I’m new here so apologies if this should be posted somewhere else. Thank you to all who read this and I greatly appreciate any and all responses as I’m quite desperate in this moment and feel a bit lost navigating my current relationship with God, myself and my partner.
Background: Our Relationship
My girlfriend and I have been together since 2018, with one major breakup in March of last year. Before the breakup, I was struggling financially, smoking excessively, and not living up to the man I’ve always wanted to be. She had emotionally checked out before actually ending things and began spending time with her family in Arkansas, getting heavily involved in Latin dance with her sister. This made me extremely uncomfortable.
She always encouraged me to explore dancing, but it was often things like ecstatic dance and new age spiritual practices, which never sat right with me. When I expressed discomfort, she felt attacked and accused me of not opening up. She was diving deep into new age spirituality, and while I tried to keep an open mind, deep down, I knew I was conforming just to keep her. I had always envisioned being with a more traditional woman but told myself this was just a phase.
Her social media posts, especially her sensual dance videos, often left me feeling unsettled or even disgusted. When I didn’t comment on them, she got upset, accusing me of not supporting her passions.
The Breakup and Aftermath
In March, she dumped me over the phone. I found out later she had already cheated. She started living with her sister and going to dance socials almost every night. She changed so drastically that I barely recognized her.
She returned to Texas to "talk" and get her things, even though I had asked her not to come to my grandmother’s house, where I was staying due to serious injuries (I had recently broken five bones). We spent two days together—it was emotionally charged, full of love, but also confusion. She later admitted she wanted to come back but felt too guilty for how she ended things.
After that, she returned to our old place and continued dancing, hooking up with someone multiple times—more than we ever did. She took a lot of my stuff without consent, sold some of it, and left me further devastated.
My Desperation and Mistakes
During this time, I was physically disabled, unemployed, broke, and emotionally shattered. I was desperate to get her back, so I turned to a so-called “spiritual worker” who claimed to be able to reunite couples and reveal their destiny. Despite inner doubts, I spent a lot of money I didn’t have on her services, falling deeper into debt.
Some of what she said ended up being true, including things my ex later admitted. But looking back, I believe this “guide” was more of a demonic influence than anything good. I even prayed to God one night, asking for a sign, and the next day my ex showed up at my grandmother’s house. That felt divine.
But I foolishly went back to the spiritual guide after that. She warned me that my ex would make a big mistake involving another man, which happened. I later learned my ex was on mushrooms during her dance and sex phase, which broke me. I asked God again for clarity, and my bank account was suddenly shut down for “fraudulent activity.” I took it as a sign and cut ties with the spiritual guide.
Spiritual Warfare and Awakening
After that, things got really dark. I felt spiritually attacked, couldn’t sleep, and felt drained. Other “guides” started contacting me. I discovered the “twin flame” concept and a coach called NewWorldAllStars, which actually helped me shift focus to self-healing. I cut my hair, changed my diet, went through physical therapy, and got back to walking and running. I even started talking to another girl.
Then my ex reached out again. She confessed almost everything and said if I didn’t want to hear from her again, she’d respect that. But I told her: “If God can forgive both of us, I will try too.” She was shocked and began trying to prove herself and win back my trust.
Setting New Boundaries
I told her that moving forward, things had to change. No more conforming on my end, and she needed to learn how to compromise. My non-negotiables included:
Therapy—individually and together
No more sexual dancing (especially Latin dance)
Rebuilding our sexual relationship
Unconditional love—not the conditional love I had felt for years
She agreed to all of it, and we got back together in July. At first, everything was better than ever—her sex drive increased, which was actually a red flag to me. I expressed concern that she was trying too hard out of guilt and warned her that I wouldn’t go back to a sexless relationship.
Recurring Problems and Relapse
Within a few months, things started slipping again. Her sex drive declined, and then one day she told me she wanted to dance again. I blew up. I felt numb, packed some things, and prepared to leave. We talked it out but never resolved it. She said she felt like denying a part of herself, and that I would always punish her for the past.
I reminded her that I warned her before moving in: there was a chance I’d decide this relationship couldn’t work. She accepted that risk and moved in anyway.
Where We Are Now
She’s now completely turned to God. We pray together, went to church, and I’ve never been prouder of her. But I’m scared she’s trading one extreme for another. We haven’t had sex in 6 months, and she recently said she wants to wait until marriage. I didn’t know how to respond. It felt like spiritual whiplash.
I’m exhausted, emotionally burnt out, and filled with bitterness. I’ve always hated hookup culture, clubs, and that world. Her past—heavy drinking, pills, sex—haunts me. Her body count hit me hard early on, and it still affects my confidence. I’ve never fully recovered.
The Porn Struggle
A major secret I’ve kept is that I’ve continued to struggle with porn, especially during sexless periods. She once made quitting porn a non-negotiable, and I lied, saying I had stopped. In truth, I’ve only been clean for about six months—the longest streak of my life.
I know in my heart I need to come clean. Not just because I want to be honest, but because I believe it's the only way we’ll have a healthy sex life. I’ve felt so disgusted by our own past sexual content and have associated her with the men she was with, which has killed my sex drive even more.
But I’m terrified that when I confess, she’ll leave. She once almost did. Yet, I know I can’t go further in this relationship without bringing it into the light.
The Questions I’m Left With
Can we truly forgive each other and move forward?
Is she just shifting from one extreme (new age) to another (religious extremism)?
Are we creating a God-centered relationship or just another toxic cycle?
Will she really give up dance for good? Can she love me unconditionally?
Am I holding on out of fear, trauma, or love?
Will I ever conquer—not just control—my rage and resentment?
How do we move toward marriage with so many unresolved issues?
How do we end these generational cycles of toxicity, hurt, and sin?
Will she still deny sex after marriage? What if we stay abstinent and it turns out we’re not sexually compatible at all?
Conclusion
I write all of this not just to vent, but because I feel I’m at a breaking point. Either we’re laying the groundwork for a new, God-honoring relationship, or we’re too broken to rebuild.
I’m tired of being bitter. I want to forgive. I want to love. But I also want clarity—and honesty—from both of us. Most of all, I want to know what God wants for me and for us.
Background: Our Relationship
My girlfriend and I have been together since 2018, with one major breakup in March of last year. Before the breakup, I was struggling financially, smoking excessively, and not living up to the man I’ve always wanted to be. She had emotionally checked out before actually ending things and began spending time with her family in Arkansas, getting heavily involved in Latin dance with her sister. This made me extremely uncomfortable.
She always encouraged me to explore dancing, but it was often things like ecstatic dance and new age spiritual practices, which never sat right with me. When I expressed discomfort, she felt attacked and accused me of not opening up. She was diving deep into new age spirituality, and while I tried to keep an open mind, deep down, I knew I was conforming just to keep her. I had always envisioned being with a more traditional woman but told myself this was just a phase.
Her social media posts, especially her sensual dance videos, often left me feeling unsettled or even disgusted. When I didn’t comment on them, she got upset, accusing me of not supporting her passions.
The Breakup and Aftermath
In March, she dumped me over the phone. I found out later she had already cheated. She started living with her sister and going to dance socials almost every night. She changed so drastically that I barely recognized her.
She returned to Texas to "talk" and get her things, even though I had asked her not to come to my grandmother’s house, where I was staying due to serious injuries (I had recently broken five bones). We spent two days together—it was emotionally charged, full of love, but also confusion. She later admitted she wanted to come back but felt too guilty for how she ended things.
After that, she returned to our old place and continued dancing, hooking up with someone multiple times—more than we ever did. She took a lot of my stuff without consent, sold some of it, and left me further devastated.
My Desperation and Mistakes
During this time, I was physically disabled, unemployed, broke, and emotionally shattered. I was desperate to get her back, so I turned to a so-called “spiritual worker” who claimed to be able to reunite couples and reveal their destiny. Despite inner doubts, I spent a lot of money I didn’t have on her services, falling deeper into debt.
Some of what she said ended up being true, including things my ex later admitted. But looking back, I believe this “guide” was more of a demonic influence than anything good. I even prayed to God one night, asking for a sign, and the next day my ex showed up at my grandmother’s house. That felt divine.
But I foolishly went back to the spiritual guide after that. She warned me that my ex would make a big mistake involving another man, which happened. I later learned my ex was on mushrooms during her dance and sex phase, which broke me. I asked God again for clarity, and my bank account was suddenly shut down for “fraudulent activity.” I took it as a sign and cut ties with the spiritual guide.
Spiritual Warfare and Awakening
After that, things got really dark. I felt spiritually attacked, couldn’t sleep, and felt drained. Other “guides” started contacting me. I discovered the “twin flame” concept and a coach called NewWorldAllStars, which actually helped me shift focus to self-healing. I cut my hair, changed my diet, went through physical therapy, and got back to walking and running. I even started talking to another girl.
Then my ex reached out again. She confessed almost everything and said if I didn’t want to hear from her again, she’d respect that. But I told her: “If God can forgive both of us, I will try too.” She was shocked and began trying to prove herself and win back my trust.
Setting New Boundaries
I told her that moving forward, things had to change. No more conforming on my end, and she needed to learn how to compromise. My non-negotiables included:
Therapy—individually and together
No more sexual dancing (especially Latin dance)
Rebuilding our sexual relationship
Unconditional love—not the conditional love I had felt for years
She agreed to all of it, and we got back together in July. At first, everything was better than ever—her sex drive increased, which was actually a red flag to me. I expressed concern that she was trying too hard out of guilt and warned her that I wouldn’t go back to a sexless relationship.
Recurring Problems and Relapse
Within a few months, things started slipping again. Her sex drive declined, and then one day she told me she wanted to dance again. I blew up. I felt numb, packed some things, and prepared to leave. We talked it out but never resolved it. She said she felt like denying a part of herself, and that I would always punish her for the past.
I reminded her that I warned her before moving in: there was a chance I’d decide this relationship couldn’t work. She accepted that risk and moved in anyway.
Where We Are Now
She’s now completely turned to God. We pray together, went to church, and I’ve never been prouder of her. But I’m scared she’s trading one extreme for another. We haven’t had sex in 6 months, and she recently said she wants to wait until marriage. I didn’t know how to respond. It felt like spiritual whiplash.
I’m exhausted, emotionally burnt out, and filled with bitterness. I’ve always hated hookup culture, clubs, and that world. Her past—heavy drinking, pills, sex—haunts me. Her body count hit me hard early on, and it still affects my confidence. I’ve never fully recovered.
The Porn Struggle
A major secret I’ve kept is that I’ve continued to struggle with porn, especially during sexless periods. She once made quitting porn a non-negotiable, and I lied, saying I had stopped. In truth, I’ve only been clean for about six months—the longest streak of my life.
I know in my heart I need to come clean. Not just because I want to be honest, but because I believe it's the only way we’ll have a healthy sex life. I’ve felt so disgusted by our own past sexual content and have associated her with the men she was with, which has killed my sex drive even more.
But I’m terrified that when I confess, she’ll leave. She once almost did. Yet, I know I can’t go further in this relationship without bringing it into the light.
The Questions I’m Left With
Can we truly forgive each other and move forward?
Is she just shifting from one extreme (new age) to another (religious extremism)?
Are we creating a God-centered relationship or just another toxic cycle?
Will she really give up dance for good? Can she love me unconditionally?
Am I holding on out of fear, trauma, or love?
Will I ever conquer—not just control—my rage and resentment?
How do we move toward marriage with so many unresolved issues?
How do we end these generational cycles of toxicity, hurt, and sin?
Will she still deny sex after marriage? What if we stay abstinent and it turns out we’re not sexually compatible at all?
Conclusion
I write all of this not just to vent, but because I feel I’m at a breaking point. Either we’re laying the groundwork for a new, God-honoring relationship, or we’re too broken to rebuild.
I’m tired of being bitter. I want to forgive. I want to love. But I also want clarity—and honesty—from both of us. Most of all, I want to know what God wants for me and for us.
