What are marriage deal breakers?

[dayknee]

For me a dealbreaker would be porn/sexual immorality/adultery....
I wouldnt put up with that...luckily we dont have that issue in our marriage and Dh hates that stuff and disgusts at it...
I wouldnt put up with physical abuse/mental abuse either

You know..about 17 years ago when I first got married and knew hsuband had some porn you would think at that point i would have said something..I was so young..and so very blind to the affects of it.
Im glad that at your age you and your husband can realize that its bad stuff and that you are both repusled by it..you are lucky.
My continued encouragement for you and your husband that you two are always open and honest with eachother and continue to just keep your marriage safe and sexually pure.

 

[dayknee]

reasons for divorce... probably none (unless God told you, which 99% of the time would be suspect IMHO)

reasons to be condemned for having a divorce... again none, because He's a forgiving God

Not one reason for divorce on your side? (just curious, not judging). I just find it interesting.

 

[poohgirl]

Outside of adultery, I would say none first.
Meaning, things as emotional or physical abuse as well as drugs or drinking if could not be resolved together, then I could see separation as something that may be needed.

By God's design divorce should not happen and if it does it should be the last resort, but sadly sometimes really very bad things do happen in life and it just can't be helped.

 

[FundiMentalist]

What about atheism?

I was born again 3.5 decades and have been a disbeliever now for about 15 months.

I tried to share with my wife as calmly as possible a number of months ago. She told me she wished she'd never married me. And f--- you. And to go to hell. And that she's the one who's Christian and I'm not.

Is that a good reason in your opinion? (Not for me to leave her. I love her. I mean an excuse for her to think she should leave me.)

 

[Evangelina]

What about atheism?

I was born again 3.5 decades and have been a disbeliever now for about 15 months.

I tried to share with my wife as calmly as possible a number of months ago. She told me she wished she'd never married me. And f--- you. And to go to hell. And that she's the one who's Christian and I'm not.

Is that a good reason in your opinion? (Not for me to leave her. I love her. I mean an excuse for her to think she should leave me.)

Personal opinion - nope. The bible seems to say much the same thing.

That must've been rough at the time A lot of people react negatively to having their beliefs challenged, because they're not as rationally certain of them as they think. I hope things are going OK now?

 

[FundiMentalist]

Personal opinion - nope. The bible seems to say much the same thing.

That must've been rough at the time A lot of people react negatively to having their beliefs challenged, because they're not as rationally certain of them as they think. I hope things are going OK now?

So how do they know they're worshipping the right God without sufficient due diligence. Even the Bible calls the devil pretty crafty?

Are things OK now? As long as I fake it.

 

[FatherHaveMercy]

Infidelity aside, what would any of you consider breaking marriage vows?

I'm asking what any one of you would consider broken marriage vows. Examples; emotional abuse, porn, verbal abuse, physical abuse, drugs, stealing, lying.

And would you consider these as possible reasons for divorce?

lying, stealing an a drug attic

 

[FundiMentalist]

lying, stealing an a drug attic

Ugh. I'm lyng by pretending I find the whole Greatest Story Every Told believable.

I'm hosed.

 

[Evangelina]

Ugh. I'm lyng by pretending I find the whole Greatest Story Every Told believable.

I'm hosed.

It is a pretty sucky situation to be in - to either lie or be rejected It's a lot easier to advise honesty than to do it.

 

[PaladinWithGun2]

Ugh. I'm lyng by pretending I find the whole Greatest Story Every Told believable.

I'm hosed.

It's sad that to maintain a marriage you end up acting a part that is completely not true. I find so many reasons that people divorce to be ridiculous, and I do find marriage to be a wonderful thing, but is it truly a marriage when it's based on lies?

Am I condoning divorce? By no means. But honesty in the partnership is the first priority, and being true to who you are (even as one who no longer believes) is the only way you can keep from slipping into a greater crisis in your relationship.

 

[FundiMentalist]

So I'm supposed sit there and just swallow bitter pill after bitter pill when I try my utmost to be honest, patient, and kind while she gives me "f--- you," "go to hell," and "if I'd have known this I never would have married you," and "I hate you?"

I did my reading, research, analysis, and deepest soul searching on this. Ugh. Don't blame me there's no evidence. Don't blame me for not any more being able to take a "leap of faith," that appears to be no materially different from the similar leaps of the devout of so many other slightly-to-widely different faiths.

 

[PaladinWithGun2]

I don't know about the bitter pill overdose, since I've been divorced twice in my life. I don't like divorce, but that doesn't mean it isn't necessary. If there is a travesty in all this, it is the treatment of you, which as you have detailed is hardly the Christian model we like seeing, but it does happen.

 

[Evangelina]

So I'm supposed sit there and just swallow bitter pill after bitter pill when I try my utmost to be honest, patient, and kind while she gives me "f--- you," "go to hell," and "if I'd have known this I never would have married you," and "I hate you?"

Nup. I was sympathising, not having a go or telling you what to do. If I were in that situation I'd probably be explaining that rudeness is NOT acceptable, feel free to go for a walk and calm down.

 

[FundiMentalist]

Nup. I was sympathising, not having a go or telling you what to do. If I were in that situation I'd probably be explaining that rudeness is NOT acceptable, feel free to go for a walk and calm down.

I run 25 to 30 miles per week. There's a reason.

 

[dayknee]

What about atheism?

I was born again 3.5 decades and have been a disbeliever now for about 15 months.

I tried to share with my wife as calmly as possible a number of months ago. She told me she wished she'd never married me. And f--- you. And to go to hell. And that she's the one who's Christian and I'm not.

Is that a good reason in your opinion? (Not for me to leave her. I love her. I mean an excuse for her to think she should leave me.)

No..if the unbeliever will dwell with the believer and is happy to do so then no..there really isnt cause to leave the marriage..( only my opinion) however, if you departed the marriage (being the unbeliever now) then she can let you depart.
I know it must be really tough for you to be going thru this.
I would say..( becuase my husband is a non believer) that if at some point in his married life with me that he stopped looking at porn and started paying more attention to me and not neglecting me than divorce would'nt be something I would consider..but
since he has done these things and is not reallyremorseful or repentent of the fact..divorce is a huge option for me.

 

[dayknee]

Also Fund..I don't think your wife is being very un-christian like..I know we've spoke about this before too.
I understand her anger or hurt HOWEVER, if you are happy being married to her and you love and want your marriage to work I really hope she goes to counseling.

I'll say that if my husband loved me and wanted to be with only me and didnt neglect me and just worshipped the ground I walk on I would have been delighted to stay christian or not.
I hope that your wife opens her eyes. And I seriously hope you two can get into counseling.
Maybe even a good Christian counselor for her someone who will be able to explain that not everyone will believe and that it isnt a deal breaker for a marriage..especially if she has a wonderful husband who loves her and nothing has changed.
I know I've siad this before as well
but Im going to be praying for you today my friend. <smiles>

 

[TexasSky]

Okay,

Speaking as a divorced woman who put up with far more than most people would have - I have to address the "church's" attitude. Frankly, what drives me insane is the attitude that I must have been a bad wife or I'd still be married, while he is treated like some saint that they just haven't gotten around to cannonizing yet.

In my marriage I tolerated lies. Over everything. I even found out he had lied about his age when we were engaged. (I discovered that when we to get the marriage license.)

His mother, his work, his mother's dog, his cousins all coming before me and the children.

Out of control spending.

Drinking. (To excess, and pretending he never touched the stuff.)

Smoking. (Something he swore, when we were dating, he did not do, because he knew I would not marry a smoker.)

Unemployment, and more unemployment. He would get mad and quit, he would get fired, he would get afraid he was going to get fired and quit. He was "above" certain types of work, but never above me putting in 70 hours a week so my overtime could get us through.

All of this BEFORE he went legally insane in a car accident.

After the car accident, I put up with suicide attempts, homicide threats, his kidnapping my children, driving us into bankruptcy, trouble with the IRS, serious drinking, and other women. I am positive of 2 affairs. He freely admits to at least one of those 2, I've been told by others that there were others.

But, I didn't run around town telling everyone who didn't need to know all of this. I prayed, I cried, I did my best to build up his ego and him image in hopes he would live up to what he was pretending to be.

Now, he's some kind of amazingly great guy to the outside world and to the churches he attends, and I honestly want to just scream out the truth.

And yes, that HAS hurt my own relationship with the church, because I am STILL not going to tell them the horrible truth of what he is, and I cannot stand the, "Why didn't she take better care of him," looks I get when I run into people who just met us.

 

[arizonasunset]

Okay,

Speaking as a divorced woman who put up with far more than most people would have - I have to address the "church's" attitude. Frankly, what drives me insane is the attitude that I must have been a bad wife or I'd still be married, while he is treated like some saint that they just haven't gotten around to cannonizing yet.

In my marriage I tolerated lies. Over everything. I even found out he had lied about his age when we were engaged. (I discovered that when we to get the marriage license.)

His mother, his work, his mother's dog, his cousins all coming before me and the children.

Out of control spending.

Drinking. (To excess, and pretending he never touched the stuff.)

Smoking. (Something he swore, when we were dating, he did not do, because he knew I would not marry a smoker.)

Unemployment, and more unemployment. He would get mad and quit, he would get fired, he would get afraid he was going to get fired and quit. He was "above" certain types of work, but never above me putting in 70 hours a week so my overtime could get us through.

All of this BEFORE he went legally insane in a car accident.

After the car accident, I put up with suicide attempts, homicide threats, his kidnapping my children, driving us into bankruptcy, trouble with the IRS, serious drinking, and other women. I am positive of 2 affairs. He freely admits to at least one of those 2, I've been told by others that there were others.

But, I didn't run around town telling everyone who didn't need to know all of this. I prayed, I cried, I did my best to build up his ego and him image in hopes he would live up to what he was pretending to be.

Now, he's some kind of amazingly great guy to the outside world and to the churches he attends, and I honestly want to just scream out the truth.

And yes, that HAS hurt my own relationship with the church, because I am STILL not going to tell them the horrible truth of what he is, and I cannot stand the, "Why didn't she take better care of him," looks I get when I run into people who just met us.

i can understand what you are saying texas....

 

[arizonasunset]

morning dayknee...

 

[dayknee]

morning dayknee...

Good morning.

I'd say whats so good about it but..<chuckles> that would be rude..and I am appreciative of you saying good morning to me..but in side I wonder sometimes whats so good about it
I am struggling a lot..(typical)
I made some amazing strides, even for me. I have learned to stand up to husband and things he's done and said in the last week.

At the same time I struggle with inner things.
I am told that being in a relationship like this for so long with the lying and the sublte emotional abuse and of course the porn, that it's really all I know about a marriage or relationship.
I realize if I want to get healthy and have good relationships I have to recognize what isn't a good one.
And coming out of that comfort zone is so hard. It's almost like..well Im used to the treatment or behavior..not that I believe that I dont deserve better but that I didnt really know what better was. Until lately.
I know what better is and I have to require it for my life.
I also have to stop listening to others weigh in on my life and marriage.
Im tired of being looked at like the women who didnt do all she could to save her marriage. What isnt seen is what he does and still does to dig it into a ditch.
The honest truth
I havent honestly had hope of our marraige lasting for over two years.
Im tired
weary
angry
hurt
sad
depressed
bitter
enraged
emotional
irrational
and I want it to stop
So by the next two months..I am planning to take my action and securing the means to do so in that time.
Please pray for me and my children.