What de-conversion feels like

[Rosa Mystica]

It is a difficult process, Rosa. But giving up what we want to believe in exchange for what persists as truth isn't likely to be pleasant. Perhaps it can be compared to being married and then finding out that your spouse never really loved you but only wanted money, property, etc. In the end it comes down to deciding if we want to shield the truth from our eyes and continue to live in what we feel has become a lie or if we would prefer to face reality, as it is, and see where that takes us.

I think it will all be worth it for you in the end. Hang in there. There are several on the forum going through this now. I wonder if it would be possible to construct a support group or at least a thread specifically for them. Then again, I suppose that's what this thread is here to do.

Thanks. Remember- I don't know for certain where I'll end up. If by some chance I continue to have faith, then my understanding of it will probably be different from before (*note: I'm not headed towards atheism). Whatever the outcome, things will be very different from now on.

Just had to say where I stood. I've been putting up a front for way too long.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

So stick in there, whether you come out with stronger faith or with no faith, hopefully you'll come out a happy person.

Me too.

 

[HummingbirdSong]

I'll be honest: I sometimes find it hard to believe that people can find deconversion so liberating. I've been undergoing what I believe to be a loss of faith for quite some time now. I will tell you what I'm feeling: endless and excruciating pain and mental anguish. No relief whatsoever. I certainly do not feel "liberated".

I don't know how long the process will take. I realize that it's not over until it's over. I don't know what the end result will be (though it's looking more and more like deconversion). Just thought I'd be honest about it.

Please don't judge or condemn me. I'm really hurting right now.

Rosa

Rosa,

I'm sorry you're hurting. Deconversion can be very painful. The "liberation" we all are talking about comes after the process is complete. Something clicks and you go, "Oh. Wow. How 'bout that."

That's not to say you won't have moments of hurt here and there after that, but for me, it was like a whole new world opening up all over again. It's like being Born Again Again.

If you want to talk or anything, please feel free to PM me.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

Thanks for the insights, everyone.

I kinda wish I'd lied about what was going on with me. This is a Christian board. I should be setting a good example for others here. By being honest, I feel that I'm setting a terrible example. I just don't wanna drag others down w/ me.

Maybe one day things will be alright again. But that day isn't today.

Rosa

 

[benjdm]

I kinda wish I'd lied about what was going on with me. This is a Christian board. I should be setting a good example for others here. By being honest, I feel that I'm setting a terrible example.

If a belief system sees honest questioning as a terrible example there is something wrong.

 

[Cat59]

Thanks for the insights, everyone.

I kinda wish I'd lied about what was going on with me. This is a Christian board. I should be setting a good example for others here. By being honest, I feel that I'm setting a terrible example. I just don't wanna drag others down w/ me.

Maybe one day things will be alright again. But that day isn't today.

Rosa

Lying isn't any good either, though at times it seems a better option, it always leaps out and bites you later. It's like putting a sticking plaster on a gaping wound, it may cover it up for a while, but not for long. Just be honest and open and be yourself, Rosa, you are a courageous woman and you are struggling to find the truth and people should support you in that.
I just hope you can get some good advice and support in real life too, because that's so useful when you feel like this.
again...
Cat

 

[TooCurious]

Thanks for the insights, everyone.

I kinda wish I'd lied about what was going on with me. This is a Christian board. I should be setting a good example for others here. By being honest, I feel that I'm setting a terrible example. I just don't wanna drag others down w/ me.

Maybe one day things will be alright again. But that day isn't today.

Rosa

I don't think you should ever feel like you have to be dishonest about your experiences in order to appease others. They're your experiences, your feelings, and they're valid. I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time of it, and I hope that it gets easier for you soon. I'm confident that it will be better for you eventually, and you'll come out of it on a path that's better suited to you, but I know that doesn't make things any easier for you now.

I hope things get better for you soon, and I hope that you have someone in-real-life that you can talk to when things are rough.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

If a belief system sees honest questioning as a terrible example there is something wrong.

Heh, there is a LOT that's wrong right now.

As for systems of belief and honest questioning, the implicit message often seems to be this: "Question all you want- just make sure you arrive at OUR conclusions in the end". Totally and completely frustrating

Speaking of honesty, I'm starting to think that this should be the most important thing when trying to discern your beliefs. A lot of people say logic is important, but if you're living a lie, then all the logic in the world will not help you. Is it possible to be a Christian who believes honestly? Yes, I think so. Do I feel that I can be honest in this system? I really don't know anymore.

I've slipped into self-loathing, now. Really don't know why...

 

[Dragons87]

By being honest, you're setting a great example to the people here. Christians are supposed to be honest, to admit that we are inadequate at times. I can testify that I have more than once questioned the existence and validity of God. Christians are not called upon to be Superpeople, but the workers of Christ. Lack in strength? Go back to your Master for it. I'm praying!

 

[HonorB]

Heh, there is a LOT that's wrong right now.

As for systems of belief and honest questioning, the implicit message often seems to be this: "Question all you want- just make sure you arrive at OUR conclusions in the end". Totally and completely frustrating

Speaking of honesty, I'm starting to think that this should be the most important thing when trying to discern your beliefs. A lot of people say logic is important, but if you're living a lie, then all the logic in the world will not help you. Is it possible to be a Christian who believes honestly? Yes, I think so. Do I feel that I can be honest in this system? I really don't know anymore.

I've slipped into self-loathing, now. Really don't know why...

Thank you, Rosa.
Thank you for being honest. Thank you for refuting judgement other than your own. Thank you for putting forth a wonderful example of what free will (or whatever you want to call it) should be about- Personal truth.
Good luck. If you ever want to pm please do. (You can check other posts by me to see if it'd be at all useful.)
And, don't forget, all quotes are merely aspectual to another's dogma. You can always find those who will agree with you, you can always find those who did before and assist with your own credibility. I'm not discounting that learning or exploration. It's divine too. Just remember, You're the one in the mirror. "wherever you go, there you are."
(Check your local cable listings... Buckaroo Banzai's helped me through some angst.)

 

[benjdm]

Heh, there is a LOT that's wrong right now.

As for systems of belief and honest questioning, the implicit message often seems to be this: "Question all you want- just make sure you arrive at OUR conclusions in the end". Totally and completely frustrating

That's the part I don't get. The belief system should be the result of the questioning. The one that fits the answers you have found. Not forcing the questioning to result in the belief system. Hmmm....I think you're saying the same thing but with more frustration.

You're in my thoughts, Rosa. I hope things get better.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

That's the part I don't get. The belief system should be the result of the questioning. The one that fits the answers you have found. Not forcing the questioning to result in the belief system. Hmmm....I think you're saying the same thing but with more frustration.

You're in my thoughts, Rosa. I hope things get better.

Thanks for the kind words.

Do you think my assessment of the situation was correct? Does it look like I'm losing faith? I know I still have a bit left, and am not ready to throw the towel in just yet. I'm very curious as to how this looks in the eyes of others- that is, whether it looks like a deconversion process, or just a serious faith crisis.

A couple of things I should state:

1) I still have a belief in God. My desire to preserve the relationship with my creator is actually one of the reasons I have issues with Christianity (Long and painful story there).

2) I have no issues with religion in general. Just with my religion (at the moment, anyway).

This has caused more upheaval than many could even imagine...

 

[HonorB]

Thanks for the kind words.

Do you think my assessment of the situation was correct? Does it look like I'm losing faith? I know I still have a bit left, and am not ready to throw the towel in just yet. I'm very curious as to how this looks in the eyes of others- that is, whether it looks like a deconversion process, or just a serious faith crisis.

A couple of things I should state:

1) I still have a belief in God. My desire to preserve the relationship with my creator is actually one of the reasons I have issues with Christianity (Long and painful story there).

2) I have no issues with religion in general. Just with my religion (at the moment, anyway).

This has caused more upheaval than many could even imagine...

I don't think that you're losing faith. You might be harnessing and manifesting it differently but... Galileo didn't "lose" the stars; Newton didn't "lose" tangible reality.
I don't see a crisis, I see a person being brave. I also don't see it as a deconversion. Decompression, perhaps.

-Your desire to preserve your relationship is wonderful. Even if you determine that your creator is random mud in Ethiopia and an ensuing set of coincidences... Have a relationship, be participatory.

Okay...
I'm going out on a ledge of presumption and might be making donkeys of us both.

Were you brought up/ living in one of the so-called Christian worlds whereby all of Revelations is discounted... Like the parts where we don't get to say who goes to hell or else we go to hell? Did you get hijacked, lost in the translation?
My advice, and this is to save your soul but not from brimstone... Take that belief that you still have and put it in a pot with all of the other things which YOU truly believe. Stir well and take a sniff to see if YOUR beliefs are tasty to YOU and what they might need for flavor.

I am sorry that you're having such a hard time. I wish this weren't all 2-d.
I'm gonna' pray for you, Rosa, but only for solace and safety in your journey. Godspeed. The PM offer always stands.

 

[Rae]

Rosa, all I can and will say is go with God wherever God wants you to go.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

Rosa, all I can and will say is go with God wherever God wants you to go.

That's definitely the plan. Don't know where that will take me, though. I sometimes wonder if I'm deferring to God, or to man made systems. I'm starting to feel it's the latter...

 

[Nightson]

That's definitely the plan. Don't know where that will take me, though. I sometimes wonder if I'm deferring to God, or to man made systems. I'm starting to feel it's the latter...

If you can manage to get away for awhile, I'd suggest going out into nature and taking with God. Maybe that will bring you some peace.

 

[benjdm]

Do you think my assessment of the situation was correct? Does it look like I'm losing faith?

I don't know. I don't know you very well and I have never understood having faith all that well. Only in the last few months have I started reading some deconversion stories over at iidb and many have been heart-wrenching. The closest experience I may have had was late teens & early twenties, creating my own framework for a meaningful life. It took a few years. (A smarter person probably would have read a few philosophy books and done it a lot quicker. I ain't that smart that often.)

I know I still have a bit left, and am not ready to throw the towel in just yet. I'm very curious as to how this looks in the eyes of others- that is, whether it looks like a deconversion process, or just a serious faith crisis.

I think a serious faith crisis implies a chance of deconversion. Otherwise it wouldn't be serious. Maybe someone else knows tell-tale signs of which way a person goes before the person does but I sure don't.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

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[Rosa Mystica]

I don't think that you're losing faith. You might be harnessing and manifesting it differently but... Galileo didn't "lose" the stars; Newton didn't "lose" tangible reality.
I don't see a crisis, I see a person being brave. I also don't see it as a deconversion. Decompression, perhaps.

I disagree with you about the faith crisis part. It's definitely a crisis situation. My second one, no less.

I should probably put a link up to my blog again. It tells the story of my transition from devout Catholic to disillusioned skeptic. I must state, though, it's very long!

I kind of like the term VNVnation used earlier in this thread, when he stated that he was either deconverting or "desomethinging". I take the latter of these two words to mean a fundamental shift in one's belief system/worldview that can't be pinpointed quite yet. It also implies a loss of certain fundamental viewpoints/attitudes. In a way, I've already "desomethinged", in that I will never, EVER look at the Christian conception of Hell in the same way again. I've also lost the self-righteous attitude I had towards non-Christians. I see them both as permanent changes.

So yeah, at the very least, I've "desomethinged", and am in the process of continuing to do so.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

If you can manage to get away for awhile, I'd suggest going out into nature and taking with God. Maybe that will bring you some peace.

I would LOVE to be able to do that. But, thanks to my Catholic upbringing, I can't get eternal Hell outta my mind. I've always been told, "You don't know when you will die". The implication behind that statement is that being thrown into Hell could happen at any time. Hence, the pressure to "get it right ASAP".