What de-conversion feels like

[Roark]

For those who have never experienced de-conversion, it can be difficult to describe what it 'feels' like. I think many Christians assume the de-convert's feeling are like those of a lost person. This is not what I experienced. I think "liberation" is closer to describing the feeling (at least myself) had upon leaving the church.

(Robert G. Ingersoll)
When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust. I was no longer a servant, a serf, or a slave. There was for me no master in all the wide world, not even in infinite space. I was free--free to think, to express my thoughts--free to live my own ideal, free to live for myself and those I loved, free to use all my faculties, all my senses, free to spread imagination's wings, free to investigate, to guess and dream and hope, free to judge and determine for myself . . . I was free! I stood erect and fearlessly, joyously faced all worlds.
​

 

[Asar'el]

...
(Robert G. Ingersoll)When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom....
​

Thank you for the smile. He became convinced everything is natural and it filled his soul

 

[talitha]

I'm sure that's how Adam felt - until he heard the Lord walking in the garden in the cool of the day....... and then he realized he was deceived.

 

[MaddyO3]

Thank you for the smile. He became convinced everything is natural and it filled his soul

I noticed that too...

Other than that, I think that's a nice quote.

 

[HappyBackslider]

For those who have never experienced de-conversion, it can be difficult to describe what it 'feels' like. I think many Christians assume the de-convert's feeling are like those of a lost person. This is not what I experienced. I think "liberation" is closer to describing the feeling (at least myself) had upon leaving the church.


​

Well put Roark and I can echo your experience. I don't want to sound disrespectful to the believers here, but the day I left Christianity was for me the day I grew up and took responsibility for my own life. I no longer had to deal with this irrational and judgmental supposedly supernatural entity and continually wonder what his will was or wasn't.

And yes, it was (and continues to be) very liberating! In fact I have more of a sense of wonder and curiosity about the world then I ever did as a Christian. Perhaps it's because I realize that there probably isn't an afterlife that I am determined to make the most of my time here.

The only part of being a Christian that I missed was some of the community aspects; but on the other hand the very people I had once considered to be my 'family' were sadly very quick to withdraw and disown me when it was very apparent that I was no longer in the faith. I certainly found out who my real friends were!

 

[Roark]

I'm sure that's how Adam felt - until he heard the Lord walking in the garden in the cool of the day....... and then he realized he was deceived.

Adam who?

 

[yasic]

It feels good to not be part of the misenlightened

 

[talitha]

It feels good to not be part of the misenlightened

Yes, it does.

 

[flicka]

I've read many deconversion stories (on another site) and it never seems to be an easy thing for people to do. It seems the more hardline and religiously sheltered people are the more painful the deconversion experience is because it's like their entire reality has been ripped out from under them. I would never encourage someone I know to deconvert unless their beliefs were obviously hurting them in some way. It's definitely something people need to do on their own terms whether it means totally turning their back on their faith or quietly faking it to avoid conflict.

 

[Lycaenidae]

My life didn't change at all.

 

[TheListener]

My life didn't change at all.

Do you still go to Church?

 

[numberprophet]

hmm, i was never really Christian at any point.

maybe i should convert, then deconvert to get the jist of this.....

 

[Moros]

"De-conversion" is a "return to normalcy."

 

[TheListener]

I can not imagine myself deconverting and not feeling incredibly depressed, lost and purposeless and empty.

 

[talitha]

I went through my own deconversion experience when I was in my twenties. My existentialism professor actually wrote me a note during that time thanking me for saving him from "the baptismal waters." I thought I was soooo smart. And soooo free and easy. But thanks be to God, the 'hound of heaven' pursued me until I returned to the Everlasting Arms.

this is how my deconversion process took place: I began earlier in my twenties to abandon one practice after another, such as regular Bible-reading, then abstaining from sexual activity, then abstaining from intoxicating substances, then church attendance, then prayer.... until the Lord seemed to be far away. Who moved? He didn't. At the same time I started to look into Taoism and then atheistic existentialism and later a form of shamanism. I reasoned that one of these couldn't possibly be true to the exclusion of the others, unless it be atheism - because of all the contradictions between one religion and another. I'll never forget standing in my then-best-friend's living room, listening to his brand new copy of "Your Own Personal Jesus" (DePeche Mode), and he said, "You don't believe anymore, do you?" To which I replied, "Nope." Suddenly I felt so free to just be myself, much like the person in the quote expressed. But I now know that I was deluded, because the absence of the Lord in my life later became a source of great sadness. And I found that I could not believe. I wrote a song during that period expressing my loss of "simple belief." The Lord heard that heart-cry, and He began to woo me back. It took years, but now I pray that I will never be so deceived again. There is nothing so sustaining than the voice of the Shepherd.

blessings in Him
tal

 

[Grizzly]

I can not imagine myself deconverting and not feeling incredibly depressed, lost and purposeless and empty.

I imagine each person's experience would be a little different. For me, it was one of the biggest "ah-ha" moments of my life. Although it didn't happen all at once, when I finally put the pieces together, it was one of the most profound moments of my life. So many things just started to make sense.

But I do know others here who have had painful deconversion experiences. Some are related to the loss of a community of fellow believers, others with painful stories of families disowning them, and still others who are left with a sense of emptiness and loss because so much of their well-being depended on the purposefullness that religion gives them.

Looking back on it now, the only thing that still fascinates me is how strongly I believed in God for so many years. How did I not realize that the Christian God was a man-man construct? I have always prided myself as being a logical and skeptical person, yet I truly believed that 1+1+1=1 when it came to God. I had no problems seeing God as Infinitely Merciful even though the majority of His Creation gets roasted forever in a fire of God's own making. Oh, so many things that should have set bells off for me but never did. I have no idea why it took me so long. But I am glad I made it.

 

[truthmonger89]

Here's an explanation I think even theists can relate to. Deconverting feels a lot like when you realize Santa Claus isn't real. At first you believed the whole story, but eventually you start to think that something isn't quite right, so you start asking questions, and the answers just don't make any sense. One way or another you figure it out, and then there's no going back.

 

[TheListener]

How did I not realize that the Christian God was a man-man construct? I have always prided myself as being a logical and skeptical person, yet I truly believed that 1+1+1=1 when it came to God.

I support you to start a thread on this issue as I seem to be too blinded to see the truth you have seen.

 

[savvy]

My deconversion wasn't a painful experience at all. It went in small steps for awhile, then I outright admitted to myself that I was only clinging to religion because I had been raised in a Christian environment. I didn't have a very big emotional attachment to the religion. Now, I feel a whole lot better than I did as a Christian. You don't have to worry that all your friends are going to suffer in some sort of Hell, you can have an open mind about everything! Christianity to me seems to inhibit a really tolerant view of others. Deconversion has been one of the better experiences in my life.

 

[anunbeliever]

It seems the more hardline and religiously sheltered people are the more painful the deconversion experience is because it's like their entire reality has been ripped out from under them. I would never encourage someone I know to deconvert unless their beliefs were obviously hurting them in some way.

Ive found it hard. I continue to find it hard. For me it wasnt a choice i made. Rather it was an accumulation of evidence against Christianity which lead to my faith evapourating.

Whilst it is liberating to know that hell doesnt await some people (possibly me included). It is distressing to realise that there is no omnipotent God in charge of things - making sure nothing catastrophic happens. I now feel very exposed and vulnerable. Any of my friends or family could suffer or die at any moment for no good reason. The universe is brutally arbitrary. I still havent come to terms with this.