What are marriage deal breakers?

[hisbloodformysins]

I have seen too many Christians stick it out for way too long with someone simply based on what the church and their church family will think of them.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying every situation presents itself as grounds for divorce, that is far from what I am saying.

But not all situations are the same, for the most part even when the parties are trying to explain what is going on we do not see what happens behind closed doors. How horrible and miserable their lives are in a constant state of fear.

It kills me when I read post where people have those blinders on to the reality of things. They make a blunt statement condemning those who have had enough...

But it is understandable, they haven't had an opportunity to walk a mile in someone elses shoes, for that they are blessed and I wish them ongoing ignorance on such things as the OP has posted.

emotional abuse, porn, verbal abuse, physical abuse, drugs, stealing, lying.

No one should have to deal with these things for the rest of their life. If any of these issues is consistent and have been addressed and are not going away. If you reach a point where you get the strength to walk away... then do it.

A lot of high and mighty seem to think that it is easy to walk away. Put yourself in someones shoes where they have been living with this lie for so long that they believe no one will believe them. They feel alone, no real friends.

The moment they leave they will be condemned by the people who are supposed to be there for them. Knowing that all of this will be turned around on them.

This is reinforced by their abusive spouse telling them that their whole world will crumble with out them. They can't take care of themselves. You will never find someone who will love you as much as I do. You will come crawling back on your hands and knees and by then it will be too late. You are emotionally unstable and I will take the kids from you. You are disgusting, you are fat. You are a big fake, you are worthless, you are lazy. Get your ass out of bed and do something for once. If everyone knew the real you they would be repulsed....

and so on and so on...

It may seem easy to someone who doesn't have to deal with that... but it's not.

There is definitely a lot of fear involved in these equations. One of the areas I want to tackle in the book i'm writing is fear based christianity. It isn't real, people aren't real... and you can't really get close to God when you are motivated by fear. In 1 john it says that "There is no fear in love, perfect love casts out all fear". It's natural to have fears and stress about getting a divorce.. divorce is not an easy thing, esp. if you are a christian and don't have a supportive loving network of people while you are going through such an ordeal. But it's natural to deal with natural fears of divorce like "will I be alone, how will i support myself, what about my kids..." those are issues enough without adding pressure from the christian sect.

Here's the thing about it, even God knows that he can't put rules on us and expect us to please him in our actions. The Apostle Paul has even said that where the law is, there is the desire or nature in us to break the law (my paraphrase). Yes, divorce is a very destructive thing in our lives, it is not what God intended for us, however, neither was it his intent that spouses ignore eachother's needs, have affairs, act selfishly or abusively.... we are supposed to protect and honor our marriages.... you just can't say to someone "don't get a divorce, it's not God's will" then not be there for them when they need someone to complain to when their spouse isn't treating them right... that is a misuse of our "christian duty" don't try to pressure someone according to your convictions of what kinds of choices they should make if you also are not willing to make the effort to REALLY care about them and be their friends. That isn't love... if that is how you (anyone) evangelizes they should know they are doing more harm then good.

HB

 

[dayknee]

I have seen too many Christians stick it out for way too long with someone simply based on what the church and their church family will think of them.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying every situation presents itself as grounds for divorce, that is far from what I am saying.

But not all situations are the same, for the most part even when the parties are trying to explain what is going on we do not see what happens behind closed doors. How horrible and miserable their lives are in a constant state of fear.

It kills me when I read post where people have those blinders on to the reality of things. They make a blunt statement condemning those who have had enough...

But it is understandable, they haven't had an opportunity to walk a mile in someone elses shoes, for that they are blessed and I wish them ongoing ignorance on such things as the OP has posted.

emotional abuse, porn, verbal abuse, physical abuse, drugs, stealing, lying.

No one should have to deal with these things for the rest of their life. If any of these issues is consistent and have been addressed and are not going away. If you reach a point where you get the strength to walk away... then do it.

A lot of high and mighty seem to think that it is easy to walk away. Put yourself in someones shoes where they have been living with this lie for so long that they believe no one will believe them. They feel alone, no real friends.

The moment they leave they will be condemned by the people who are supposed to be there for them. Knowing that all of this will be turned around on them.

This is reinforced by their abusive spouse telling them that their whole world will crumble with out them. They can't take care of themselves. You will never find someone who will love you as much as I do. You will come crawling back on your hands and knees and by then it will be too late. You are emotionally unstable and I will take the kids from you. You are disgusting, you are fat. You are a big fake, you are worthless, you are lazy. Get your ass out of bed and do something for once. If everyone knew the real you they would be repulsed....

and so on and so on...

It may seem easy to someone who doesn't have to deal with that... but it's not.

<tears>
He said that to me..
He said "do you think you will find someone else to love you like I do"
Thats what he said.
your post just...really really hits me.

all I can say is YES

No one knows the real truth or the issues ( speaking about me) except for a few. I have no real friends and yes I am very concerned about what family and poeple at church will say or how they will see me. I am concerened that it will become all my fault..there is this thing he does that makes everyone like him so much..like paying 800 dollars for the last two weeks to take our sons basketball team paint balling..Know one that nice could be doing or behaving the way I say he is. <tears>

just..
scared..

 

[Evangelina]

Dayknee - *huggggggggggggggggggggg*

Not much else I can offer, sorry. Except... that's not love that he offers, and God loves you a stackload more than anyone else ever can.

 

[deep6sleep]

<tears>
He said that to me..
He said "do you think you will find someone else to love you like I do"
Thats what he said.
your post just...really really hits me.

all I can say is YES

No one knows the real truth or the issues ( speaking about me) except for a few. I have no real friends and yes I am very concerned about what family and poeple at church will say or how they will see me. I am concerened that it will become all my fault..there is this thing he does that makes everyone like him so much..like paying 800 dollars for the last two weeks to take our sons basketball team paint balling..Know one that nice could be doing or behaving the way I say he is. <tears>

just..
scared..

dayknee....my heart goes out to you. Hang in there.
You have friends here, who will listen. I am a noobie here and I know there are people here who understand your situation.
I am somewhat surprised/concerned to hear that you have no real friends in your church, and are afraid of what they might say about you or how they see you.
I thought a church was/is supposed to be a support mechanism in one's life (if one goes to church) and not be something that could negatively impact your life in times of trouble. I don't belong to any church, but I have always heard that one of the big reasons some people attend is for the support and social connections.
Maybe it is time to find some social outlets outside the church and connect and make some real friends.

I am so sorry for your present situation, be strong and be yourself and not let anyone bring you down...sorry it sounds so hokey, but I mean it. Be strong..

 

[dayknee]

Thank you guys so much..today is such an emotional day for me..Im not sure why.
I get so tired and so cranky..and just...emotional.

I really like my church..but..i have no friends there..just the random people that I say hello to or that are in my sunday school class.

The two people that I spoke to about my marriage situation way last year..like the begining of the year..they were so great and tried to help me, but since they both found out I made him leave the home and they have not spoken to me since. Im not really sure why but I think thats why. They are both from divorces as well and have both remarried. Cant they see that I want what they have? cant they understand that I didnt leave the marriage..he did..and that I am only doing what I know should be done to preserve any sense of self I have left and any shred of normalcy?

I can't live like this.
I dont want my kids thinking this is what a marriage is..they see it..they know its not good.
<sighs>
anyway..too emotional to ramble, but thank you guys.

 

[lala76]

Abuse of me or my children would be grounds for divorce

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Lord, lead day.... give her wisdom and insight. Bless her life and comfort her. Your will be done in her life with much grace!

Not everything is as it seems day. Trust your insides. The abuse is not ok, but love is on it's way.

Don't forget that love covers a multitude of sins.

God Bless!

 

[arizonasunset]

hope the pics stay dayknee...thinking of you tonight...may the Lord keep you safe in the shelter of His wings.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Thank you guys so much..today is such an emotional day for me..Im not sure why.
I get so tired and so cranky..and just...emotional.

I really like my church..but..i have no friends there..just the random people that I say hello to or that are in my sunday school class.

The two people that I spoke to about my marriage situation way last year..like the begining of the year..they were so great and tried to help me, but since they both found out I made him leave the home and they have not spoken to me since. Im not really sure why but I think thats why. They are both from divorces as well and have both remarried. Cant they see that I want what they have? cant they understand that I didnt leave the marriage..he did..and that I am only doing what I know should be done to preserve any sense of self I have left and any shred of normalcy?

I can't live like this.
I dont want my kids thinking this is what a marriage is..they see it..they know its not good.
<sighs>
anyway..too emotional to ramble, but thank you guys.

Rolling my eyes at judgemental self righteous christians.

My thoughts are that you don't need "friends" like that. So good riddance. It's a shame, really is. Christians like that give christianity a bad name.

 

[arizonasunset]

thinking of you day....may the Lord shine His face upon you and give you peace, clear thought, strength, wisdom, courage, and perserverance.

 

[arizonasunset]

day? you ok? thinking of you

 

[dayknee]

Im trying to be.
Im having a hard time lately..
Im hurting..Im hurting others..(i dont mean to)
Im very very lost..i wish I could say more..
Thank you for always thinking about me Arizonasunset. it means alot. :'(

 

[Mskedi]

The only things I would divorce over would be infidelity or abuse.

Even if I experienced these things I would still see if there would be a way to work towards some kind of reconciliation. Of course, if I were in any kind of real danger from abuse, I would separate until I knew it was safe.

I wouldn't hold anyone else to this standard. This is just the standard to which I hold myself. However, I do believe that we give up far too easily on marriage in Western society.

Same here.

 

[arizonasunset]

Im trying to be.
Im having a hard time lately..
Im hurting..Im hurting others..(i dont mean to)
Im very very lost..i wish I could say more..
Thank you for always thinking about me Arizonasunset. it means alot. :'(

 

[Antje]

Responding to the OP here...

I would say that when a spouse simply checks out of a marriage and refuses to work anything out, that's the ultimate breaking of the marriage vows. This could encompass all sorts of situations: abandonment, adultery, abuse, addictions, or just plain uncaring laziness, etc. If there's only one person working on the marriage in any way, then it's hardly a marriage at all.

I think I would try to work through pretty much any situation in my marriage. In the case of abuse or other endangering behaviour, a separation for safety would be important.

At the same time, I think it is acceptable for abuse and adultery to be grounds for divorce even without "trying to work things out" because those things could absolutely shatter trust beyond repair, even if they just happen once.

 

[Birbitt]

I was upfront with my husband about this very topic before we got married and I told him that if he A. ever cheated on me B. Ever hit me or C. Ever threatened and or deliberately hurt our children That that would be the last time he would ever see me. I'd be gone the same day.
He would never do those things of course but I believe in being honest and up front about things of this nature.

 

[dobieman0488]

imo, anything that breaks the vowos you say on your wedding day. so basically infidelity or any kind of abuse is valid grounds for divorce

 

[arizonasunset]

dayknee

thinking of you today

 

[dayknee]

Thanks Arizonasunset.

I am hanging in there today. thank you for thinking of me.

 

[Katryna]

None - I don't believe in divorce for *any* reason, not even infidelity.

I might separate if mine or my childrens' lives were in danger, but would not divorce.

And *why* would you stay legally connected to someone who has yours and your children's lives in danger? Are their lives so cheap, and his so precious?

Ahahaha. Well... try this on for size. After waiting for my dh FOUR YEARS to get out of the Marine Corps, we get jobs and buy a small starter house. Only I find out he picked up a "little" drug habit while he was in the corps, and has trouble holding down a job due to the fact that he likes to get high during his lunch hour...

So every night when I come home, it's to a man that is passed out on the living room floor... then he gets up, and wants to go party with his friends. With whose money??

Then he comes home with the news that a "few" of his friends have lost their happy homes (parents have kicked them out), and he would like them to move in with US. I am like, "No way, I am not running a Holiday Inn here when I can barely support the two of us." He gets angry and decides to go on a big bender... I take the dog and go to my parents'.

He moves a guy and two girls into our house. One of the girls gets pregnant (yeah, from HIM), and they run off to Florida (we're in Illinois).

I suppose you would remain married to such a man, offer to have the girlfriend live with the two of you (maybe the other happy couple too?) --- ahh yes, a happy FIVESOME! And you could play the part of the HAPPY STEPMOTHER!

While all this is going on, can you imagine what this is doing to your credit rating? Now you can support FIVE people and a baby, while they sit home and do drugs... your home can get repossessed... while you clutch on to your (dead/false) "marriage". There's a Christian witness to the rest of the world!

Or, you could "separate"... while he lives the life of Riley, you stay legally married to the bum, while he incurres debt upon debt, you stay equally liable for everything he racks up. What possible sense does any of this make?

I take a little different view of this... in my mind, the "divorce" doesn't really take place in the courtroom AT ALL. It happens when the couple loses their "one-ness" and are no longer "a couple" --- it happens emotionally first. To me, that is the REAL divorce --- it takes place in the couples' hearts, NOT in the courtroom. I really don't think God gives a hoot about what happens in the courtrooms of men or in the paperwork of our legal system; I think he is concerned about what happens in our HEARTS. After all, once the heart has hardened against a spouse and divorced him/her in our heart, it doesn't really matter when or if that paperwork ever gets taken care of, does it? The legal procedings is only the burial of something that is already dead. And you might as well bury a dead thing --- otherwise, it starts to smell.

I feel if a spouse decides to take the low road --- they can do so without me and my children. I'll sever the tie that binds, and leave them in God's hands --- they are very capable hands. A person doesn't go to hell because their spouse divorces them; they are still in God's care. Let God work on them and fix them (YOU can't!) and get on with the life God has for you.