" who have chronic conditions that require frequent hospitalizations and/or doctor care.

The theory is people chose good looking people because they tended to have better genes, leading to healthier offspring. Of course this isn't an absolute rule or anything. But like think of why people with skin diseases or any physical impairment are looked down upon in society. Part of it is because it looks bad the other part is such people wouldn't make a good choice for a mate because you would rather go with the good looking healthy looking person instead.

 

[blackribbon]

The theory is people chose good looking people because they tended to have better genes, leading to healthier offspring. Of course this isn't an absolute rule or anything. But like think of why people with skin diseases or any physical impairment are looked down upon in society. Part of it is because it looks bad the other part is such people wouldn't make a good choice for a mate because you would rather go with the good looking healthy looking person instead.

Ironically, the "good looking person" is just as likely to be a carrier of a genetic issue or have problems that no one can see like chrohn's disease.... And beautiful people are no more likely to be fertile than average looking people.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

I did NOT settle just because I didn't think my husband was attractive when I first met him. Before I married my husband, I really did believe he was the sexiest man alive...it was getting to know all of him ... and a bit of time that changed how I saw him. I never once would have thought I'd have gone for a redhead...and now, masculine redheads turn my head all the time.

This made me laugh so much because I have seen it happen so often. Sometimes, I think God hears us say "I'll never marry a........" and turns our life upside down to remind us that He knows best! I had one friend who was adamant he would never, ever date a redhead because they 'weren't attractive', and he then fell for a really lovely girl...with red hair! Another said she would NEVER have a cross cultural marriage...and is now married to a guy from the other side of the world. I've lost track of the number of times I've heard someone arguing that they CAN'T be attracted to this person because they don't match the criteria...

I think it's wise to limit the 'list' of people you'd never date to the things that are really important. So, fine to say never date a non Christian, never date someone whose life goals are very different from yours (if your heart is set on a ministry to an isolated rural community, probably best not date someone who is burdened to reach inner city gang members!), but when it comes down to height, weight, hair colour and nationality, best leave that off the list! Nothing wrong with not dating someone who is short or bald or scarred or another nationality because you just don't want to, but if you announce loudly that you will never date someone like that, you might end up having to do an embarrassing climb down when you find yourself becoming attracted to someone who fits your 'I will never date' list! (And if your friends are anything like me, they will take great delight in winding you up about it!)